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Chapter Six
 
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The room was chilly. Goosebumps appeared on Buffy's bare arms. She crossed her arms more tightly together to guard against the cold.

Everybody else in the room was moving except for her and Spike. Willow and Dawn prepared for the spell, handing ingredients and herbs back and forth over a cauldron. Dr. Parkes flipped through her charts while adding vague disapproving noises at the disruption. Kennedy paced in front of the door with her crossbow firmly in hand.

In the midst of all the bustle, Buffy felt like she and Spike were two lone statues. He lay on the bed, unmoving. Not reacting at all to anything going on around him. And though Buffy willed him to look over at her, he kept his gaze on the wall opposite his bed. Around him, Dawn and Willow placed a circle of candles.

Buffy shifted from one foot to the other. "Anything I can do?" she asked for the fifth time.

Willow shook her head. "Almost ready. I'm just gonna need you two to stand back. I don't want the spell accidentally latching onto you guys and bringing out some crazy slayer demon or something."

Dawn grinned at Buffy before continuing to measure out the boldo leaf onto the candle circle.

Buffy wanted to hold Spike's hand, touch his face, something. Her chest ached with every second he continued to ignore her. She tried to tell herself that she just couldn't physically reach him around Dawn and Willow, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to reach him even if they were alone. She hadn't reached him since rescuing him.

"I don't know," Kennedy said. "I think a slayer demon could be interesting." The taller girl moved back against the wall. She hefted the crossbow. Buffy hadn't brought any weapons.

"Okay," Willow said while pushing her hair back. "I think we're ready."

Buffy nodded nervously. She stepped back to stand beside Kennedy. The doctor moved to the doorway.

"Spike?" Buffy asked.

He finally turned his head towards her, though his expression was blank.

"You ready?"

He nodded.

Buffy looked at Willow. "Okay, Will. Go."

Willow smiled, probably in an attempt to be reassuring. She squared off with Dawn so they were on either side of Spike's hospital bed.

"Primos in demon. Et dabis ei potestatem ipsius esse. Liberavi."

The temperature dropped even more. The room felt like an ice closet. A wind teased at Buffy's legs and began to rise as Willow and Dawn started chanting. Buffy kept her attention on Spike, who appeared to be trying to look unaffected. However, his sullen look shifted into a genuine frown, and he began to look around the room as if in fright.

Beside her, Kennedy shifted her grip on her crossbow.

Willow's voice had risen in tenor until she was yelling loudly to the swirling mass of wind and magic centered around Spike. Dawn had stepped back, her own magical limits having been reached. Buffy had to put an arm up to protect her face from the raging tempest churning around the room. With a final command from Willow, the vortex shattered and Spike fell back onto the mattress.

Buffy rushed to him. "Spike!"

Willow wavered on her feet, but Kennedy ran forward and caught her by the elbow. Dawn was left to brace herself against the wall for support.

"He's okay, Buffy," Dawn said while gasping for air. "It worked."

It had. Spike was in vamp face now. His eyes were shut tightly, and his teeth were gritted, revealing healed fangs. Without thinking, Buffy stroked his cheek.

He snapped at her. His body surged up, and his bandaged hands grabbed at her arms. On instinct, Buffy deflected and pinned him back down onto the bed with one hand. Kennedy was by her in an instant.

"Hello, vampire," Kennedy said. Spike's feral growls filled the room.

"This is normal," Willow rushed to say. "This is what the spell's supposed to do. Don't worry, Buffy."

Easy for her to say. Buffy's arm trembled as Spike tried to shake off her confining grip. He snarled like an animal.

"We should get some restraints for him," Kennedy said.

Buffy nodded absently. She couldn't hold him down for the duration of the spell.

"Already on it," Dr. Parkes said. She opened the door and exited the room, satisfied now that the magic had been completed.

As soon as the door shut, though, something changed. Spike's struggle abruptly stopped. His body remained tense, but instead of his aggressive demeanor, he adopted a submissive posture. Buffy frowned.

"Spike?"

He cringed and turned his face away. A high keening noise came from him. It sounded like a wounded dog. Buffy released her grip on him, and he turned his body to the wall and curled into a fetal position.

Buffy looked at Willow. "What's wrong?"

Willow held onto Kennedy's hand. "Nothing. He's still in vampface. He's just...you know, not trying to kill us. Which I think is of the good, right?"

Dawn approached him slowly and reached a hand out to his shoulder. "Spike?" He jerked away. The crying noise increased in volume. Dawn withdrew her hand.

