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Chapter 17


Spike lay sprawled on the bed, his face hidden in the pillow beneath, the fabric smooth and silky against his tired skin. It felt as if he’d lived lifetimes.


Darla and Dru avoided him like the plague, saying he was even more irritable than usual. Apparently, his silent treatment was enough for them to leave him alone and go have fun on their own. They left the night before and probably crashed somewhere else due to the sun coming up.


Despair clutched at him, had been refusing to let go for the last few days. He couldn’t remember what it felt like.


To be happy.


It had been exactly one year. 365 days since he’d last seen Buffy’s face. The stretch of time made him feel as if eternity had passed since then and at the same time, losing her could have happened yesterday for the pain still imprinted on his heart.


All his energy left him and all he could do was just lie there and wallow in self pity with limbs splayed and useless and her hair tie twined around his hand. The fabric was worn out and tinted black from being carried around in the pocket of his black jeans for so long. Some threads had come undone.


'Buffy.'


God, even thinking her name hurt. It would be sacrilege to even try to say it out loud. He didn’t dare whisper it anymore; her sweet name should never have to pass such an unworthy mouth. Her memory didn’t deserve to be tainted by the likes of him.


Yet, his stubborn brain kept flinging at him the memory of her lovely smile and trusting eyes, tormenting him with something he could never touch again. She was beyond his reach. He pictured her sitting on a cloud in a white billowing dress as a gentle breeze ruffled her golden hair. Her face glowed with inner light that had always made him feel warm. He had no doubt heaven was the place Buffy would go. She’d been the epitome of kindness.


'Befriended a useless wanker like me, didn’t she? And look where it got her.'


If she had stayed away from him, she would be alive right now. How did he always manage to fuck everything up? His mother should never have gotten pregnant. Everyone would be happier if he didn’t exist. Why did Drusilla and Darla save him? They should have left him bleed to death, let the hellhounds take him to the place he’d inevitably end up anyway. Let him be shredded and torn apart, for what was he without her?


Nothing but a ghost, full of rage.


If she could see the things he’d done, she wouldn’t be smiling at him. Her beautiful face would be stained with tears, her mouth twisted in revulsion at what he’d allowed himself to become. She’d never understand why he did what he did. There was no excuse.


How long could he carry on like this?


He could feel the flaring anger slowly simmering down every day, leaving nothing but the horrible pain and guilt behind. What would happen when he finally ran out of the only emotion keeping him sane?


Spike lifted himself to a sitting position and pushed himself to his feet, his stomach laden with a cold weight. His entire being was torn between smashing up the carefully arranged furniture in a fit of self pity and running until his legs couldn’t carry him anymore. His duster was tossed carelessly on a chair and he walked towards it with a new purpose burning in his heart.


He knew what he had to.


*********


Faith watched Buffy stagger as she walked towards the club entrance. She ran to catch up with her in case she got into some trouble. Who knew Buffy couldn’t hold her liquor? At all.


“Hey, B. Wait up.”


Buffy swirled on her heel, almost falling on her ass in the process. Her lips widened in a hazy unfocused smile. “Faith! I’m a drunken, drunken Buffy!”


Faith shook her head in amusement and led Buffy to one of the stools, helping her sit on it. Buffy had been miserable the whole day, at first refusing to have a sip of Giles’ scotch even though she’d said she would. As the sun set, Buffy had changed her mind, saying she needed something to dull the misery. She’d downed a couple of shots before Faith could blink. Now she had an inebriated Buffy on her hands.


Being the Slayer obviously did nothing for her constitution. It also did nothing for her stubbornness. Buffy kept insisting they go to the club to have the colourful drinks with little umbrellas in them and dance, threatening to go alone when Faith hesitated. Now she knew what it felt like for Buffy to baby-sit her every time she had a bit more to drink. Not that Faith minded, but her friend was a tough one to keep an eye on.


Buffy sprung up from her seat and disappeared in the crowd. Faith cursed, trying to keep track of her friend.


She found her drinking beer straight from the bottle, obviously having taken it from the befuddled looking guy standing next to her.


Buffy spotted her and grinned. “Look… beer!”


The guy regarded her with an irritated expression and said, “Do you mind? That was mine.”


Faith walked over to them and smiled at him flirtingly, biting her lip and batting her eyelashes. No guy ever resisted her charms. “I’m sure you don’t mind… do you?”


He looked kind of nerdy and Faith wasn’t surprised when he blushed. “I-I guess not.” He stretched out his arm, waiting for her to shake it. “I’m Chris.”


Faith took it and shook. “Faith. And this thief here is Buffy.”


Buffy took that moment to finish off the beer and belched in a very unladylike fashion. “What about Buffy?”


“Great, she’s talking about herself in third person. That can’t be good.” She took Buffy’s arm and dragged her away before shooting an apologetic grin at Chris.


“He was totally checking out your boobs,” Buffy said and furrowed her brows as she glanced down at hers. “Why are yours bigger than mine?”


“No more drinks for you tonight.”


“Why? Buffy wants fun.”


“Yeah, well… Buffy needs to slow it down a bit. You’re gonna feel shitty tomorrow.”


“I feel shitty every day,” she whispered then graced her with another plastic smile. “But I feel fuzzy now… heh… fuzzy. Fuzzy!”


“Alright, I hear you. No need to yell. Fuzzy. Got it.” She pushed her down onto a chair. “Now, sit your ass down and stay here. I’m gonna bring you something to drink.” Something with caffeine in it. “God help you if I don’t find you here when I get back. Stay. Here.”


