CHAPTER SIXTEEN


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There was absolute silence. Painful, nerve-wracking silence. Six pairs of eyes stared at her in various stages of shock and confusion. Only one looked at her differently, with something like admiration: Spike, of course. Long seconds had gone by since she had made her announcement and her friends remained silent. Not even Xander, who could always be counted on to talk without thinking it through. They just stared at her, until the weight of their stares forced her eyes to the floor.

“How long have you known?”

Dawn’s voice broke the silence, finally, but did nothing to ease the tension in every muscle of Buffy’s body. She raised her head and met her sister’s tearful gaze.

“Almost as long as I’ve been back.”

There was silence again, shorter this time. Now Dawn had spoken out, the rest would follow.

“But… how?” Xander asked, “How did this happen?”

“I don’t know.”

Spike gave a snort and attention turned to him briefly before returning to her.

“It was me, wasn’t it?” Willow spoke up, “The spell… bringing you back…”

“Told you magic like that always has consequences,” Spike said in a low voice and Willow turned to him with a look of despair.

“Spike,” Buffy pleaded.

“What? It’s true.”

“I don’t know why this happened,” Buffy spoke up, “It just did. And there’s nothing I can do to change that.”

She sighed and let out a shaky breath.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Giles asked.

“I was afraid… I thought… I thought you wouldn’t trust me to keep you safe anymore,” she ended on a whisper.

“And what of your own safety?” Giles replied softly.

She smiled sadly, her eyes flicking to Spike.

“I didn’t think about that.”

“You got hurt,” Dawn spoke up, “That bruise… and that other time, when you said you’d been in a bad fight…”

“Dawnie-“

“And you knew!”

Dawn rounded on Spike, pointing a finger at him angrily, “You knew and you didn’t stop her!”



Buffy went to her sister’s side, shaking her head at Spike and stopping him before he could respond. She took Dawn’s arm, forcing her to look at her, and then looking over her friends, who were regarding the vampire in astonishment.

“It’s not Spike’s fault,” she said calmly, “He tried to stop me loads of times.” She sighed and met his gaze, “I didn’t listen.”

His expression softened and she looked away, returning her attention to her friends.

“I didn’t want to listen because I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t have that power anymore. And I… it’s been my job, my life, for so long now and I… I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“You’re still my sister,” Dawn spoke up with a tiny smile.

Buffy couldn’t help but smile and she and her sister exchanged a hug.

“We could have helped you,” Willow said.

“Yeah, we can patrol,” Xander added, “Those bad guys won’t know what’s hit them.”

She smiled, tears threatening to overwhelm her as her friends sought to reassure her.

“We can certainly keep the Hellmouth safe, even without a Slayer,” Giles said.

“But… will you have to tell the Council?”

“I suppose so. There’s very little they can do though. The line continues with Faith now.”

She nodded slowly.

“I have an idea actually. Follow me.”


She was still trembling slightly as she led the group down into the back corner of the store-room. She finally spotted her target and moved to it, tugging the large sheet that covered it away. Her own face looked back at her.

“The Buffybot?!” Xander got out in surprise.

“Yep.”

Buffy had got a shock when she had stumbled across the slightly ruined remains of the robot in the storeroom one afternoon but now she saw it as a symbol of hope.

“I guess we did use her when you were… not here,” Willow said quietly, “I can fix her up real easy.”

“She looks like me, she fights like me, and she doesn’t get hurt like me,” Buffy said, more hopeful with every moment that passed, “It’s perfect.”

“It would help,” Giles added, regarding the robot speculatively.

“No-one will ever know there’s no Slayer here.”

There was silence over the group for a moment until Xander spoke up.

“It’s just weird. I mean, you’ve always been the Slayer. And now, suddenly you’re not.”

“I know,” she said with a wistful smile.

“It’s okay though,” Willow added with a pointed look at Xander, “I mean, it doesn’t really matter.”

“No, I guess not,” Buffy breathed in reply, finally relaxing.



