Chapter 13 – A Very Good Friend of Mine



Spike stalked Buffy home, as he did every night, to make sure Soldier Boy left her house with nothing more than a goodnight kiss, no tongue, before heading off to find Clem.

Clem gave him lousy advice the last time he asked, but there was no one else to ask. Couldn’t ask her Watcher or that wanker, Peaches, and he definitely couldn’t ask the Whelp, not after Spike gave him a semi-harsh ass kicking the other night.

Which left Clem.

Spike banged through the door at Willy’s and ordered his usual, O neg, which didn’t have the kick it once had. Not compared to Slayer blood.

“I’m drinking to un-live, that’s all. And, does Miss Petite Vampire Duster care? Not a bit.”

Clem sat at the bar, reading The Demon Daily and drinking root beer. He offered Spike some of his spicy chicken wings, but Spike waved them away.

“What’s up Spike? You look glum,” Clem said.

“Slayer, what else?”

The buzzing of conversation stopped in the bar at Spike’s mention of the Slayer.

Spike vamped out to make the other customers return to their drinks and mind their own business. “Pack of gossips, the whole bleeding lot of you.”

“Really? Are you two still an item? I have two hundred bucks on you and the Slayer to get married before next spring.”

Couldn’t a vamp get any privacy in this town? “Wasted your dosh there, Clem. We broke up.”

Jurt and Burt, who had been playing pinball and eavesdropping on Spike and Clem’s conversation with their sensitive retractable horns, stopped their game long enough to go up to the bar and hand Willy some cash.

“Oh, that’s too bad,” Clem said. “About you and Buffy, too. Of course, if you got back together after word got out that you and the Slayer broke up, it could really increase the odds.” Clem got out his wallet and checked his supply of cash.

Spike ordered a bottle of Jack to chase his blood. He drank two shots, decided that wasn’t enough and downed two more. “Haven’t seen the little bint, except for stalking her every night. She’s got me so tangled up, I can’t bite straight.”

“Won’t she let you see her or talk to her?”

“Suppose she would, but she’s got herself snagged up with some poufter soldier from the Initiative and she won’t let me kill the ponce.”

“Hmmm. That is a complication. Could you go see her without killing the soldier?”

“I guess I could. Never thought of it.”

He’d thought about it twenty times a night for the past five weeks, but always lost his nerve. It was up to her to make the first move, since she was the one who kicked him to the curb, but the way things were going, she’d run off and marry the footslogger one day while his back was turned if he didn’t do something soon.

Yeah, he could sneak through her window after Joyce went to sleep. Worst that would happen was Slayer would bounce his ass back out again. Probably wouldn’t stake him. Probably.

Course, going to see her wouldn’t solve the problem of Soldier Git. He had to figure some way to cut him out of the picture. Short of killing him, which would be easier all around.

She was running around with Crew Cut in order to punish him for not offering to marry her. Or, maybe she just liked giving him a hard time. She couldn’t possibly love that berk, Finn.

“Before you married Clarna, when you were dating and all, did she give you a hard time? Chasing after other flapseras?”

“Oh my, Spike, Clarna lead me a merry chase. Yes, she did. My thirty-third cousin, twice – no - once removed, Clurfa’s his name, started sniffing around, bringing her dried skewered lizards and ailes grillées de batte and other delicacies. I had to move pretty fast to keep Clurfa from cutting me out.”

Spike gagged. Grilled bat wings and dried lizards. And, Buffy got all dainty at the sight of a little warm blood. If she only knew.

“What’d you do?”

“Clarna made soup out of the dried lizards. They make a nice, thick broth. Very tasty.”

Spike squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the overwhelming frustration of talking to Clem to pass. Bloody hell. He should have known he wouldn’t get a straight answer out of Clem.

“Don’t want to know about the lizards, or the bat wings either. What’d you do about Clarna?”

“I bought her a ring and proposed right away. I knew old Clurfa wasn’t good for any real jewelry and he wasn’t the marrying kind, either. Love ‘em and leave ‘em, that’s Clurfa. Anyway, I bought the ring and went to see Clarna. Put it right on the line. We’re getting married, Clarna, I said, and no guff.” Clem sipped his root beer.

He could steal a nice big diamond, or maybe a blood-red ruby, for Buffy from the pawn shop on Center Street. Might have to steal two or three to make sure he got one she liked. She ought to be happy with that silver Death’s Head Skull ring he gave her the last time they were engaged. Goldilocks never gave that back for all her protests about Lips of Spike.