His whimpering wrenched at Buffy's stomach. She wanted to curl up with him and hold him. Comfort him. Anything to keep him from crying like that. Whatever was happening, it was twisting at her soul. She fixed Willow with a stare. "Will, this is not normal."

Willow sighed. "Well, of course it isn't! He had his blood bond taken away! Now that he's all demon-y, the full effect of being cut off from his family is hitting him. But he'll be fine. Once the spell wears off, he'll - "

"Be able to hide the pain again?" Buffy was aghast. She knew the blood bond was a big thing, but she hadn't realized the full impact of it.

"I'm not the one who did this to him," Willow said. "So don't go looking to blame me." She stormed out.

Kennedy gave Buffy an apologetic look, then followed her girlfriend.

Dawn walked around to Buffy's side of the bed. Her gaze was fixed on Spike. "What do we do now, Buffy?"

Buffy sank into the chair. "I'll stay with him. You should go rest. You're probably exhausted from the spell."

Dawn hesitated. "Are you sure?"

Buffy nodded. "I'll stay with him."

* * * * *


Her Angel had done this. Her Angel. The man who had been her first love. He'd helped support her and cared for her. He'd loved her more than anything. She'd trusted him with her life. Just thinking of him conjured images of safety, protection, love.

How could he have done this to someone? Especially someone he knew she cared about?

Spike remained curled up on the bed. Wrenching cries escaped him on every exhalation. Every time, Buffy had to quell the urge to reach out and comfort him.

Willow had been hiding something from her about that blood blond whatever that Angel had taken from Spike. Whatever it was, Buffy needed to know about it - later. Right now, Spike needed her. Okay, so he didn't realize he needed her, but he did, and she sure as hell wasn't going to leave him by himself. Whatever loneliness or despair he felt, she'd still be with him.

"Spike," Buffy said tentatively. "Do you recognize me?"

He shuddered, but he didn't respond. Buffy was taken with the urge to connect. Against her better judgment, she reached to touch his shoulder. He jerked away from her on contact, but she persisted.

"Spike, it's me. Buffy." Getting a grip on his shoulder, she attempted to pull him to face her.

Mistake. She'd let her guard down. He turned on the bed, then lunged into a pounce, knocking her backward onto the floor with him on top of her. His weight was heavy, and his hospital gown hung between them like a fragile barrier. His still-bandaged hands pinned her down. His newly-regrown fangs were already plunged into her throat, and he'd sucked in a mouthful of her blood before Buffy could even process what had happened.

She reacted more on instinct than anything else. Her knee jerked up into his groin. He released his grip, and his fangs withdrew from her flesh. She brought an open hand to his solar plexus and threw him back against the railing of the bed.

Buffy came up to a crouch, hand to her bleeding throat. He remained where he fell and growled at her, more animal than human.

"Spike, I don't want to hurt you," she said.

Buffy almost missed it in her own distress: his eyes wandered to the side of the room where the window was. The blinds were shut tight, of course, to protect against the sun. Just as quickly as he glanced at it, though, he looked back at her.

"Spike?"

Then he was back on his feet. He'd already made it to the window before she could stand up. The blinds were shoved to the side, exposing Spike to the full light of the sun. Smoke began to fill the room.

Buffy yelled and pulled him back. The blinds fell back into place with a rustling noise. Spike fell onto the floor, smoke still rising from his skin. Dizziness from blood loss overcame Buffy - having to stand up so quickly having taken its toll - and she collapsed onto the floor beside him.

"What do you think you're doing?" she cried out. "Why?"

All her nerves were on alert, her insides were empty. So many things she wanted to say - to yell - at him, but she couldn't find the words in her panic.

Spike was still in his demon face. He stared at the floor with his muscles slack. Lifeless. Like he'd given up.

Then he spoke to her, exercising his regenerated tongue and speaking for the first time since she'd rescued him.

"Go away."

* * * * *


Kennedy hefted the stake, reaffirming her iron-clad grip on it. Spike appeared to be sleeping, but she couldn't take any chances.

Buffy had called her and asked her to watch Spike. Kennedy wasn't a fool. She'd noticed the fresh bite marks on Buffy's neck as she'd left. Spike had gotten dangerous.

That was to be expected with the spell Willow had done. Though if Kennedy were completely honest, she'd admit that she wasn't surprised even without the spell. Vampires were dangerous. That's why she killed them.

Despite that, it was difficult not to feel some sympathy for this vampire. Willow hadn't chosen to elaborate on her outburst earlier. Instead, she'd gone back to their room and closed the bedroom door. Kennedy assumed she was sleeping, but she wasn't blind to the tension that had built up. There were secrets being kept. Kennedy worried when Willow did that. Her girlfriend had a tendency to take on the weight of responsibility for everyone's happiness. Kennedy wanted to alleviate that somehow.

