Hurting and Hiding

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Somehow they ended up in the club they had passed – the Bronze – and they sat in silence in one of the booths at the back, both of their gazes fixed on the people around them. The words they had overheard were running through Buffy’s mind and she just couldn’t believe that her supposed friends thought she wanted to be stuck this way, with no memory of who she really was. After all, it was one of those supposed friends who had taken her memories anyway! And now she was to blame.

As angry as she was at that, she couldn’t help coming back to the other things they had said- and especially the things that had made the last hour between her and Spike particularly awkward. He had feelings or her… or at least had with all his memories intact. It was kind of a weird feeling, but she was enjoying this awkwardness between them even less.

She realised then that since this whole thing had started, being around Spike had kept her calm and she didn’t want to lose that sense of stability now. She finally turned to him and touched his arm. He started at her touch and spun to face her.

“Buffy?”

“I’m choosing not to believe anything they say. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t want this to happen. So...they must be wrong.”

“Right,” he got out uncertainly.

“And, erm, well... it doesn’t matter what we’re like with our memories. It doesn’t mean anything now, does it? The stone’s been wiped clean.”

“Slate, love.”

“Yeah, that. So, clean start. I feel we should celebrate.”

She raised the drink she had barely touched and gave him a nervous smile as she waited for him. He eventually smiled back though and raised his glass, touching it to hers and taking a sip.



Now, she wasn’t usually one for alcohol...but desperate times and all that. With a couple of drinks inside her, she felt a lot calmer about the whole thing. She could relax and forget that she had, well, forgotten. She didn’t care what her friends thought, she was Buffy either way: with memories or without. And they would just have to deal with that.

Spike pushed his way back through the crowd and dropped into the booth at her side, sliding her drink across the table.

“M’lady.”

She smiled and took the drink, pulling the straw to her lips and taking a long sip. He smiled and settled beside her, one arm resting on the back of the seat as he took a mouthful of whiskey.

“I bet you were one of the cool kids at school,” she murmured with a smile, scooting closer so he could hear her over the music, “A rebel, no doubt.”

“Bet you were a goody two shoes,” he countered, “Probably a cheerleader too.”

“Me? A cheerleader?!” she exclaimed with a laugh, “Na-huh. I bet I was a reject. The weird girl who talked about vampires and demons.”

He laughed and took another sip of whiskey, his eyes shining with amusement.

“Can imagine you as a little Goldilocks. Probably had the other little boys wrapped around your finger.”

“I bet you were actually a jock. Not football... maybe swim team?”

They both tailed off and shared a smile.

“I bet our lives are actually way more boring than that,” she commented with a sip of her drink, “But hey, we get to make up new histories!”

He smiled and shook his head slightly as he took another mouthful of his drink.



“I bet you were a mommy’s boy,” she spoke up after a long silence and he twitched an eyebrow at her, “I bet you were! She probably adored you, even if you were a bad boy.”

He smirked and she laughed out loud. Her eyes flew across the crowd and she froze as she spotted familiar faces heading their way.

“Oh. Great,” she bit out, placing her drink down on the table.

Spike frowned and turned towards the crowd and she saw the instant he spotted the group as his shoulders tensed.

“Oh God Buffy! There you are!” Willow exclaimed, the first to reach them, “We were worried about you.”

“Well, I’m fine,” she answered shortly.

The redhead frowned and the others reached them, the two males in particular not looking particularly happy.

“Buffy, we were extremely concerned about your wellbeing! You should have reported back to us.”

Spike quirked an eyebrow at her, unseen to the group, and she quickly smothered the smile it drew from her.



“Well, you guys were so busy. It didn’t seem worth bothering you. You said you’d call if you found anything. You haven’t found anything, have you?”

She saw Dawn go to speak but Giles silenced her with a gesture.

“Not as yet. It would have been nice to know you’d finished your patrol safely though.”

She shrugged and picked up her drink again, taking a sip.

“Buffy, are you drinking?!” Willow exclaimed.

“Last time I checked, this was a drink, yeah.”

“But... alcohol? You’re underage!”

Well, that answered that question.

“Well, I don’t know that do I!” she countered, “I don’t know anything!”

She closed her eyes, fighting to calm herself. She felt Spike’s hand brush against her leg under the table and reached down to lace her fingers through his, letting his touch calm her. She finally opened her eyes and raised her drink again.

“And I’m finding it a lot easier to deal with this with some alcohol, thanks very much.”

“Buffy! That’s very irresponsible!”

“What’s the worst that could happen? I could wake up and not remember tonight! Oh no!” she commented sarcastically, “Oh, wait, I’ve already lost years of memories, what’s a couple of hours going to hurt?!”

She saw the looks of shock on her friends’ faces but she just couldn’t deal with them right now. Pushing herself to her feet, she scooted past Spike and pushed past the group.

“Excuse me, I need some air.”

Without looking back, she made her way out of the club and into the cool, night air.



She had half-expected him to follow her and so when Spike caught up with her less than two blocks from the Bronze, she wasn’t surprised as he fell into step beside her.

“You alright?” he asked softly and she gave him a grimace in reply. “Fair enough.”

She wandered aimlessly, the vampire at her side, until they inevitably reached one of the cemeteries. She recognised it and came to a halt, turning to Spike.

