Chapter 27 - You Got a Better Plan?



They’d been walking down grey-paneled halls with only an occasional locked door and no signs of human life for five minutes. All they came across were more empty halls crossing their path.

“We’re lost,” Buffy said.

She opened the second bag of blood and held it to Spike’s mouth. His appetite was beginning to return and he sucked hard on the bag. His skin pinked and turned opaque. He’d never looked more handsome to Buffy than right now, painfully thin, hair rumpled and completely hers. She touched his skeletal hand, but was afraid to squeeze his fingers, they looked so delicate.

“Let’s pull over at the nearest gas station and ask for directions.” Xander took out his Initiative blueprint again. He turned it upside down, then sideways, held it up to the light, then folded it neatly and returned it to his vest pocket.

“We passed that door three times. I’m sure of it.”

“I’m not. All the doors look alike. Let’s try this direction.” He pointed to the left.

Buffy fumbled around in her combat jacket until she found what she was looking for – her constant companion – an aerosol can of Cheezee Whizee. She sprayed a dot on the nearest door. The dot slid down the metal door, leaving a greasy cheese trail, then stuck half way down.

“You brought a can of Cheezee Whizee.”

“Sure.” Buffy squirted a small gob in her mouth. She had to be sparing. She didn’t want to run out before they escaped. She offered a squirt to Spike, but he was sleeping after finishing off the bag of blood she’d given him.

Xander’s mouth hung open in Incredulous Face. He crooked his index finger and pointed at her.

“Let me rephrase, Captain Summers. We’re on a dangerous mission to steal a herd of vampires from a fortified federal military installation, not to mention absconding with Evil Dead here, their pet highly-classified vampire, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer brought a can of Cheezee Whizee.”

Buffy pushed the gurney and walked ahead. “It’s a kiss of vampires, not a herd, and I don’t see you dropping any breadcrumbs, Private Hansel.”

“I was a normal teenager before I met you. I had pimples, hormones and nerdy clothes. I got beat up for my lunch money. Now, look at me. I’m in the company of a female who squirts Cheezee Whizee in her mouth, I’m rescuing bloodthirsty killer vampires and saving the only vampire in the world I hate more than Angel, and I still have pimples, hormones and nerdy clothes. And, could I just mention, there is a deep flowing vein of insanity running in the Summers’ family line?”

“What’s your point?” Buffy asked.

They walked down the hall to the left and in a few minutes returned to the door with the dot of Cheezee Whizee on it. The dot was crusty.

“Told you so,” Buffy said. “We’re walking in a circle.”

“Fine, Danielle Boone. Which way would you like to go?”

“Let’s try the hall to the right.”

They walked to the right, circled around and again arrived at the door Buffy had decorated with the blob of Cheezee Whizee.

“I take it back,” Buffy said. “We’re not lost. We’re trapped.”

***

The first faded morning light appeared behind the mountains behind Isla Vista and the sky lightened.

“We can’t wait any longer for Buffy and Xander and Spike, assuming they’ve found Spike,” Giles said. “The sun will be up in less than an hour. Some of the boats are open and there’s no cover for the vampires. They’ll be fried to ashes in the morning sun.”

Joyce twisted her fingers. “We can’t leave them.”

“Let’s get the other boats on the way,” Willow said. “We’ll sail out with the others, then circle back. We can listen for Buffy on the walkie-talkies from a distance and swoop back in when they show up.”

Giles did the tisking thing with his tongue. “You can’t swoop in a yacht, even one this large, Willow. The boat won’t go that fast and the Initiative will certainly be watching for any further intrusions. We need to be as close in as possible to have any chance to rescue Buffy and the others. Also, the radios may not work.”

“What’s your brilliant idea, Mr. Tongue Tisker?”

Giles sighed. “Sail out with the others and swoop back when Buffy calls us. Joyce, get Thomas and the other vampires inside the cabin and close up the portholes.”

Joyce signaled the other SPIT members to leave. The boats sped back to the docks at Isla Vista, filled with vampires and drunk SPITsters.

***

Buffy poked the crusted spot of Cheezee Whizee. It popped off the wall and landed on the floor, flat side down. She checked to see if Spike was comfortable and snuck in a quick kiss on his ear while Xander played with his walkie-talkie.