He imagined himself wearing a fish-and-soup and getting married and slipping his skull ring on her finger forever. Pinpoint flames flared in the skull ring’s empty eye sockets, then the damn thing winked at him. Spike shook with fear.

“Don’t want to get married. I told you that. Just want Buffy to be my girl, and shack up with me and for her to quit playing around with that soldier.”

Clem shook his head. “Won’t work, Spike. You’re going to have to make a serious commitment if you want to get the soldier off your territory.”

Commitment! Flapseras had no pride. “What do you mean, it won’t work? Did your plan with Clarna work?”

“Not exactly.”

“Not exactly?”

Clem hung his head and stared sadly into his root beer. He drained the glass and ordered another.

“Clarna agreed to marry me all right. Then, she made me get a job. I’ve been working at her father’s bowling alley ever since.”

Spike drained his glass and threw it at the juke box which was playing Frank’s version of That Old Black Magic. He took a long pull from his bottle.

“It’s a trap, that’s what it is, Clem. A trap and a vicious circle. They wag their tail feathers at you, then they get a bun in their oven and the next thing you know, you’re married and working your claws to the bone.”

“I’m afraid so, Spike. What’s a bun in their oven?”

“You know, preggers?”

Clem wrinkled his face and looked confused.

“Up the spout?’

Clem shook his head.

“Pregnant!” Spike shouted.

Spike tipped the bottle of Jack up to his mouth and chugged the rest of the bottle. He wiped his mouth and fell off the bar stool.

Clem scratched some figures on a cocktail napkin. He signaled to Willy and passed him the note with a large wad of cash.


***

Aspen peered through the small diamond window set into the front door of Willy’s Place. The bar was the sleaziest place she’d ever seen in her life, but it was her only hope for helping Thomas. She went in.

Three ghostly pale creatures studied her and flared their nostrils as she walked up to the bar. They were sniffing her. It made her skin crawl.

Another one, with white hair and wearing a black leather coat, was so drunk, he fell off his barstool. He lay on the floor, cursing and muttering to himself about the perfidies of women. At least he wasn’t sniffing her.

A few months ago, she would have mistaken them for Goth punks or gang members. She couldn’t mistake what they were now. And, these vampires weren’t reined in by a silicone chip in their brains. She trembled.

Aspen pulled her necklace out of her blouse and touched the gold cross suspended around her neck. The vampires snarled and returned their attention to their drinks.

Some tall, thin grey-skinned creatures with stubby orange horns fiddled with the juke box, which didn’t seem to be working. They had the names Burt and Jurt embroidered on their bowling shirt pockets. Their horns twitched when she touched her cross.

The bartender was polishing the bar with a filthy rag. “What’ll you have, little lady? Got a special on AB negative today.”

Aspen puckered her mouth. She hadn’t adjusted to the idea of drinking blood, even when it came in a nice, neat plastic bag. She wasn’t sure she wanted to adjust.

“Are you Willy the Snitch? I’m looking for the Slayer.”

The white-haired vampire looked in her direction and tried to focus his eyes. He gave up and emptied his whiskey bottle down his throat.

“You looking for the Slayer, missy?” the vampire said. “Threw my heart at her feet and she gave me the sack. Might as well have staked me, the heartless bitch. You can’t trust her. She’s tricky. And, apartments are expensive.”

A strange looking creature with loose skin and floppy ears handed the blonde vampire a bottle of beer.

Apartments? Aspen turned her attention back to Willy. “The Slayer? Do you know her?”

“Shhhhh!” Willy said. “Don’t say that name so loud. Look, you’re upsetting the customers.”

Three of the vampires she’d identified earlier slid off their barstools at the mention of the Slayer, and slithered out the back door. The white-haired vampire on the floor sucked on his beer bottle.

“Look what you’ve done,” Willy said. “Those three were good for another bag of blood apiece. What do you want the Slayer for?”

“Is it true? She exists?”

“Yeah, she exists all right. She’s damn near ruined my business coming in here. She comes in here for information. I’m the Info Maven in this town.” Willy puffed out his chest and poked himself with his thumb.

Aspen placed a few worn dollar bills on the bar. “I need to find her. I need her help.”

“You’re in luck. So happens the Slayer is a very good friend of mine.” Willy tucked the bills in his shirt pocket.