“Can we go to yours?”

“Sure,” he answered hesitantly.

She headed for the crypt and went in ahead of him, letting out a breath she didn’t even realise she’d been holding until then. She stopped in the middle of the floor and felt Spike behind her, watching her.

“Buffy?”

She drew her eyes away from the hole in the floor and turned to him.

“Can we go downstairs?” she asked, “I feel like I can’t get far enough away from them.”

He gave her a concerned look but nodded to the hole anyway. She moved forward but he caught her arm, halting her.

“Let me go first. S’dark down there and I can see better.”

She nodded and let him go first, following him hesitantly into the darkness of the lower level. She was glad he had gone first when she saw just how dark it was.

“There’s some candles somewhere,” he murmured, flicking open his lighter to shed a tiny amount of light on the area.



Finally, he found some candles and lit them, throwing light into the dark room. And sure enough, it did look like a bedroom. She moved forward hesitantly and perched on the end of the bed, waiting as he finished lighting every candle he could find. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself and bowed her head, wishing she could make this all go away. She felt Spike settle next to her and when he laid a gentle hand against her back, she almost crumbled.

“Buffy?”

She raised her gaze to his and forced a weak smile.

“I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” she whispered.

“Come on, love,” he soothed, passing a hand over her hair, “It’ll be alright. They’re just worried about you because they care.”

“Well, I wish they wouldn’t! I don’t know them and right now, I don’t really want to.”

“Come on now, love. They’re your friends. Nothing changes that.”

She frowned and ducked her head, noticing that his hand was still brushing over her hair. It was surprisingly soothing and she closed her eyes, her whole body relaxing.

“It’ll work out alright, Buffy,” he murmured and she nodded helplessly. She raised her head and smiled weakly.

“Thank you.”

“What for?”

“You always make me feel better when I feel like I’m going mad.”

He smiled and stroked his hand over her hair once more, his fingertips just grazing her cheek.

“Tell you a secret, yeah?”

She nodded and he smiled softly.

“Making you feel better makes me feel better.”

She let out a little half laugh and he smiled wider, pulling her into an impromptu hug.



It started off as a playful half-hug, but when he went to pull away, she clung to him, winding her arms around him. He froze for a moment but then he tightened his arms around her, his breath cooling her neck as she buried her head in his shoulder. Wrapped up in his arms, her head hidden against him, she felt an unbelievable calm. What was it about this vampire that did this to her?

“You alright?” he murmured, one hand stroking her back.

She nodded, her head still buried in his shoulder.

“Guess I just really needed a hug,” she whispered and with a short chuckle, he tightened his arms around her.

“Better?” he whispered and she could hear the smile in his voice.

She nodded and let out a sigh as she curled herself against his chest, enjoying the soothing caress of his hand over her back. Somehow, she finally forced herself to pull away and sat back, smiling weakly.

“Thanks.”

He smiled and brushed a hand over her shoulder.

“Anytime.”

“Might hold you to that.”

He just smiled and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“Guess we should get back to yours.”

She paused, glancing back at the bed behind them. Her gaze moved to his and she saw him watching her intently.

“I know this is a huge favour to ask, but...do you think maybe we could stay here? I mean, can I stay here?”



He was silent for a long moment but then he gave her another soft smile.

“’Course. But you know you can’t hide from them forever.”

“I know. But just for the night’s fine, right?”

He smiled wider and moved from the bed, walking around it and pulling the covers back.

“Looks clean enough.”

She giggled and moved round to the other side of the bed. He looked up at her and she could have sworn she saw nervousness flicker across his expression.

“Well, you make yourself at home and I’ll, err, I’ll be upstairs.”

He turned away, searching the room for something.

“Just get some, err, blankets or something.”

“You’re not staying here with me?” she asked, knowing he had been planning otherwise. He spun back round to face her, his blue eyes shining brightly.

“S’up to you, love.”

Kicking her boots off, she pulled the covers down and moved to sit on the bed, looking up at him.

“I’d like you to stay with me,” she murmured softly, “Maybe...will you hold me again?”

He paused, swallowed hard, and then gave her a jerky nod. He slipped off his jacket and laid it across a nearby chair before sitting to remove his boots. He threw them to the side as she curled up under the covers, waiting for him.



He turned back to her and with a hesitant smile, moved under the covers next to her, settling on his back. She inched forward and hesitantly rested her head against his chest, letting out a sigh when he slipped an arm around her shoulders and drew her close to him. She curled up against him and closed her eyes, really relaxing for the first time all day.

Had it really been a whole day already? A whole day, plus some, with no memory of who she was. She was right when she had told Spike she didn’t think she’d be able to take this much longer. She was trembling now as she fought against an outburst of tears that was threatening to overwhelm her. Somehow though, the façade of strength she had put on around her friends disintegrated and she couldn’t stop the tears from coming.

“Oh, love,” she heard Spike murmur and he tightened his hold on her, his hand taking up its soothing caress over her hair once more as he rocked her gently. She could do nothing but bury her head in his shoulder and cry. Cry for the mother she couldn’t remember; for the friends who were lying to her; for all the little pieces of her that had been robbed along with her memories.