---

After a quick trip to Willy’s to get some blood, Buffy and Spike began the walk back to Buffy’s house. They chatted about nothing in particular, simply enjoying each other’s company. The night-time baddies seemed to have sensed the dramatic increase in power radiating from the small former Slayer and wisely kept their distance.

Before long the two vampires reached Buffy’s house and stood on the porch, facing each other awkwardly. For some reason neither of them could really explain, it seemed like the end of a very good date. “Would you like to come in?” Buffy asked quietly as she opened the front door.

Spike smiled. “I’d love to, pet,” he answered, following Buffy over the threshold.

Spike watched Buffy in amazement as she passed through the front hallway and turned left, draping her coat over the chair in the living room before taking a seat on the couch. “You didn’t need an invitation.”

“What?” Buffy asked, turning to look at Spike in confusion.

“The house. You just walked in without an invitation,” Spike pointed out.

“Why would I need…?” Buffy’s question trailed off as she suddenly realized what Spike was saying. She, now a demon, had just walked into her home without the invitation of anyone who lived inside. “Maybe because I live here the invitation’s not needed.”

“Doesn’t work that way, pet. No vampire can enter a residence without an invitation from a living someone inside, even if they lived there before they died,” he answered as he removed his own coat and placed it on top of Buffy’s.

Buffy shrugged her shoulders. “Oh well, guess it goes into the same category as a vampire can’t go into the sunlight or have a reflection.”

Spike nodded his head in agreement. “S’pose so. I’ll just go put this in the fridge,” he tilted his head downwards, indicating the bags of blood he was carrying. “Wouldn’t want it to go bad.”

Buffy nodded her head. “Yeah, thanks.”

Spike quickly placed the blood in the fridge and walked back out into the living room to find Buffy sitting on the couch deep in thought. “Penny for your thoughts, luv.”

Buffy looked up at Spike. “I don’t think a penny would cover it. These thoughts have to be worth at least a dollar,” she added with a small smile.

“Okay, pet, have it your way. A dollar for your thoughts?” he asked with a laugh, taking a seat across from her.

“I was just thinking how this would have to be the worst year of my life, and I’ve had some bad years.” She took a deep breath.

“When I fought the Master, it killed me, literally… I never thought anything could be worse. I was wrong… I’ve only ever loved one man in my life, and he turned all psycho stalker on me after I slept with him. I watched him harass my friends and family and I practically let him kill Jenny Calendar cause I wasn’t strong enough to kill him. You were there for the fight, Spike, but I don’t know if you ever knew… when I finally had Angelus beat and Acathla was open and Angelus had to go, Willow gave him his soul back. But I still had to send him to hell …. I died for the second time that day,” Buffy whispered, struggling to hold back her tears.

Spike held still, just letting her talk, but everything in him wanted to go to her and pull her into his arms and comfort her. These were things she needed to say, though. So he held himself back and focused on listening.

“I’ve fought the Mayor, Adam, and successfully stopped five apocalypses. I’ve been possessed by ghosts, eaten by a mother Bezoar, attacked by an invisible girl and turned into an eighteenth century girl with the survival skills of a cupcake at a Weight Watchers meeting…”

Spike couldn’t help but laugh at that comment; she had been right bloody pathetic. All blubbering and weak, it had almost been enough to turn him off biting her… Well, almost.

Buffy didn’t even seem to notice Spike’s chuckles as she continued rambling. “I’ve been offered as a sacrifice to a big snake thing, turned into a cave woman, been burnt at the stake, not to mention being offered as a sex toy to some slimy fish boys.” She raised her hand to stop Spike’s inquiry before he even had a chance to open his mouth. “Don’t even ask… not something I really want to talk about. My point is that all of that is only the tip of the iceberg.”

She jumped to her feet and began pacing, wringing her hands nervously as she continued. “I’ve been kicked out of two schools, had my soul nearly stolen by my demonic roommate and been attacked by the first Slayer in my dreams. Oh, and let’s not forget having my body stolen by that skank Faith…. and god only knows what she did with it, or for that matter who…”

Spike quirked an eyebrow at this; he remembered that night. He’d thought Buffy was coming on to him; it had left him hard for hours, and he had practically sprained his wrist jacking off over her words. It had taken him weeks to piece together that it hadn’t been Buffy in the driver’s seat that night.

Buffy continued her rant oblivious to Spike’s thoughts. “You would think that that’s as bad as it gets, but you could join all those years together, all the nights that I’ve had to schlep around a cold dark cemetery fighting demons and vampires, and I don’t think they would even come close to how crappy this year’s been.” She dropped her head and ran her fingers through her hair as she continued.

“Now I have to defeat a hellgod before she tries to fit my make-believe sister into some mystical lock. I find out that my boyfriend is getting suck jobs by two-bit vampire whores, and he has the balls to put the blame on me. I’ve been staked with my own stake and bitten by Dracula. My father has gone AWOL and Mom…” Buffy broke off, starting to cry. “Mom’s gone and I miss her so much,” she whimpered as she started to sob harder.

