“So you finally accept that not all soulless vampires are evil?”

I groaned. I should have known Spike wouldn’t let the matter rest, but I’d decided not to tell him about my I-want-to-be-with-you revelation before my seven days were up. “I do.”

“And that I love you?”

“Yes, Spike.”

“All right.” He was flustered, and I still had enough darkness in me to enjoy it. “As long as we’re clear on that.”

“We’re clear.” I nodded. “Now, can we sleep, please?”

“Quite.”

Quite? I had to fight all my instincts to maintain a straight face at that. “Then, do you want to maybe take off your boots? And come under the covers?”

I was muttering under my breath that he could come anywhere, when he finally kicked his boots off. “I heard that!”

“My bad.” I smirked. The man is so weird! I’d thrown myself at him time and again while staying at his crypt, and he’d reacted with anything but shyness, yet one little kiss—and the admission I believed his declarations of love—had destroyed his defenses. Tossing the covers back carefully, so nothing showed under the tee I had on, I asked, “Will you get in already?”

He shifted upwards in the bed and dragged on top of him. “This doesn’t mean I said yes to your rule,” he said, his eyelids already drifting shut. “You have one last lesson tomorrow.”

“It is tomorrow,” I complained half-heartedly, trying to make myself comfortable. Hard abs: good for sexy times, bad as a mattress.

“Get some kip. Tomorrow starts after we’ve rested.” He kissed the crown of my head, and I raised my face to his, to capture his lips one more time before sleep claimed me.

***

I thought he was talking to himself when I opened my eyes. Then I realized he was talking to me.

“This is the most important lesson. You have to remember it no matter how things go now on.”

I blinked hazily and reached to pull him back into bed, but he evaded my fingers and kept pacing.

“You will always have to fight. Always. Be it for your beliefs, your wants, or the safety of the world. But you won’t always have to let that cost you your soul.”

Huh?

“You have to learn to stand by your choic—” He stopped suddenly and spun on his heel, facing me with wide eyes. “This isn’t about me. You have to believe this; I’m not trying to get you to choose me.” I had no idea what on earth he was talking about, but the panicky edge in his voice, the pleading in his eyes, made me nod. I believed him, whatever it was he was saying.

“You are a leader, Buffy. A warrior. But you’re also a girl, and girls need other girls—or whelps and watchers—to tell them they’re doing things right. You don’t have that luxury. Second-guess yourself, and you’re lost.”

Now I was getting it, and my head was still nodding, so I assume I was agreeing with him.

“You have to have the courage to stand by your decisions, your mistakes, even. Don’t let the disapproval of others make you hide yourself. Tomorrow, next week, years from now, you may have to make a decision your friends disagree with. Their accepting now that they don’t get to mess with your head may end up saving their lives!”

He was obviously passionate about it, and I couldn’t find it in me to stop him and tell him I now knew he was right. It didn’t hurt that I might get to hear him sing my praises in the meantime.

“They may not always agree with what you do, and yes, some of your actions have consequences that may hurt you, but it’s those actions that help you grow.”

And then he went where I didn’t expect him to.

“Like when you dated the poofter.” I saw his jaw clench, both at the memory and at the effort to keep talking about something he knew I wouldn’t like. “I don’t think any of your little posse approved of that, but had you not dated him—”

“The world wouldn’t have found itself tilting into the abyss?” I smiled ruefully.

“No! You wouldn’t have seen that you can bounce back from anything. If you hadn’t been forced to send the love of your life to hell, and survived it, you wouldn’t know how strong you really are.” He approached the bed and looked at me as if asking for permission to join me.

I patted the mattress beside me and burrowed into his arms when he sank down on it. He was right. Almost completely right. Except for one thing.

Angel wasn’t the love of my life.

I wouldn’t tell him that last bit, however. Not when I was only now timidly coming to grips with it.

“And what do I have to do for this lesson to sink in?” I asked against his sternum.

I felt him shrug. “Call one of the Scoobies and tell them something they won’t like.”

You know me; I can’t give in to a suggestion immediately. “Isn’t the fact they tore me out of heaven enough?”

He gently clasped my shoulders and pried me from his embrace so he could look me in the eye. “No, that was something they did wrong. Today you have to tell them something they’ll blame you for. Call Anya and tell her you stole ten dollars from her cash-register, or ring up Giles and tell him you’ve not trained in a month.” He caressed my cheek with his thumb. “Deal with it knowing they’ll get over it. I promise you they will, and you can live with disappointing them once in a while, because you know you’re better than their expectations.”

