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Ch 7 - The Darkness Within
Author’s Note: Sorry for the delay between updates. I had promised this one about three weeks ago, but I’ve been involved in a major home remodeling project – all new floors, new furniture, window fixtures, etc. I’ve been painting for about a week and a half now, and still have stuff to do before my vacation is over and I go back to work next week. Actually, the flooring guys are here now installing the living room, and as I’m blockaded into the back part of my house for most of the afternoon… I figured that I would take advantage of this time to finish and post the next chapter. Hope it was worth the wait. Thanks!
Kindred Series
Kindred: (noun) A group of related persons, such as a family, clan, or tribe.
(adj.) Having a similar or related origin or nature.
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
BOOK TWO
THE PAST REVISITED
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
Chapter Seven
The Darkness Within
It would only be much later that Xander would think to commend himself for not giving in to his initial desire to flee in abject terror. As it was, all he could think was that he couldn’t possibly leave William there. Crouching down to check for a pulse, he was relieved to discover William still breathing. Oh, God. Got to get him out of here before whatever did this comes back to finish the job. Crouching down he tried to rouse William, but with no luck. Grimacing as he considered the mechanics of getting William out of there, Xander quickly decided on the first step. Removing his jacket was easy enough. Using it to cover William’s more obvious injuries was much more difficult – both physically and emotionally. As he attempted to get William off the floor and upright so he could support him enough to walk, Xander was grateful that he had gone into construction. Without the muscles he had developed since going to work, he would probably have been unable to do this and would have been forced to call Buffy instead. As it was, he had no intention of calling Buffy or anyone else unless he had to. William had already suffered enough and Xander figured he wouldn’t want anyone else knowing about this degradation. He wouldn’t if their places were switched.
It took a little bit of finagling and a lot of effort, but Xander finally managed to get William up and leaning against him. Half dragging and half carrying his new friend, Xander slowly made his way back toward the front door. It wasn’t easy to prop him up against the foyer wall, but he had to do so to open the front door. Unwilling to be the victim of his own carelessness, Xander took the time to peer warily out into the rain. He couldn’t see anything between them and his car, but then again it was raining so hard that he couldn’t see much of anything at the moment. Rationalizing that whatever might be out there likely couldn’t see any better than he could, Xander turned around only to discover William had slumped back down to the floor when he wasn’t paying attention. There was nothing for it but to pick him up again, so Xander knelt down and wedged his arms around William’s waist and under his arms. Taking a deep breath and getting ready to lift (with the knees, not the back – remember safety), Xander was startled when William suddenly coughed and his eyes fluttered open.
“Xander,” William croaked weakly “what are you doing here?” His voice sounded rough and he coughed again producing a bit of blood this time. Xander was alarmed by this and hastily renewed his efforts to get William on his feet.
“No time for that right now, buddy. Got to get you out of here before it comes back.” A solid attempt had them both on their feet, William leaning heavily on him.
“It?” His voice sounded weaker than it had a moment ago and it spurred Xander to start moving. He began to mostly drag William outside.
“You know, whatever it was that attacked you.” Xander hated to bring up the attack, but he wanted to keep William talking while they moved. William’s next words, however, stopped him cold in his tracks.
“Not it…him.” was all William got out before passing out again. Xander stood immobile for several moments as the icy rain drenched them both. Xander couldn’t feel the cold though. He was so full of rage at that statement that he felt hot enough to burst into flames. Abruptly coming to his senses and realizing that he needed to get William out of this weather, he resumed his trek to the car. It wasn’t easy, but he got William laying down in the back seat and covered him with an old blanket that he kept in the trunk. Shutting the door, Xander hesitated for a moment. The smart thing would be to drive off and get William some medical attention. Then again, no one ever accused me of being smart. Opening the front door just long enough to grab a stake from his personal stash, Xander ran as fast as he could toward the garage. The door was heavy and didn’t want to budge. That alone should have been his answer, but he needed to see it with his own eyes. After several minutes of struggling he finally managed to get the damn door open only to reveal an empty and dusty garage. As he stared at the space where he figured Angel’s car should have been, the full impact of what he now knew to be true hit him hard. He stopped to vomit again before closing the garage door and heading back to the car.
