Home?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The walk through town was passed in silence as she followed her companions blindly. Even if anyone had spoken, she would not have noticed, so caught up in absorbing every little detail of her hometown. Had that shop always been there? Was that a new billboard? She hated that she didn’t have the answers for any of her idle questions. She found herself studying every passer-by, wondering if they had ever talked, shared a smile, even a look.

She was more freaked out about this whole thing than she let on. Somehow, though, she had a feeling that she was looked up to by the members of the group, not least by her little sister. She looked at the tall girl walking in front of her and wished she could summon up even the most insignificant childhood memory. She shook her head and came to a stop alongside the group outside a large house. Dawn turned to her with a hesitant smile.

“This is home,” she explained and headed for the door with the two witches, who apparently lived here too.

She paused at the end of the path, looking up at the house as if it might spark some age-old memory. This was her home, for God’s sake. Why did it look like every other house on the block? Why didn’t she feel any pull towards it? She jumped as she felt a touch on her arm and spun round to face Spike, only now noticing that the vampire had stayed at her side.



“You alright?” he asked softly.

She gave him a weak smile and was about to say that she was fine but something about him stopped her from spouting to him the lie she would have given any of the others.

“I just...I feel nothing, looking at this house. It could be anyone’s house. I hate being so cut off from everything.”

His hand moved to rest against her shoulder and he gave it a light squeeze.

“Your friends seem to know what they’re talking about. They’ll figure it out.”

She smiled weakly and met his bright gaze.

“It’s funny how you call them my friends.”

“Well, they’re not mine,” he replied, pulling his hand back and stuffing his hands in his pockets, “Don’t know much, but I sure as hell can tell that.”

“What did Xander say to you on the way to yours?” she asked curiously, searching his eyes.

“Doesn’t matter,” he murmured, “Come on, let’s get inside before they send out a search party.”

With a glance at her, he strode along the path and stopped on the porch, waiting for her. With a slight frown and another glance at this unfamiliar house, she followed him and they went into the house together.



As Dawn helped Spike get settled on the couch, finding blankets and a spare pillow, the two witches showed her her room. The tension between the two was more than palpable and she was relieved when they finally bade her goodnight and left her in her room. Left alone, she sank to the bed and glanced around, her eyes darting all around the unfamiliar room. Did she really have a New Kids on the Block poster? What was with the mumsy décor?

She realised then that this was nothing more than a normal teenager’s room and, strangely, there was nothing in the room that might indicate that she was a Slayer. She was about to begin a thorough examination of her room, but was stopped as there came a knock at the door.

“Yeah?” she called out hesitantly, breathing a sigh of relief when Dawn appeared in the doorway.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Is everything okay in here?” Dawn asked, watching her worriedly, “I know it must feel weird and all-“

“I’m fine, Dawn,” she soothed, smiling softly, “Just didn’t expect my room to be this nice… or this tidy.”

Dawn smiled and she felt a bit better, even though she had been lying to pacify her sister.

“Your pyjamas are in the dresser there,” Dawn explained, pointing at the dresser in question.

“Thanks.”

“Well, erm, I guess I better get to bed.”

“Night, Dawn.”

“Night.”

With a slight smile at her once more, Dawn left the room, shutting the door behind her.



She quickly changed into her pyjamas and got into her bed, lying on her back and staring at the ceiling. As she had already guessed though, sleep was not going to come easy tonight. Her mind was too full of questions. Plus, it almost felt like she was sleeping in a stranger’s bed.

After what must have been half an hour of hopeless trying, she finally gave up on sleep and pushed herself up, glancing out of the window for a moment before getting to her feet. The house was silent as she made her way out of her room and down the stairs, but as she reached the bottom, she heard the slightest of sounds and when she rounded the corner, she found Spike sat on the couch, eyes fixed on the muted television. He looked up as she moved into the doorway and gave her a wry smile.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“Apparently not,” she murmured, glancing at the television as she moved further into the room. He was watching one of those old horror films. About vampires. She smiled softly and nodded at the space on the couch beside him.

“Can I?”

“Sure,” he replied, shifting slightly to the left to make room for her. She sank onto the sofa beside him and gave him a slight smile.

“Seen any friends yet?” she asked with a nod towards the television.

With an embarrassed look, he turned off the television and gave her a half-smile. He turned back to the television, watching the empty screen, and she found herself watching him. His watching a programme about vampires showed that he too probably had the same sense of imbalance that she was feeling, not knowing anything about his past, and yet he seemed - outwardly at least - to be dealing with it a lot better than she was.



“You’re dealing with this whole thing really well,” she commented, outing her thoughts.

He turned to her and gave her another one of those half-smiles that made him look almost boyish.

“Benefits of age, I guess.”

