Last week on WWHH, Dawn caught Spike with some sharp detecting and the toaster. *** Buffy ran around town looking for her robot, but only found her panties and Spike up to no good.
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DISCLAIMER: Joss owns the characters, the show, the scripts, the writing and everything except the fun. Unless he sold the whole bunch to some big film company.
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Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing. Those reviews make author hearts go pitter pat.
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Woo Hoo! WWHH? was nominated for Best Fluffy Spuffy and Best Romance at Spuffy Awards - Thank you Tart Fan!
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Chapter 9 - Dedication, Productivity, Motivation and Cooperation



Charged up and ready for action, Buffybot left the basement of the Magic Box by the sewers and returned home to change outfits and see if Dawn wanted more sandwiches for her school lunch. Dawn wasn’t home, so Buffybot went to her room, which was quite a mess.

Buffybot dug through the pile of Buffy’s clothes on the bedroom floor. She found a red and yellow shirt and matching red pants and a hat with a cow on it. “These are ugly.” She threw them out the window.

The phone next to Buffy’s bed rang. Buffybot loved answering the phone. It was exciting. You never knew who was calling. “I am Buffy. Who are you?”

“Buffy, this is Sarah from the Doublemeat. I really hate to do this to you on your day off, but Sophie and Phillip didn’t show up for work and I need help for the lunch rush. Can you come in at nine this morning?”

Doublemeat Palace
Center and Main Street
Hell hole
Buffy works there.

The intersection of Center and Main Street wasn’t far from 1630 Revello Drive. She could walk there in 2.7 minutes. “I can be at the Hell Hole in 2.7 minutes.”

“Er, thanks Buffy.”

“You’re welcome.” Buffybot hung up the phone. She picked out a black bra, short black leather skirt and a red, silky top and dressed herself. She walked to the Doublemeat, swinging her arms and smiling.

A blonde woman, wearing one of the ugly red and yellow outfits and a cow hat greeted Buffybot. She was wearing a badge that said Sarah Ross - Store Manager. “Thanks for coming in, Buffy. Don’t worry about the uniform, just grab a hat.”

Sarah Store Manager smiled at me, so she must be a friend. Buffybot saved Sarah Store Manager in her Friends of Buffy Folder. “I won’t worry, Sarah Ross - Store Manager. I’m ready to work. What shall I do?”

“You can work the cash register.”

Buffybot put on the cow hat Sarah Ross - Store Manager gave her and stood behind the cash register next to another person wearing an ugly red and yellow outfit and a cow hat. Her badge said “Hi, I’m Marge.”

A man who wasn’t wearing a cow hat or an ugly red and yellow outfit came up to the counter and said to Hi, I’m Marge, “I’d like a Doublemeat burger and a small fries to go.”

Buffybot watched as Hi, I’m Marge pushed some buttons. A drawer in the cash register opened up. It was full of money. Anya likes money. Money must be good.

“That will be $5.86,” Hi, I’m Marge said.

The man handed Hi, I’m Marge some money. She put the man’s money in the cash register and handed him back some bills and coins. Then, she put a round, wrapped-up hunk of something and a container of French fries in a bag and handed it to the man. The man left.

Another man came in. He stepped up to the counter in front of Buffybot. “Hey, cutie. Gimme a Doublemeat.”

Buffybot pushed the Doublemeat button. The cash register showed $2.45. “It says $2.45.”

“Sure does, honey. Here you go.” He handed Buffybot a piece of money that said Ten Dollars on it and a piece of paper that said ‘Doublemeat Coupon Good For One Free Small Coke.’

“What should I do with the Doublemeat Coupon Good For One Free Small Coke, Hi, I’m Marge?” Buffybot said.

“You can call me Marge, smart aleck. Put the coupon in the cash register under the twenties and give the man a coke with his order.” Marge reached over, pushed another button on the cash register and handed the man his change.

Buffybot liked Marge Smart Aleck so she entered Hi I’m Marge You Can Call Me Marge, Smart Aleck in her Friends folder, put the Ten Dollars in her skirt pocket and shoved three round hunks and a couple of containers of fries into a bag. She got the small coke from the soda machine and gave everything to the man. She smiled at the man and the man smiled back. This was fun!