Once in the car, however, he faced the dilemma of where to go now. They didn’t know what exactly William was yet, so the hospital was out. Buffy and Dawn were definitely out. Besides the fact that William probably wouldn’t want them to know, Xander definitely didn’t want them to see this. Giles could probably help more than any of the others, but again that would require that William’s experience be exposed to others. So, in the end, Xander did the only thing he could and took William to his apartment. It was only after he got them both inside and had the door bolted and locked that he finally felt safe. As the adrenaline that had been running through his system since walking in on that particularly horrifying scene at the mansion slowly drained out of his system, Xander realized that he wanted nothing more than to fall face-first onto his couch and pass out. But William still needed help, so instead he went into the bathroom and started a hot bath running. After doing that, he collected what he would need for this: towels, washcloths, gauze, first aid kit, a spare set of loose clothing, and a bottle of alcohol. Although most of the supplies were definitely for William, he figured they’d both need the alcohol before this was all over.
It had taken less time than he had figured it would to clean William up. By the time he had bathed and dressed both William and his injuries, Xander felt like he deserved some kind of medal for holding it together through all this when he wanted nothing more than to able to fall apart. It surprised him to realize that when you knew someone else was depending on you, it was easier to put aside your own feelings and do what was needed. Normally no one really needed him. He wasn’t the brain or the fighter of the group. Research wasn’t exactly his strength either. Generally he just showed up and contributed in whatever way he could, but this time he was the only one there and he had pulled through when it counted. Even if no one else ever knew it other than William, Xander felt pretty good about himself at the moment. Better than he’d felt in a long time, truth be told. Since running out on Anya earlier this year, Xander hadn’t felt like he amounted to much of anything on a personal level. There was a voice inside telling him that he was nothing and would never amount to much. That voice sounded suspiciously like his father’s with just the right touch of drunken rant to it to make it truly authentic. But in the last 24 hours, the same person had been responsible for giving him both vindication and validation. William had listened to him last night and given credence to his words and emotions. And then today he’d literally leaned on him for safety and Xander hadn’t let him down. It was a good feeling and Xander was determined to be the kind of man who could feel that way more often.
His musings were cut short by a sound from the couch as William fought his way back to the land of the conscious. Xander walked out of the kitchen armed with a water bottle, a plate of sandwiches, the vodka and two glasses. It took a few blinks and a couple of headshakes before William seemed to come to awareness. Xander handed him the bottle of water with the advice to drink it slowly to avoid making himself sick. William accepted with a nod and the two sat quietly together for several minutes – William leaning back on the couch and Xander on the armchair watching him. When William finally felt steady enough to sit upright and talk, he commented on them needing to make it to the hospital today after all. At that, Xander snarked back that William had an odd sense of humor if that was his idea of convincing him to make the trip. The two shared a brief smile, and Xander took that moment to urge William to try to eat and build his strength.
While William was attempting to eat, Xander decided to try and get things started. “William…I don’t know exactly how to handle this. It’s totally out of my league. And we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to…”
William took his time responding and when he did it was in a very quiet voice. “No, Xander, I think I need to talk about this to somebody. Unpleasant a subject though it is, I need to get this out, and you’re the only one I can trust with it.” And as William paused to gather his thoughts, he failed to notice the look on Xander’s face. His new friend was both surprised and pleased by this unexpected declaration of trust, and quietly resolved to do his best to be deserving of that sentiment.
It took a few minutes for William to be able to start talking, and when he did it was mostly in halting and disjointed phrases. “After you walked me home last night, I went into the house. It was completely dark inside and I stumbled over that rug in the entry way – you know the big, heavy one?” At Xander’s nod of recognition, William continued. “Anyway, I was sort of holding on to the walls to guide me when I thought I heard a noise in the living room. I went to investigate and that was when it happened…” He stopped and his color went ashen as the memories assaulted him fully. It was several moments before he could continue at all. “I still could barely see when he tackled me and knocked me to the floor. He was totally enraged and yelling all kinds of crazy stuff… about you and how you wouldn’t take me from him…about me knowing my place and who I belonged to…” He was quiet again and Xander waited patiently for him to continue. “I tried to talk…reason with him…anything to calm him down…but the more I tried to speak, the angrier he got. He was practically frothing at the mouth as he yelled at me about respecting my elders, and then he punched me in the face. No one’s ever hit me like that before…at least, not that I recall…and I was so stunned by this that I just lay there motionless for several moments. As I was looking at him, I truly saw his eyes and the crazed rage in them. I just knew that he was going to kill me. Why I still had no idea, but I knew I was in mortal danger. So, I tried to fight back, to escape.” A pause. “That’s when it got really bad. He was infuriated by my resistance and started beating me senseless… It gets kind of hazy here. I guess I lost consciousness at one point, because the last clear memory I have is when he flipped me on my stomach, and…and pulled down my pants…and…and…” He was unable to conjure the words for what happened next.
