Wedding Bell Blues—Chapter 7

Spike knew that he and Xander weren’t the best of buddies, but he had to make the effort. Had to, for him and for Buffy. He strolled up the walk to the Whelp’s apartment, beer snugged under his arm and munchies in his hand, and prepared himself for the worst.

The worst was exactly what he got. Xander opened the apartment door, a look of dread on his face, and the look melted into relief at the peroxide blonde framed in the doorway.

“Spike! Thank God it’s you and not Anya. Come in.”

Spike was almost touched that the boy decided to invite him in, then started to worry when Xander went into his room, turning his back on the vampire. That was never a good sign.

“Spike, I need your help. I need to get outta town, as quickly as possible.”

Spike watched his sex life circling the drain, ready to go down, and grabbed Xander’s arm. He could see by the mess the Whelp was serious. Clothes were thrown helter skelter around the living room, some better clothes draped over the dining room chairs, and personal belongings of all kinds tossed into boxes. A giant crayon leaned against the wall, and hardhat and steel-toed boots toppled haphazardly at the bottom.

“What are you doin’, you brainless berk?”

The ice in Spike’s tone stopped Xander in his tracks. “What does it look like I’m doing, Evil Dead? I’m leaving.”

“Leaving? Why?”

“You must have missed the memo. I’m supposed to get married in a few days….”

“Yes, I know. I got my invite a month ago. As did everyone else. So you leaving fits in…where?”

“I can’t do it, Spike.” Xander sat down, and buried his face in his hands. “I can’t marry Ahn. She’s wonderful, she’s beautiful, she’s…well, she’s everything I could ever want. But she’s a demon. How could I ever even think of marrying a demon? She….”

“Wait a minute. You’re running out on the wedding?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. I can’t go through with it. I can’t marry her.”

Spike grabbed for the only straw left. “Why does that make a difference now? It didn’t make a piss difference when you were shagging all the time. Now you decide you can’t marry the bloody bint? What kind of a man are you, Harris?”

“I know. I feel terrible. Just awful.”

“There’s more to it than that, Harris. What happened that you don’t think you can marry Anya? When did the whole demon thing become an issue?”

“I…I…Spike…she’s a demon. She could disembowel me with a word….”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but she’s not a demon, she’s an ex-demon. Totally different, Xander. She’s as human as you are and I was, once.”

“Then why does she grow black hair on the bottoms of her feet?”

“Oh, so Anya’s got the hairy toes, and that makes you want to jump ship? This is bloody rich!”

Xander looked more than annoyed at the blond vampire that was nearly hysterically laughing. “Why is that so funny?”

“If…I’d known…I may well…have shagged her…meself.” Spike brushed tears from his eyes, and slowed his laughter down, ‘til he was barely chuckling. “I would have never guessed it. How did you find out?”

“Find out about her toes? One night, after we…uh…I was looking at her feet, and there it was. Long, black hair flowing out of the gaps in her toes. I asked her about it, and she got embarrassed, said it was a girl thing. I never pressed her for an answer after that….”

“Xander, you bloody idiot. You can’t walk out on her. You would be a fool, okay; more of a fool than you already are if you did. The hairy toes thing? That’s a demon mark.”

“See? Demon. I’m going to marry a demon.”

“Ex-demon. Here.” Spike handed Xander an open bottle of beer, and the boy took it gratefully, drank half, then listened. The whole situation amused and amazed Spike. He never expected to be the Whelp’s lifeline, but if he must, to preserve what he had with Buffy…. Clearing his throat, he sat down across from Xander, and gave him a hard look. “Has anyone ever explained the facts of life to you?”

“What? Huh? Yeah—my dad, when I was about eleven and he was about three sheets to the wind. I really didn’t get much out of it. Thank God for Anya…and sex ed.,” he finished lamely, realizing what he’d said.

Spike mentally rubbed his hands together, his job already half done. Just to convince the boy not to run…he could do this. “Not the human facts of life. The demon facts of life.” At Xander’s blank look, he continued. “Demons are normally not compatible with humans. I’m sure that by associating with the Slayer, you already know this. They have different anatomy, some with different parts….” He paused to give Xander time to come up with some gory mental pictures while he sipped his beer.

