DISCLAIMER: Joss owns the characters and the stories and the Spike and the sex and blah blah blah and legal jaron and no money here for the Tart.

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Last chapter in WWHH? Warren took his new robot for a spin and Buffy took her new robot for a spin, or did she? *** Buffybot staked a vampire – Fred Hooper, the Night Manager of the Buy*Mart and came to the end of her To Do List and was very sad. *** Willow and Tara had a night out, but hey its Sunnydale so something had to go wrong. Right?

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Chapter 7 - A Different Coloration or the Seedy Bathrobe


Buffybot sat on the bed in the basement of Spike’s crypt for many minutes, 126 minutes and 13 seconds to be exact, but Spike didn’t come. She got tired of waiting and also lonely so she reviewed her programming for other exciting activities to perform until Spike came back and she could Have Sex with Spike, which was also exciting and still on her To Do List. Sex with Spike was enjoyable and gave her head spins and general tingliness.

She checked her Friends of Buffy Folder. “I wonder if they’re My Friends or Other Buffy’s friends? They must be my friends or they wouldn’t be in my Folder. I like having Friends. Other Buffy must have her own folder.”

Willow …

best friend
gay (1999-present)
witch
good with computers
does magick, always messes up

“Willow is my friend and she’s recently gay. I should go see Willow and let her feel my skin.”

Buffybot took all the panties out of her pink leather patrol bag and arranged them in neat rows on Spike’s bed where he would see them right away when he came home. She slipped the patrol bag on her shoulder and marched to Willow’s dorm room, which her Address Book told her was located at Stevenson Hall, Room 217. When she arrived at the dorm, it was 0313 Pacific Time. She knocked on the door and waited. When there was no answer, she kicked the door down.

Willow jumped out of bed. Her hair was rumpled and she was wearing fuzzy blue pajamas with small yellow fish printed on them. “Buffy? What’s wrong?”

“I feel hot. I did the slaying, but I didn’t feel satisfied.”

“Oh. You’d better come in. What did you slay?”

“Fred Hooper, the Night Manager of the Buy*Mart.”

Willow flicked on a small bedside light and sat down on the bed next to Tara. Buffy sat down on the comfy chair and looked around and recorded everything she saw. “This is Your Room.”

Tara sat up in the bed. Her hair was rumpled, too. Buffybot wished they would comb their hair. If their hair was combed, they could look pretty like she did.

“You killed a human?” Tara said. She got out of bed and touched Buffybot’s shoulder. “That’s terrible. No wonder you don’t feel well. I’m sorry you killed a human. Was it an accident?”

Buffybot focused on her programming.

Tara …

Willow’s lover
gay
witch
Touchy feely
Makes cow eyes
Earth Mother


“You’re a touchy feely Earth Mother.” Buffybot didn’t think she killed any humans. She consulted her Evil Eradicated Database. “2321 Pacific Time – One vampire, Fred Hooper, the Night Manager at Buy*Mart, buggered.”

Willow and Tara sighed with relief. “You scared us,” Willow said. “So, why are you here? It’s kinda late? As in, it’s the middle of the night?”

“Spike told me to Go To Spike’s Crypt And Wait In The Basement You Can Sit On The Bed, but I got tired of waiting, so I decided to visit my Best Friend Willow, and see if you are still recently gay.”

“Hey!” Willow said. “Just because I’m new to being gay, doesn’t mean it’s some kind of whim. And, since when do you do what Spike says?”

Buffybot didn’t understand Willow’s last question. She was programmed to do what Spike said, and she always did what Spike told her to do, except when she did something else. Still, her speech module required her to provide Willow with an answer. “You do magicks. You always mess up.”

“I don’t either always mess up, and you’re not so perfect, Miss Slayier Than Thou.” Willow turned up her nose. Her face looked Angry.

Tara arranged her face in a manner which Buffybot couldn’t interpret.

“Buffy, you seem a little strange tonight,” Tara said. “What’s going on? Why were you waiting at Spike’s crypt?”

“I am supposed to Have Sex With Spike. It’s on my To Do List. Anya instructed me how to play Naughty Nurse.”

Willow snorted. “You’re playing Naughty Nurse with Spike? And, I’m not perfect, so I’m supposed to approve of whatever you do, like sleeping with evil vampires.” Willow crossed her arms over her chest and displayed her I Am Pissed Face. She kicked a piece of white cloth under the bed.

Buffybot’s hard drive whirred. She hadn’t slept with any evil vampires. She didn’t sleep. “I fight evil.”

“Exactly. Which is why you should not have sex with Spike.”

She had had sex with Spike, many times and in many positions. Twenty-seven positions so far. “Is Spike Evil?”

“Don’t go all Philosophy 101 on me, Buffy. You flunked that class. And, for your information, Spike isn’t harmless any more. We saw him robbing the Thank Heaven tonight. He scared Wedgy.