Xander interrupted softly. “You don’t have to say it, Will. I know what he did to you, and I hate him for it. Well, I hated him already, but now I have a new reason for doing so.” He paused and studied Will’s downcast eyes and subdued body language. Something struck him suddenly. “Wait a minute. You don’t think you’re responsible for this somehow, do you?” When there was no response, Xander realized that William did indeed think that. Incredulous and indignant, he jumped up to kneel in front of his friend and gently forced Will to meet his eyes. “You are not responsible for this, Will. You can’t think that way. Angel had no right to do that to you, no matter what he said to you. You did nothing to invite this!”
There was a long silence as William digested these words, but the look in his eyes told Xander that he wasn’t buying it. Frowning, he rocked back on his heels for a moment and then failing to find the answer himself, he asked the question. “Will, why in the world do you think you’re to blame for this?” He was so surprised by the answer that he actually lost his balance and fell to the floor when William responded.
“Because…because I think that I may have done the same thing to someone else.” William finally met his eyes – one pair anguished and one pair confused. “Not to a guy, that is, but the same act…rape.” The last was said in a very small voice laced with disgust and pain, as if the very word was torturous to speak. “I’ve been having these dreams…and they’re always the same… I’m in a small room, and there’s a girl…I can’t see her face, but I’m on top of her…I can feel her under me…I can hear her screaming for me to stop…but I don’t listen… That’s all, but I wake up in a sweat every time.” William closed his eyes as the tears fell, and continued softly. “And if I could do that to someone else…then maybe I deserve to have it happen to me.”
Xander was stunned. This was totally beyond his ability to handle. He had started thinking of William and Spike as two totally separate entities. Now he was faced with a very real and very ugly reminder that they weren’t separate, but different parts of the same being. And he had no idea what to say to his friend, but he sensed that what he said next could be extremely important. He closed his own eyes for a few moments, trying to collect his thoughts and so many images went through his mind on high speed that it was a dizzying experience…heady, actually. But a moment of true clarity was the result, and he knew what to say. Opening his eyes, he said William’s name and then waited till he had his full attention to continue. “Will, no one deserves that. I’m not going to lie to you…Spike wasn’t a nice guy – most of the time, anyway. And you are Spike, even if you don’t remember, so how he acted affects how the rest of us view you. There was an incident with you and a girl.” He took a breath, but hurried on as he saw that Will looked like he might fall apart at those words. “There was an incident, but you didn’t rape her. Things got a bit out of control, from what I understand, but you didn’t rape her. Do you hear me, Will? In the end, you didn’t rape her or force yourself on her sexually at all. Okay?” He was right in William’s face by now, holding his shoulders and willing him to see the truth. He waited until William seemed to accept this, before relaxing his hold and continuing. “Your relationship with this girl…it wasn’t pretty. As a matter of fact, it was a bit violent, but that was because the two of you were both violent people. You handled things in a physical manner. It was how you related to everything – including each other.” As he spoke the words, Xander realized he was hearing the truth, really hearing it for the first time, and he felt freed by this realization. “I have no idea what your past relationship with Angel was like…and I don’t want to know, to be honest. But I do know that no matter what may have happened in your past with that girl or Angel or anyone else…YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE RAPED.” He stopped and they were both quiet for several minutes.
When William finally looked up, he met Xander’s eyes squarely and smiled tremulously. “Thank you, Xander. I needed to hear that. You’re a true friend. Thank you.” Xander nodded and ducked his head a bit shyly. Not sure what to do with himself now that the proverbial elephant had been addressed, Xander rubbed the back of his neck and asked, “Do you want to crack open that bottle of vodka now?”
William’s heartfelt, “God, yes!” brought a smile to both faces and just like that, the tension was broken and the subject dealt with. They poured a couple of shots of vodka and started drinking, as the rain continued to pour down outside.