I was misty-eyed. His confidence in me was overwhelming. It was his expectations that I aspired to live up to just then. I wanted to be the greater good that he believed me to be, and I wanted to do it my way, screw the world. I gave up enough for the world every day; I would stop giving up myself. “Gimme my cell.” It was now or never.

He handed it to me and stepped back, not checking whom I decided to call.

If he had, he’d have seen me dial the first name on the phonebook.

“Hey, Angel. It’s me.” Spike froze instantly, only the twitch in his jaw indicating he’d like to grab the phone, throw it to the ground, and stomp on it.

“Buffy! Are you all right? Willow called—”

Yeah, yeah, he was worried. Was I okay? Did I need anything? Maybe he could drop everything and come save me?

I glanced at the man standing before me and knew I had already been saved, and I had what I needed. “I’m fine. Just wanted to tell you that things have changed around here. I’m with Spike.”

“What’s he doing there?” Macho-territorialism at its finest.

“I’m at his crypt, actually, but I meant I’m with Spike. We’ve started seeing each other.” I heard both vampires gasp at that, and I smiled as I continued. “It’s not a spell, I’m in my right mind, and he’s not blackmailing me.” Hey, I had to cover all angles! “I’m not saying things are perfect,” I added, ignoring his protests once my declaration had sunk in. “But I’m happy. And I want all of you to respect that.”

“Buffy, you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s the resurrection; it’s messed with you. You’re not thinking clearly. Stay away from Spike. He’s evil!”

“He wants to change, and I can help him. Don’t come near us, or I’ll make sure you regret it.” I could have tried to defend my choice, tell him how Spike had been there for my friends while I’d been gone, how he’d cared for my sister. Instead, I hung up while Angel was still ranting about soulless vampires being unable to change, and turned to Spike. “Was that what you had in mind?”

He just shook his head, awe and incredulity warring on his face.

“Okay,” I said, “I think we have a little more than two hours before he gets here. Care to make it count?”

He bobbed his head. That was all the consent I needed to pull him back into bed with me.


***


I used to think lovemaking had to be slow and tentative. In my mind, it always included soft sighs and whispered promises, gentle touches and slow languid strokes. Fucking was the one what was base and wild, with the grunting, and the biting, and the scratching.

That night Spike showed me how wrong I’d been.

We were on the floor, where I’d made us fall while trying to roll on top of him. We hadn’t even bothered with undressing before he’d entered me. On the outside, it was nothing different than our first time together. We almost brought the crypt down. There were no tender caresses; only hands clutching desperately at flesh, bruising in their need to hold our bodies together. There were no soft sighs, only my panting, interspersed with pleading for him to take me even deeper, harder, faster. Nothing was languid.

It was lovemaking, though. I knew he loved me, and I had finally accepted the possibility that I loved him. No—I knew I loved him. I’d finally accepted the possibility that that was all right.

His kisses were as filled with urgency as they’d always been, but I could tell it wasn’t because he was afraid I’d leave this time. Our passion was raw, animalistic, desperate, yet it took away nothing of the emotion I could feel binding us together.

I asked to see his demon and made love to him too, relishing his superhuman strength. He was the only lover that could take everything I dished out, though I’d known that already. That night I found out he had also been holding back.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk without wincing the next day, the muscles in my thighs burning already, but nothing compared to the burning I felt in my soul. Having at last let my mind and heart go, had lit an all-consuming fire inside me.

We reclaimed the bed and didn’t stop until we broke it. And we laughed. God, how we laughed, while he was still inside me, still pulling pleasure out of every fiber of my being.

By the time Spike withdrew from between my legs, I was feeling exhausted but happy—thoroughly shagged, as Spike would put it, loved, and safe in my lover’s arms.

Too bad we had to get up and face Angel and the Scoobies.

I’m sure that would have all gone down better if we’d been dressed when they barged in the lower floor of the crypt, demanding explanations.

None were offered. None had to be offered. And I didn’t have to make up excuses when Spike moved into my basement. The only one who had to agree to that was Dawn, and she was the one who made up the sofa bed down there for him.

For us.

My friends will get over it eventually.

Angel may not, but then again, it really isn’t his business.


The End