Chapter Eight: Something That Will Not Let Go

Buffy sat at the edge of the couch, buttoning up her blouse. On the other end of the couch, William put his shirt back on.

Don't say anything. Please, please don't say anything, Buffy thought.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," William said softly.

Damn.

"It's okay," she lied.

"No, it was....I'd never...before, so I know it wasn't good..."

Wasn't good? Parker had been better.

Buffy refused to turn around. She didn't want to look at him after that awkward mess of awkwardness. "No, it's fine, William."

"Perhaps it's best if I leave now," William said.

Yes. Yes, leaving would be good. I need some alone time with my showerhead now.

"Yeah," she replied.

She felt the weight on the couch shift as William stood, but her gaze remained focused on the floor until she heard her front door open and close. She sighed. Well, that had been a disaster.

***

William paced back and forth in his small cubby. He'd gotten little rest after having retired to his own room after his disastrous encounter with Buffy. In fact, it was now morning, and Mr. Giles would be expecting him to meet up for his transcription duties.

He shook his head. His duties could wait. He'd performed horribly with Buffy and had embarrassed himself. A part of him wanted to throw a tantrum at his own failure.

However, that part was winding down, and now he was trying to figure out how to fix things. Because he couldn't let this be the end of his relationship with Buffy. They had grown too close, and his feelings were too strong to discard on the basis of one night's fumbling encounter.

He grimaced as images of the night before flashed in his mind. She hadn't been satisfied. Xander had said that women found the act pleasurable, but Buffy hadn't. Of course, it hadn't lasted very long. She'd seemed surprised when it was over.

He stopped in his pacing, closing his eyes to try to erase that particular memory from his mind. Unfortunately, it seemed insistent on staying there to taunt him with his inadequacies.

Obviously, William was just unknowledgeable as to how to make sure a woman received pleasure from the act. He would have to do whatever was necessary to make amends and then go to Buffy with a proper apology for what had happened.

He was determined to make this better.

***

"So what language are these in?" Dawn held the scrolls up to the light, inspecting the fragile parchment they were written on.

Willow quickly grabbed them from her. "Sumerian. I've been working on translating them since Buffy handed the scrolls over to me."

They were in one of the many libraries in the castle. Dawn had volunteered to help Willow, though she hadn't done much actual work. Not that Willow was resentful of all the interruptions or anything. No, no. She loved it when people interrupted her in the middle of translations. It was, like, fun.

Dawn sank down in her seat, folding her arms on the table and putting her head on top of them. "Was Buffy with William when she dropped them off?"

"Yeah," Willow said. She was trying to focus on the translation program she had pulled up on her laptop.

Dawn was blessedly silent for a few minutes. Then she decided to talk again. "I think she and William have hooked up."

Willow's fingers faltered on the keyboard at that. "I dunno, Dawnie. William's not exactly Buffy's type. He's kinda..."

"Human?"

"Yeah."

Dawn's shoulders rose a bit in what Willow guessed was a shrug. "Yeah," Dawn agreed. "But it's still Spike's body, and we know Buffy likes that."

"Dawn!" Willow said. She didn't want to think about Buffy and Spike and their whole ultra-destructive sex-bunnies relationship they'd had that one year. And she especially didn't want to think about Buffy and William making with the loving. That was just weird.

As Willow frantically tried to clear her head of the mental images that were popping up, Buffy walked in. Willow sighed. Great timing.

"So," Buffy said as she sat down across from Willow and Dawn. "Found out anything?"

Willow paused in her typing, inspecting her friend. Buffy didn't seem like she'd just had sex. Girls could tell. Buffy wasn't all glowy or anything. She looked kinda nervous instead and fidgety. Dawn was wrong. Way, way wrong.

"Still working on it, Buff," Willow said.

Dawn raised her head. "Yeah, hopefully we'll figure this out by the end of the day."

Willow resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Dawn hadn't been doing anything to help. Why was she even bothering with giving a status report?

"Did Amelia want some money?" Dawn asked.