Wedgy … Wedgy … Wedgy … “No, I do not know this Wedgy.”

“Buffy, you do too know him – Wedgy Chalk, the regurgitating frovolax demon who manages the store. Spike’s cousin. And, don’t change the subject. Spike is on a spree and you have to do something,” Willow said.

Tara nodded and made cow eyes.

Buffybot put her hands on either side of her Titanium-Molybdenum Alloy brain case and opened the microflap vents behind her ears to keep her hard drive from overheating. “I don’t know what to do. If Spike is Evil, I should kill him, but I’d rather Have Sex with Spike.”

“You’d better talk to Giles,” Tara said. She bobbled her head up and down. “He’ll know what to do.”



“This is wrong, wrong, wrong,” Buffy said. She snapped the handcuffs closed, securing Spikebot’s hands to her headboard where she could see his wicked fingers at all times. There. That would keep the Spikebot out of mischief.

Spike grinned. “Help me out here, Slayer. I have a hard on and you’ve got the cure.”

Buffy examined the aforementioned hard on. It was very hard. And, large. “No. No curing.”

“Straddle me, baby. It’ll feel good.”

“I’m not straddling you.” She lifted her knee and plopped herself into place right on top of Spikebot’s thing. She should not be doing this no matter how good it felt. It felt very good.

Spikebot rocked his pelvis, which rubbed Buffy exactly the right way. “Invite me in, pet.”

“I’m not inviting you anywhere.” She arched her back so Spikebot would rub her in several other just right ways.

“Fine, come sit on my face.”

Buffy had never sat on anybody’s face in her life and she wasn’t about to start now. Probably. She took his cock in her hand and guided it in. Spikebot’s cock felt good, just like the real thing.

“Does this thing vibrate?”



Buffybot arrived at Giles apartment. She knocked on the door. When no one answered for several minutes she knocked again. She didn’t like waiting, but Willow said she should wait and not kick the door down with her tasteful pointy shoe. “Guy-iles, are you home?”

Giles answered the door. He was wearing a seedy, brown bathrobe and his hair was messy. He squinted at the rising sun. “Buffy? Is there some emergency? It’s five o’clock in the morning.”

Guy-iles

Buffy’s Watcher
Poncey Git
Pompous
Never gets laid

“No, Guy-iles, you Poncey Git. It is 0507 Pacific Time. You’re my Watcher. Tara said you’d know what to do.”

Giles opened the door and let Buffybot into his flat. “I hope this is important. I’m not dressed.”

Buffy looked around Guy-iles apartment to orient her internal mapping system. She observed Guy-iles’ clothing. “Guy-iles, you’re wearing a ratty bathrobe. Is that why you never get laid?”

Giles sighed and went to the kitchen and put a kettle on the stove and turned on the gas. “What’s so important you found it necessary to wake me up at this ungodly hour?”

Buffybot considered Guy-iles’s question. Sometimes Guy-iles was difficult to understand. “I had to wake you up to talk, because you don’t talk while you’re asleep.”

Giles opened the cabinet over the kitchen sink, took out a large bottle of whiskey, poured a generous dollop into his tea cup. He left the bottle on the counter within easy reach. “I’m awake. What are we talking about?”

“Spike. Spike is Evil. If Spike is Evil, I should kill him, but I’d rather Have Sex with Spike. I love him.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand your analogy. I know you aren’t anxious to kill Spike, especially since we may need his assistance to fight Glory. As to your feelings about him, I suppose we’ve all become used to having him skulking about. I don’t see the urgency.”

“Tara and Willow said Spike robbed the Thank Heaven Convenience Food Mart. He scared Wedgy Chalk, the regurgitating frovolax demon who manages the store and Wedgy Chalk regurgitated. Wedgy Chalk is Spike’s cousin.”

Giles swallowed and placed his fingers on his throat. His face looked pale. “He did? That certainly puts a different coloration on matters.”

“What should I do?”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to do your duty.”

Buffybot didn’t like the sound of the word ‘duty.’ She reviewed her Spike instructions. Locate Spike. Protect Spike. Be Nice to Spike. Have Sex with Spike. Yes, performing those items was her duty. She revised her opinion of the word duty. Doing your duty and being Nice to Spike was very pleasant. “Okay, I’ll do my duty.”

“Good, good.” Giles yawned. “Since you’re here, I want to talk to you. Sit down.”

Buffybot perched on the sofa arm. She wanted to be skipping along since she had many things to do, especially now that Giles told her she should Locate Spike, Protect Spike and Be Nice to Spike, even though Spike is Evil, because she should do her duty. Also, she still hadn’t initiated and completed Have Sex with Spike. You should never put off until tomorrow what you want to do today. “What do you want to tell me, Watcher Guy-iles?”

