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DISCLAIMER: Joss owns the Bloodshedverse and all the weirdos who live there.

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In Chapter 4, Buffy showed off her new Spikebot toy. Not everyone was impressed. *** Warren melted the remote control, which left Andrew and Jonathan with nothing to do with their hands. *** Spike got bored. *** Buffybot brought Spike his lunch and got more instructions. She also talked to the Doris Kroger person and checked out Buffy’s panty drawer.

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Chapter 5 – Lollygagging, Boasting and Buggered



The last rays of the afternoon sun scorched Spike’s face as they walked home to Buffy’s house. It was very strange to be out in the sunlight. The last time he’d been out in the sun, Buffy snatched away his magic ring so fast he hardly got a chance to enjoy the heat and light of daytime. He touched his hair to make sure it wasn’t smoldering. So far, the sun block spray was working, even if it did make him smell like a Nancy Boy.

Buffy held his hand the entire way home after he chased a couple of nasty squirrels and slid his hand across her butt.

“I’m going to have to talk to Warren about some of your programming features,” she said. “Either that or get you a leash.”

“Why is that, luv? I’m devilishly handsome, strong as a Fyarl demon and damn smart. Much smarter than the Superpals.”

“You’re just saying you’re smarter than they are because you had a chance to observe them in action. I’m sure I told Warren not so much with the talking. You’re always talking. Hey, pay attention. Home is this way.”

Spike pulled Buffy along toward the park. “Let’s go on the swings.” He didn’t like it to be known, but after a hard night of kicking a little demon ass and making the world safe for puppies and chuff all, he occasionally took a turn on the swings around two in the morning while the rest of the Big Bads cruised over to the Bronze to catch a late night snack when the bar closed. He held a swing for Buffy and gave her a push.

“Whee!” Buffy said. “I haven’t been on the swings in a long time. Not since the time I killed my mother’s boyfriend who turned out to be a robot. Funny, my mother had a robot boyfriend and I -- do -- not -- have a robot boyfriend.”

Spike got on the swing next to her and kicked the ground to start his own swing in motion. “This is much better in the daytime. I’ve missed the sunshine.”

“What are you talking about? You’re not a real vampire. Some of the things you say make the kind of sense that is not.” She pumped her legs to make the swing go higher. Her hair braid flew back in a shiny golden streak.

“Am, too a real vampire. I’m the Big Bad. And, I’m Evil.”

“Sure you are. You’re almost as evil as the real Spike.”

After a few minutes, Buffy somersaulted off the swings and landed on her feet in the sandbox. “That was fun, Spikebot, but we have to go home. Dawn’s waiting.”

Spike jumped off the swings but made no move to leave. He hadn’t thought about the Platelet. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to be in close proximity to her. She was too clever by half. She might just figure out he wasn’t exactly a sack of hardware parts as claimed.

Buffy grabbed his hand. “Come on. We can’t stay in the playground all day.” She held his hand as they walked the rest of the way home.

“I like holding your hand,” Spike said. “It’s romantic.”

Buffy frowned. “Robots don’t have feelings. You can’t like holding my hand.”

“I have feelings just like the next person.”

Before Buffy could argue further, they arrived home.

“This is our house,” Spike said.

“I suppose you are going to stay here,” she said. She walked into the house.

Spike walked up to the open front door and slammed into the barrier. Tiny Bitch locked him out again this morning. He placed his flattened hand against the invisible barrier. It vibrated, but didn’t let him push his fingers so much as a quarter of an inch past the threshold. “Bollocks.”

Buffy turned around. “What are you doing, Spikebot? Don’t lollygag out on the porch. Come in the house and close the door.”

The barrier dissolved and Spike stepped into the house.

Dawn was sitting on the sofa, eating, doing her homework, watching television with the sound off and listening to the Spice Girls. “Hey, Spike.”

Spike plunked himself down on the sofa next to Dawn and aimed the remote. “Telly Time,” he said. “Dawson’s Creek is on.” He put his feet up on the coffee table.