Buffy shook her head. "No. She just started spouting off seer advice to me. It was kinda weird." Buffy paused, staring past the table. "I thought it was stupid advice. Then I thought it was good. But now I'm not so sure." Buffy snapped out of her daze, shaking her head. "Crazy old seer."

"Actually," Willow said. "She probably gave some good advice, you know. She did help the Guardians, after all."

"Huh what?"

"You know. The Guardians? The ladies who watched the Watchers?"

Buffy waved a hand. "I know that. But the last of them was killed by Caleb. She's not a Guardian."

"Oh, no. No, she's not a Guardian. But she helped them and had connections to them. She's pretty invested in the Slayers, you know, having served them her entire life."

"Oh," Buffy said, looking suddenly contrite. "Well, she came off...kinda...cranky, you know. And rude. Cranky and rude."

Dawn laughed. "She's like a bazillion years old. People stop caring about being polite when they're that age."

Buffy just nodded, doing that thing where she stared past the table again. She stood up finally. "Well, let me know when you've discovered something."

And then she left before Willow could say anything. Willow looked at Dawn, who put her head down on her arms again.

"She and William totally did it," Dawn said.

***

"I bring beer!" Xander announced as he entered William's cubby.

William had invited him over the day before, and Xander was determined to take him up on that. He was surprised to see William hunched over his desk, a wide array of books strewn about him. The Victorian glanced up before carefully closing his reading material.

Xander set down the booze. "Whatcha reading?"

Walking over, Xander picked up a book. Lesbian Sex. He looked at the other books on the desk. The Joy of Lesbian Sex, Oral Sex: The Loving Guide to Exciting a Woman, and other books of a similar nature.

Xander's mouth opened, but his voice wasn't quite working. Maybe because his throat had dried up and his tongue had gone numb. It was a typical reaction to seeing "lesbian" and "sex" together.

"Will," he squeaked out. "What?"

"Oh," William adjusted his glasses. "I borrowed them from Kennedy. I felt need to educate myself on how to give pleasure to a woman."

"Kennedy?"

"Well, yes. She is a woman, and a good enough acquaintance for me to ask, yet not so intimate as to be awkward." William looked down at the books. "Though I had no idea that women did this with each other. It's been quite enlightening."

Xander smiled in response, sitting down at the edge of the couch. "Why the sudden interest?"

William stood up, grabbing a beer and joining his friend on the opposite side of the couch. "Purely for my own benefit. No...no particular reason, really."

Xander didn't believe him. But Xander also didn't want to know any more about it.

"Would it be improper to speak to you about my relationship with Buffy?" William asked suddenly.

"What? Yes!" Xander exclaimed on instinct. "Yes, it would be horribly inappropriate and wrong and just really really uncomfortable. So don't."

Mental images were already coming to mind. Images that Xander had already seen live before, and that he'd tried so very hard to forget. He didn't want to think about this guy, who was absolutely not Spike, doing stuff with Buffy like that. Nope. He wouldn't even consider it.

William looked down, looking even smaller than he actually was. "Yes, of course. My apologies. I'm still unclear as to where certain boundaries are in this time."

Xander rubbed at his eyes. He wanted to support his friend. But this? No. Buffy wishes for Spike, gets William, and then starts banging him again? No, he couldn't deal with this. Not right now.

He stood up, "Actually," Xander said. "There's something I need to do. I forgot about it. Doing it. That I needed to do it. So I'm gonna go...get it done."

Xander didn't look back as he left William alone.

As the door closed behind him, Xander closed his eyes, sighing heavily. His legs wanted to move back to his own cubby, but he somehow stayed firmly in place.

He wasn't being fair to the guy. William likely didn't have anybody else to talk to about it. And Xander cringed, remembering his own awkward time with Faith way back in the day.

Xander rolled his eyes at himself before turning and entering William's cubby again, hands up as if in surrender. "Okay! Okay! Let's talk. Just...just leave out the details, okay?"

William had still been sitting on the couch, apparently, and looked up in surprise at Xander's return. He nodded in agreement, though, and waited while Xander took a beer and sat down across from him.