She gave him an once-over and frowned.

“You’re not that old.”

“How do you know, love? Could be the oldest vampire you’ve ever met.”

She paused for a moment, contemplating it, but he just didn’t fit with the image in her head of a hundred-year-old vampire: ancient and almost-rotten.

“You look young anyway.”

He gave her another smile and settled back against the couch. After a moment’s silence, he spoke up.

“You’re not coping so badly.”

“You think?!” she asked incredulously, turning wide eyes on him, “I feel like I might explode if one more thing happens that I don’t understand… or if I see one more thing that I don’t recognise… I hate not knowing anything about me, about my life… even about this stupid town and my job and-”

She trailed off and gave him an exasperated look.

“You said I was coping?” she quipped tiredly.

“Well, you make a very good show of coping.”



She was silent for a long moment, turning her gaze to her feet as she pulled them up underneath her.

“I get the feeling I do that a lot.”

She glanced back at him to find him watching her, his head tilted to one side in a silent plea to continue.

“Well, even though I’m the one with the memory loss, I still feel like everyone expects me to be in charge, you know? Expects me to know what to do…”

“Does look that way. Guess they usually rely on you to make the decisions.”

She sighed and sank back against the soft cushions, hugging her knees.

“Well, they’re going to have to figure this out without me because I have no idea about anything. Right now I’m just struggling to stay sane.”

He gave her a soft smile and reached out to place his hand over hers, squeezing it gently.

“You’re not alone, you know that.”

She nodded and moved her hand to wrap her fingers around his, squeezing his hand back.

“I know,” she murmured, and then smiled, “Does it sound completely selfish that I’m glad you’re stuck like this too?”

He laughed and drew his hand away from hers gently and she felt a little pang at the loss of his soothing touch.

“Not at all, love.”

He picked up the remote he had abandoned and smiled at her.

“Fancy some more ridiculous vampire stories? Unless you want to sleep?”

“Vampire stories sounds good to me,” she answered with a smile and he promptly flicked the television back on. She curled up at one end of the sofa and they settled down to watch a hilariously bad film about Dracula.



She lurched up, breathing heavily, clawing at her pyjama top in her struggle to breathe. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, had to get out.

“Buffy? Buffy, love?”

She felt strong hands gripping her arms and she struggled harder. No, she had to get out.

“Buffy!”

The voice was louder now, almost a growl, and the grip tightened on her arms and suddenly her eyes snapped open, bringing her face to face with a worried Spike. When her eyes met his, she saw the relief on his face and he loosened his grip on her as she scrambled to sit up, her heart hammering in her chest, still struggling to breathe. His hand lingered on her shoulder and she finally raised wide, scared eyes to his.

“Are you alright?” he asked softly.

She shook her head slightly, taking long, deep breaths.

“Buffy? What happened?”

“I…I don’t know,” she whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around herself to fight off the sudden chill that had crept through her bones. It was only then that she noticed the blanket over her feet and she realised that Spike must have covered her in it some time after she had fallen asleep.

She drew it up now and wrapped herself up in it, shaken to the core by a nightmare that she couldn’t quite remember. It seemed that her body still remembered something horrible that had been lost to her waking mind.

“Buffy?”

Remembering the vampire now, she raised her head and gave him a shaky smile.

“A nightmare. I… I’m fine.”

He twitched an eyebrow, obviously not believing her and she sighed.

“Okay, not completely fine. But… I’m okay. It was just a nightmare.”

He nodded and finally moved his hand from her shoulder, sitting back and running a hand through his tousled hair. And man, when did he lose his T-shirt? Why hadn’t she noticed this before?



He was half-wrapped up in a blanket and with a look at the couch behind him, his messed-up hair and the sleepy look in his eyes, she realised she had woken him from his sleep.

“I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Huh? Oh, no worries, pet. Just glad you’re okay.”

He rubbed at his leg and sank back against the couch with a sigh.

“And glad you stopped with the kicking.”

“Oh God, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean-”

“It’s fine,” he answered with a smile, “No harm done.”

She frowned and hugged herself tighter in the protective cocoon of her blanket. He suddenly stretched and she found her eyes glued to his chest and the way the muscles moved. He seemed not to notice her though and when he bent forward to retrieve his T-shirt from the floor, she quickly looked away, hoping to cover her blush. He tugged on his T-shirt and got to his feet.

“I’m just gonna go out front for a smoke. You gonna be okay?”

She nodded, sinking her head into the cushions, hugging the blanket around her. He moved towards the door but paused at her side, brushing a hand over her hair.

“Try and get some more rest, yeah? Still a few hours ‘til sun-up.”

She nodded once more and he smiled, drawing his hand away and moving out of the room, leaving her with the unsettling half-memory of her dream.