Buffy pushed his feet off the coffee table and sat down next to Spike. She said nothing when he dropped his arm on the sofa behind her back, so he let his arm fall across her shoulders. She leaned against him.

“This isn’t Spike. It’s my new Spikebot. What do you think?” Buffy said.

Dawn sucked on a spoonful of Rocky Road ice cream that had mysteriously appeared in the freezer. “He looks like Spike. He has the cool hair and the coat and everything. Is he any good at kissing? Say, does he have all the features the Buffybot has? Only, you know, the manly version?”

“Dawn! I got the Spikebot to help me fight Glory and protect you. There are no manly features. I mean no manly features I know about.”

Spike smirked at Buffy’s blatant lie. She’d certainly got a good feel of his manly features this morning when she was straddling him in the workout room. Dawson’s Creek came on the television and he and Buffy watched for a few minutes.

He shouted at the television. “Pacey, you bleeding fool. Don’t do that. You’re going to get caught and she’ll kick your ass.”



Buffy headed for Restfield Cemetery walking fast through the rustling dry grass.

“Where are we going, Bu – er, Slayer?” Spike asked. As if he didn’t know. She was heading right for his crypt for a little more bragging and boasting. He snickered at the thought she was planning on boasting about him to himself.

“I want to show you off to someone. Hurry up.”

He patted his coat for his cigarettes. Did robots smoke? He didn’t think so, but start out as you mean to go on. He tapped a cigarette out of the pack and lit up.

“Why are you smoking?” she asked. “Is that part of your special programming?”

“I smoke Morleys. I’m Evil.”

They arrived at Spike’s crypt. “This is My Crypt,” Spike said.

Buffy banged the door open and walked in. “No, this is Spike’s crypt. You live with me.”

Clem was sitting in Spike’s chair watching a cowboy movie. “Hey, Buffy. Hey, Spike. Making myself comfortable like you said.” He held up a bag of chips and a can of root beer.

“This isn’t Spike. This is a Spike robot.” Buffy marched into the room as if she owned the place. “Where’s Spike?”

“I don’t think I’m a robot.”

Clem fidgeted with his bag of barbeque and tomatillo flavored corn chips. He looked at Buffy, then he looked at Spike. “He, uh, Spike, uh took off for a couple of days. He said I could stay here. Keep anybody else from claiming the place.”

Buffy frowned. “Where did he go? Doesn’t he know I need him? I have a Hell God to fight.”

Clem glanced at Spike for a clue, but got none. “He didn’t say?”

“Great, strike another blow for Male Undependance. If you see him, tell him I’m looking for him.” Buffy pranced over to Spike’s refrigerator. “I’m thirsty. Did he leave me any of those cute little bottles of water?”

While Buffy checked out Spike’s refrigerator for one of those cute little bottles of water he bought for her from Wedgy, Clem said to Spike in a low voice, “Spike, is that you or are you a robot?” Clem pinched his arm.

“Owww! Course it’s me. Shhhh, she’ll hear you.”

Buffy finished her bottle of cold water and tossed it in the corner with the rest of the trash. “Come on, Spikebot. Sun’s down. Places to go, vamps to kill.”

“You don’t have to be so bleeding perky about killing my kind,” Spike said.

“How many times do I have to tell you, you’re not a real vampire?” She banged out of the crypt the way she came in, with Spike at her heels.

Buffy checked her pocket for a scrap of paper she’d torn from the obituary pages of the Sunnydale Sunset. “We’re looking for Jose, the former Stock Person from the Buy*Mart. He died two nights ago from neck punctures. He’s in the next row over.” She walked over to Jose’s gravesite.

The dirt on Jose’s grave humped up, the layer of sod cracked open and his hand broke through. Buffy grabbed his hand and pulled him up. “Here, let me give you a hand.”