Her cellphone rang, interrupting the still calm of the hospital room. It was Dawn. Kennedy pushed the talk button.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Buffy called and asked me to watch Spike with you. I'll be over in about an hour. I was sleeping off the spell."

Kennedy rolled her eyes. "Guess Buffy doesn't trust me with her vampire."

"What?"

"Never mind. I'll be here."

Dawn gave a curt good-bye before hanging up.

Kennedy had a great respect for Buffy, but the woman could be fussy about her loved ones. Somehow, Kennedy alone didn't pass muster for Buffy as far as watching Spike went.

She was slipping her phone into her back pocket when there was a knock on the door. Kennedy turned in her chair. A tall man with dark hair and a long leather coat stood at the entryway. He held a bouquet of flowers. Her slayer senses told her he was a vampire.

She stood, bracing her stake. "Who are you?"

He held his hands in front of him in a peaceful gesture. "Easy. My name is Angel. I'm a friend of Buffy's - and Spike's. I was concerned so I came to visit him."

Angel. The other souled vampire. Kennedy looked back at her charge, who continued to face away from her, not moving.

"He's sleeping," she said. She lowered the stake.

"No problem. I just want to see how he's doing."

Angel and Spike were family, right? Maybe he could help Spike's condition. Willow had told her about Spike losing his blood bond somehow. If that was the cause of the problem, then a vampire family member would be ideal to help. It'd be a huge load of Willow's mind if Angel could fix everything.

Nodding, Kennedy stepped aside and motioned him in.

"I'll leave you two some privacy."

* * * * *


"What is this? An inquisition?" Buffy defensively crossed her arms as she faced both Willow and Xander.

When Xander had gotten involved, Buffy didn't know. She'd been careful to keep him away from this whole ordeal, just so she could avoid his inevitable scrutiny and judgment. Willow must have called him in as reinforcement, though. The two presented a united front to Buffy.

Indeed, the library had been cleared out. Usually, a handful of watchers would be in here studying. Now it was just the three of them.

"Did Spike bite you?" Xander's eye immediately fell to the bandaged wound on her neck. He looked about to jump from his chair.

Buffy motioned for him to remain seated. "He is extra-demony right now. We expected this, right Willow?"

Willow nodded. The redhead sagged in her seat, looking pallid and exhausted from the spell she'd done. Buffy had a feeling she shouldn't be up and active right now. This was important, though.

"So what I need to know," Buffy continued. "Is what you're holding back from me. And I know you are. Spike's behavior is...not right. So what don't you want me to know?"

Xander and Willow looked at each other, sharing one of those silent communications that Buffy had grown to hate over the years. It just served to emphasize how very distant she was from them sometimes.

Xander spoke first. "Buffy, what happened to Spike was terrible. You know I'm the last person to say it, but the guy didn't deserve that. But we don't want you rushing off and doing something stupid out of pity or something - "

"Why don't you tell me what the situation is before telling me what I can and can't do?"

That got him to shut up. Xander looked to Willow, conceding the floor.

Willow leaned forward heavy on her elbows. "You know Angel took away Spike's blood bond. That's a major significant thing for a vampire."

"Exactly how so?"

Willow fidgeted with one of the open texts in front of her. "Vampires are family-based. Their existence is tied to their bloodline. If they're severed from that line, they're...adrift. On an existential level."

"What she's saying," Xander interjected at Buffy's confused look. "Is that Angel basically sucked any sense of belonging from Spike."

Willow nodded. "Right. Vampires who have been cut off from their family almost always end up dusting themselves because the pain of existing alone for an eternity is too great."

Buffy blinked. "Angel did that to Spike?"

"Always knew that guy was a winner," Xander interjected.

Buffy couldn't even bring herself to defend Angel. There was nothing to defend. She'd known the blood bond thing would be difficult for Spike to overcome, but this...she hadn't expected this.

"So," Buffy said. "Why all the secrecy? This is stuff I need to know to help Spike."

"Well, it's the helping Spike part that we're kinda...worried about..." Willow's voice trailed off and she looked to Xander for support.

"Listen, Buff, we know you want to help Spike," Xander took up the reins again. "We want to help you help Spike as much as possible. But the kindest thing you could do right now is - "

"Don't you dare tell me to stake him, Xander." Buffy gritted her teeth. "There is no way I would do that. Now what are you hiding from me?"