Buffy nodded and crossed her heart. She watched Faith head to the bar before she shot to her feet. Her brain felt as if it were encased in cotton, the pain dulled along with it. At least this once, she could just have fun without that twisting ache digging into her insides. She staggered, the floor swaying beneath her unsteady feet.


'Whoa!'


“Ugh… Stupid room… stop moving.”


Someone clasped a hand around her forearm. Male someone. “Need some help, little girl?”


Buffy scowled at him. “Let go… butthead.”


He just laughed. “I’m wounded. Now, what about one dance?”


Buffy’s eyebrows shot so high she was convinced they hit her hairline. She’d tell him to stop manhandling her if it weren’t for the fact that even thinking the long word induced a headache. Instead she shrugged and caught his hand in a firm grip. Then twisted.


He let out a yell and backed away from her, muttering about crazy bitches. Buffy didn’t particularly care and continued on her way towards the bathroom.


She was just about to go in when she saw it. A pale, tackily dressed man leading a young naïve coed out of the bar and right into the dark alleyway behind. With no fear, Buffy followed them out, the metal door banging shut behind her.


Her loud steps obviously didn’t deter the vampire from shoving the girl into the shadows and sinking his teeth into her neck. Buffy narrowed her eyes and caught up to them, poking the clueless vampire in the shoulder.


He turned around with a snarl and tossed the girl aside who promptly ran away, one hand holding her neck.


“Didn’t anyone tell you how rude--”


He punched her in the face before she could finish her sentence, and now she was really mad.


She growled and hit him across the face before shoving him against the wall. She was about to whip a stake from the waistband of her jeans when she realized she didn’t have any. Seeing the opportunity, the vampire laughed and kicked her in the stomach before smashing her face against his knee as she doubled over.


Her balance was off due to the alcohol consumption and she fell down. The vampire straddled her in a blink of eye and pinned her arms to the ground. Buffy experienced a sudden moment of clarity. Was this how she was going out? Before she could have her revenge? In a dirty alley, spit out chewing gum stuck to her butt, drained by a vampire with no fashion sense?


His fangs grazed her neck as she struggled, trying to wriggle her way from beneath him. For one second she contemplated giving in, just letting him kill her. It would be over. All the pain, the fear, the loss. All of it. She could be free and maybe—just maybe—William would be on the other side waiting for her.


'William.'


She wouldn’t give up so easily, wouldn’t give a pathetic demon the satisfaction of breaking her. She closed her eyes and concentrated all her energy before somersaulting backwards with a firm grip on the vampire, effectively ending up on the top as the vampire stared at her in confusion. She grinned humourlessly and ripped his head clean off before he could let out a word.


It was when she stood up that she realized she had company. Three vampires materialized from the shadows and she braced herself, her head clear.


They wouldn’t know what hit them.


In that moment, the door slammed open and Faith run out, letting out a sigh of relief at the sight of Buffy unharmed. She spotted the company and tossed Buffy a stake before she joined her at her side.


They shared a hungry look before giving the vampires all they had.


********


Just one time that she wasn’t being responsible--just once--and the universe decided to punish her anyway. Someone up there must have really hated her. “Ow.”


Faith patted Buffy on the shoulder. “Stop whining, girlfriend. You knew what you were getting into.”


God, her head was pounding, and at the rate she was going, she’d probably be the reason of American water supply drying up. She’d never been more thirsty in her life.


“Not really. I’m never drinking booze again. It’s not worth it.”


They had dispatched the vampires in a few minutes, Faith sustaining a couple of injuries, but nothing serious. Buffy would never have forgiven herself if her friend had gotten seriously hurt because of her.


“I’m sorry, you know. For getting you into trouble,” Buffy said.


“Nah. You know me. Always up for a tussle.” Faith sensed an opportunity to guilt her friend into something she’d been trying to make Buffy do for weeks. “Though I gotta admit I was scared shitless when I couldn’t find you.”


Buffy glanced at her guiltily. “Don’t let me drink again. Ever.” She pouted. “Forgive me?”


Faith appeared to mull it over. “I don’t know. I might… under one condition.”


“What condition?”


“Blind date.”


“Huh? You wanna go on a blind date with me? Isn’t that kind of pointless?”


Faith chuckled and slapped Buffy on the back. “Ah, B. You dirty girl. Didn’t know you swung that way.”


Buffy’s jaw dropped open and she stared at her in horror. “What? No! No, no, no, no! That totally wasn’t what I meant! I mean not that you’re not… you know… attractive, but--”


“Chill out, B. I was just teasing.”


“Oh. Well… good.” Then Buffy scowled at her when she laughed. “Not funny.”


“It was a bit. Now… the blind date. I met this really cool guy that would be the perfect rebound for you.”


Buffy let out an annoyed sigh. “You know I’m not up to it. All men are sleazy idiots.”


“Geez, I’m not asking you to marry him. Just go out, have fun. Let him pay for dinner. Have sex… I don’t care. Just… You can’t keep dwelling on the memories or it’s gonna drive you crazy. William is gone, Buffy, and it’s just one date. Come on… Just go this once, and it’ll be the last time you ever hear me mention it.”


“And you’re telling me you won’t… not once… say the ‘date’ word?”


“Nope.”


“Okay, fine. But you better keep your promise.”


She could ditch the guy after the first hour or accidentally break his arm if he went all touchy feely on her. She wouldn’t even let him get close enough to try. So why did it feel as if she was betraying William?


*********


Two hours away, Spike swaggered into a pub, relishing the terror pouring out of the local demons.


“So, fellas. Anyone know where I can find the Slayer?”


TBC