Chapter 18

Buffy swiped angrily at the tears sliding down her cheeks as she stalked through the cemetery. It was still light out, so she didn’t have to worry about Spike pursuing her. Despite his desperate pleas for her to hear him out, she’d left him stranded in his crypt, knowing he wouldn’t be able to follow. She couldn’t bear to be with him for even a second longer, and she could not let him see her cry.

Why did this always happen to her? Why did every guy she slept with turn out to be evil afterwards? Although, technically, Spike was already evil, but she’d let herself trust him, accepted his comfort, given him her heart… only to find out afterwards that he’d lied to her, that all along he’d known everything and had let her go on in ignorance, perpetuating his cruel charade of helping her. It was a small comfort to know that her trauma had come from someone else, but right now any relief she might have felt was overshadowed by Spike’s betrayal.

God, I was an idiot. All that ‘feel like we’ve done this before’ bullshit. How stupid could I be? And he just played along and never said a word –

She dropped to her knees and vomited on the grass. Resting her forehead against a gravestone, she couldn’t help remembering when Spike had come upon her in this very position. After all these weeks, all the strides she’d made in her recovery, she was right back where she’d started.

A broken sob escaped her, but suddenly anger flared up, and she tore the gravestone out of the ground and threw it across the cemetery with an anguished cry, feeling a small sense of release as it shattered against a crypt wall. She wanted to hit something, wanted to beat up demons until she was too worn out to lift her arms. But it was still too early for vampires to be out, so she pounded her fists into the wall until the cement was cracked and crumbling.

*****

Willow was waiting when she finally made it back to the dorm. “Buffy, what happened?” she cried, leaping off her bed as soon as Buffy came through the door. “Riley said you were upset about something and ran off – what…” She trailed off, catching sight of Buffy’s tear-stained face and vacant expression. “Buffy? Buffy, what’s wrong?”

Without responding, Buffy leaned back against the closed door as though she needed its support to stand, staring sightlessly across the room.

“Buffy, did something happen?” Willow persisted, getting more and more panicky with every second that Buffy didn’t speak. “Oh, God – is someone dead?”

She managed to shake her head at that, bringing her trembling hands up to run them through her hair, allowing Willow to glimpse her bruised and bloodied knuckles.

“Was there a fight?” she asked, grasping Buffy’s hands to take a closer look. “Buffy, please, talk to me.”

“Spike,” she finally whispered. “He lied to me, Will. He – he lied about everything.”

Willow’s eyes widened with sudden comprehension. “Oh, God. Oh, Buffy,” she said sympathetically, her heart breaking for her friend as she pulled Buffy into her arms. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”

Buffy lost it then, falling to the floor and dragging Willow with her, seized with uncontrollable sobs. Her small frame heaved and shuddered with the force of her grief, shaking within Willow’s embrace.

Once Buffy had cried herself out, Willow gently helped her into her pajamas and tucked her into bed.

“Will?” she asked plaintively. “Could you… stay with me?”

Willow nodded, and Buffy slid over to make room for her in the narrow twin. Pulling Buffy’s head down on her shoulder, Willow stroked her hair and murmured soothing reassurances until she finally drifted off to sleep.

*****

When Buffy awoke the next morning, she couldn’t figure out why she was so stiff and achy all over, or why she was huddled on the edge of the bed against the wall. She shifted slightly, bumping into Willow’s slumbering form, and it dislodged all the painful memories she’d been suppressing while she slept. She let out an audible gasp, startling Willow from her sleep.

“I didn’t mean to lose the caterpillars,” she mumbled. “Oh! Buffy… you’re… hi.” Once she got over her own confusion, she asked, “So, um, how are you feeling?”

“Like the floor just dropped out from under me.”

“Aww, Buffy…” Willow made her sympathetic frowny face again. “We could go down to the Rocket Café and get pancakes,” she suggested, remembering how giddy and happy Buffy had been the last time they’d done that, back when her relationship with Riley was new and things were looking up. “Pancakes make everything better, right? All the syrupy goodness, and – and they’re stackable –”

“No, I’m – I’m okay,” Buffy said. “I just… He lied to me, and he broke my heart, and it’s over.” She said the words almost as though she were trying to convince herself. “I’m not – I can’t cry over this anymore. I just have to accept that Spike’s not… who I thought he was.”

“Look, you don’t have to –”

“No, I do, Will. I need to – I need to be strong. There’s still another rapist out there, and I’m gonna find out who it is. This thing with Spike, it’s just a – a distraction.”

Willow blinked. “What? I thought… last night you said…”

“It’s… complicated,” Buffy admitted, as she proceeded to fill her in on what Spike had confessed about the night of the party.

“And you believe him when he says it’s consensual?” Willow asked when she was finished.

“I have to. If I don’t, I…” She shook her head. “I couldn’t bear it. I can’t – I can’t even think about that, not after everything we…” She covered her mouth with her hand, looking for a moment like she might cry again. But then she took a deep, calming breath, steadying herself, and the moment passed. “I can do this.”

Despite her insistence on being strong, Buffy still found herself with a lot of tension and aggression she needed to work off, so she made her way to the campus fitness center first thing that morning. With her hands wrapped up to keep her from ripping her knuckles to shreds again, she set upon one of the punching bags and began to whale on it, taking out all of her fury and frustration.