***

It was almost dawn, when Buffy awoke to a tap on her window. The window was open, so she didn’t bother to get up. Jumping out of bed first thing in the morning these days was not the bestest idea.

“Awake, luv?” Spike asked as he crawled in the window and tripped over the window sill and landed on the floor.

Buffy wriggled in anticipation of the feel of his hands on her body. She was so happy to see Spike it took her a minute to remember she was aggravated at him. She remembered fast enough when she got a smell of his breath.

“Stating the obvious, Mr. Vampire, you’re drunk. And, why didn’t you come last night and visit my mother? She’s the one you want to see.”

Spike tossed his coat on a chair and sprawled on top of the bed next to Buffy wearing all his clothes. “I don’t mind a nice visit with your Mum. She treats me a lot better than you do.”

“What do you want?” Buffy asked. He hadn’t taken off his clothes so apparently, he didn’t want that. He might have at least taken off his boots before he came crawling into her bed.

“I wanted to see my girl,” he said. He held her face in his hands and kissed her softly.

Buffy kissed him back, entirely against her will. Hormones. She didn’t protest when his hands slipped up the front of her pajamas with the peppermint candies printed on them and stroked her breasts.

“I’m not your girl, Whiskey Breath,” she said in a vague, not entirely believable way. “I’m dating Riley and he’s nice and …”

Spike looked disgusted and stopped fondling her breasts under her pajamas and sat up in the bed.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s nice and normal and he has a job and he knows about demons and vampires. Got the drill.”

Buffy wanted to scream. Why’d he stop?

“He’s got a pulse, too,” she said. “You forgot that part.”

“Big deal. I had a pulse once.” Spike patted his shirt pocket for cigarettes and booze. He’d left his smokes and flask in his coat pocket across the room and he didn’t want to get up after he’d wangled his way into Buffy’s bed without getting a broken nose.

Buffy flopped onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Couldn’t he tell she wanted sex? Couldn’t he smell her or something gross like that? What did she have to do? Invite him in?

Spike sniffed Buffy appreciatively. “What’s the matter, pet? Frustrated?”

“Shut up.” She squeezed her thighs together to keep from jumping him.

She wanted to brag that Riley was keeping her fulfilled, but stopped herself when she remembered Spike’s promise to kill Riley if he touched her. Besides, Spike skulked after the two of them continually and he knew exactly how far Buffy permitted Riley to go.

“Been meaning to ask you, how’ve you managed to keep Soldier Boy at arm’s length? Let me guess. I've been hurt before and want to take my time and make sure you're the right one?” Spike delivered that last part in his imitation Buffy voice.

“None of your business.” That was exactly the line she’d fed Riley to keep him from getting in her pants. Spike could be so annoying.

“Want to go to Tanzgotik tonight? Been a while since we went dancing.”

Buffy huffed. He had his gall asking her for a date at the last minute, especially after not talking to her for five weeks, one day and thirteen hours. “I have a previous engagement.”

Another movie with Mr. Boring and a follow-up round of My Father Always Says. Sometimes she wasn’t sure if she was dating Riley Snore, Jr. or Riley Snore, Sr.

Spike relented and tweaked her nipple through the fabric of her pajamas. “What happened to your pajamas with the little fish bits on them? I liked those. They were nice and thin.”

Buffy abandoned her Yummy Sushi pajamas weeks ago. The mere thought of raw fish made her gag these days.

“Don’t mention raw fish. Ugh, I’m gonna be sick.”

She ran to the bathroom and banged up the toilet seat in time for her first barf of the day.

Spike was right behind her. He rubbed her back while she threw up and handed her a glass of water when she got to the dry heave part. He waited while she brushed her teeth.

She held her head low over the sink while she brushed, so she could ignore the little green and black spots spiraling in front of her eyes.

“Okay, luv?” he asked. He smoothed her hair back behind her ears.

“Fine.” Awful. Why was he being nice? She wanted to be in a snit and he was making it very difficult.

Buffy jerked her head up too fast, which made the green and black spots spin around faster. She reached out to replace her toothbrush in its ceramic holder and crumpled to the floor.

Spike caught her before she hit her head.

When she woke up, she was in her bed with her knees propped up on a pillow and a cold cloth on her forehead. There was a glass of water and a couple of soda crackers on her nightstand, that hadn’t been there before.

The sun was up and Spike was gone.