I Remember You

Summary: Songfic set after Chosen/Not Fade Away. The blonde woman walks the beach alone, as the sunsets over the ocean.

Song is in parenthesis because italics didn't work

Disclaimer: I do not profess to owning anything, not even the computer this is written on. The song belongs to Skid Row. Buffy, Spike, Angel and all the others belong to the genius that is Joss and Mutant Enemy.

Distribution: Want, Take, Have just remember to ask first.


(Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Wind would whisper and I’d think of you)

The sunsets over the cerulean waters of the Italian beach, as she walks silently along the edge of the crashing waves. Her toes make squishing sounds as they sink into the moist, white sands.

(And all the tears you cried that called my name
And when you needed me I came through)

She always walks alone, never letting anyone in anymore. Her sister is off at school. Everyone else she cares for has taken off for places all over the world. She walks a lonely beach. She doesn’t walk it every evening, but most people have seen the sad, little, golden haired beauty more than a few times, as she walks along the edge of the water. Some believe her to be hunting her lost love. But they’ll never know how close to the truth they really are. Tonight her hair flies loose in the slight breeze, as the regular vendors watch silently as she walks by their businesses.

(I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see)

This evening she looks out over the swelling waves of the sea, a continent away from the home she’d known only a year ago. She seems to be in contemplation. The vendors look away to take care of the business at hand.

Buffy silently contemplates all of the relationships she’s been in and how they all had failed.

(I’d stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me)

Her gaze is focused in the past. She doesn’t seem to notice anything else, but the pain she puts herself through every time she’s in this mood.

Her sight becomes blurred as she remembers. The tall, dark and handsome man that had found her in the alley she’d been walking through when she’d first come to Sunnydale. A small smile comes to her face.

It seems longer than eight years ago. Angel – He’d been her dark knight. Well at first he’d just been a total pain in the ass that would pop up every once in a while to offer a cryptic message. Then he’d turned into the man of her dreams, the man she’d wanted to be with for the rest of her life. Funny how things can change in a blink of an eye though, one moment he’d been her sweet, cuddly, vampy love, and in the next a cold blooded killer. Angelus had been her worst nightmare come true. She’d sent him to hell with the thrust of a sword. She thought she’d never see her first love again. Somehow, in a miraculous twist of fate he’d been returned to her. The only problem being that when it was over he’d left her yet again.

(Remember yesterday –Walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand –I remember you

Through the sleepless nights and every endless day

I’d wanna hear you say –I remember you)

As her sight focuses she leans her head to the side, and lets out a little ironic sounding sigh. She should’ve known first loves are just that first, usually in a long line of firsts. They never stay. A souled vampire and a slayer, they hadn’t been destined to be together. Hell they were supposed to be killing each other. They’d been one hell of an unbeatable team in the few short years they’d had together. Until, he’d come up with his stupid vampiric logic that she needed to have a normal life with a normal boyfriend. The only flaw in that was that she wasn’t and still isn’t a normal girl, and couldn’t have a normal life no matter how hard she tried. Her snort floats loudly out over the sea at the realization.

(We spend the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this)

Her memories shift to the biggest mistake she’d ever made, and she clenches her tiny, fists at her sides.

Parker –The big, poophead. Okay so the Willowism makes her giggle. She just can’t believe that she’d been so gullible back then. She’d fallen for his every word. The game he played was hurtful, yes. And he’d played her like a fiddle.

A smile brightens her face, as she remembers the payback for it.

She’d gone 1,000,000 B.C. on his ass, with a big, old stick right over the head. Her mind wonders on not wanting to dwell to long on Porker.

(You said I love you babe without a sound
I said I’d give my life for just one kiss

I’d live for your smile and die for your kiss)

Riley –He was supposed to have been her Joe Normal. Tall, dark, he’d been Angel with a heartbeat and without the allergy to the sun. He was a sweet, soldier boy from Iowa. Although she hadn’t known he was a soldier when they’d met. He’d have done anything for her. She thought for the longest time she loved him, and remembers telling him that he had her mind, body, and soul. The only thing he really wanted she couldn’t give. Her heart. It had belonged to another then, and it belongs to another now. He’d never had a chance where her heart was concerned. She hates that it ended up like that, but what could a slayer do?

(Remember yesterday –Walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand –I remember you

Through the sleepless nights and every endless day

I’d wanna hear you say –I remember you )

When her heart wasn’t in the bargain, she thought without a doubt that she’d loved him. Now that she has time to look at it for what it was, she realizes that he’d just been a replacement for the one guy she could never have again. What really makes her see red though is that she’d been too blind to notice it, when everyone else could see it plain as the day.