The next person to come to Buffybot’s cash register was an adolescent boy. He needed to wipe his nose. Two other adolescent boys came in the store with him. “Hey lady,” he said, “Sing the Doublemeat song.”

Buffybot considered for a moment. “I don’t know the Doublemeat song. Your nose is snotty.”

The kid sang the song with some schoolyard amendments. “Get the double treat, that's the double sweet, oh it's hard to beat, when the meat meets the street and it smells like your feet. You sing it.”

“Get the double treat, that's the double sweet, oh it's hard to beat, when the meat meets the street and it smells like your feet.” Buffybot sang the song and pressed many buttons on the cash register while she was singing. “That will be $194.38.”

The boys shrieked and giggled and ran out of the store.

Buffybot took $194.38 out of the cash register and put it in her pocket. She decided not to put the singing boy in her Friends Folder since she didn’t know his name and he had a snotty nose. She wished everyone would wear badges like Dr. Ben Mannpflegen and Hi I’m Marge and Sarah Ross - Store Manager. She was glad Dr. Ben Mannpflegen and Hi I’m Marge and Sarah Ross – Store Manager wiped their noses.

She worked at the cash register for many hours and rang up many sales and handed out many greasy round hunks in paper sacks. Also, she gave many people greasy fruit pies in stiff paper cartons. The pies dribbled drops of grease on her hot looking red shirt. She put all the money from the sales in her skirt pocket and put all the coupons in the drawer under the twenties like Hi I’m Marge showed her. By the end of lunch hour, she had placed $453.06 in her skirt pocket and her cash register was full of coupons.

Sarah Ross - Store Manager came up to Buffybot after the lunch hour was over. “Thanks for pitching in, Buffy. Say, can I talk to you in my office?”

Buffybot followed Sarah Ross - Store Manager into her office. She looked around at the posters on the wall of people performing impossible feats of sport activities involving large plastic boards with and without wheels. The posters said Dedication, Productivity, Motivation and Cooperation. Buffybot sat down on a red and yellow plastic chair.

“Buffy, I’ve been watching your work here at the Palace for some time. Let me ask you a question. What is the most important part of working here at the Doublemeat?”

Buffybot looked at the sign hanging over Sarah Ross - Store Manager’s head. “Motivation!”

“Exactly! Productivity and Dedication are important, too.”

“And, Cooperation!”

“Yes. I’m glad you’ve picked up the Four Essential Doublemeat concepts so quickly. You’re a real asset to the Meat Team. That’s why I’ve decided you’ve earned the right to wear this.” Sarah Store Manager handed Buffybot a badge.

“Buffy Summers - Assistant Store Manager,” Buffybot read out loud. She pinned the badge to the front of her shirt. “This is important.”

“It certainly is. Buffy, welcome to the Doublemeat Management Team.”

Sarah Ross - Store Manager held out her hand and Buffybot shook it. “It’s a Double Treat,” Buffybot said.



In the basement of the abandoned house taken over by Warren and his companions, Spikebot sprawled on a bean bag with an electric wire attached to his leg. A red light flashed on and off as he recharged his Dielectric Strength, 500 Volt, 50 Hertz per minute Battery, which was depleted after his strenuous activities in collecting cash from two liquor stores, a Goth leather shop and the Thank Heaven Convenience Food Mart on Center Street. He recorded the talking voices and observed the three humans.

Warren and Whatshisname, who was sometimes called Penis Breath, stood next to the washer playing with bits of green paper. Jonathan was watching many video screens. Spikebot hoped the woman called Rocky the Cave Woman would appear again on the video. He liked Rocky.

Warren counted out the papers acquired from the previous night’s activities. “One for you.” He placed a five dollar bill in Jonathan’s pile. “One-two for you.” He placed two ten dollar bills in Andrew’s pile. “And, one-two-three for me.” He placed three twenties in his own stack.

“Hey, Dork Face. You’re cheating,” Jonathan said. “This is supposed to be an even split.”

Warren stopped counting and dropped several bills on his own stack of money. “How many bots have you designed and built?”

