A/N: As I promised! ;) Beta'd by dawnofme and Mabel Marsters.




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Chapter 43


No matter how much he wanted to create distance between them, she’d just follow him until he told her what was going on here.


“Spike, you’re scaring me. What happened?”


Breath caught in his throat before he lifted his gaze to hers. The torment reflected back at her stunned her deeply. His trembling fingers curled into the fabric of her t-shirt, but he still seemed terrified to get any closer. She slipped her arms around his waist to pull him into her embrace.


At that, Spike collapsed against her, and she had to brace herself so they wouldn’t fall to the floor. His tears soaked her shoulder, as he crumbled right in her arms. She had no idea what to do so she just held him tighter, pressing a kiss into his hair.


“Shh. Whatever it is, we’ll deal. I promise.”


He shook his head and pushed her away, a grimace on his face as he angrily wiped tears away. She just stood there, not knowing what to say or do. The hands at his sides clenched into fists before he spun away and picked up the nearest object—a vase—and threw it at the wall.


Before she could blink, he was standing in front of her, staring at her with red-rimmed eyes that oozed desperation. “Why are you here?”


“Because I was worried about you. Obviously, I was right to be.”


“You should have dusted me the first time you laid eyes on me after I became…. this. Do yourself a favour,” he said with en empty laugh. “Do the whole bloody world a favour.”


“What?”


He started to laugh, as if listening to a private joke she couldn’t hear. “’S so funny, right? I’ve always appreciated a good irony but this just takes the cake… this is what I get. Trying to do the right thing. Trying so fucking hard all the time, finally thinking I found the solution to it all. To be someone. Should have known better.”


She tried to sort through his babbling, but it was hard to think when he was so close to her, his face twisted with so many emotions it was hard to keep track. “Spike, what are you talking about?”


“William, of course. Me.”


“I-I don’t-”


He clasped her shoulders and leaned into her ear. “Can’t see them, can you? They remember what I’ve done. Didn’t regret it then. Can’t change it now.”


“See who? Spike… just tell me what the hell is going on here! I haven’t heard from you for days and now I come here, and you’re spewing all kinds of nonsense, and I just want you to tell me…”


He put distance between them again, two steps out of her each. “I hurt you.”


She sighed. “I told you it was oka-”


“But it’s not. Made a promise and I keep breaking it. Over and over. You see… vampire here, yeah? I could smell it… just a tiny drop of it, but still… fear. Made all the difference this time, you being afraid of me. Can’t have that.”


She opened her mouth to say something, but he lifted his finger and pressed it against her lips to silence her, then dropped his hand. “Know what you’re gonna say. You just didn’t expect it. I surprised you. But your body doesn’t lie. Somewhere deep inside, you felt it… You thought I wouldn’t be able to stop. I know you trust me though I don’t deserve it, but… the thing is… I didn’t trust myself. So I… I fixed it.”


He lifted his chin and pinned her with a daring gaze, challenging her to contradict him or to agree. She felt as though the pit of her stomach dropped out. Fixed it? Fixed it how?


“What did you do?”


He chuckled. “I went and got it. The part of me… the part you fell in love with in the first place. Funny thing is…” He splayed his hand across his chest. “It’s been here all along. Hidden and torn. No excuses. All the things I’ve done, the people I… no one else to blame. I just… wanted them to hurt. Took the edge off…I got to forget for a second.


“And now… I’m whole,” he said with a snort. “Heart, body and…”


The corner of his lips lifted in a self-deprecating smile.


Wheels were spinning in her mind so fast she felt faint. Wasn’t this what Giles told her all about? What she had been so convinced of herself? Demons were soulless monsters. Nothing more. Only it wasn’t true anymore, was it? Not in Spike’s case.


“Oh God… you… how?”


“Found a witch to help a fella out.”


She was drawn to him, searching his eyes for anything different, but he was… he was the same. William. Spike. Both man and a demon.


“Why?”


“So I’d be a man worthy of you,” he said mockingly, as if realizing how ridiculous the very notion was. “Didn’t realize the soul would only confirm how much I’ve never been wor-”


She cut him off with a hard kiss, her lips bruising his as she cupped the back of his neck and forced him closer. At first, he resisted but it wasn’t long before his lips turned pliant under hers. What he did… it was a sacrifice she would never have asked. She’d have loved him regardless, because he was still her William. But the fact he did do what she thought impossible made her love him even more. Pouring her emotions thought the kiss was the only way she could think of to make him see that.


