Author's note: I'm sorry about not updating for a while, Christmas came and an art project deadline ... anyway, only one more chapter to go after this!

Chapter Seven: Confessions

Things were easier with Spike gone. Buffy finally felt free to mourn William for who he had been, rather than suppressing confusing feelings that were tangled up in the existence of Spike. Some part of her brain kept trying to tell her that Spike had left a little too easily. He had to be up to something, but she wouldn’t listen. She had more pressing matters to think about.

“So come on, Buffy, tell,” Willow’s eager voice sounded over the phone. “Boy or girl?”

“Say pretty please,” was Buffy’s reply.

“Buffy!”

“Oh, all right.” Buffy couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face as she said, “It’s a girl.”

The exited squeal at the other end meant she had to hold the phone two feet away from her ear for several seconds, before putting it back. “You done, Will?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I just can’t believe it.”

Buffy couldn’t believe it either.

The birth was drawing nearer and everyone was feeling apprehensive, but also excited. Willow was telling everyone she was going to be an auntie, including all the teachers, the milkman and random strangers on the street. Xander had been demanding that Buffy name the baby after him if it was a boy. Joyce and Giles could not have been more supportive, and Buffy knew she would have had a breakdown by now if it had not been for the two of them. They were the best parents she could have asked for.

So when Giles came into her room and started talking awkwardly about the weather, she knew exactly what to say.

“Giles, was there something you wanted to ask me?”

He met her eyes, and she smiled reassuringly at him.

“Actually, Buffy, I wanted to talk to you about your mother,” Giles said carefully.

“I think you two are great together.”

He raised his eyebrows at her, and she grinned. “Really, I do. You make each other happy and I’m fine with it. Really.”

It seemed to take a moment for what she had said to sink in, but when it had he beamed. “Well, that’s … good.”

“You asked her out yet?”

“Buffy, we live in the same house. Temporarily,” he added.

Buffy pointed out that despite Giles being fully employed in the local library for the last few months, nobody had brought up the subject of him moving back out. He had become very much a member of the family and insisted on putting his wages towards housekeeping and a college fund for the baby.

“You could do some overtime and take her out to dinner somewhere posh,” Buffy suggested. “Mom likes the romantic stuff.”

“I’ll bear that in mind. Thank you, Buffy.”

“Giles, there’s actually something I wanted to ask you.” Buffy paused, biting her lip. “When my baby is born … would you be okay with being called Grandad?”

Giles pulled Buffy into a hug in response.

-----

Giles put his head around the door. “Buffy? We’re leaving now.”

“Okay.” Buffy looked up from Baby Names A-Z. “Have fun.”

“You’re sure you know where the phone numbers are, in case -”

“Giles, relax, you’re as bad as Mom. I’m not due for another couple of weeks. I’ll be fine on my own for a few hours.”

He sighed. “Your mother and I are entitled to worry about you, young lady.” He turned his head slightly to read the cover of her book. “Have you still not decided, then?”

Buffy shook her head. “You would think knowing that I’m having a girl would make it seem easier to pick a name. I mean, it does cut down my options by about fifty percent. But I just feel overwhelmed by it all. I can’t decide.”

“I’m afraid I have no experience in that department. You could try asking your mother,” Giles suggested, before apparently thinking better of it. “Well, perhaps not.”

Buffy threw a cushion at him and he chuckled. “Well, see you later.”

“Where are you taking Mom?” Buffy asked, grinning.

“I made reservations at the new restaurant in the town centre. All the papers had very good reviews of it.”

“Rupert!” Joyce’s voice called up the stairs. “We’re going to be late!”

Buffy bade them goodbye and they left. Once the house was quiet, she sighed, the smile sliding off her face. She was trying so hard to be strong, to keep going without looking back at the past, but it was exhausting. Every now and then, when she was alone – well, as alone as she could be – she let herself cry a little, just to prevent it all from bottling up and exploding.

She missed William so much. There was a constant dull ache in her chest, which grew painfully sharp on the rare times she allowed herself to think about him.

The book she had found the definition of living dreams in was still under her bed. Buffy picked it up and stared blankly at the cover, as if by holding it she could be transported back into the world where William was still living.

Suddenly she needed to talk to someone. Buffy reached for her phone and dialled Willow’s number.

-----

“Here.” Willow handed Buffy a glass of water. “Do you need me to phone someone? Your midwife?”

Buffy shook her head. “I’m not in labour, Will.” She took a gulp of water and Willow sat down on the sofa next to her.

“You sounded pretty upset on the phone. What’s wrong?”

“I just …” Buffy closed her eyes as tears pricked at them. “It hurts.”

“You mean something’s wrong?” Willow’s voice rose in tone as she started to panic, and Buffy shook her head again quickly.

“Not like that.”

“Well, like what then?”

Buffy let out a sob, as tears streamed down her cheeks. Willow leapt up, grabbed a box of Kleenex and started wiping her cheeks for her.

“Y-you know you’re my best friend in the whole world, right?” Buffy said thickly.

“You’re pregnant,” Willow said in response.

“I know that.”

“Your hormones are making you emotional. It’s natural.”

Buffy shook her head again. “Not hormones. Well, maybe a bit of hormones. But they’re only m-making it worse.”

“Making what worse?” Willow asked in a gentle tone.

“I miss him,” Buffy managed to get out before dissolving into tears completely. Willow wrapped her arms around her and rocked her like Joyce did.

“The baby’s dad?” she clarified when Buffy was slightly calmer.

Buffy nodded, and said, “He’s dead.”

“Oh, Buffy,” Willow whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

Somehow saying it aloud helped calm Buffy more.

“Did you love him?” Willow asked.

Buffy nodded.

“What was his name?”

“William,” Buffy whispered. “His name was William.”