She was beyond caring about appearances, didn’t even bother to conceal her abnormal strength in the presence of her fellow students. She unleashed her full slayer power, fueled by rage and pain and betrayal, hitting the bag with such force that she knocked it clear off the chain and sent it sailing several feet until it bounced off the wall.

“Wow, you’re really strong.”

Buffy spun around to see Cindy Pritchard standing off to the side, clearly hesitant to approach her. “Yeah, it’s, um… I work out a lot. I’ll totally pay for that,” she added hurriedly, glancing at the broken punching bag with dismay.

“I… really don’t care,” Cindy replied with a nervous laugh. “Listen, um, the reason I came over is… there’s no easy way to say this, but I’ve heard some things, you know, about you… about that party…”

“What, and you believe everything you hear?” Buffy snapped. Tearing angrily at the dressings on her hands, she started to stalk away, but Cindy caught her by the arm.

“There’s a support group on campus,” she said quietly, holding out a slip of paper with a place and time written in loopy script. “If you’re interested.”

Taken aback, Buffy stared at the paper for a long moment before raising her eyes to Cindy’s face. “I – I didn’t – I thought –”

“What? You thought I was a slut? That I caught an STD sleeping around?”

Buffy dropped her gaze shamefully.

“It’s okay. It’s easier to let people believe that than to tell them the truth.” She showed no sign of being offended by Buffy’s judgment, and leaned in confidentially, lowering her voice. “The truth is, I was raped by four Pi Sig brothers as part of a hazing stunt.” Holding out the piece of paper again, she gave a disinterested shrug that belied her tragic admission. “Anyway, we’re here, if you wanna stop by.”

This time, Buffy took the slip, too thunderstruck to respond. Cindy glanced behind them at the punching bag, and then back at Buffy. “It gets easier,” she said, taking a step backwards as she started to walk away. “I’ll see you around.”

With a small wave, she turned and left Buffy standing in the midst of the training room, contemplating this startling revelation.

*****

Fuck.

He’d really done it this time. Buggered things up but good.

God, I’m an idiot. Should’ve told her right from the start. Should’ve been honest that day, when she came to the crypt, and then… yeah, would’ve gotten staked without a second thought.

Not that he didn’t think he deserved it right now.

He’d thought he felt as guilty as a soulless vampire could feel, hiding this from her for all those weeks, the inner struggle amplifying the more he fell for her. But the longer he let it go on, he only got trapped deeper in his web of deception. He knew she’d be furious if she found out, would probably never speak to him again, and as they started to grow closer, as she learned to trust him, as he began to love her, it became impossible for him to bear the thought of losing her.

So, he had been selfish, thinking he could have her, could love her, without paying the price. But all of the guilt and all of the shame he’d carried these long weeks was nothing compared to what he felt now. The look of sheer betrayal in her eyes haunted him, burned into his memory. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her pressing the shirt into his chest, beneath the fury silently begging him to tell her something else, anything, any explanation but the one she already knew in her heart was true. Over and over, he saw her face falling as he was unable to deny it, her mouth contorting in pain and regret just before the fists started flying.

The violence was easy to take. He’d been getting beaten up by the Slayer for years. But that look. That look slew him better than any stake.

He wanted to go to her. He wanted to explain, to profess his love and swear on his own grave that he never intended to hurt her.

But every time he thought about seeking her out, he closed his eyes and saw that look.

*****

“Hey, Buffy! Wait up!”

She turned to see Riley jogging across the quad, and it was just another in a crushing series of déjà vu moments, reminding her of how things used to be, before the rape, before she’d gotten involved with Spike. Maybe she’d been wrong, and Riley was really the good guy after all. Maybe she’d been foolish to let things deteriorate between them. Maybe if Spike hadn’t been around…

She slowed to let him catch up to her, exchanging hellos with a tight smile.

Riley shifted nervously, reluctant to broach the subject. “So, you, uh, find out who that shirt belonged to?”

“Yeah, uh… it was Spike’s.” At Riley’s dark look, she quickly added, “But – but he didn’t… that is, it was… consensual.” She cringed as she said it, realizing what she was admitting to. Why was she bothering to defend Spike anyway?

“Consensual?” Riley repeated, obviously pissed. “So – so you agreed to have sex with a vampire? You agreed to cheat on me? All that talk about rape –”

“It wasn’t like that. I wasn’t thinking straight…”

“Yeah, I’ll say. I can’t believe you let that… thing touch you!”

“He’s not a thing, Riley! He’s a person – the only person who’s been there for me through this whole mess.” No matter how angry she was at him, she couldn’t deny how much Spike had helped her get through those first awful weeks.

“Yeah, because he caused it,” Riley retorted. “You ever think about that while you’re making excuses for him? You never would’ve suffered at all if he hadn’t put his filthy paws on you.” Buffy looked away, unable to respond. “I tried, Buffy. I tried to be understanding, tried to be there for you, but every time I looked at you, all I could see is you fucking him!”

At his words, she suddenly turned cold. “What did you say?”

Riley’s eyes widened, realizing he’d slipped up. “Buffy –”

“No.” Buffy shook her head. “You just said… You knew about Spike, before I told you.” Her shocked gaze met his. “All this time, you knew who it was. How?”