“I want you to stop calling me Guy-iles, for one thing. I know you’re not happy about my plans to return to England, but you don’t need a Watcher. You don’t need my help in training or researching. It’s time I went home.”

Buffybot didn’t understand why Guy-iles was telling her these things or what made him think she wasn’t happy. She was always happy, except when Spike was sucking other Buffy’s face. “I don’t understand you. You’re my Watcher and you’re pompous.”

Guy-iles made a strange face and took a long drink from his tea cup. She should see Warren about upgrading her Face Making Recognition and Interpretation software.

“The Council never anticipated I would be watching you for quite such a long period of time. Most Slayers don’t … most Watchers aren’t needed for more than a year or two before a new Slayer is called and the previous Watcher is retired from active duty and given a research position.”

Buffybot decided Guy-iles was never going to get to the point and if he did she wouldn’t understand what he was talking about, so she stood up. “I’ve got to do my duty.”

Giles rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes, you’ve got a point. We all must do our duty, even if our duty turns out differently from our original intentions or plans. I’ll think about what you said.”

Guy-iles was a very strange man and the things he said were mysterious and incomprehensible. She pranced out of Gile’s flat and headed to the Magic Box to get charged up so she could do her duty at full capacity.



“I should never have let you put these handcuffs on me,” Buffy said. She strained on the cuffs, but couldn’t loosen them without ripping the headboard apart. Her white nurse’s cap was skewed to one side of her head, her lacy white bra made her breasts swell up and her white dress was ripped up the front. She ripped the sheets with the high heels on her pointed white shoes. She’d lost her rubber glove and was pretty certain she did not want to know what happened to it.

Spike lifted his head from between her legs and snapped the garters holding up her white stockings. “Your own fault for not sitting on my face when you had the whip hand.”

Buffy clapped her knees against Spike’s ears. “You talk too much.”



Willow and Tara tossed around their bed for hours without sleeping or speaking until Tara got out of bed. She opened a box that contained her some of her most precious magic artifacts.

“I’m worried about Buffy. Are you worried about Buffy?” Willow said.

Tara removed the midnight blue cover from the crystal ball and placed her hands over the glowing orb. “She was acting really weird tonight. What if she really is sleeping with Spike?”

“Not looking forward to another Buffy Sleeps with Vampire Intervention scene. Been there, done that, got my ear chewed off.”

The orb flashed and presented a blurry vision of Buffy and Spike. Tara gasped and threw the velvet cover over the crystal ball to block out the image. “Ohmigoddess. It’s worse, much worse than I thought.”

“What could be worse than Buffy sleeping with Spike?”

“Buffy getting married to Spike.”



Buffy clicked one side of the handcuffs on her own wrist and one side on Spike’s wrist. “There. You won’t be able to run off while I’m sleeping. I don’t want you getting in any trouble.”

“Don’t have to sleep. We could -- ” He nuzzled her neck. He couldn’t possibly sleep on the best night of his life. He could spend a century lying next to her sniffing her neck and holding her warm, naked body.

“Not everyone has robot stamina, you know.” She curled herself into his arms. “I surrender to a blissful state of exhaustion and post-sexy satisfaction. You’re surprisingly cushy for a machine. Too bad real Spike isn’t more like you. Sweet and lovey and sexy and everything a girl appreciates in a guy.”

Spike wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. If Buffy would only give him a chance, she’d know he was exactly like himself, or the robot who didn’t exist was exactly like … bugger. Had his robot alter ego outstripped him in the romance department? He had to fix up that mistake, but it wouldn’t be easy without blowing his cover. “I am Spike. I am exactly like the Real Spike.”

“I’m sure you think you are, but you’re much nicer. Real Spike is so exasperating sometimes.”

“Like what times?”

“When he’s pulling some trick on me, like he thinks I won’t find out. I always find out. Or, chaining me up in the basement of his crypt, or having sex with the Buffybot or trying to make me jealous with Warren’s skankbot. You’d think he’d learn.”

Bugger twice over. “Maybe he tricks you because he can’t get close to you like a regular bloke.”

“You mean like bring me flowers or ask me out on a date?”

“Yeah, like that.”

“I might change my mind about him if he stopped doing stupid stuff.”

“I – er, Spike could do that. You want to go out on a date? With Real Spike?”

“I’d like to go out on a date with somebody nice who wouldn’t leave town or turn into a monster. It’s lonely being the Slayer. Everybody wants a piece of me, wants me to kill something or avert an apocalypse. Nobody lets be just be a girl.”

“Spike could be nice, if you’d let him. He doesn’t give a bloody damn about apocalypses – sees.”

“You don’t even know Spike.”

“I know he loves you.” He tipped her chin up to look in her eyes. “He loves you very much.”

She blinked her eyes and studied his face. “You’re a very nice robot, Spikebot. I’m glad I got you.” She tucked her head into the hollow of his neck. “Sleep now.”