-----

Buffy had cried herself out and now she was lying asleep across Willow’s lap. Willow just sat still, not wanting to move in case she disturbed her friend. Silent tears were trickling down Willow’s face, as she dwelled on how much pain Buffy still endured each day. It was a relief that she had finally shared some of it, but Willow couldn’t help but wonder what else was still to come that her friend kept bottled up inside.

Poor Buffy. She couldn’t imagine what she must be going through, having lost the one she loved, especially now she was having a baby.

Had the father even known? Did Buffy carry around with her the guilt of not having told him before it was too late? Maybe he had known and had reacted badly? Or perhaps he had been thrilled at the thought of being a father, just not had the chance to be one. There were so many potential scenarios, each as hard on Buffy as the other, and Willow wished she knew what had happened so she could help Buffy more. All she could be was a shoulder – or lap – to cry on.

Buffy had spoken to her in confidence, so when Giles and Joyce returned home in a deliriously happy mood to find Buffy asleep after a crying fit, she did not tell them the content of their conversation. If Buffy was ready, she would tell them herself when she woke. Giles began carrying Buffy up to bed and Willow opened the front door to go home, but a cry from the staircase stopped her in her tracks.

-----

Giles was searching Buffy’s bedroom for her bag packed ready for the hospital. It took him several minutes, as she had left a jumper on top of it and he hadn’t seen it at first. “Ah-hah!”

As he swung the bag onto his shoulder on his way out of the room, he spotted one of his books on her bed. It was lying open, and he glanced down to see what Buffy had been reading.

Living dreams.

Giles blinked, remembered what he was supposed to be doing, and left the room hurriedly with Buffy’s bag.

-----

Twenty-four hours later, Buffy was sleeping in her hospital bed with a baby girl in her arms. Joyce gently picked her up and kissed her exhausted daughter on the forehead.

“Isn’t she beautiful, Rupert,” she murmured.

He nodded, awestruck. The baby reached up to its grandmother and he chuckled. “I think she’s trying to get your necklace, Joyce.”

Buffy stirred and opened her eyes.

“Sorry, honey,” Joyce whispered. “Did we wake you?”

Buffy shook her head and sat up. “Hey, little one,” she said, gently stroking the baby’s almost-bald head.

“Here you are, Mommy,” Joyce said, placing the baby back into Buffy’s arms. “Where did I put that camera?”

Giles handed it to her and she took a snap of the two of them, mother and baby staring at each other in curiosity and love.

“She doesn’t look a lot like you,” Joyce commented as she sat back down by the bed.

Buffy shook her head, tears starting to prick at the corners of her eyes. “No. She takes after her daddy.”

-----

Her mother had gone to find a coffee machine, and Buffy and the baby were alone with Giles. Silence had stretched for a moment before he spoke. “Buffy, why are you reading about living dreams?”

She looked up, startled. “How did you know?”

“I saw my book on your bed. It seemed an odd bedtime reading choice for a mother to be. Especially you.”

Buffy hesitated.

“Buffy?” he said, in a softer tone now. “If there’s something you want to tell me …”

She swallowed, and finally decided to tell the truth. “It’s how I met the baby’s father,” she whispered.

Giles stared at her and she continued. “I didn’t know it was real. I thought I was just dreaming. H-he was a guy in the 1800s and he was sweet and I just wanted it to be something private. But then -”

“You got pregnant,” Giles supplied. Buffy shook her head.

“No. Then he turned up here and now as a vampire.”

Long silence. “Oh.”

“I wanted to make the most of the time we had together in case I couldn’t save him, which was what I wanted. But after we – you know – I couldn’t get back. I was stuck with Spike.”

“Wait – Spike’s the one?” Giles gasped. “Oh, Buffy. Why didn’t you just come to me?”

Buffy started sobbing and the baby stirred. “Do you have any idea what it’s like?” Buffy whispered, trying not to wake her daughter up properly. “I was scared and, yes, maybe I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“Here, let me take her a moment.” Giles lifted the baby out of Buffy’s hands so she could wipe her eyes. “You should have talked to someone, Buffy, instead of going through it all alone. That’s what your family and friends are here for.” With his spare hand he gently brushed a stray tear off her cheek. “We love you. We should have been there for you.”

“I know.” Buffy closed her eyes. “I screwed everything up.”

“Hush, don’t talk like that.” Giles’ voice was soft but firm. “You made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.” He lowered his arms and Buffy took her daughter back.

“He kept bugging me,” Buffy murmured. “Saying about how he still cared about me and I wasn’t giving him a chance.” Giles’ eyebrows rose. “I want to believe him, Giles, I really do, and I think part of me does anyway – but I can’t take that risk! Especially not with a baby; if it all turned out to be a trick I’d have signed her death sentence as well as my own.”

Giles sighed. “I wish I knew what to tell you, Buffy.”

“Tell me if vampires can love without a soul.”

“I don’t know.” Giles thought. “I’ve never met one who I know could – but, as a theory, I suppose I have heard of more implausible ones that turned out to be true. I couldn’t say, Buffy.”

“Suppose it doesn’t really matter now. I already kicked him out of town.”

The baby was awake now, her big blue eyes gazing around at the world.

“She looks so much like him,” Buffy murmured. Giles put a hand on her shoulder and she smiled sadly, grateful for the touch of comfort. “You know, I think she looks a bit like his mom as well. She was a lovely woman.” She paused. “Wonder what happened to her.”

“What was her name?” Giles asked.

“Anne.” A thought struck Buffy, and she stared as her daughter’s mouth curled in her first smile. “Giles, look!”

“She’s smiling,” he said, a huge grin on his own face.

“I think she likes it.” Buffy glanced up at Giles. “Anne Summers?”

TBC …