“I could build one,” Jonathan said. “Any time I wanted.”

“Sparky, how many get away cars do you own?”

“None. And, neither do you. The get away car belongs to your mother.”

“That’s right. Your mother owns a Yugo. My mother owns a Lincoln Crown Victoria, which we would not be using if someone had remembered to change the oil in the van. How many robberies did you plan?”

“Jeesh, we drove around and you picked places that still had lights on. Big deal.”

“Nevertheless, my contribution is three times as large as yours, so the split is fair. You got any complaints, Andrew?”

Andrew swallowed hard. “Uh, what about the Spikebot? Shouldn’t he get something?”

“He got the leather coat, didn’t he?” Warren shoved a few more bills on Jonathan’s and Andrew’s money piles and shoved the rest of the wad of bills into his jacket pocket. His left eye wobbled to the wall. His right eye stared at Andrew.

“Yeah. But, he stole it himself. I sorta wanted the coat.” Andrew stroked his hair, then wiped the gel on his pants.

“You haven’t earned a leather coat, Tweako. The Spikebot deserves that coat. He worked for it. He robbed. He growled. He made the scary vampire face. Hey, Spikebot, you awake over there, Buddy?”

Spikebot sat up. “I am fully charged.”

“Hey,” Jonathan said. “How about one of you two take a turn at the monitors. I’m tired of waiting for the Slayer to show up.”

“I have a better idea,” Warren said. “Spikebot, have a seat. Look at the monitors.” He pointed to one of the screens. “See the blonde girl? Her name is Buffy. This monitor is the Doublemeat Palace, where she works. This one shows the Magic Box, where she hangs out with her friends. This is the Bronze where she also hangs out with her friends. And, this one is her house, where she lives. When she’s in any of these monitors, that’s good. When you see her in this monitor, the one that shows what’s in front of this house, you let us know immediately.”

Spikebot nodded. He touched the screen where he saw the blonde girl in the Doublemeat Palace. He consulted his knowledge base. First, he looked in his Friends of Spike folder. It was empty. Then, he looked in his Enemies of Warren folder. He found the blonde girl’s picture.

Buffy Summers

White Hat
Hot looking
Wicked strong
Dangerous
Slayer

“That’s right. That’s the Slayer. She hates vampires like you. She kills them, in fact. Here, get a better look.” Warren clicked the remote and refocused on Buffy’s face.

“Look at you,” Spikebot said to the face on the screen. “You’re pretty.”

“Great,” Warren slapped his hands together and rubbed them. “Who are we going to rob tonight? I think we’ve worked out the kinks. Let’s go for something big. Say, a new get away car and hit the Bronze?”

Spikebot watched the monitor. Buffy Summers ran around the screen handing out round things and smiling. Her blonde hair was tucked up under her hat, which was red and not white, and she was wearing a nice outfit that clung to her body, especially her breasts, which were small, but firm and perky. He liked the clinging. She smiled a lot. Her lips were red and her eyes were sparkly green. She didn’t look dangerous. She looked friendly.

He moved Buffy Summers’s profile from his Enemies of Warren folder to his Friends of Spike folder.



Spike walked over to Doc’s place. He went through the sewers, even though he had half of a can of SPF spray and would have enjoyed a nice walk in the sun, but you could never tell where Buffy might pop up and that damn Doublemeat Palace was only two blocks away from Doc’s hole in the wall. He let himself into Doc’s room with full vampire stealth, for no other reason than to keep in practice, snuck up behind Doc and spoke in his ear.

“What have you got for a black eye, Doc?”

Doc lifted an old volume from his reading table and perched his reading glasses on the end of his nose and leafed through the pages. “Present from your Lady Love, Miss Summers? Or, should I say the future Mrs. Bloody? I have a jar of leeches. Those are helpful.”

“Do you bleeding demons do anything but gossip?” Bloody hell, he’d only slept with her one night and everybody in town was already talking. Not that he hadn’t made a fool of himself over her for months and possibly had made a brag or two over at the Fish Tank one night when he’d had a little too much Jack to drink. “Need a spell or a potion or something. Can’t wait for any sodding leeches.”