Spike stood and grabbed Buffy’s shoulders, reaching down to her face and wiping her tears away as she continued to speak. He had known that her life was chaotic and far from easy, but he had never before seen any proof of the toll it had taken on her. She looked exhausted, devastated, and confused—a far cry from the unflappable warrior she usually seemed to be.

“And now I’m a vampire, and I couldn’t even get that right. Anyone else turned has the added perk of having no soul. They don’t care about anyone other than themselves. At least they have the choice to be completely selfish and self-centred. What have I got? A pile of guilt and self-pity to match my fangs and bloodlust!”

“I think you’re beating yourself up too much over this, pet.”

Buffy nodded her head. “I know, Spike—and I know it’s just that everything is so messed up… Did you know that one of my worst fears when I was a kid was that I’d become a vampire? I remember seeing that movie ‘The Lost Boys.’ I don’t know how old I was; I couldn’t have been more than ten. I had nightmares every night for a week… I remember Mom coming in to save me every night; she told me that vampires weren’t real and that I had nothing to be afraid of.” She let out a small laugh and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “Guess she kinda missed the memo, huh? Because here I am all blood drinking and fangy… Who would have thought that Hollywood could be right? I mean apart from the whole vampires being able to fly thing, and that you’re only a half-vampire until you make your first kill, or for that matter that you could be sired just by drinking some blood out of a bottle…”

“You’re rambling, luv.”

She let out a quick, sarcastic laugh. “My point is, I don’t think I can do this … I-I’ve become my own worst fear. Only I think this is worse because I know that I’m a monster. I can feel it in me just scratching at the surface, always pushing me to do these terrible things, a-and it takes all my strength to try and hold it back. Oh god, some of the thoughts that popped into my head tonight--I’m scared for my friends. I’m scared what I might do to them. It’s like I’m sharing my body, my mind with this darkness that just wants to destroy everything I love. And no matter where I turn it always comes back to the same thing… I’m my own living nightmare.”

“Bollocks!” Spike growled.

“What?!”

“I said bollocks. Bollocks to the whole I’m livin’ my own nightmare. You’re the bloody Slayer. If I had thought that turnin’ you would have been your undoing, I would have bloody well done it years ago… You’re not some flamin’ martyr and you don’t bloody well have the corner market on the woe is me line. So you’re a vampire. So what? So am I, and as far as I can see, you have it a bloody well lot better then me. At least you’re not some bloody simperin’ half-wit of a minion. You’re bloody well stronger then anyone I’ve ever seen, you still have your prissy little friends to head the ‘we heart Buffy fan club’, not to mention you can still enjoy a nice day at the beach so your suntan won’t fade… The way I see it, your life’s nothin’ but sunshine ‘n bloody roses.”

“Are you about done?!”

Spike clenched his jaw and ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know, you’ve got me all pissed off now, talkin’ ‘bout livin’ the hard luck life. Yeah, you’ve had some shit breaks, and I’m sorry for that, Slayer. ‘Specially ‘bout Joyce—that was a right nice bird. But as for the rest, ‘s part and parcel of what you do. Might not be pretty but that’s the game as it’s laid out for you, yeah? And might I remind you that yeah you’re a bloody vampire now but you could right easily be a molderin’ corpse. Gotta tell you, luv. Bein’ on the outside, looking in, what you got doesn’t look all that bad to me.”

Buffy took a deep breath and shook her head. “You’ve got no idea what I’m going through. You think you do, but you don’t. Do you know how hard this is for me? I’ve become the one thing that I’ve been taught to hate… And to top it off, it’s all my fault.”

Spike gave her an inquisitive look. “How do you figure that?”

Buffy shrugged her shoulders. “It’s my fault because I didn’t kill him. I wasn’t fast enough or strong enough… I--I think I was tired. I was just so tired of always fighting. I’ve fought them back for so many years, night after night and I think… I think I just gave up. Isn’t that what you said? Every Slayer has a death wish.’’

Spike let out a deep growl. “Out of all the things I’ve said to you, that’s the one you choose to believe.”

“No, I seem to remember you telling me that I had stupid hair, that I couldn’t hold a man’s interest… oh! And that my breasts weren’t as high or as firm anymore,” Buffy retorted.

Spike couldn’t suppress the smirk for forming on his lips. “Yeah, well after what happened tonight, I think I can safely say that the last comment is totally false,” he said with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrow.

Buffy rolled her eyes and shook her head as she tried to hide the intense blush that was creeping its way up her chest. “I’m sure the Powers have an ongoing bet on how much crap they can load me up with before I finally snap.”

“Well then, the Powers are set up to lose a hell of a lot of dosh, pet. Because I happen to know you are too strong to give up without one hell of a fight,” Spike said with an uncharacteristically gentle smile .

Buffy gave him a small smile in return. “You think?”

“I know.”

She took a deep breath and stood up. “Ok Yoda, I’m gonna have a shower and go to bed.”

Spike stood up and grabbed his coat off the chair. “Alright then, luv. I’d best be going then.”

“No!” Buffy exclaimed anxiously.

“What?” Spike asked, clearly surprised.