Several hours later and having moved on to a case of Michelob, the two friends were digging into a bag of chips and watching a movie on TV. Nothing like a little ‘Die Hard’ followed by ‘Lethal Weapon’ to get the blood going. William was entranced. The mansion didn’t have a television and he was totally fascinated by it. The movies had him enthralled. He had always loved theater and this was even better, because you could pause the show to answer the call of nature, and not miss anything. It was after the second movie that Xander brought out the PlayStation and taught William how to play Mortal Kombat. William caught on quickly and the two men spent a good hour competing for the most kills. When they finally put down the controllers, William turned to him with a smile, and that was when it hit Xander. He was enjoying himself. For the first time since Anya had moved out, he was having fun in his own home. Suddenly the walls weren’t closing in on him and prompting him to reach for the bottle to escape his own loneliness. Acting on sheer impulse, Xander spoke up and asked William to move in with him. William looked surprised, relieved and pleased by this suggestion. He accepted gratefully, his admission to not wanting to go back to the mansion the only reference to the unpleasant incident of the night before. Xander showed him the second room, apologizing for the smallness of it, but was quickly reassured by William that it was perfect. It had a futon in it already and Xander showed him how to make it into a bed, another discovery that delighted William. When Xander asked him what else he wanted for his room, William frowned thoughtfully as he looked around before deciding that a dresser, some bookshelves and a nightstand would do just fine for him. Xander decided that it would be easier to build the bookshelves and got out his tape measure. William grabbed a pencil and a pad of paper to take notes, and before the two knew it, evening was upon them and the whole day had passed. William was yawning as Xander gathered sheets and a pillow for him, but Xander was still revved up from the events that had transpired that day. After his new roommate went to bed, Xander sat up for over an hour mulling over everything and making some decisions.
The next morning Xander rose early and was out the door at sunrise after leaving a note for William on the refrigerator. His first stop was the mansion where he took a few moments to make certain there were no other vehicles around before entering, a stake with Angel’s name on it firmly in his grasp. He didn’t waste time searching for the hated vampire, but made a quick sweep looking for William’s things. It was a pitifully small collection of clothes and books that Xander took with him. Looking down at the single box he carried, Xander made the swift decision that the afternoon would be spent shopping. Getting into his car, he took off toward Revello Drive, still trying to decide what exactly he was going to say. He had promised William that he would not share the truth with anyone. He didn’t like it – hated it actually – but only because he wanted everyone else to know just what a bastard Angel was. It totally infuriated him to think that son of a bitch was getting a free ride on this, but he respected William’s right to privacy and that was what made him agree to keep his mouth shut in the end. That and the fact that he was quietly plotting revenge on his friend’s behalf. Thinking of the many ways he could make Angel suffer brought a smile to his face, and that smile was the first thing Buffy saw when she opened the front door.
It was another dreary day, although it wasn’t raining as hard as it had been yesterday. Even so, Xander looked way too cheerful for this weather to Buffy’s way of thinking. A few minutes later he was back out the door after dropping his bombshell on the Summers girls. Not only was he still smiling, Xander was now whistling a happy tune like he hadn’t a care in the world. Buffy and Dawn looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders, each wondering what in the world had happened to make Xander invite William to live with him. Buffy was also asking herself why Angel hadn’t bothered to call her and let her know he was heading back to L.A. Not that he didn’t have the right to go back – his life is there now, after all. It’s just that a call would have been nice. Buffy pouted to herself that if she had known in advance, she could have invited William to stay with them and possibly gotten to know him better, which was a current goal of hers. Now he’s living with Xander! How did that happen? Shaking her head in confusion, Buffy headed to the kitchen to see what she could put together for dinner. Dawn was still looking out the window, thinking very different thoughts about the same matter. She was thrilled that Xander and William were getting along so well, at least judging by Xander’s attitude on the subject when he told them that Angel had gone back to L.A. and William was moving in with him. He’d been brief – only saying the basics and that he thought they’d want to know – but he hadn’t acted upset or angered like one would expect from Xander. No, he was practically giddy over the idea of William as a roommate. Huh, wonder what brought that on? This ought to be good – those two are like the original Odd Couple. Dawn giggled at that image and then frowned as she realized that Buffy was in the kitchen alone. Her sister may be the bomb when it came to killing monsters and saving the world, but she totally bombed at cooking. Who knew what kind of mess she was creating tonight? Dawn jumped up and hurried in to help before more perfectly innocent food was ruined by the Calamity Chef as she privately called Buffy. Neither sister gave another thought to the new living arrangements of their friends for the rest of the evening. It would only be much later that either would learn the truth of the matter. But for now, life was as good as it had been for some time, and could only get better…right?
