Last week on WWHH? Buffybot's date didn't go so well and neither did Spikebot's or Buffy's or Spike's. Warren and his geek sidekicks tried to rob the Bronze and that didn't go so well either although Buffybot got to test out her taser finger thingies. Date night continues ...
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Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed and everyone who read and lurked. Characters belong to Joss and Mutant Enemy but Joss said Spike could come over for a visit whenever Scarlet gets through with him. That could be a while.
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Chapter 14 – Frustration



Spike caught up with Buffy outside Restfield Cemetery, which was convenient for dragging himself home if she decided to beat the crap out of him. He tagged her shoulder. “Buffy, stop! We have to talk.”

Buffy spun around with her stake out and ready. “Okay, let’s talk. I am Chock Full of Talk. What shall we talk about? Oh! I know! Let’s talk about how you tricked me into having sex with you. How’s that for a subject? Or, we could talk about you robbing Wedgy or how you were doing the Skankbot in the alley where all my friends could see you or how you’ve been hiding my Spikebot.”

It seemed best to avoid the tricking subject and the Buffybot altogether. He’d never snaffled so much as a pack of fags from Wedgy, but he didn’t want to admit that, so he proceeded to a subject on which he felt he might be able to say something remotely resembling the truth. “There is no Spikebot. I told Warren not to make one.”

“He made one anyway. And, don’t dodge. You had sex with me and I didn’t even know it was you. And, then you turned on the Buffybot again and you were having sex with her, too.”

“I’m going to kill that wanker. And, yeah, I had sex with you. And, you liked it.”

“Did not. I didn’t like it a bit.” Buffy whirled around so she wouldn’t have to look at Spike while she told that lie.

“Spikebot, do it again. Do that thing again with your tongue,” he said in his Whiny Buffy Voice.

God, she hated when he made the Whiny Buffy Voice. She so didn’t sound like that. “Shut up. Shut up right now. I hate you.”

“Do not and it wasn’t me that got out the handcuffs.”

“They just happened to be lying around. From before. Naturally, I had to use the handcuffs to make the Spikebot behave.”

“Keep me chained up while you had your wicked Slayer way with me, you mean. Wait, I get it. It was okay to have sex with a robot, but it wasn’t okay to have sex with me.”

“I never would have had sex with the robot if you hadn’t pretended to be him and tricked me and got me all excited and stuff.” That almost made sense. She still had her back to Spike, because she so wasn’t going to look at him and get tricked again.

Spike leaned over her and kissed her neck. “Like this? Is this how I tricked you?”

“Cut it out,” she said. She didn’t move away.

Spike slid his hand up her thigh and scooted her skirt up her leg. “Or, was it more like this?”

~ ~ ~

Xander and Anya stood at the Restfield Cemetery’s front gate and argued. Sometimes, Xander enjoyed arguing with Anya. Her relentless and strange logic could be amusing. Tonight was not one of these occasions.

“It’ll only take a minute. I want to make sure the Albino Idiot went back to his crypt without Buffy or the Buffybot.” He didn’t gve a hoot if Spike banged the Buffybot upside down, right side up or sideways, and wouldn’t mind a go with her himself if Anya wasn’t around, but sex with bots was a sore point with the womenfolk. He did care if Spike had sex with Buffy because that was so wrong and because he didn’t think Spike should receive sexual favors he himself had never been able to get.

Anya stomped her foot. “Who cares where Spike went? Who cares who he took with him? I want to go home. We didn’t have sex last night because you said you were too tired and now you want to chase all over the cemetery looking for Buffy and you’re going to be too tired again. And, I’ll end up getting fat when I’m forced to eat a whole bag of Mint Milanos from sexual frustration.”

Xander wiped his face. “Buffy’s vulnerable and I can’t let Spike take advantage of her. I’ll run over to Spike’s crypt and I’ll be in and out in a jiffy.”

Anya gave in after remarking about the in-and-out-jiffyness of her own sex life and followed Xander along the dark path towards Spike’s crypt.

“If you ask me,” she said, “Buffy could use a good poke in the pants. She’s been mighty cranky since Riley left. And, Spike’s just the guy to handle her.”

“Maybe she could – no, no poking of the pants for Buffy. And, not Spike. Not ever.”

“You’re too late on the not ever part. She told me yesterday the two of them were going to play Naughty Nurse.”

Xander skidded to a stop. “Okay, I’m getting the visual and I’m not liking it. Did she say anything about the rubber glove? No! Don’t answer that.” He saw something moving in the bushes ahead of them. “Buffy!”

~ ~ ~

Spikebot jogged two blocks east, one block north, two blocks west and arrived at the Sunnydale Police District Dispatch Center and Lockup. He stopped in front of the building.

“I am at the jail,” he said. He hoped Warren would hear him and tell him what to do, but he didn’t know if he could talk inside Warren’s head the way Warren could talk inside his head.

Warren didn’t answer, but the BZZZZZZZ, BZZZZZZZ, BZZZZZZZ continued inside Spikebot’s head. Spikebot reduced the system volume so the buzzing could not be heard outside his skull, but he could hear the buzzing himself perfectly well.

