DISCLAIMER: The characters and Sunnydale and the whole Lollapalooza belong to Joss and we're just borrowing for a little while. No copyright infringement intended.
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Last week on Who Whatting How with Huh? Buffybot went shopping and got a fab magazine with David Boreanz's picture right on the front. *** Buffy went to work. *** Spikebot tried to continue his date, but ended up at the police station. *** Spike had a visit from Brother Ben which didn't go well.
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Reviews are always welcome!
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Chapter 16 – Crinkly Paper, Chocolate Glazed and an Offer Too Good to Refuse



Buffybot hurried over to Spike’s crypt carrying the bag of melted ice and several new bags of blood from Sunnydale Memorial Hospital, which Spike said he needed to heal up his black eyes, and, a new nurse’s outfit to replace the one that got torn up when she wasn’t watching it and a rubber glove which she also acquired from the hospital. She looked forward to resuming her date with Spike and teaching him about being a good lay as soon as he got Warren out of jail.

When she arrived, three ugly and scabby men in the brown dresses were dragging Spike out of his crypt. They were hitting Spike!

“I must save Spike!” She dropped the ice, the bags of blood, the nurse’s outfit and the rubber glove, Size 6, and ran very fast, which wasn’t easy to do in black high heels. She turned on the video recorder in her left iris so Spike could watch her fight later. Spike liked to watch her fight. She kicked one of the ugly and scabby men in the face with her pointy shoe. “Let go of Spike!”

Dr. Ben Mannpflegen came out of Spike’s crypt. He slugged one of the ugly men, then the ugly man hit him back very hard. All of a sudden, Dr. Ben Mannpflegen’s face and hair and body performed a Molecular Level Cell Redistribution and Reorganization Sequence. Dr. Ben was gone and a woman with curly, blonde hair appeared in his place. Buffybot was too busy fighting Scabby Ugly Man 1 and Scabby Ugly Man 2 to examine the woman with both of her optically coupled isolators, so she recorded what was happening.

“Oh, goody,” the woman said. She clapped her hands. “My vampire. Grab him, Jinx. I’ve got a few more questions for Lady Clairol.”

Buffybot smacked Jinx very hard. He somersaulted over backwards and rolled into a ditch. Buffybot kicked him in the rear for good measure. “Stay away from Spike. He’s mine.”

“Your Cordial Splendiferousness?” Jinx said. “I could use a small amount of assistance subduing this Vampire Slayer Creature so I may do your bidding.”

Glory sighed. “I have to do everything around here.” She slugged Buffybot’s face.

Buffybot’s head spun around backwards so she couldn’t see where she was walking and her foil headband fell off. She tried to turn her head, but her neck was stuck and sparks were showering out from her Holding Torque Spring Rod. “Where did everyone go? My 1/4-Watt Miniature Linear Potentiometer is damaged. Or, possibly my H11L1, 2, 3, 4 Series Optically Coupled Isolators consisting of a Gallium Arsenide Infrared Emitting Diodes and a Microprocessor Compatible Schmitt Trigger Output is damaged. I must find Willow.” Buffybot stumbled out of the cemetery.

“Hey,” Glory said. “Did anybody else know the Slayer’s a robot?”

Buffybot reached the front gate of the cemetery, tripped over an Evil Root and landed face up, feet down, on the sidewalk. Her computer system shorted out and terminated.



Spikebot held the crinkly paper with the spray of daffodils in his hand with great care so they wouldn’t get crushed. “These yellow herbaceous materials reminded me of you because they are bright and happy and resemble the solar star that the Earth circles on a diurnal basis,” he said by way of practice. He wanted to make a good impression on Buffy, his girlfriend.

He walked into the front gate of the Fairview Cemetery where he promised to meet Buffy and was startled to see her lying on the sidewalk with her Optically Coupled Isolators rolled back in her Titanium-Molybdenum Alloy Brain Case. He stepped closer. Her head was on backwards.

This was alarming. He didn’t think Buffy’s head was supposed to turn around like this. What if Buffy was hurt? What should he do? He rubbed the left side of his chest which was reacting strangely and giving him sharp, tiny shocks, at the unverified, but distressing data that Buffy might be injured.

He sorted through his instructional folders, but found no useful information. He selected a USB cable from the storage compartment in his Left Bicep Construction and connected himself to Buffy. After several minutes searching Buffy’s data dictionary, he detected a program instructing Buffy to return to Willow at the Magic Box in case of damage. He tucked the flowers into his coat, picked up Buffy and ran as fast as he could to the Magic Box.

He kicked open the door and propped her against the counter as gently as he could. Willow, Xander and Giles were assembled in the shop, examining objects smelling of eukaryotic, heterotrophic organisms and consuming round pieces of dough dipped in grease and sugar.