She kicked a couple walls and succeeded in denting, but not opening them. She checked out the air vents in the ceiling, but they were too far up to reach, even standing on the gurney or getting a boost from Xander. Damn being short.

Having nothing better to do, she slid down the wall and sat down.

“Can’t hear anything on the radio,” Xander said. “The walls must be blocking the sound.” Xander sat down beside her and fished a package of Twinkies out of his combat vest.

Buffy swatted Xander on the arm. “You’ve got your nerve questioning your Commanding Officer’s Cheezee Whizee rations. Give.”

“No way. I can’t help it if you came on this mission unprepared.” He held the Twinkies over her head and crinkled the package.

“I seem to remember you volunteered to supply the Tasty Snacking Cakes on this mission. I need creamy vanilla filling to keep my strength up. The baby needs sugar.”

She pouted. It was much easier getting her way with Spike. He always let her have her way.

Xander sighed and handed over one of his Twinkies. Buffy was harder to deal with than ever, now that she was pregnant. He almost felt sorry for Blood Breath. Nah. Spike deserved whatever he got.

“Don’t even think about breaking America’s Favorite Snack Cake in half and sticking your finger in there to goop out the filling.”

“Okay, I won’t.” Buffy broke the Twinkie in half and sucked the white, puffy filling out of the center of one of the halves in a single slurp.

“Have I mentioned lately your table manners are atrocious? Everyone knows Twinkies are consumed whole, like this.” He stuffed a whole Twinkie in his mouth and chewed for several minutes.

“Gross me out, Xander. How are we going to get out of here?” Buffy squirted some Cheezee Whizee into the empty center of her Twinkie and ate it with dainty bites.

Xander stared at her in horror. “Somebody kill me. I’m feeling sorry for Evil Dead. He’s saddled himself with a woman who puts Cheezee Whizee in a Twinkie. It’s more than any mortal man could be expected to bear. Good thing he’s dead. God knows what you’d do with a Little Debbie Spice Cake.”

“Pineapple salsa and yellow mustard might be good.” She finished her Twinkie, tucked her Cheezee Whizee back in her vest and wiped her hands on the gurney sheet.

Xander swallowed hard. “Speaking of Evil Dead, you got some esplaning to do. How long did you know about his chip being burned out?”

She licked her fingers. “A month or so. Riley burned it out.”

“And, you didn’t mention to anyone that your Evil Serial Killer Boyfriend was footloose and fang-free?”

“I love him, Xander. I wanted to give him a chance.”

“A chance to do what? Kill more people?”

“A chance to be a good guy. That would be the same chance I gave you after your Hyena Episode. You remember, felony sexual assault?”

Before Xander could respond, one of the walls began to move, then another, blocking their path and boxing them into a smaller and smaller space.

They jumped up and raced back and forth trying to get through the open walls before they slid closed, but couldn’t push Spike’s gurney through any of the gaps fast enough to escape, even if they had known which panel blocked them from getting free. Within moments they were confined to a small cube of space.

They sat down again.

“Do you think someone knows where we are and is trapping us in an unusually small room to see if we’re claustrophobic?” Xander asked.

“Either that, or they’re planning to capture us.” Buffy said. “Got any more Twinkies?”

“Nope.”

“Ding Dongs?”

“Nope.” He refused to look Buffy in the eyes.

Buffy suspected he was hoarding Ding Dongs. They wouldn’t taste all that good with Cheezee Whizee, so she didn’t insist on searching his vest pockets.

“Guess I’ll have to get us out of here since we’ve run out of Snacks Ready to Eat. Got any more Big Bang Bubble Gum?”

Xander smacked himself on the forehead. “What was I thinking? Let’s randomly blow a few walls apart in a closely confined space with no protective cover and see what happens?”

Xander could be so snooty about his Soldier Boy knowledge. Next time she dressed up for Halloween, she was going to dress up like a rocket scientist or Bill Gates or Oprah or somebody smart. Then, she’d be smarter than the whole gang, Giles even, for months, maybe years. That would show Mr. Xander Manly Soldier.

“You got a better plan?” she asked.

One of the walls slid open.

Riley walked into the cube of space, holding a rifle on them with one hand and a wooden stake in the other. He used his remote control to slide the wall back in place behind him.

“I do.”