TBC
Kindred Series
Kindred: (noun) A group of related persons, such as a family, clan, or tribe.
(adj.) Having a similar or related origin or nature.
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
BOOK TWO
THE PAST REVISITED
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
Chapter Seven
The Darkness Within
It would only be much later that Xander would think to commend himself for not giving in to his initial desire to flee in abject terror. As it was, all he could think was that he couldn’t possibly leave William there. Crouching down to check for a pulse, he was relieved to discover William still breathing. Oh, God. Got to get him out of here before whatever did this comes back to finish the job. Crouching down he tried to rouse William, but with no luck. Grimacing as he considered the mechanics of getting William out of there, Xander quickly decided on the first step. Removing his jacket was easy enough. Using it to cover William’s more obvious injuries was much more difficult – both physically and emotionally. As he attempted to get William off the floor and upright so he could support him enough to walk, Xander was grateful that he had gone into construction. Without the muscles he had developed since going to work, he would probably have been unable to do this and would have been forced to call Buffy instead. As it was, he had no intention of calling Buffy or anyone else unless he had to. William had already suffered enough and Xander figured he wouldn’t want anyone else knowing about this degradation. He wouldn’t if their places were switched.
It took a little bit of finagling and a lot of effort, but Xander finally managed to get William up and leaning against him. Half dragging and half carrying his new friend, Xander slowly made his way back toward the front door. It wasn’t easy to prop him up against the foyer wall, but he had to do so to open the front door. Unwilling to be the victim of his own carelessness, Xander took the time to peer warily out into the rain. He couldn’t see anything between them and his car, but then again it was raining so hard that he couldn’t see much of anything at the moment. Rationalizing that whatever might be out there likely couldn’t see any better than he could, Xander turned around only to discover William had slumped back down to the floor when he wasn’t paying attention. There was nothing for it but to pick him up again, so Xander knelt down and wedged his arms around William’s waist and under his arms. Taking a deep breath and getting ready to lift (with the knees, not the back – remember safety), Xander was startled when William suddenly coughed and his eyes fluttered open.
“Xander,” William croaked weakly “what are you doing here?” His voice sounded rough and he coughed again producing a bit of blood this time. Xander was alarmed by this and hastily renewed his efforts to get William on his feet.
“No time for that right now, buddy. Got to get you out of here before it comes back.” A solid attempt had them both on their feet, William leaning heavily on him.
“It?” His voice sounded weaker than it had a moment ago and it spurred Xander to start moving. He began to mostly drag William outside.
“You know, whatever it was that attacked you.” Xander hated to bring up the attack, but he wanted to keep William talking while they moved. William’s next words, however, stopped him cold in his tracks.
“Not it…him.” was all William got out before passing out again. Xander stood immobile for several moments as the icy rain drenched them both. Xander couldn’t feel the cold though. He was so full of rage at that statement that he felt hot enough to burst into flames. Abruptly coming to his senses and realizing that he needed to get William out of this weather, he resumed his trek to the car. It wasn’t easy, but he got William laying down in the back seat and covered him with an old blanket that he kept in the trunk. Shutting the door, Xander hesitated for a moment. The smart thing would be to drive off and get William some medical attention. Then again, no one ever accused me of being smart. Opening the front door just long enough to grab a stake from his personal stash, Xander ran as fast as he could toward the garage. The door was heavy and didn’t want to budge. That alone should have been his answer, but he needed to see it with his own eyes. After several minutes of struggling he finally managed to get the damn door open only to reveal an empty and dusty garage. As he stared at the space where he figured Angel’s car should have been, the full impact of what he now knew to be true hit him hard. He stopped to vomit again before closing the garage door and heading back to the car.