“Have a seat, my friend. I believe I have an ointment that will get you back in presentable shape by this evening.” Doc rooted around in his desk drawer.

Spike flopped back on a stuffed chair and stretched out his legs. “Make it quick, Doc. Places to go, kittens to steal.”

Doc opened a small ceramic jar of ointment and patted a tiny amount on Spike’s black eye. “How does that feel?”

Spike yawned. He suddenly felt sleepy.

Doc clapped his hands. “William? Answer me.”

“Mumph,” Spike said. He scrunched further down in the chair, his knees splayed out and his feet resting on the outside of his boots. “Shut up. I’m sleepy, you bleeder.”



Jinx and Dank emerged from a closet behind a beaded curtain. “Have you obtained any useful information yet, Doctor Lizfrenkoutsuzian? We were unable to eavesdrop efficiently from behind your winter clothing.”

Doc waved them away. “I have a few questions, William. Let’s talk about the Slayer.”

“Mumph, Buuffffy. Hot little piece of -- ”

Jinx and Dank nodded their agreement and folded their scabby hands together.

“Yes, I’m certain she is. She’s hiding something. The Key. Glorificus wants the Key and you want to tell me where the Key can be found. Don’t you?”

“Sure, under the flower pot by the front door like every fagging blighter in America.”

Doc sighed. “William, concentrate please. I do not care about the key to the Slayer’s residence. Where can I find the Key that opens the Portal to all the dimensions?”

“Don’t know at the moment. Dawn’s no early riser --” Spike opened his mouth and yawned wide. He faded into sleep and snored.

Doc took a small looking glass off the wall over the fireplace. He held it up to Spike’s face and carefully lifted one of his eyelids. An image of a young girl, with long, brown hair formed in the mirror and disappeared in a flash of green. It was the image of the girl Spike brought around a few months ago when her mother died. Doc waved his hand over the glass to remove the image and returned the mirror to its place on the wall without revealing what he’d found to the two demons.

“Ask him more questions,” Jinx said. “This foolish vampire is not making any sense. Dawn was three hours ago. Her Rampant Radiance is most anxious to find the Key. The appointed time is almost upon us. We must have the Key by tomorrow.”

Doc chewed the pointed end of his tail. “I’m sorry, gentlemen, the potion is about to wear off. I suggest you leave if you wish to avoid the vampire’s wrath. I understand he isn’t particularly friendly to demons these days.”

Dank and Jinx skittered out as Spike stretched his arms and sat up.

“Sorry, Doc. Must have dozed off. How’s the eye?” He patted his face to see if the swelling had gone down. “Feels better.”

“It takes an hour or so to disappear completely. You should be quite healed by sundown.”

“Thanks, Doc. What do I owe you?”

“Oh nothing, but you might mention to the Slayer, I’d appreciate if she didn’t break up my dominos club again. It’s very difficult to find a convenient location.”

Spike swaggered out. “I’ll do that.”

After Spike left, Doc pulled out his Debrett’s Who’s Who of Vampires. “It’s a shame how forgetful I’m becoming in my old age. I know I saw this information just the other day. Let’s see, ‘Slayer, The.’ Ah, there she is. 1630 Revello Drive.”



Warren and Jonathan walked up to the hospital front desk. Warren rapped his knuckles to get the nurse’s attention. Andrew followed slowly, limping and holding his crotch.

“Tell the nurse how you got Jonathan’s magic bone caught on your micro phallus,” Warren said. “Then, you can take off your clothes and everyone in the Emergency Room can see what you did to yourself.” He snorted.

“Do I have to? Can’t they take it off really carefully without looking? Dr. Crusher never made Captain Picard take off his clothes. She gave him air shots and stuff.”

Warren winked at the nurse and filled out the forms. “Here, Andrew, let me help you out. I see you have your hands full.” Warren and Jonathan laughed and snorted some more.

After he finished the forms, Warren checked out the nurse. “I bet you’re a whiz at Naughty Nurse. Maybe you’d like to come over to my house sometime and I can twirl that little white cap for you.”