Xander had gotten it right that night in the warehouse. He’d said, “They were Imploding.” Yeah they’d imploded, exploded and torn each other apart because of her blindness. He’d left with the Initiative, and found someone who could give every bit of herself to him. Buffy had been happy for him. Glad that there’d been someone that could give him that. At least one story got the happy ending.

(We’ve had our share of hard times
But that’s the price we paid)

Her mind leads her to her one true regret. Where to begin with that one she doesn’t know, and really doesn’t want to go there. But where the mind leads she must follow.

Spike –Her head drops forlornly to her chest, as tears fall fervently down her face, and she holds her eyes shut tightly at the pain of the memories flooding her.

Spike had been her rock, the one person she could count on implicitly. The one person that could annoy her one moment, then in the next show her that he loved her.

(And through it all we kept the promise that we made I swear you’ll never be lonely )

Her sun-kissed hair falls gently over her tear stained cheeks as she starts to tremble, and comes to a stumbling stop. Her legs seem to turn to Jell-O and she finds herself on her knees at the edge of the water. Her gaze slowly rises to the darkening sky. It’s getting close to the time, their time. Her heart clenches tightly in her chest. She has to gasp for air, as she remembers him.

(Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you)

Who would've ever known the man Spike had turned out to be? She sure as hell hadn’t. She’d been his everything. All he’d dreamed of and loved. He’d changed every bit of himself for her.

She had loved him. She sure as hell wishes she’d told him a little sooner, than at the last minute. His denial of it had been the nail that closed the coffin on her heart. At that exact moment she’d sworn to herself that she’d never let her heart be broken again.

Her mind takes her back to that moment. The moment when their hands had come together in a blinding flame. She’d felt their souls connect. She’d played the scene over and over in her mind and couldn’t figure out how on earth he’d denied her. She’d felt all of the love he held for her, couldn’t he feel the same from her?

(But nothing else could ever take you away Cause you’ll always be my dream come true)

She’d given him her trust so many times she couldn’t count them.

“I know I’m a monster, but you treat me like a man, and that’s…” He’d never finished his little speech to her, as she’d looked down upon him from her perch on the top step of the stairs. The memory of that day flashes quickly and painfully through her mind, and she smiles a sad half-smile at it. That night she’d trusted him with the life of her not-so-much sister. He’d come through, the best he could’ve. After the last battle Xander and Willow had told her what he’d gone through to make his promise to her good. They’d given her the blow by blow of their savior Spike through that summer. She smiles a full smile at the savior part. As badly as they’d treated him they acknowledged what he’d done for all of them in the end. She slowly, shakes her head.

She’d given him her body. “Is this a new rug?” She’d asked him once after one of their Olympic sex-athons. He’d looked at her in wonderment, with all the love he possessed for her in his beautiful, blue eyes. Then his gaze turned to confusion. “Uh, no. It just looks different when you’re under it.” They’d laughed, and he’d asked if they were having a conversation. She’d of course come up with some lame excuse. But as she looks back on the memory they’d had the beginning of an actual conversation before she’d fled in haste. She’d been trying not to let him in anymore than she already had, but somehow he always managed to get a little deeper.

(Oh my darling –I love you)

He’d come back with a soul and she didn’t know what to make of him. Hell when she’d found him in the school basement she had no idea what had happened to him. He was all-insane with the grungy, but sexy hair. She admits that he’d scared her. “I tried to get it out.” The words echo loudly around her head.

The next time she’d seen him, he’d been acting more like her Spike. Then he’d stabbed the demon worm thing, just as Anya had removed the curse, and went all crazy again. She’d followed him, of course. She couldn’t have an insane vampire running loose all over town. The old church she’d found him in was kind of spooky, but she’d ventured in anyway. A cold shiver runs down her body at the thought of the place.

He’d jumped out of the shadows at her, and amongst all of the insane-o rambling told her exactly what he’d done to himself. She’d run from him. She had always ran.

“Why must a man do what he mustn’t?” He’d ask her. The tears that had almost dried renew themselves, as she glances away from the crashing waves at her knees. “For her, to be hers.” She whispers in answer. “To be hers.”

Two days before the final battle she’d realized what her heart had been telling her all along. She was and still is in love with him.

Her shoulders are shaking violently; as her mind slips into the last man she’d torn apart.

The Immortal –He’d been fun and exciting. He’d taken her places she’d never had known of. He wasn’t a man exactly, but he hadn’t been a monster, at least she didn’t think he’d been. He’d been just what she’d needed after her whole world had fallen apart.