“Gracias, nina,” Jose said. He brushed the dirt and grass off his formerly shiny electric blue suit and adjusted his orange, pink and black palm tree tie. “¿Cómo lo hago mire?”

“You look like a flaming poufter, that’s how you look,” Spike said. Spike caught the quizzical look Buffy was giving him. “Vampire, you must die!” Spike whipped a stake out of his coat pocket and stabbed the vampire in the heart with one smooth thrust of his wrist. Jose burst into dust and vanished.

“I didn’t know you speak Italian,” Buffy said.

“Er, yeah. I’m programmed to help the Slayer.” Italian? Was there something in the water in this town?

“You’re a big help. You dusted that vampire touty sweety.” Buffy patted Spike on the back. “Thanks.”

Spike considered how he could take advantage of Buffy’s gratitude. “I need a reward to train my Artificial Intelligence.”

“A reward? Like what?”

Spike plastered Buffy against his body. He kissed her hard and clamped his hands on her firm butt cheeks. He stuck his tongue in her mouth, and to his surprise, she kissed him back and sucked his tongue. As suddenly as she kissed him, she shoved him away.

“What was that all about? Am I going to have to get you reprogrammed?” Buffy flounced away to the next gravesite on her list.

Spike ran after her and smacked her on the butt.

“Hey!” Buffy whirled around. Before she could punch him in the nose, Conchita, the former Night Shift Cashier at the Buy*Mart, popped out of her grave.

Conchita snarled into her vamp face and tapped Buffy on the shoulder. “¿ A donde vas, chica? Deseo aspirer su sangre!”

“She wants to suck your blood, pet,” Spike said. He could empathize. Spike wanted to suck Buffy’s blood, too, and a few other things. He flipped Buffy his stake. She, as usual, did not have her weapon handy, in spite of the lecture he’d given her on that very subject.

“Thanks, you’re a big help.” Buffy clipped Conchita’s jaw with a left hook, punched her a few times and staked her.

“I need another reward since I was a Big Help.”

“No. No more rewards. I’m taking you to Warren to get this Reward Thingie removed.” Buffy fanned her face and plucked at her top, flapping the fabric back and forth to get some air on her chest. “My skin is all hot. Do I look hot to you?”

Spike tucked a finger into the top edge of her blouse and stroked her skin along her collar bone. “I better feel you to make sure.” Spike’s finger wandered down the front of her top and cupped her breast with his fingers. “You’re very hot.”

While Buffy and Spike were occupied, Fred, the former Night Manager of the Buy*Mart, popped out of his grave and staggered forward to his first post death meal.



A mannequin-like figure of a muscular man with blonde hair and wearing black jeans and boots stood in the middle of the basement of the abandoned house on Maypole Street. Warren pulled a black tee shirt over the silent figure’s head and shoved its stiff arms through the holes. He stepped back and admired his handiwork.

“Behold, gentlemen. The Spikebot.”

Andrew and Jonathan walked around the Bot. Andrew stroked the Spikebot’s butt when the others weren’t looking. “He appears sturdy.”

“He’s better than sturdy. He’s going to solve all our financial problems. You can take your hand off his ass now, you homo.” Warren snapped his fingers. “Spike, wake up.”

The bot opened its eyes. Its face crumpled and its fangs descended. “I’m Evil,” it said.

Warren grinned and slapped Spikebot’s shoulder. “Yes, my friend. You certainly are.”



Buffybot walked very fast through the cemetery, her black high heels crunching the gravel walk. Her stop in the basement of the Magic Box to recharge herself took longer than she anticipated and she was late for Killing Evil on an As Needed Basis and Having Sex with Spike. She wanted to Kill Evil as quickly as possible so she could Have Sex with Spike and finish her To Do List. Up ahead, she saw Spike. Other Buffy was sucking his face.

Buffybot skidded to a stop. What was Other Buffy doing? Spike belonged to her and not to Other Much Meaner Buffy.