“I mean if it’s alright with you… I‘d rather not be alone right now,” she clarified, eyes cast down as she began fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

Spike raised his eyebrow in surprise. “You want me to stay?”

“Only if you want to. You can stay in mom’s room--there’s a nice big bed and the curtains are heavy so no sunlight should come in,” she offered, nervously chewing on her bottom lip.

Spike brushed a lock of hair out of Buffy’s face and gave her a loving smile. “Of course I’ll stay, pet.”

Buffy smiled brightly. “Great! I’ll just get cleaned up and I’ll fix up your room.”

Spike watched Buffy in amazement as she retreated upstairs. He shook his head, turning back to the living room and resuming his seat on the couch, running her little rant through his head. He didn’t believe he had been wrong—she was better off a vamp than a corpse, and he knew that she’d start to see that sooner or later. What Spike couldn’t believe was that if what she said was true—that he had turned her into her greatest fear—why was she still so relaxed around him? And why were the only things she remembered word-for-word the things he had told her about her physical appearance? He didn’t know what was going on between them now, but one thing was clear: Slayer had a crush, sire or no. He put his head back against the back of the couch, closed his eyes, and smiled.



~*~~*~~*~



Twenty minutes later, Buffy walked back into the living room to find Spike watching infomercials on the TV, seemingly engrossed in watching a lady currently demonstrating a new type of silver polish. “Wow, I never knew TV could be so boring,” she remarked with a playful smile.

Spike chuckled. “You have no idea, pet. This is considered entertaining for this time in the morning.”

“Damn, you mean I’ve been missing all the fun shows while I’ve slept?” she inquired sarcastically.

Spike laughed. “Guess so, pet. So you’re off to bed now?”

Buffy nodded. “Yep. Do you need the five cent tour?”

“Sure, luv” he replied, following Buffy upstairs.

Buffy quickly showed Spike around, making sure he knew where everything he would need could be found. “Okay, so that’s the tour,” Buffy yawned, stretching her arms sleepily over her head. “I’m off to bed. I’ll see you in the morning,” she finished with a small smile.

“Ta, luv. Goodnight,” Spike replied, watching Buffy close her bedroom door.


~*~~*~~*~


“Angel, what are you doing here?”

“I just stopped by for a little snack… Lover,” Angelus said as he turned towards Buffy, allowing her to see just what it was he was snacking on.

“Dawn?!” Buffy gasped. “Let her go, you bastard!” Buffy screamed as she charged the dark-haired vampire.

“Would you rather take her place?” Angelus asked before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Buffy ran to where Angelus had been holding her sister, only to find her own decaying remains lying in the filthy alley. “NO!” Buffy screamed in horror.

“What’s wrong, Buff, don’t like the show?” a voice called out from behind her.

Buffy turned to see Angelus standing behind her, now holding her mother’s bloodied body in his arms. Angelus carelessly tossed her mother’s body onto the ground alongside Dawn’s lifeless corpse, which had suddenly reappeared.

“NOOOOO….” Buffy screamed, running to her mother and little sister’s remains. As she ran towards her family the alley seemed to grow longer with every step, and soon she found herself in a graveyard. She could see a dark shadowy figure leaning against a tomb.

“You can’t get away, you know?” a harsh, whispered voice asked.

“Who are you?” Buffy demanded, walking closer to the dark figure.

“Death!” A voice hissed from behind her.

Suddenly, she was back in the alley with Angelus’ fangs deep in her throat. She could feel her life draining away from her with every gulp he took.

~*~~*~~*~


Buffy awoke from her dream screaming and panting, eyes frantically searching the room to try to establish the reality of her situation.

Spike had been jolted awake by Buffy’s harsh screams, and he quickly ran to her room and pulled the terrified girl into his strong embrace.

“S’okay, pet, s’okay. Nothin’s gonna hurt you… it’s just a dream,” Spike whispered into Buffy’s ear, rocking her back and forth.

Buffy clung to Spike like a lifeline. After a few minutes she stopped trembling, but she wouldn’t relinquish her hold on the peroxide vampire.

“Are you okay, luv?” Spike asked, pushing some hair away from Buffy’s face.

Buffy nodded her head and sniffed, but she still wouldn’t let Spike go.

“Do you want me to stay with you, luv?” Spike asked, softly stroking her golden hair.

Buffy squeezed herself closer to Spike. “Yes, please,” she whispered into his chest.

“Okay, pet, lay down,” Spike agreed, trying to free himself from Buffy’s painfully tight grip.

“Please don’t go. I need you to hold me. Please hold me,” Buffy pleaded into Spike’s chest.

“Okay, luv, ’m not goin’ anywhere. Why don’t you just scoot over a bit, princess? Get ourselves a bit more comfy,” Spike purred soothingly, managing to free himself from Buffy’s embrace.

Buffy quickly made room for Spike to lie down. As soon as he was comfortable she curled up next to him and rested her head on his chest, enjoying the coolness of his body.

“Don’t let me dream,” she mumbled.

Spike lovingly stroked Buffy’s back. “Okay, kitten. I won’t.”