Tomas had fallen hard for her. He’d wanted her to be his for all time, and asked for her hand in marriage. He’d arranged everything to be perfect and it had been, but she couldn’t marry someone she didn’t love. Her heart wasn’t his and she couldn’t do that to another man. She’d turned him down to Dawn and Andrew’s relief for some reason. They’d gone their separate ways not long after that.

(Remember yesterday –Walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand –I remember you)

Her hand plays idly in the wet sand, as the darkness completes itself, and her scattered thoughts return to a bleach blonde, blue-eyed vampire, that had stolen her heart. A few final tears roll gently down her cheeks. She looks up to the moonlit sky. “I remember you, Spike. As long as I live you’ll not be forgotten.” She gently says into the soft breeze coming off of the ocean. She climbs to her feet to make the trek back to her lonely apartment.

(Through every sleepless night and every endless day
I’d wanna hear you say –I remember you)

“Glad to hear it, Pet.” She hears on the wind behind her.

She’d played this scene in her dreams god only knew how many times. She knows if she turns around he isn’t going to be there.

That’s how it always goes. Her mind likes playing completely hurtful tricks on her.

She slowly turns, anyway. Hoping against hope that this time it won’t be like that.

“But, I’m standin’ right here.”

As many times as she can remember he’d never said anything other than “Glad to hear it,” or something similar. This had not happened ever before.

Her body finally gets itself turned around. Her chin rests on her chest, with her hair covering her eyes. The wind blows the hair away, and she sees a pair of black boots on the sand, looking for the entire world like they really shouldn’t be on that pristine stretch of beach. Her eyes slowly follow a path up long; legs covered in black denim, to black leather, and a tight, black t-shirt stretched painfully over a well-muscled chest. Finally she gets up the courage to let her gaze come up to a perfect chin, and lips. She sighs in disappointment. “I must’ve fallen asleep on the beach. Cause there’s no way that this could be real.” She mumbles.

“Pet, believe me. This is as real as it can get,” He answers with a lilted English accent, as her eyes come to rest in his very real blue orbs.

“Hello, Buffy.” His hands are stuffed firmly in the pockets of the duster, and a smile that reaches his eyes is plastered cheerfully across his razors edge features.

She tentatively reaches a hand out to touch him, hoping against all hope that he’s there and solid.

She can’t bring herself to do it. She stands there with her hand in front of him, hovering in the air. She can’t make him disappear. If she touches him, she just knows he’s going to go poof.

His smile falters slightly, but remains intact at her reaction.

Seems she can’t bring herself to make first contact, so he makes it for her. His hand slowly comes up to caress her cheek, and settle firmly on her shoulder. He watches as tears form in her eyes, and spill down her already wet, and stained face.

She drags him down with her as her knees give out. “He’s real. OH! GOD! He’s real.” She sobs out, and grasps him tightly around the waist in relief.

“Buffy, Luv.” His own tears water and glisten in his eyes. “Don’t cry. You should’ve figured out by now, that I’m not gonna go away from you forever. I’ll always find a way back to you.”

She knows that she has to be dreaming. There’s absolutely no other explanation. “You’re a dream.” She denies him, as she backs away from him on her knees. “And when I wake up you’ll be gone, and then, and then…” She falls face first into the sand, sobbing and crying. “It’s not fair,” she shouts. “I love you, and I can’t tell you, because you’re gone, and…” Her fists grab at the sand, tearing it up in handfuls, and leaving holes that are filling up with water.

At her words he’d fallen back on his palms. He’d been struck hard by her omission and couldn’t fathom anything.

Now he must be the one dreaming, because there’s no way Buffy would admit that in reality. Well that one time, but that was… Wasn’t it?”

When Buffy sees his reaction and the stricken look upon his face, she comes closer to him, wrapping her arms firmly around him, and she lays her head on his chest. He’s really there. She finally realizes. “This isn’t a dream, is it? God, please don't let me wake up if it is," she whispers whole-heartedly against his very solid and unyielding chest.

“Sure feels like one, Pet.” He sighs as he takes in the scent of her golden tresses.

At his in drawn breath, she realizes that it couldn't possibly be a dream, because no dream could ever be this real.

“It’s not. I promise. It isn’t”

“Good, cause I’ve waited too bloody long to hear you say those words, to have this all be a dream.” He smiles against her head. “And if it means anything. I love you, Buffy.”

As the waves crash on the shore, they sit arms wrapped securely around each other. They sat at the water line talking about the last years events, and kissing when ever there had been a lull in conversation, until the sun had threatened to rise, and they had to head to her apartment, for fear of Spike’s sun allergy.

(Love letters in the sand –I remember you)

The End….