Not Right Now

A/N: I'm back again! Sorry for the break. I'm sure you'll be glad to hear the next few chapters are already written, so no more delays! So, on with the story...

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She walked through town as quickly as she could, blocking out every thought except that she needed to get to the shop and tell her friends. She just couldn’t think about Spike right now … couldn’t think about what they had just done. She shook her head, realising she was already straying into dangerous ground and moved on even quicker, focussing on the pound of her heels on the concrete as she navigated her way mindlessly back to the shop.

As soon as she entered through the back door, she heard raised voices and took a deep breath before opening the door and heading through into the main room. Everyone went completely silent as she came into the room, Xander in particular avoiding her gaze.

“Buffy. You’re back.”

“Yeah,” she answered quietly, “I’m completely back now.”

“You mean…”

“I remember everything,” she whispered sadly, “You can test me if you want.”

There was silence and she found everyone looking at her shock.

“How did this happen?” Giles asked, moving forward, his gaze intent as he studied her.

She felt a flush in her cheeks but forced herself to speak, to give them the reason she had thought up on the way here.

“I… Well, I was with Spike- talking to Spike. And then suddenly… bam! Memories.”

She gave a little shrug and ducked her eyes from Giles’ penetrating gaze, moving to sit in a chair and looking back up at them once again, waiting for the interrogation.



“And there was nothing particular that may have triggered this?” Giles asked curiously.

“No, we were just talking, like I said.”

“About what?”

She went still for a moment and dropped her gaze ever so slightly.

“About, erm, what happened earlier.”

Her gaze flicked of its own accord to Xander but as soon as he caught her gaze, he turned his away and she turned back to Giles with an imperceptible sigh.

“Extraordinary,” Giles murmured, “To think that all of a sudden, your memories were returned. I have a book somewhere, I think…”

He trailed off, already turning to the stacks of books, but she spoke up, halting him.

“No!” she exclaimed, quickly toning down her reaction, “I mean… I’m me again. Do we really need to work out why? Can’t we just accept it?”

Giles paused for a moment, hesitating, but finally nodded and gave her a slight smile.

“It’s good to have you back, Buffy.”

She smiled half-heartedly and leant back in her chair.

“And Spike got his memories back too?” Dawn asked in the ensuing silence and Buffy couldn’t help but tense at his name, an image of his body above hers flashing through her mind.

“Err, yeah,” she mumbled, her hand unconsciously coming to rest over the place where he had bitten her. It had been with his human teeth but she could still feel the indentations and found herself pulling her coat tighter around her. She couldn’t think about that right now.



She was more than glad to be heading home not much later, her head pounding from the strain of all the things she was trying to avoid thinking about. She moved towards the door with Dawn but as she reached it, Willow called out to her quietly.

“Buffy, can I…can I talk to you?”

Buffy turned back to her and with a slight nod and a glance at Dawn, she followed the witch over to a quiet corner. Willow stood there for a long time without saying anything, twisting her hands together nervously and biting her lip- and in that moment, Buffy was reminded of the awkward, timid teenager she had once been. She had not seen sight of that teenager for a long time now and she realised with a pang that she sort of missed that old Willow, the one who would have been too afraid to do spells on the people she loved. Willow finally spoke, breaking her out of her daze.

“I’m so sorry, Buffy,” Willow murmured, her eyes full of unshed tears.

“I don’t know how you could do that to me,” Buffy commented, “It was so horrible not knowing anything. How could you do that?!”

“I never meant for it to happen,” the witch answered tearfully, “I just wanted to make things better… I wanted to make things okay between me and Tara.”

“Where is Tara?” Buffy asked suddenly, “I haven’t seen her for days.”

“She- she broke up with me,” Willow stuttered out, “She’s staying in the dorm.”

“Oh,” she fell silent, part of her knowing she should offer her friend consolation, but part of her reluctant. It was funny how a few days without any memory could totally shift her perception of the people around her. Which only brought a vision of the vampire to the fore, only for her to force it away just as quickly. No, no going there right now.



“Willow, I just… I don’t really know how to understand all this right now.”

“I know. I, just, God I’m so sorry, Buffy. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Maybe you didn’t… but this isn’t the first time you’ve thought of yourself first,” Buffy murmured lowly and the witch looked at her with horrified eyes.

“Buffy, I never-“

She held up a hand, stopping her friend.

“Don’t. It’s too late now.”

She sighed and dropped her gaze to the floor.

“Will, I think you need to move out… get some space and clear your head.”

Willow gave her a pained look, her wide eyes swimming with tears.

“I…I understand.”

She gave the witch a hesitant smile and sighed once more.

“I’m sorry it came to this, Will.”

The witch said nothing in reply, struggling with her tears, and Buffy turned away and headed back to her sister with a heavy heart. When did everything start going so wrong?



The two sisters made their way through town and back to a house that was eerily quiet without the numerous additional inhabitants it had had in the last few days. Buffy went through to the kitchen and put the kettle on, leaning against the counter and looking around at the familiar room. Dawn soon joined her and slid onto a stool, watching her warily.

“Are you okay?” she asked hesitantly.

“That’s kind of a complicated question right now, Dawnie,” she murmured and turned back to fixing her drink. There was silence for a few short moments before Dawn spoke up again.

“Is Spike okay?”

She tensed at his name once again but forced herself to relax and turned back to her sister, sure she was blushing.

“I think so. We both… it’s been hard, the last few days.”

Dawn nodded and sank her gaze to the counter, tracing patterns in the tile.

“Maybe you should go visit him after school tomorrow,” Buffy suggested quietly and Dawn’s gaze snapped up to hers.

“You don’t like me going round there,” she remarked with a frown.

“Well, this is…different. You could, you know, check on him.”

“Why don’t you check on him if you’re so worried about him?” Dawn countered and Buffy froze, unsure what to say in answer. Luckily she was saved by the boiling of the kettle and she quickly turned away to fix the drinks, hoping to get away without answering.

“Buffy,” Dawn murmured, and she stiffened ever so slightly, “Did your opinion about Spike change at all these last couple of days?”



She was silent for a long pause and then she forced herself to turn back to her sister.

“Things were different lately,” she admitted, “I… We got on well. But now we have to face all that past again and… well, it’s complicated, Dawnie. I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

“You stuck up for him in front of Xander.”

“I know.”

“Would you do it again?”

She paused for a second and then gave a shaky nod.

“I think I would. Spike… he’s not dangerous and he’s…he’s not a monster. Not anymore.”

Seemingly satisfied, Dawn nodded and gave her a small smile.

“I’m going to bed. Night, Buffy.”

She quickly left the room, leaving Buffy alone with her thoughts and, in particular, her memories from the last few days. How on earth was she going to fix this? With a sigh, she rested her elbows on the worktop and sank her head in her hands.