Then, she saw a vampire with his face all mashed up and his fangs dripping spit, creeping up behind Spike and Other Buffy. Buffybot approached the vampire and tapped him on the shoulder. “Excuse me? Are you Evil?”

The vampire touched his chest. “Me? I’m Fred Hooper, the Night Manager at Buy*Mart. I don’t think I’m Evil.”

“Let me see your teeth.”

Fred opened his mouth and his fangs sprang out. He dabbed his fingers on his mouth. “Hey, what happened to my teeth?”

“Evil! Vampire Cringe in Fear!” She took a stake out of her patrol bag. A couple of panties fluttered to the ground. She kicked the vampire in the butt and staked him through the back. The first time, she got confused and staked the wrong side of his body and he didn’t dust. “Oh! You made me miss! Hold still!”

The vampire twisted around. “Hey, lady! What are you trying to do?”

“I told you to hold still and you didn’t. You’re making this very difficult.” Buffybot pushed Fred Hooper, the Night Manager of the Buy*Mart face down onto the ground. She jerked her stake out of his back and staked the vampire on the other side of his chest. He puffed into dust and drifted away on the wind. “Make mine extra dusty, jocko!”

She tucked her stake back into its pocket in her patrol bag. She started to walk over to greet Spike, but he was still kissing Other Buffy and Other Buffy was still kissing him back. She felt sad. She didn’t think this was correct. Spike was supposed to kiss her and suck her face. “Oh! Why is Other Buffy kissing Spike? Spike is mine. I love Spike. I hope she doesn’t straddle him.”

Other Buffy continued kissing Spike and Spike put his hands on Other Buffy’s butt. Buffybot felt sad again. A tear trickled down her cheek.

“My skin is all hot and my eyes are leaking,” Buffybot said. “Maybe I need to spray my Optically Coupled Isolators with anti-static dust spray?” She reviewed her Maintenance Folder and performed a service check. All her systems seemed to be operational, so she made an entry in her Maintenance Log. “23:47 - I did the slaying, but I didn’t feel satisfied and my Thermal Actuator with Memory Wire Magic felt funny.” She also noted in her Evil Eradicated Database “23:21 – One vampire, Fred Hooper, the Night Manager at Buy*Mart, buggered.”

She closed her Maintenance Log and reviewed her To Do List. She had Killed Evil as Needed and Spike was Having Sex with Other Buffy. Only Go To Spike’s Crypt And Wait In The Basement You Can Sit On The Bed remained on her list. She walked with slow steps to the crypt, let herself in, said hello to Clem and went down the ladder to Spike’s bed.



Buffy headed up the stairs to her bedroom after making sure Spikebot was following. He certainly had a mind of his own. “I’ve got to shower. There’s my room. You can sleep or sit or whatever you do on the comfy chair.”

Buffy poked her head into Dawn’s room. “Hey, Slayer and her sidekick robot have returned to their home planet. Whatcha doing?”

Dawn looked up from the stacks of papers and books that surrounded her on her bed. She pulled off her headphones. “Catching up on my homework. I missed some stuff, you know when I was skipping.”

Buffy sighed. She ought to give Dawn a lecture about skipping school, but if Dawn was actually working on her homework, maybe now wasn’t the time. Buffy found it difficult to reprimand Dawn when she herself hadn’t been all that enthusiastic about school. “Good. Catching up is good.”

“Buffy. I’ve been thinking about school and stuff. I just wanted you to know that I get it, about how important school is and everything and I’m going to buckle down and quit screwing around. I know that’s what Mom would want.”

Buffy felt a pain in her heart. Mom. She’d been so busy fighting evil and working and running around, she’d hardly had a chance to think about her Mom. “I miss Mom, too.”

Dawn nodded. “Yeah.”

“Don’t stay up too late,” Buffy said.

“Oh, Buffy, uh thanks. For, you know, covering for me with the Doris Kroger Beatch and being Mom like and everything.”

“Sure.” Buffy went out and closed the door. “Wow. Something went right in my life.”