Willow looked up from a thick, moldy book Giles shoved in front of her three hours before. “Spike? Or Spikebot?”

“Willow! I am Spike! Buffy is injured!” Spikebot said.

BZZZZZZZ! EEEEEEE! Spikebot’s head buzzed and his Redundant Auditory Backup Crystal Receivers shrieked. He put his hands on either side of his head and shook his brain casing to stop the noise, but his efforts were ineffectual. He ran out of the shop.

~ ~ ~

Still munching on a chocolate mocha marshmallow glazed with orange rind and sour ball sprinkles, Willow touched Buffybot’s reset button in her bellybutton to start her reboot her hard drive. After a minute, Buffybot completed her Wake Up Sequence and opened her eyes.

“I observe you and the others are eating round pieces of dough dipped in grease and sugar,” Buffybot said. “I will make a note to myself to bring some Doublemeat pies the next time I come to the shop. The pies are also full of sugar and dipped in grease.”

“Doublemeat pies. Can’t wait. What are you doing running around? I thought you were in Snooze mode?”
“Willow! Fix me! Hurry! Glory captured Spike again! We must save Spike!”

Buffy came into the shop. “Has anybody seen Spike or the Spikebot? I’ve got some questions to ask him -- them. And, who recharged Miss Bestest Sex Toy a Vampire Ever Had? She’s supposed to be in Mothballage.”

“Spikebot just ran out, I think. Or, maybe it was Spike?” Willow said.

“Isn’t that my new leather skirt?” Buffy said.

Buffybot flopped herself face down on the reading table with her butt up in the air and sent the stacks of books flumping to the floor. “Hurry, Willow! Spike is in danger!” Buffybot popped open her mechanical access plate.

Xander looked up from his book and cast an admiring eye at the Buffybot’s curved and compact backside and the crescent of black lace and satin that covered her cheek. “You know, maybe Spike isn’t so crazy after all.” He returned to his book when Buffy gave him the Slayer Fish Eye.

Willow pulled Buffybot into a sitting position. “I don’t think we need exploratory engineering this time.” She twisted Buffybot’s head back into position. “Tell us what happened.”

“I can tell you what’s going to happen to a certain Pesky Corpuscle Consumer when I catch up with him,” Buffy said. “I’m feeling psychic.”

“I have video. I can show you.” Buffybot plugged a cable from Willow’s laptop into her USB port and downloaded the video onto the little computer screen. Willow and Buffy watched the jerky video of Buffybot fighting a demon and Dr. Ben chasing Spike with a stake. Then, Dr. Ben disappeared and Glory appeared in his place. After that, Glory slugged Buffybot in the head and Glory’s icky demons dragged Spike away.

“Back that up, Buffybot,” Buffy said. “Show us the part where Dr. Ben disappears and Glory shows up. Is that some kind of video flub?”

“No, that is an accurate recording of Dr. Ben Mannpflegen turning into Glory.” Buffybot displayed the clip again and Dr. Ben Mannpflegen morphed into Glory again.

“So,” Xander said. “You’re saying Glory is Ben?”

Buffybot smacked Xander on the head. “I am sorry, Friend of Buffy! My programming requires me to smack you on the head whenever you say something stupid!”

“You’re in trouble now, Big Boy,” Willow said.

“No,” Buffybot said. “Spike is in Trouble! We must hurry!” Buffybot felt her eyes leak again and that spot in her chest, just above her Thermal Actuator, felt all hurty. She might have to take her eyes to Warren for professional servicing once she saved Spike.

“He sure is in trouble,” Real Buffy said. Buffy picked up the troll hammer that had been left in the shop by Anya’s former troll husband, Olaf, when he got transported to a Troll Dimension. She tossed it in the air and caught it a couple of times. “Think they went back to Glory’s apartment?”

“Yes,” Buffybot said. “She is skanky and her ass is lopsided, so I think she will return to her abode. Also, they were headed in that direction.”

Buffy headed for the door. “Can’t argue with the logic. Let’s go, My New Leather Skirt Girl.”



Spike hung limp and dragged his feet as the poonlarp demons hauled him back to Glory’s apartment. He wasn’t slowing them up much, but it was possible Buffybot would track down Buffy and the Slayerettes and rescue him. If she figured out her head was turned backwards, that is. As the demons dragged him along, he spotted a couple of bright pieces of fabric. Buffy’s panties. He snatched them up and stuffed them in his pocket. The Bot must have dropped them. He was really going to have to find out what she’d been up to the past two days.