Once in the car, however, he faced the dilemma of where to go now. They didn’t know what exactly William was yet, so the hospital was out. Buffy and Dawn were definitely out. Besides the fact that William probably wouldn’t want them to know, Xander definitely didn’t want them to see this. Giles could probably help more than any of the others, but again that would require that William’s experience be exposed to others. So, in the end, Xander did the only thing he could and took William to his apartment. It was only after he got them both inside and had the door bolted and locked that he finally felt safe. As the adrenaline that had been running through his system since walking in on that particularly horrifying scene at the mansion slowly drained out of his system, Xander realized that he wanted nothing more than to fall face-first onto his couch and pass out. But William still needed help, so instead he went into the bathroom and started a hot bath running. After doing that, he collected what he would need for this: towels, washcloths, gauze, first aid kit, a spare set of loose clothing, and a bottle of alcohol. Although most of the supplies were definitely for William, he figured they’d both need the alcohol before this was all over.
It had taken less time than he had figured it would to clean William up. By the time he had bathed and dressed both William and his injuries, Xander felt like he deserved some kind of medal for holding it together through all this when he wanted nothing more than to able to fall apart. It surprised him to realize that when you knew someone else was depending on you, it was easier to put aside your own feelings and do what was needed. Normally no one really needed him. He wasn’t the brain or the fighter of the group. Research wasn’t exactly his strength either. Generally he just showed up and contributed in whatever way he could, but this time he was the only one there and he had pulled through when it counted. Even if no one else ever knew it other than William, Xander felt pretty good about himself at the moment. Better than he’d felt in a long time, truth be told. Since running out on Anya earlier this year, Xander hadn’t felt like he amounted to much of anything on a personal level. There was a voice inside telling him that he was nothing and would never amount to much. That voice sounded suspiciously like his father’s with just the right touch of drunken rant to it to make it truly authentic. But in the last 24 hours, the same person had been responsible for giving him both vindication and validation. William had listened to him last night and given credence to his words and emotions. And then today he’d literally leaned on him for safety and Xander hadn’t let him down. It was a good feeling and Xander was determined to be the kind of man who could feel that way more often.
His musings were cut short by a sound from the couch as William fought his way back to the land of the conscious. Xander walked out of the kitchen armed with a water bottle, a plate of sandwiches, the vodka and two glasses. It took a few blinks and a couple of headshakes before William seemed to come to awareness. Xander handed him the bottle of water with the advice to drink it slowly to avoid making himself sick. William accepted with a nod and the two sat quietly together for several minutes – William leaning back on the couch and Xander on the armchair watching him. When William finally felt steady enough to sit upright and talk, he commented on them needing to make it to the hospital today after all. At that, Xander snarked back that William had an odd sense of humor if that was his idea of convincing him to make the trip. The two shared a brief smile, and Xander took that moment to urge William to try to eat and build his strength.
While William was attempting to eat, Xander decided to try and get things started. “William…I don’t know exactly how to handle this. It’s totally out of my league. And we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to…”
William took his time responding and when he did it was in a very quiet voice. “No, Xander, I think I need to talk about this to somebody. Unpleasant a subject though it is, I need to get this out, and you’re the only one I can trust with it.” And as William paused to gather his thoughts, he failed to notice the look on Xander’s face. His new friend was both surprised and pleased by this unexpected declaration of trust, and quietly resolved to do his best to be deserving of that sentiment.
It took a few minutes for William to be able to start talking, and when he did it was mostly in halting and disjointed phrases. “After you walked me home last night, I went into the house. It was completely dark inside and I stumbled over that rug in the entry way – you know the big, heavy one?” At Xander’s nod of recognition, William continued. “Anyway, I was sort of holding on to the walls to guide me when I thought I heard a noise in the living room. I went to investigate and that was when it happened…” He stopped and his color went ashen as the memories assaulted him fully. It was several moments before he could continue at all. “I still could barely see when he tackled me and knocked me to the floor. He was totally enraged and yelling all kinds of crazy stuff… about you and how you wouldn’t take me from him…about me knowing my place and who I belonged to…” He was quiet again and Xander waited patiently for him to continue. “I tried to talk…reason with him…anything to calm him down…but the more I tried to speak, the angrier he got. He was practically frothing at the mouth as he yelled at me about respecting my elders, and then he punched me in the face. No one’s ever hit me like that before…at least, not that I recall…and I was so stunned by this that I just lay there motionless for several moments. As I was looking at him, I truly saw his eyes and the crazed rage in them. I just knew that he was going to kill me. Why I still had no idea, but I knew I was in mortal danger. So, I tried to fight back, to escape.” A pause. “That’s when it got really bad. He was infuriated by my resistance and started beating me senseless… It gets kind of hazy here. I guess I lost consciousness at one point, because the last clear memory I have is when he flipped me on my stomach, and…and pulled down my pants…and…and…” He was unable to conjure the words for what happened next.