With a glance, Xander handed the reins back to a reluctant Willow. It was like the two were playing an elaborate game of doubles tennis, just with Buffy's team having one person.

"Okay," Willow exhaled a worried breath. "In the past, one vampire did survive being cut off from his family. It involved entering into a bond with a human. It kinda approximates a vampire familial bond, just without the vampire family. The vampire and human are tied to each other. Forever."

Buffy nodded. She was afraid she knew what Willow was trying to tell her, but she couldn't help the embers of hope burning inside her. "And you don't want me doing this with Spike?"

"Buffy, this is, like, crazy creepo territory," Xander said. "You'd be immortal. I mean, that isn't something you do just to keep Spike from suffering."

"Right, it's something I do if I want to spend the rest of my newly eternal life with him," Buffy finished Xander's thought.

He nodded.

She got it. Why Willow had hidden this from her. It was huge - bonding with Spike. It was beyond any human commitment. It would be tying herself, eternally, to him. She'd only just decided to try a relationship with Spike about a month ago. She couldn't possibly justify jumping into something like that.

But what if it would save Spike's life?

"I'm not gonna rush into anything, guys. Right now, I just want to help Spike. And to do so, I need all the info you have." She shook her head. "I don't want to lose him again."

When she looked up, the expressions on her friends' faces were comforting. With a surrendered sigh, Buffy dropped into the chair across from the two of them. She ooched forward, setting her head down on her elbows.

Xander's calloused hand patted her arm. "We're gonna help you, Buff. Whatever you need."

Buffy nodded against the desk. She picked her head up slightly. "Tell me more about this vampire-human bond thingy."

* * * * *


"Spike would much rather be dusted than go home with you."

He'd been right. Marvin. He'd let Buffy kill him knowing that doing so would be the path to the most torment for her and Spike. Vengeance served.

Buffy had learned a new word: "claiming". An outdated ceremonial bond between two beings - usually two vampires. However, there were a couple cases of claims being made between a human and a vampire. Doing so made a link between them, not unlike the familial blood bond. This claim could possibly bring Spike back from his suicidal crisis.

But the cost of doing so? A human who entered into a claim with a vampire was made immortal. If one is killed, the other dies, too. It's a bond unlike anything she'd ever contemplated, and she knew that doing a claim with Spike now would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. She knew it, and he'd know it. Then they'd be left, stuck together for eternity without wanting to be with each other.

She couldn't possibly do that to him.

The walk down the hospital hallway took forever. Buffy hadn't been sure if she should even check up on Spike given what had happened earlier. He'd tried to get her to stake him by attacking her. Now, though, she felt better prepared to deal with him, thanks to her talk with Willow and Xander. Maybe she could alleviate his pain somehow.

When she turned the corner, she was surprised to see Kennedy sitting outside Spike's closed door. Maybe Dr. Parkes was checking on him?

"What's wrong?" Buffy asked, approaching Kennedy.

Kennedy stood. "Nothing. Angel came and wanted some time alone with him. I thought - "

"Angel?" Buffy didn't let her finish her sentence. She had already slammed the door open and darted into the room. A confused Kennedy was right behind her.

Buffy stopped as if running into a wall as she took in the scene before her. Angel stood next to Spike's bedside, hunched over with his bare arm at Spike's mouth. Spike drank from him with frantic slurping noises. Spike, himself, had bright red puncture wounds on his neck. Buffy gasped for breath.

"Stop," she said with less force than she'd intended.

Angel looked up at her entrance. He smiled. With a light touch on Spike's head, he signaled for Spike to stop drinking. Angel pulled his arm away, rolling down his sleeves.

"Wait," Kennedy said, running in front of Buffy. "Nobody told me that Angel's the bad guy here."

Buffy couldn't even focus on the other slayer. She shoved her to the side.

"I warned you - " Buffy said to Angel. Her voice shook. Kennedy, wisely, remained out of the way.

"I'm helping him," Angel spread his arms out in a conciliatory gesture.

With only a couple of steps, Buffy had bridged the distance between them. She grabbed Angel by the collar and threw him against the wall, away from Spike. Anything to get him away from Spike.

"What did you do?" Buffy fetched her stake from her back pocket, more than ready to use it.

"I claimed him, Buffy." Angel sounded annoyed. "It's the only way - the only thing that could help him. He's mine now. We're linked. You kill me, you kill him."

She shook her head. "Why would you 'help' him now? You're the reason he's hurt in the first place!"

"I'm just trying to make things right by you."

"By me?"

"What's the alternative? Were you going to claim him?"

His question had the effect of slapping her across the face. It stunned her out of her anger. No. She wasn't going to claim Spike. She couldn't. Not like this.

