Buffy wanted Spike to love her.

Maybe it wasn’t a discovery so much as an acceptance. She had finally accepted that she wanted his love. The questions were obvious even to her. Did she love him? Could she want his love without returning it? If she did love him, what then? Could they actually have a relationship? Her hand found its way into his hair without her conscious decision to do so and she comforted herself by twirling his locks around her finger.

Spike tensed. He’d been lost in his own thoughts, pretending to watch the television but not really taking any of it in. But now she was touching him, to say that he was alert would have been an understatement. The show had changed. There was a talk show on now and Spike wondered distractedly when it had started. Slowly, reluctantly even, he turned his head to look at her. She wasn’t looking down. Her eyes were set on the screen, but it was clear that her mind was somewhere else. He swallowed. She didn’t know what she was doing. Her caress was really no different than doodling or chewing one’s nails. It wasn’t about him; it was just a nervous gesture. He wondered if he should stop her or if he should pretend not to notice. He saw the realization on her face the moment that she knew what she was doing.

She smiled sheepishly and pulled her hand away. “Sorry.”

He tried not to look disappointed. “Didn’t mind.”

“The curls are fun. You should leave the gel out more often.”

He didn’t know what to say. “I…oh.” He nodded and pulled himself up, though his ribs protested loudly. He wanted to pace, but settled for sitting down on the coffee table and staring at her. His head tilted as he tried to figure out what to ask.

He’d surprised her by getting up, but the questions in his eyes were familiar. She was sending mixed messages again. Buffy decided it was time to make at least one thing clear.

She kissed him.

There was no warning really, not for either of them. She simply cupped her hands around his face and kissed him. She was gentle, barely brushing her lips against his before pulling back.

She watched as he struggled with hope.

“Is it pity? Was that…”

Her eyes widened. “No. Spike, no.” She shook her head in denial and wanted to cry. She hadn’t made anything clear at all.

“Then what?”

She shrugged. “A kiss.”

He looked up and jostled his leg restlessly. He felt like a ponce, begging her to give him some scrap of emotion. “Why, Buffy?”

She looked him square in the eye and sighed. “I just wanted to kiss you, Spike. I thought…if you don’t want…”

He grabbed her hands before she could finish. “Don’t. You know how I feel, what you are to me; I could never not want you. But I need to know the rules here.”

She shook her head. “There’s no…”

“There’s always rules, pet. This…” He gestured back and forth between them. “Is it just today? Or until I heal? You keep touching me.” He shook his head and continued in a rapid-fire frenzy. “Am I supposed to pretend it doesn’t affect me?” His expression plainly stated that it was not even possible. “Or maybe…was it just the one time or are you going to kiss me again? Am I allowed to kiss you?”

Buffy paled. “I don’t have all those answers. I don’t…I mean some of them I...” She stopped and took a deep breath. She was scared, more frightened then she’d been facing Glory or The Master or dozens of the other baddies she’d dealt with over the years. She trembled, but she made herself face him. “I want you.” Her voice was quiet but steady. “Not like before, not…not like before. I like you. You’re…you and I like you. And yes, I’d like to kiss you again.”

She watched the steady stream of emotions run across his face and wondered if she’d said enough. Her feelings were still so confused. She couldn’t explain them to herself; she hadn’t a clue as to how she could explain them to him. Her shoulders slumped. How could he know her so well, read her like no one else could, and not see that things were different?

Her newfound self-awareness pointed out that she had only just realized it herself, and that once again, she was being too hard on him. She tried to maintain a gentle and encouraging expression.

Spike bit his lip to keep himself from continuing his torrent of questions. She’d said that she liked him, that she wanted him even. There was a time when that admission would have been enough, he wasn’t sure that it was now. Oh, he was sure it was enough for him. Spike figured it was more than he deserved and more than he’d ever expected. If it wasn’t forgiveness, it was at least acceptance. Buffy said that she liked him. He was elated. His heart jumped to his throat.

But he didn’t think it was enough for her. He worried that she was already regretting the kiss and he wished that she would tell him what to do.

Spike had never really been one for taking orders before. Hell, he’d gone out of his way to rebel against them. But from her, for her, he’d gladly take direction. He just didn’t want to screw up. Again.

He’d been quiet too long. It made her uneasy. She spoke softly. “Spike?”

He nodded. “Did…did you have a time in mind?” He looked up at the ceiling and shook his head. He was blowing this. He felt like a schmuck.

Buffy frowned in confusion. “A time for…”

He sighed before looking at her. “The kissing, pet.”

Her eyes widened. He wanted to know when she planned to kiss him again. It was…cute, really cute. She laughed. Buffy had long ago accepted that Spike was hot. Even when he’d been evil, it was hard to honestly deny his attractiveness. But she’d never really thought of him as cute. Thinking it now brought a barrage of images to her mind’s forefront. The man was adorable. She leaned closer. “Does now work?” She didn’t wait for his response.

Spike groaned as her lips touched his again. He couldn’t help himself. His hands flew up and buried themselves in her hair. He pulled her closer and slid his tongue tentatively between her lips. When she didn’t pull away, he relaxed and deepened the kiss.

Buffy almost sighed. She could feel every muscle in her body loosen. The kiss didn’t feel like sex, though certainly the hints of it remained beneath the surface, it felt like a comfort. She smiled against his mouth and reached her arms up around his neck. She kissed his cheek before pulling back slightly and studying his dazed expression. She tried to imagine what he’d say if she told him he was cute and she giggled. Buffy felt younger than she had in years.

“Sitting like this has to be hurting you.”

“I don’t mind.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes. Very manly.” She scooted back on the couch. “Why don’t you lie back down?”

He wanted to argue. He wanted to tell her that he was fine and ready for anything. It would have been a lie, but he was more than tempted to tell it. He didn’t. Instead, Spike nodded and waited until she pulled the pillow onto her lap.

Lying down again, he muttered, “Plenty manly and you know it.”

“Mmm.” She nodded and went back to playing with his hair.