Xander interrupted softly. “You don’t have to say it, Will. I know what he did to you, and I hate him for it. Well, I hated him already, but now I have a new reason for doing so.” He paused and studied Will’s downcast eyes and subdued body language. Something struck him suddenly. “Wait a minute. You don’t think you’re responsible for this somehow, do you?” When there was no response, Xander realized that William did indeed think that. Incredulous and indignant, he jumped up to kneel in front of his friend and gently forced Will to meet his eyes. “You are not responsible for this, Will. You can’t think that way. Angel had no right to do that to you, no matter what he said to you. You did nothing to invite this!”
There was a long silence as William digested these words, but the look in his eyes told Xander that he wasn’t buying it. Frowning, he rocked back on his heels for a moment and then failing to find the answer himself, he asked the question. “Will, why in the world do you think you’re to blame for this?” He was so surprised by the answer that he actually lost his balance and fell to the floor when William responded.
“Because…because I think that I may have done the same thing to someone else.” William finally met his eyes – one pair anguished and one pair confused. “Not to a guy, that is, but the same act…rape.” The last was said in a very small voice laced with disgust and pain, as if the very word was torturous to speak. “I’ve been having these dreams…and they’re always the same… I’m in a small room, and there’s a girl…I can’t see her face, but I’m on top of her…I can feel her under me…I can hear her screaming for me to stop…but I don’t listen… That’s all, but I wake up in a sweat every time.” William closed his eyes as the tears fell, and continued softly. “And if I could do that to someone else…then maybe I deserve to have it happen to me.”
Xander was stunned. This was totally beyond his ability to handle. He had started thinking of William and Spike as two totally separate entities. Now he was faced with a very real and very ugly reminder that they weren’t separate, but different parts of the same being. And he had no idea what to say to his friend, but he sensed that what he said next could be extremely important. He closed his own eyes for a few moments, trying to collect his thoughts and so many images went through his mind on high speed that it was a dizzying experience…heady, actually. But a moment of true clarity was the result, and he knew what to say. Opening his eyes, he said William’s name and then waited till he had his full attention to continue. “Will, no one deserves that. I’m not going to lie to you…Spike wasn’t a nice guy – most of the time, anyway. And you are Spike, even if you don’t remember, so how he acted affects how the rest of us view you. There was an incident with you and a girl.” He took a breath, but hurried on as he saw that Will looked like he might fall apart at those words. “There was an incident, but you didn’t rape her. Things got a bit out of control, from what I understand, but you didn’t rape her. Do you hear me, Will? In the end, you didn’t rape her or force yourself on her sexually at all. Okay?” He was right in William’s face by now, holding his shoulders and willing him to see the truth. He waited until William seemed to accept this, before relaxing his hold and continuing. “Your relationship with this girl…it wasn’t pretty. As a matter of fact, it was a bit violent, but that was because the two of you were both violent people. You handled things in a physical manner. It was how you related to everything – including each other.” As he spoke the words, Xander realized he was hearing the truth, really hearing it for the first time, and he felt freed by this realization. “I have no idea what your past relationship with Angel was like…and I don’t want to know, to be honest. But I do know that no matter what may have happened in your past with that girl or Angel or anyone else…YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE RAPED.” He stopped and they were both quiet for several minutes.
When William finally looked up, he met Xander’s eyes squarely and smiled tremulously. “Thank you, Xander. I needed to hear that. You’re a true friend. Thank you.” Xander nodded and ducked his head a bit shyly. Not sure what to do with himself now that the proverbial elephant had been addressed, Xander rubbed the back of his neck and asked, “Do you want to crack open that bottle of vodka now?”
William’s heartfelt, “God, yes!” brought a smile to both faces and just like that, the tension was broken and the subject dealt with. They poured a couple of shots of vodka and started drinking, as the rain continued to pour down outside.