"So, what happened?" Xander said. "Just give me an overall picture. Make it as fuzzy as possible."

"We...that is...Buffy and I, were intimate last night. However, I'm quite certain she wasn't...satisfied with the encounter."

"Did she say that?"

"Well, no, but I left afterward."

Xander gaped. "You left her?"

"It was over very quickly. She asked for me to leave."

Ow. Xander felt a pang of sympathy for the guy on that one. He held back his wince, though and nodded instead. "It looks like you're hitting the books to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Xander," William said. "Do you not think Buffy and I would be a good match?"

Not the right question to ask him. Should he be honest? Or should he be nice? Xander thought about Buffy. Honesty, it was. "Actually, Will, no, I think there couldn't be a worse match."

William flinched noticeably, looking wounded.

Xander continued, though. "She's mourning, Will. She's mourning for a guy that looked just like you. She's confused, and upset, and I think she's holding onto you because you remind her of the guy she lost. But if she didn't have that background with the guy, she wouldn't even look at you twice. Or even once. She wouldn't look at you, is the point."

William looked down, obviously trying to hide the hurt Xander's words caused. There was a long moment's pause where Xander tried to figure out if he should try to say something to take the sting away. William spoke up first though:

"I'm only in her affections through my resemblance to a dead man."

"Vampire," Xander correctly automatically.

"Vampire," William repeated. He looked back up at Xander. "But I love her."

Oh, great. "Then let her go," Xander said.

William shook his head, setting his jaw. "No. I can't give up." He stood and started pacing. "While her initial attraction to me may have been spurred by my having a similar likeness to Spike, I'm certain that I can prove myself worthy of her on my own merits."

"William..."

"No," William said. "I won't hear anymore on this. Spending time with her. Bettering myself for her. This will help her see me as I am, and I dare hope that she'll love me as she was able to so generously love that demon."

Xander frowned when he realized that he wouldn't be able to deter William's persistence in this regard. He stood up as William grabbed another beer.

"I'm sorry, Xander. I have a lot more reading to do before I see Buffy again," William said by way of good-bye.

Xander shook his head. This wasn't going to end well.

***

Buffy nervously arranged some flowers on her coffee table as Willow sat down. Buffy had felt adrift all day. She'd skipped out on all her duties. Not that anybody noticed. It wasn't like she was the most important cog in the Council's wheel. Not now.

The night before with William had left her numb. She'd been riding on such a high, caught up in William and everything that was right about him. And then it had all crashed. Something about it just wasn't right.

It had been late in the evening when Willow had stopped by with news about the scrolls. Buffy wasn't sure if she really wanted to hear the news right now. She'd rather just sleep for the next week or so, and try not to pay attention to anything going on in the world.

"You gonna sit, Buff?" Willow asked.

Buffy nodded, sinking down into the armchair. "So," she sat at the edge of her seat. "What's the what with the scrolls?"

"Well," Willow said. "The amulet was made millennia ago for various uses. However, it had a limited lifespan, which it was at the end of when we got it. It looks like the only reason it did its whole fiery thing is cause of the Hellmouth charging it."

"Charging it? Like a battery?"

"Yeah. You know, like when you jump-start your car. Anyway, that pretty much killed it off. The most power it had left was to grant a wish, which is pretty small in terms of magic."

Buffy sighed. "And so now it's dead."

"Pretty much. But this amulet has kinda an 'undo' function."

"Huh?"

Willow cleared her throat, obviously trying to find the best way to phrase things. "You get one 'undo' on the amulet. It's possible for you to undo your wish."

"Send William back?" Buffy felt numb.

"No. It would undo the wish entirely. This William is a copy of the real William. If you undo the wish, he would disappear. And our memory of him, his time with us, would be gone, too. It'd be just like you never made the wish."

No, she didn't feel numb. She felt sick. She felt her stomach falling, and she wasn't sure as to why. She shook her head. "After I undo it, could I then..."