The demons chained him up by his hands in Glory’s living room, in the spot he’d previously occupied, only this time, they secured the hook to the steel I-beam supporting the structure. Spike tested the chains. Nope, no pulling loose from this one no matter how hard the Bitch slugged him.

Glory sucked on a Mojito popsicle and studied Spike. She ran her fingers through his hair and stuck one finger through his skull and rooted around. She touched the chip embedded in his frontal lobe and set it off.

Spike screamed.

“You know something, vampire? I’ve been going about this all wrong. I’ve been wasting my time beating and torturing you to get information and all this time you’ve been dying to tell me whatever I want to know. Haven’t you, sweetie?” Glory sucked on her popsicle and lapped it with her tongue.

“Don’t know what you’re on about, and I don’t care.”

Glory put her arm around Spike’s shoulders. “I think you do. I think you care a lot about a certain nasty piece of plastic in your brain. What does that thing do?” She grabbed his crotch and squeezed.

He choked back a scream. No chance he was going to tell this tramp what the chip did. “Helps me beat skags like yourself into a bloody pulp.”

“I don’t think so. I think somebody is lying. Doesn’t matter. I’m prepared to make a fabulous, one time only offer, vampire. You tell me who and where the Key is and I will take the chip out of your head. I think that’s fair, don’t you?”

Spike gulped.



Doris rang the Summers’ residence doorbell. She could hear loud rock and roll music, of the kind Doris particularly hated. Why couldn’t the youngsters play something good like Neil Diamond or Tom Jones? She’d once thrown her big white panties at Tom Jones when she went to his concert in Las Vegas while attending a Continuing Justice Education seminar. Tom was her kind of schmaltzel demon.

She rang again when no one answered. The music went silent and she heard the patter of little human feet. Dawn opened the door.



As Buffy and her entourage started out the door of the Magic Box to rescue Spike or slug him on the head with a troll hammer, depending on the plans of the particular member of the entourage, a Universal Parcel Service delivery man arrived carrying a long package.

“Delivery for Buffy Summers?” he said.

Buffy dropped her hammer, which left a large gouge in the floor. “Prezzie for me?” She signed for the package and the delivery man left. She loved prezzies. She set the package on the glass counter and stroked the box with her hands. She could feel energy – good energy – sparkling and humming through the cardboard box.

Giles came down from the balcony where he’d been searching through the black magic arts books and avoiding the young persons. “Has it arrived?”

The return label on the package said ‘Watchers Council, 185 London Road Tunbridge Wells Kent TN1 1EA, United Kingdom. “The old gas bags sent me something. What is it? Can I open it?”

Giles nodded. “Ei solae tractare licet.”

Buffy ignored him, as she always did when he spoke Watcher gibberish, and ripped open the box. Inside the package lay a sword sheathed in a silver scabbard. A beautiful sword. She touched the sheath and the sword chimed like a bell. She picked it up and held it up with both hands. She drew the gleaming sword from its scabbard. “Way cool.”

The blade of the sword was wrought from tempered steel with gold filigree inserted into engraved drawings of a woman fighting a winged dragon. A large sapphire was imbedded in the pommel and a fine, gold-plated basket protected the grip. A sword knot of gold and silver threads dangled from the pommel.

“This is Caladcholg,” Giles said, “It’s a two-handed broadsword, believed to once have belonged to Fergus mac Roich, a legendary warrior. According to Irish myth, it has the power to slice the tops off mountains. Its companion sword is Caledfwlch, better known as Excalibur. The sword was awarded to the Council by Queen Victoria in 1887, on the occasion of her Golden Jubilee, for the express use of the Slayer.”

Buffy swung the sword in a circle. The sword flashed rainbow arcs as she turned. “Kelly Clog. Awesome.”

“Caladcholg,” Giles said. “And, for once, your use of the word awesome is correct.”

“Just like in the cartoon.” Buffy thrust the sword forward and plucked a button off Giles’s gnarly grey sweater vest. “And, wicked sharp.”

“I know I’m going to regret asking. What cartoon?”

“Sword in the Stone,” Xander said. “You know, King Arthur, Merlin, Walt Disney, Girl Squirrel and the Granny Squirrel. See, I am of the history knowledge.”

“Don’t forget Sir Pelinore,” Willow said.

“And, Sir Ector,” Buffybot said.

“You are all perfect nincompoops. Xander, do you have your employer’s ice cream truck?”

“Yeah, parked right outside. You need an ice cream novelty before we go? I’ve got some Good Humor bars left.”

“We have a stop to make before we take on Glorificus and we’ll need the truck. Shall we?”

Buffy held her sword up in the light. The sapphire glowed and showered sparkles around her hand.

“We shall.”