A police car pulled up in front of the station and the officers got out of the car and opened the back door. They pulled a man who wasn’t Warren out of the back seat. His hands were restrained behind his back with stainless steel handcuffs, the way Warren’s had been. One of the officers grabbed the man by his arm and pulled him up the steps and into the station.

“Warren must be inside,” Spikebot said. He followed the officers into the station and approached the front desk. Another officer – Officer Joe Walsy – sat at the desk. His name was on a brass plate on top of the desk. He was talking on the telephone.

“Yeah, lady. That happens to me all the time. Un huh. Un huh. Have you tried putting the foil with the shiny side out? You do that. We serve and protect.” Officer Joe Walsy hung up the phone. “What can I do for you, sir?”

“I am looking for Warren, Officer Joe Walsy. He is in jail.” BZZZZZZZ.

Officer Joe tapped a few letters on the keyboard to his computer. “Does Warren have a last name?”

Spike considered this question. Jonathan Short Round had addressed Warren as Pizza-face this morning. Maybe that was Warren’s last name? “Pizza-face.”

The officer arranged his facial features to show that he was displeased, although Spikebot didn’t think he had done anything bad. “No Pizza-faces in the holding pen.”

“Oh,” Spikebot said. “This is disappointing. Warren buzzed me in my head and told me to come to the jail right away.” His brain buzzed again three more times. BZZZZZZZ, BZZZZZZZ , BZZZZZZZ . “It is difficult to concentrate when my brain is buzzing all the time.”

“Really. Think of that.” The officer reached into one of his desk drawers and pulled out a large roll of aluminum foil. He tore off a long strip. “Here buddy, wrap this around your head a couple of times. Then, Warren won’t be able to buzz your brain.”

Spikebot took the sheet of aluminum foil and wrapped it around his Titanium-Molybdenum Alloy brain casing. The buzzing stopped. “Have I placed it correctly?”

“Perfect. Have a nice evening, sir.”

“Thank you. I will go back to my date with Buffy. She is teaching me to be a good lay.”

The officer pulled off another long piece of foil. “Here you go. One for your girl.”

Spikebot took the foil and smiled. He held the foil carefully so it wouldn’t wrinkle. “Thank you, Officer Joe Walsy. I’m certain Buffy will like wrapping her head in foil, too. Do you think she will agree to be my girlfriend?”

“I bet she will,” Officer Joe said. “We serve and protect.”

After Spikebot left the building, Officer Joe collected $7.34 from the station’s Weekly Weirdest Citizen pool.

~~~

Their argument ended halfway to Spike’s crypt, next to the Lovelace crypt with its flowery stone hearts and carved angels, which had been Buffy’s second choice for photographs two years ago, when they were engaged. The site featured an excellent patch of soft turf.

Buffy’s tongue was in Spike’s mouth and her hand was unhooking his belt buckle when she heard the voice in the distance. “What was that?”

“Buffy!” A faint male voice echoed across the cemetery.

Spike rolled on top of her and pushed her legs apart. “Who gives a damn? Take off your knickers.” His fingers fastened on the lace waistband and tugged.

Buffy resumed sucking Spike’s tongue and helped him push off her thong in a manner that might be described as frantic.

“Buffy!” The voice came closer.

“Ohmigod! It’s Xander. Let me up!”

Buffy shoved Spike off and scrambled to her feet. She tugged her skirt back into place and picked up her stake from the ground where she’d dropped it.

Spike lay on the ground looking up at the stars as he waited for his frustration to subside. He zipped up his pants and fastened his belt buckle when he saw Xander and Anya approaching and pocketed Buffy’s panties.

“Buffy! Spike! What’s going on here?” Xander said between huffs.

“Don’t be stupid, Xander,” Anya said. “Buffy and Spike were having sex. What else would they be doing, lying on the ground in a cemetery at the middle of the night?”

“No!” Buffy said. “No sex! No Spike sex! And, this isn’t Spike.” She kicked him in the ribs. “This is the Spikebot and we were practicing fighting. See?” She waved her stake.

“Oh, right!” Spike said, picking up Buffy’s cue. “I’m Buffy’s robot! I fight evil!” He jumped to his feet and danced around with his fists up. “Give it to me good, Slayer!”

Xander peered at Spike, but couldn’t tell if he was Spike or the Spikebot in the dark. “That’s a relief. Cause if you were the real Spike and you were boning Buffy, I’d stake you myself.”

Buffy remembered she was mad at Spike for many reasons and recalled she didn’t want Xander and Blabbermouth Anya to suspect she was having sex with Spike, so she renewed her plan to exact cruel and unusual revenge on him, in spite of a near meltdown from sexual frustration, and popped Spike in each of his eyes. “There you go, Spikebot. Don’t bother to get up.”

Buffy left the cemetery with Xander and Anya and stopped off on the way home at the Thank Heaven Convenience Food Mart to pick up two packages of fresh batteries.