Several hours later and having moved on to a case of Michelob, the two friends were digging into a bag of chips and watching a movie on TV. Nothing like a little ‘Die Hard’ followed by ‘Lethal Weapon’ to get the blood going. William was entranced. The mansion didn’t have a television and he was totally fascinated by it. The movies had him enthralled. He had always loved theater and this was even better, because you could pause the show to answer the call of nature, and not miss anything. It was after the second movie that Xander brought out the PlayStation and taught William how to play Mortal Kombat. William caught on quickly and the two men spent a good hour competing for the most kills. When they finally put down the controllers, William turned to him with a smile, and that was when it hit Xander. He was enjoying himself. For the first time since Anya had moved out, he was having fun in his own home. Suddenly the walls weren’t closing in on him and prompting him to reach for the bottle to escape his own loneliness. Acting on sheer impulse, Xander spoke up and asked William to move in with him. William looked surprised, relieved and pleased by this suggestion. He accepted gratefully, his admission to not wanting to go back to the mansion the only reference to the unpleasant incident of the night before. Xander showed him the second room, apologizing for the smallness of it, but was quickly reassured by William that it was perfect. It had a futon in it already and Xander showed him how to make it into a bed, another discovery that delighted William. When Xander asked him what else he wanted for his room, William frowned thoughtfully as he looked around before deciding that a dresser, some bookshelves and a nightstand would do just fine for him. Xander decided that it would be easier to build the bookshelves and got out his tape measure. William grabbed a pencil and a pad of paper to take notes, and before the two knew it, evening was upon them and the whole day had passed. William was yawning as Xander gathered sheets and a pillow for him, but Xander was still revved up from the events that had transpired that day. After his new roommate went to bed, Xander sat up for over an hour mulling over everything and making some decisions.
The next morning Xander rose early and was out the door at sunrise after leaving a note for William on the refrigerator. His first stop was the mansion where he took a few moments to make certain there were no other vehicles around before entering, a stake with Angel’s name on it firmly in his grasp. He didn’t waste time searching for the hated vampire, but made a quick sweep looking for William’s things. It was a pitifully small collection of clothes and books that Xander took with him. Looking down at the single box he carried, Xander made the swift decision that the afternoon would be spent shopping. Getting into his car, he took off toward Revello Drive, still trying to decide what exactly he was going to say. He had promised William that he would not share the truth with anyone. He didn’t like it – hated it actually – but only because he wanted everyone else to know just what a bastard Angel was. It totally infuriated him to think that son of a bitch was getting a free ride on this, but he respected William’s right to privacy and that was what made him agree to keep his mouth shut in the end. That and the fact that he was quietly plotting revenge on his friend’s behalf. Thinking of the many ways he could make Angel suffer brought a smile to his face, and that smile was the first thing Buffy saw when she opened the front door.
It was another dreary day, although it wasn’t raining as hard as it had been yesterday. Even so, Xander looked way too cheerful for this weather to Buffy’s way of thinking. A few minutes later he was back out the door after dropping his bombshell on the Summers girls. Not only was he still smiling, Xander was now whistling a happy tune like he hadn’t a care in the world. Buffy and Dawn looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders, each wondering what in the world had happened to make Xander invite William to live with him. Buffy was also asking herself why Angel hadn’t bothered to call her and let her know he was heading back to L.A. Not that he didn’t have the right to go back – his life is there now, after all. It’s just that a call would have been nice. Buffy pouted to herself that if she had known in advance, she could have invited William to stay with them and possibly gotten to know him better, which was a current goal of hers. Now he’s living with Xander! How did that happen? Shaking her head in confusion, Buffy headed to the kitchen to see what she could put together for dinner. Dawn was still looking out the window, thinking very different thoughts about the same matter. She was thrilled that Xander and William were getting along so well, at least judging by Xander’s attitude on the subject when he told them that Angel had gone back to L.A. and William was moving in with him. He’d been brief – only saying the basics and that he thought they’d want to know – but he hadn’t acted upset or angered like one would expect from Xander. No, he was practically giddy over the idea of William as a roommate. Huh, wonder what brought that on? This ought to be good – those two are like the original Odd Couple. Dawn giggled at that image and then frowned as she realized that Buffy was in the kitchen alone. Her sister may be the bomb when it came to killing monsters and saving the world, but she totally bombed at cooking. Who knew what kind of mess she was creating tonight? Dawn jumped up and hurried in to help before more perfectly innocent food was ruined by the Calamity Chef as she privately called Buffy. Neither sister gave another thought to the new living arrangements of their friends for the rest of the evening. It would only be much later that either would learn the truth of the matter. But for now, life was as good as it had been for some time, and could only get better…right?
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