The nurse pressed her lips together and snatched the papers out of his hand. “Maybe Ralph, our security guard, can introduce the parking lot to your face?” She waved to Ralph, the security guard.

The Trio were escorted to the Emergency Room by Ralph. A doctor wearing blue baggy hospital scrubs took the chart from the nurse and introduced himself.

“Andrew? I’m Dr. Mannpflegen. How did you get a --,” he consulted the nurses’ notes, “Bleaucha Tribal Wishing Stick clamped on your –”

Andrew bent over and groaned. “Owww. Don’t say ‘clamped.’ It was all Jonathan’s fault. He was using it to summon Madonna – not the Die Another Day bull dyke Madonna, but the freaking hot Desperately Seeking Susan Madonna – from the Netherworld and he lost control. Owww. Can you get this thing off me? Now?”

“It was not my fault, you twerp. You shouldn’t have thrown a picture of Ewan McGregor in the summoning circle.”

Dr. Ben showed Andrew to a curtained off bed. “Lie down and let’s take a look. You two can sit in the waiting room.” Ben jerked the curtain shut behind him.

“Let’s sit down,” Jonathan said.

“And miss Andrew screaming and crying like a baby? Not a chance,” Warren said. He took out his miniaturized voice recorder decoder ring so he could memorialize Andrew’s screams for posterity and future amusement.

“This is probably going to hurt,” Dr. Ben said.

Andrew screamed proactively. Then, there was silence and a scuffle, then the voice of a woman.

“Ew! What are you doing you wretched rodent? I don’t want to see your pathetic little meat stick.”

A beautiful, curly-haired blonde woman wearing blue baggy hospital scrubs pulled back the curtain and smiled at Warren and Jonathan. “Have either of you seen my Key?”



Spikebot lurked at the front doors of the Doublemeat Palace. He found the address for the Doublemeat Palace in his database along with a satellite photo. His Global Satellite Positioning software guided him to the front door. He peered in the large plate glass window.

He saw Buffy. She was even prettier in real life than she was on Warren’s video screen. He liked the way her blonde hair bounced around when she walked and the way her lips shined. Her small, but firm breasts bounced and her nipples poked out her blouse, too. He liked that as well. He walked into the store and went up to the counter.

“I love you, Buffy,” he said. He hoped this was the right thing to say. He didn’t have any programming for talking with pretty Buffies.

“Oh, Spike!” Buffy said. She vaulted over the counter and gave Spike a brilliant smile and a big kiss. “I was going to come and look for you as soon as my shift ended and I took off my red shirt with the grease spot. I made money today and look, I got this.” She showed him her Buffy Summers - Assistant Manager badge.

Spikebot admired her badge and touched it. Buffy made him feel warm and happy. He’d never felt warm and happy before, not even when Wedgie Chalk, the regurgitating frovolax demon in the Thank Heaven Convenience Food Mart, gave him money for Warren and Jonathan and Whatshisname/Penis Breath. “You’re my friend. I put you in my Folder.”

Buffybot’s eyes tipped back into her skull for a moment. “Oh! You’re my friend, too! You are already placed in my Friends of Buffy Folder. We are both friends. Also, you are devilishly attractive and sinisterly handsome and wicked strong. And, a good lay.”

Spikebot scuffed the toe of his boot on the floor. “Thanks, pet. What’s a good lay?”

“You’re welcome. A good lay can access many expert artificial intelligence programs about sexual positions and create new positions with object oriented development software. I must go back to work. I hand out round squishy things in wrappers and small cokes and people give me money and coupons. Oh! And, cherry pies! It is an excellent job!”

Buffy must be the very nicest girl on the whole planet. “Will you go on a date with me?” he asked. Warren and Jonathan and the other one talked about dating girls when they became rich so he thought dating must be a good thing to do. He didn’t think he wanted to wait until Warren and the other two got rich before going on a date, though.

“Oh, yes! I will show you about good laying.”

“What’s a date?” he asked.

Buffybot fluffed her hair. “A date is when everyone in your Friends Folder goes to the Bronze together in the evening.”

They synchronized their scheduling information databases and agreed to meet at the Bronze that evening.