They stayed at the shop well into the night, talking and going over their plan, until Giles finally suggested it might be time to go home. After exchanging a hug with her Watcher and then with Xander, Buffy set off for home with Dawn, Willow and Tara. They were halfway across town when she stopped.

“You know what, you guys go on without me.”

“Buffy?” Dawn got out in confusion.

“I… There’s someone I need to go see.”

Spike had slipped out not long after she had revealed her plan and she had not had a chance to talk to him… to thank him. Dawn seemed to understand and nodded.

“You’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be fine, Dawnie,” she reassured her sister, giving her a quick hug, “I’ll see you guys later.”

They moved off towards Revello Drive as she turned her steps towards Restfield Cemetery, her heart thumping in her chest.



She reached Spike’s crypt in no time – thankful that she had not banged into any demons – and knocked lightly on the door before pushing it open. Spike was standing in the middle of the room and looked up when she came in, as if he had been waiting for her.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

There was an awkward silence and when their gazes met, she gave him a shaky smile.

“You were right.”

His eyes widened in surprise but he said nothing and she moved further into the room.

“I’m sorry. For not listening to you and for generally causing you so much, you know, trouble and stuff.”

“Buffy-“

“I should have told them weeks ago. You were right.”

She sighed and let out a shaky laugh.

“You were right about everything and I’m sorry.”

She met his gaze and was taken aback by the emotion she saw there.

“You don’t need to apologise to me, Buffy,” he got out softly.

“I really do,” she whispered, stepping closer, “I’ve been so stupid. I’ve put everyone I love in danger.”

“They understand.”

“And I hurt you,” she murmured, her eyes fixed on his as she took another step closer, “What I said, about your chip-“

“It doesn’t matter,” he protested.

“It does. I’m sorry.”

She took one last step closer, coming to a halt within inches of him. She raised her hand and tentatively touched it to his cheek.

“I don’t know how I can ever make it up to you.”

“Buffy, you don’t-“

“Shh,” she whispered, touching her fingers to his lips, silencing him.



He watched her warily as she hesitated, briefly, before rising up on her toes and replacing her finger with her lips. At the first touch of their lips she sank into him and he caught her, one arm wrapping tightly around her waist as his other hand touched her neck, holding her close. She held on to him tightly, succumbing – finally – to the feel of his lips against hers, to his cool touch. Letting herself enjoy the way he made her feel cherished, and yet so strong – all at the same time.

They parted and he breathed her name, drawing her eyes to his. He searched her gaze, his eyes filled with bewilderment. She traced her fingers over his jaw, his neck – unable to stop touching him now that she had started.

“I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

He recoiled and released her and she frowned in confusion.

“If this is some sort of thank you –“

“Spike,” she said, stopping him and moving close to him again, “It’s not.”

He paused, unsure.

“It’s not?”

“No,” she said seriously, reaching out to touch him – desperate for that connection.

“You-you got a pretty bad knock to the head today,” Spike got out, moving away from her again and this time to a safe distance. She watched him with a mixture of confusion and amusement.

“Am I missing something here? I’m practically throwing myself at you and you… you’re all the way over there.”

Spike met her gaze, still searching for something in her eyes.

“Buffy, I love you.”

“I know,” she breathed, bringing him to a temporary halt.

“You know I’m always here for you. Whatever you need, whatever you want…”

“But?”

“But I can’t let you use me like that. I can’t do it, love. Being so close to you and knowing…”


He trailed off and his gaze fell to the floor, his whole body sagging. She crossed the room to him but kept her distance, waiting for him to raise his eyes to hers. When he finally did so, he looked torn.

“What is it going to take to make you realise that I want you?” she whispered earnestly.

“Buffy,” he whispered, his eyes closing as he fought for control.

“The way you make me feel… The way you look at me…”

Burning blue eyes met hers and she felt the electricity pulse between them like a jolt.

“I need you, Spike.”

In a matter of seconds she was in his arms and as his lips met hers, the last of the tension in her body drained away.