She parted from him, his breath tickling her lips. “You’ve always been worthy of me.”


“’S not true. Thanks for lying to me though.”


She gripped his chin—hard-- and forced him to look at her. “I am not lying. I know you’re hardly perfect, and what you’ve done… I’ll never forget it, but if you think I’m just going to give up on you, you don’t know me at all.”


He reached out with his hand, his fingers millimeters away from her cheek, and she held her breath. Warmth spread through her when his fingertips grazed her skin warily, his gaze following the motion. “I do know you. I just wish you realized how much pain I’ve caused you.”


“I lost you once and I’m not going through that again. You’re mine, Spike. I never give up on those I love.”


Still not looking her in the eye, he shifted his fingers to comb them through her hair as he whispered, “I love you. And, God help me… I need you. Need you so much.”


“You have me.”


*******


It seemed as though she should stay. He said she should go, but his eyes pleaded with her to not leave him alone and she was helpless to refuse him. Not wanting Faith to worry, she’d called on her cell to tell her she’d be home later. Giles was due to come from his official Council meeting some time now and Faith would pass the message, Buffy was sure.


“You should eat something,” she said and stroked the soft concave of his stomach where she’d slipped her hand beneath his t-shirt as they lay on the bed.


His eyelids were closed, the lashes stark black against his sallow skin. “Not hungry.”


There were shadows under his eyes, the hollows of his cheeks just a bit darker as she raked her gaze over him. His skin seemed fragile, and she was afraid it would tear like paper so she touched him carefully.


“When was the last time you fed?”


He shrugged, the muscles of his stomach tensing beneath her caress. “Can’t remember… before, I think.”


“You need to eat, Spike. You can’t just be starving yourself.”


“It’s not… I just… I lost track of time, is all. Couldn’t move, didn’t want to. I had something in the refrigerator, but it must have gone bad.”


“Maybe I should go get you something?”


She moved to sit up when his hand shot out and clasped around her wrist. “No. Don’t go. Please, stay here. They’re quiet when you’re here.”


His eyes were burning into hers and she reluctantly lay back, sensing more than seeing him relax.


“Who’s quiet, Spike?”


“The ghosts. They’re not around when you’re here.”


“Maybe they’re afraid I’ll slay them.”


He smiled at that and turned on his side to face her. “Yeah. Can’t blame them.”


She ran a finger across his cracked lips and frowned. “I don’t know what to do.”


“What do you mean?”


“You need to drink but you won’t let me go out. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to help you.”


“You’re here. That’s all I need.”


“Spike…”


“Can I ask you something?”


“Not if you’re doing it to change the subject,” Buffy said and entangled her legs with his.


“Nobody knows me the way you do,” he said with a smile then his brows furrowed in thought. “Where do you think my soul will go when I’m dust?”


Buffy leaned away from him then, watching him with serious eyes. “Why would you ask something like that?”


“Don’t rightly know. I’ve just remembered… Tara said that my soul has been torn in between two places, yeah? With the ritual that caused it, I figured it was hell bound and all. That I’ll go there one way or another.”


Buffy gripped his jaw, forcing him to look at her. “Don’t talk like that. You’re not going to h-”


“Where else would I go? I deserve what’s coming to me.”


“Would you stop that? You’re not dusting anytime soon. I won’t let you. And even if it was true, don’t you think I’d fight my way through hell and back to get you out?”


The conviction, the stubbornness etched into the lines of her face made the warmth spread through him. So fierce and overprotective, his girl was.


“Am I your Eurydice now?” he asked, the corner of his mouth quirking up in a reluctant smile.


“You bet your cute little butt you are.” She squeezed the butt in question, making his eyes drift shut in pleasure when she nibbled on his neck. “Nobody lays a hand on you.”


“I love it when you’re all possessive.”


“Whatever comes in our way, we’ll deal with.”


How he wanted to believe her.


“I know we will,” he said.


Tightening his arms around, he let her presence drown his senses. Now wasn’t the time to tell her. The ghosts weren’t the only thing plaguing his mind. Not with the echoes of his nightmares still reverberating through his brain, red eyes of the monster disguised as man flashing with a promise.


'It’s just a matter of time, William, before your soul belongs to me.'


TBC