“Now, demons such as Anya—they’re different. Not only are they compatible, but also most of them start as human. The demon thing, to them, is a gift, not a curse, or an unpleasant turning. Very few vengeance demons ever make it out of the biz. That’s just normal. Usually, something kills them. Slayers. Other demons. The human they’ve helped, or cursed. Lasting as long as Anya did was a bloody miracle in itself.”

Xander was spellbound by what Spike was telling him. “Okay. So what about the hair on her feet?”

“That, dear Xander, is her gift to you.” At the boy’s blank look, he continued. Leaning forward, his voice lowering to conspiracy level, he said, “Xander, would you say that Anya is…a little more than good in the sack?”

Xander’s jaw dropped, then his hands clenched into a fist. When he realized that Spike wasn’t asking for his own benefit, he relaxed for a moment and thought…hard. He’d only been with Faith the one time, and although she was good…Anya was better. Better than anything, or anyone. “Yeah, I guess.”

“There’s a reason for that. The hairy toes.”

“Hairy toes make you good in bed?”

Spike hung his head. “No, you wanker. Hairy toes on an ex-demon make you good in bed.”

“Oh. How?”

“I dunno. Some kind of parting gift, after being a demon. But it gives them amazing sexual prowess, and the added bonus of not being able to stop having sex until their partner is completely satisfied. Completely.” Spike sipped from his beer, and said, “So, you’re through with Anya then?”

“I never said that!”

“Well, you’re leaving town, and all, thought it would be over between you two.”

“I….” Xander looked at the mess in the room, and said, “I didn’t know. But I am so not leaving now. You’ll stalk Anya like you stalked Buffy!”

A protest leaped to Spike’s lips, then melted away. Not supposed to tell. Never tell. “What is it that’s got you all spooked now, anyway? You never did say….”

“This whole wedding thing. Not of the good, let me tell you, buddy. You’re lucky, won’t be roped into marriage, not the Big Bad. Never have to deal with guest lists, seating charts, all that bull—“

“Then don’t.”

“Huh?”

“Xander, you need to improve your vocabulary. You say huh way too much. You know what’s even more romantic than a wedding?”

“Nope.”

“Eloping.” Confusion passed over Xander’s face, and he froze.

“Elope? We’ve already paid for everything…family flying in…caterers….”

“And won’t all that still be there when you’re married? You can just skip all the wedding stuff, and have a reception.” Spike leaned forward in the chair, his beer dangling between his knees. “Xander. Harris, look at me.”

Xander obediently looked up, and Spike leaned slightly closer. “Xander, I know what your family’s like. Spent enough time with them, while I lived with you. Know how much they…damage you. You’re not like them. You don’t live your life in a bottle, and you never will. You’re stronger than they are.”

“But, what if…?”

“What if what? What if you and Anya don’t work out? Are you ever going to find out if you give this all up?” He spread his arms to encompass the room. “Running out on the best thing to ever happen to you? That’s not you, Xander. That’s the devil inside you, telling you to do the wrong thing.”

“Wait, there’s a devil inside me now?”

“You know. Your conscience. The angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other.” Spike leaned back in his chair, and said, “Well, okay, so eloping is out of the question….”

“I never said that. It’s just, we’ve laid out a lot of money, and Anya would be disappointed….”

“She would be more disappointed if you left town and the two of you didn’t get married at all. Don’t you know anything about your bint, Harris? If you don’t get married, it will destroy both of you.”

“How?”

“Because you’ll always wonder. You’ll always be searching. You were lucky, Xan. You found the right one, right from the start. You didn’t have to spend a hundred years with the wrong one first—you got it right. Be happy, Xander, and make your woman happy. That’s all that really matters in this world is making people happy. You have the chance to do it—so go do it.”

Xander stood, hope on his face. “I do have the chance to make her really happy, don’t I? I’m going to go ask her to run away with me, Spike.”

“Go. I’ll—pile your stuff back in your room for now. Go now, Xander. Hurry.”

Xander ran out of the apartment, and Spike grabbed a handful of clothes and threw them through the open door of the bedroom. Mission accomplished, he thought to himself.