Her silence reverberated around the room.

"You weren't," Angel said. "So I had to. And now I'm gonna take him back to L.A. with me."

She shook her head. "Like hell you are - "

"Let me talk to her alone," Spike said, shattering the turbulent haze surrounding Buffy and Angel. Buffy turned to him, afraid of what she'd see.

Spike was back in his human face. Willow and Dawn's spell must have run its course. His gaze was lowered to his lap, though, and he refrained from making any eye contact with either Buffy or Angel. His expression was wane, and his eyes were dead. Angel might as well have driven her stake through her own heart.

Angel treated her to a cocky, knowing look. With a nod to Spike, he turned to leave.

"Buffy?" Kennedy asked, obviously not sure what she should do.

Buffy took a deep breath and motioned for Kennedy to leave.

When the door closed, Buffy crossed her arms, steeling herself for whatever was to come.

"Buffy," Spike said.

"No," she cut him off. "No, Spike, you're not going with Angel. He's the one who did this to you. I'm not letting him hurt you anymore."

Spike's head shot up. He looked angry, which was at least an improvement from his earlier look of defeat. "You think I want to go with the bastard? I know exactly what he's doing, and it pisses me the fuck off."

"Then don't go." Buffy took two steps toward the bed. Not as close as she wanted to be, but closer than she dared. "Stay."

"Little late now, isn't it? He claimed me. Being separated from him will be the end of me this early on. Have to go."

"We can reverse the claim - "

"Not possible."

Buffy fell silent, at a loss for any argument to make him stay beyond, 'Because I need you to'. Spike's gaze had returned to his lap. She wanted to embrace him, have him look at her, promise her that he'll not go. Instead, she remained standing fast where she was. "Why'd you let him claim you?"

Spike startled, looking up at her.

"You let him, right?"

He nodded.

"Why?"

Spike sighed. "It's unbearable, Buffy. This. Being cut off. Only thing to do is dust myself, but you won't let me do that. Not even if I bite you." Buffy's hand reflexively went to the wound he'd left her. "Going with Angel, I have a better chance of offing myself than if I stay here."

His words were a brutal assault to her. She recoiled. "So you let him claim you because it'd be easier for you to kill yourself?"

Spike looked away. His gaze began to wander around the room like he was looking for an escape route.

"After everything - everything - I've done to help you. No, before that. Letting me think you were dead for almost a year, then giving me the smallest bit of hope that things could work out. Then...just let me save you, Spike!"

"It's not about you, Buffy." His attention landed on the folded clothes Dawn had thought to lay out for him, just in case he was tired of the hospital gown. He remained focused on it. "Think I don't want things the way they were before? Can't do it, though. Not anymore."

"Not if you just give up and decide killing yourself is the way to fix things!"

"And what's your way to fix things?" he snapped. "You wanna claim me?"

The same question Angel had asked her. Again, she had no response.

She knew there was no alternative. She knew she was lashing out, railing against...everything. Spike wanting to die, Marvin having been right, losing him, loving him...

After a few moments of heavy silence, Spike snorted. "Yeah, course not."

"It's not like that," Buffy said, though her voice was weak. All of the fight had abandoned her, and now she was left exposed and helpless.

"Doesn't really matter the whys, does it?" Spike swung his legs over the side of the bed. Buffy's own legs went weak. He was really leaving.

"Please," she said. "Stay." She couldn't keep her words from trembling.

Spike pointedly refused to look at her. He grabbed his clothes and yanked off the sheer hospital gown. His hands shaking as he tugged his jeans on betrayed his true feelings.

Buffy closed her eyes against the onslaught, desperately hoping this was a nightmare. "I love you," she said.

When she opened her eyes, Spike stood right in front of her. His face was still hard, though his eyes glistened. He grabbed her by the back of the head and pulled her towards him to smash his lips against hers. His kiss exhausted her, taking all of her hope, her love, her strength. Connected by breath and by Spike's hand tangled in her hair, yet the chasm between their bodies remained. Buffy couldn't allow herself to cross it as the knowledge that this kiss may be the last sat heavy in the back of her mind. She couldn't allow herself to get so close when doing so would make the devastation of his pulling away that much worse. Even still, she wanted to stay in this one moment as long as possible. Too soon, he pulled away with a growl.

"I could never stop," he said.

He released his grip on her and walked past her to leave. Buffy didn't turn as the door closed behind her.

Endnote: This concludes the first part of this story. I plan to start posting the next part no later than 12/26. Thanks for all the comments so far, and I hope you will continue to read.
 
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