"No, the amulet's still dead, Buffy." Willow shook her head.

"It would kill him," Buffy said.

There was a long pause before Willow replied. "He's not supposed to be here anyway."

Buffy stood up, mainly to hide how upset this news was making her. "So you think it would be okay to kill him?"

"It wouldn't be killing him. It would just be setting things right. We wouldn't even remember."

Buffy turned. "And you think that's okay? Whatever you call it, he wouldn't be here anymore."

"I think," Willow's mouth hung open as she considered what to say. "I think it's up to you. Your wish. If you want to keep it in place, then do nothing. If you want to reverse it, let me know." Willow stood up, grabbing the files she'd brought with her. "Whatever makes you happiest, Buffy."

Willow left.

Buffy laughed. Whatever made her happiest. William certainly had shaken things up when he'd appeared. She didn't know what to do. Getting rid of William, wiping him from this time, was out of the question. He was here, for better or worse. William was her last link to Spike, after all.

Wouldn't it be tempting, though, to just wipe it all clean? Erase the wish and not have to worry about this whole confusion?

She wanted Spike back with her. Spike. Not William.

The realization hit her like an uber-vamp's punch. She sat down, not really by choice but because her knees wouldn't support her.

Ever since William had appeared, she'd been searching for any tiny hint that he might have Spike in him somewhere. Any small sign. And then...then she'd pounced when she'd seen it. But it wasn't him. No matter what base similarities there were, it still wasn't Spike.

She heard her own choked sob as her tears fell freely. Spike wasn't coming back to her. And, try as she might, she couldn't act like William was him anymore. It wasn't fair to either of them.

Buffy fought down the grief-stricken shudders that were wracking her body. She shook her head. She couldn't accept that. Taking deep breaths, she forced herself to calm down. She had somewhere to go.

***

There was a familiar mustiness to the shop. Somehow, Buffy hadn't been surprised to find that Amelia's store was open at this time of night. As before, it was empty of any other customers. However, this time, Amelia stood at the back, as if she'd been waiting for Buffy's arrival.

Buffy hesitated at the threshold. Now that she was here, she wasn't sure what she was really looking for. She'd taken Amelia's earlier words as encouragement to pursue a relationship with William. Now, however, she wasn't sure what the seer had meant.

"Somebody had a tragedy," Amelia remarked casually.

Buffy inhaled sharply. "About what you said yesterday when I was here -"

"Yes, it made a convenient excuse for you to do what you wanted, anyway, didn't it?"

Buffy shook her head in frustration. "Have you seers ever considered just saying what you mean? Something other than these cryptic statements that us, the mere mortals, have to interpret!"

Amelia smiled, walking forward to stand behind the counter at the register. She looked to be waiting, so Buffy grudgingly approached, standing on the other side.

"I'll only tell you what you already know," Amelia said.

"Which is?"

"Your Spike is gone."

The words twisted Buffy's gut and sent her reeling, but she maintained her composure. "William -"

"William is what Spike was over one hundred years ago," Amelia interrupted. "Give William a demon and wait a century, and then you might have your Spike." Buffy didn't want to respond to that. Responding to it was tantamount to accepting it. "You're not honoring Spike's memory by clinging onto William."

"You don't know the first thing about how I'm honoring Spike's memory!" Buffy spit out, angered at Amelia's presumption.

"Don't I? Withdrawing from your friends, ignoring your duty as a Slayer, chasing after some ghost from the past. Spike didn't die so that you could stay frozen in that moment. He died so you could move on. And while you're moping around about lost love, the world out there is missing the best Slayer it's ever seen."

Protests died in Buffy's throat. She knew it was useless to even try to deny any of what the seer was saying. "I just miss him," she said, aware that her voice was much squeakier than she liked it to be.

Amelia nodded, "To be expected, my dear." She bent down, searching for something behind the counter. "That's why I have a gift for you."

The older woman finally set the nondescript box down on the counter, stepping back for Buffy to take it.

"What is it?" Buffy asked.

"A lasting moment of happiness."

TBC...