So that left Willow.

Actually, that left nearly two days of Buffy clearing her emails while she worked up the courage to call Willow. Buffy wasn't completely trying to stall – that was her story and she was sticking to it – she also wanted to see if there was any hint in there of why Willow wanted to talk to her so badly.

She got kind of an odd first impression, though, on reading Willow's messages. Her earliest notes started out friendly enough, hey how are you, call me; but with every day that passed, they got more worried and urgent. By the time Buffy got to the most recent stuff, they were downright frantic. Also frustratingly vague. It was clear that something had Willow majorly wigged, and she didn't want to go into details except over the phone.

Buffy already had her suspicions as to what, and they did not help her nerves any.

She sighed, turning her cell phone over and over in her hands. Did she really need to be this worked up? Spike was back. Even if it ended up that Willow had been in on the Giles thing all along, it was kind of a moot point. Okay, worst-worst case, she was in on it and had gone all Dark-Willow again, and agreed with Giles that it was good to keep Buffy under her thumb, or something – but let's face it, this was not exactly a likely scenario.

No, Buffy realized, she was way more concerned about the two major bombshells she had to drop – Giles was out of her life, and Spike was suddenly back in it – than she was about whatever Willow wanted to tell her. In the past, either one of those revelations would have been cause for major reactions from the Scoobies; put both of them together, and you were just asking for a committee vote on What To Do About Buffy.

Granted, neither Xander nor Dawn had reacted that way this time, and certainly Buffy had no intention of losing Spike no matter what Willow had to say, but still. She had no idea what her friend would do. Willow and her immense power, Willow and her good intentions, Willow and her guilt and baggage. Would she be able to just step back, accept the sitch and deal, after Buffy told her what was going on at her end? If she found out Spike was back and that Buffy planned to keep him this time? Buffy had no way to know for certain, other than to ask.

It made Buffy's stomach hurt, a little, to think that maybe she'd have to convince Willow that having Spike in her life, that loving him, was a good thing. Spike kept reminding Buffy that she didn't need to get permission from anybody to do what wouldn't hurt them. Buffy kept forgetting. It was still a weird concept for her to get used to – this idea of having both her friends and her independence. With her experience, she'd really believed she might only get to have one or the other.

So yeah, the prospect of talking to Willow messed with Buffy's stomach. Although… not as much as facing Giles had. Huh. Interesting thought, once she looked at it that way.

Buffy took a deep breath, blew it out slowly, and started dialing.

---

"Hey Buffy," said Willow, as soon as the helloes were exchanged. "I'm so glad you called – 'cause I didn't want to tell you this stuff over email, and I was getting really worried since you wouldn't answer my calls, and I have all this stuff I need to talk to you about…"

"Willow," said Buffy.

"…and it's really big but it's also really difficult because I have two things to tell you, and one of them is bad and one is good – and I know you're supposed to do the bad thing first and then the good thing, but I don't want you to hang up on me or hate me or anything after I tell you the bad thing, because the good thing is really important too…"

"Willow," said Buffy.

"…and you need to hear it, and also I'm really sorry for the bad thing even though I haven't told you what it is yet…"

"Willow," said Buffy.

"Um," said Willow. Catching her breath a little. "Yeah?"

"You knew, didn't you," said Buffy. Sighed. She could tell. Knew it as soon as Willow mentioned hanging up on her, which was more than tempting. Buffy could feel it, hear it in the way Willow was already begging for forgiveness for something she had yet to confess.

Damn it.

"You knew Spike wasn't gone, this past year. Am I right?" And now, she discovered, her stomach didn't hurt but her shoulders felt so, so tired. Maybe she should feel angry, but instead, there was just that dragging weariness.

It occurred to Buffy that the sensation shouldn't feel quite as familiar as it did.

"I… yes?" said Willow.

Okay, thought Buffy. Her stomach didn't hurt, but her throat was starting to. "You went along with Giles, and didn't tell me Spike had come back after Sunnydale."

"I," Willow began. A long pause. Buffy heard Willow's shaky breathing come over the line. "Can I say sorry?"

Buffy closed her eyes. "I don't think I want sorry," she said. "I want… why, Willow? How could you do that?" Ah, there was the knot in her stomach. She'd been starting to wonder when it would show up. "I thought – I trusted you, Willow." Her throat was starting to really hurt, now.

"I know," sniffled Willow, "I know, and I'm so, so sorry. You – Giles, he – I mean – I'm just really –"

"Giles, what," said Buffy. "Forced you to keep quiet? You knew how I felt. You knew how important Spike was, to me – to all of us. Willow, he saved the world and no one thought it was important to mention he survived?" Eyes still closed, she tipped her head back to thump against the head of the bed. "I – did no one see that I was – I thought he was dead, Willow. I mourned him and apparently everyone thought it was okay to just keep him a secret from me and let me go through that, because – because why?"

Tears began to slip down her cheeks, tears she was so sick of shedding. But the betrayal just didn't seem to get any easier to handle. Not even when she thought she might expect it. Not from a friend.

"Tell me why, Willow."

Especially not from her.

"But I did, Buffy, I did think it was important to tell you, I swear I did!" Willow was in tears too, now. "I thought you should know, I really did, and I was going to – but Andrew said Spike wanted to be the one – and then Giles –" She stopped, drew a shuddering breath. Buffy could hear her fighting to get her voice back under control. Sniffed once, twice. "Okay. Okay. Um. You haven't hung up on me yet, you know, so that's of the good, right? I mean, maybe you'll hear me out? Can I explain? Please let me explain, Buffy."

Buffy wiped her eyes, took a deep breath of her own. "I haven't hung up yet," she agreed. "Yeah. Just – yeah. Go ahead."

"Well," said Willow, "I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming everything on Giles. 'Cause I should have said something and I didn't, even after I changed my mind about the stuff he was saying. I do take responsibility for that, okay?"

"Okay," said Buffy. So tired. She'd asked Spike to let her make this call alone, but now she wished he was in here with her, so she could lean on him. Feel his fingers in her hair. Feel less alone. Her lip quivered, and she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Okay," said Willow, "well, he started out saying we should respect Spike's wishes, and let him be the one to break the news to you, himself, that it was what he wanted, you know?" She swallowed, sniffled, and Buffy heard her shuffle about, pull a tissue from a box. "But then he was all, Buffy doesn't need complications in her life right now and having Spike back would be a complication. 'Cause maybe he came back but he left his soul behind, or something, and he was with Wolfram and Hart so maybe he was evil again, you know?"

"Am I the only one to see the contradiction there?" asked Buffy.

"No," Willow said, voice small. "But he… you know I've been pretty bad about sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong, before – with the magics and everything, right? Giles… he really made me question my judgment where you were concerned," she said. "Like, he got everything all, all twisted around and made it sound like – like it would be interfering to tell you Spike was back, and that staying quiet would be more… respectful, somehow. Like that made sense, you know? I mean, that's completely backwards now that I really can see it with a clear head. But… I fell for it. I'm so sorry, Buffy."

"Why didn't you say anything, once you figured this stuff out?" asked Buffy.

Willow sighed. "I started to question what he was saying," she said, "and then I started to worry that we were wrong, and then I – well – I decided I needed to get very busy with my studies with the coven. Partly I told myself, it wasn't my story to tell, and partly, I told myself that you weren't really missing him all that much, you know? That you were trying to move on, and I should just… let you." She took a deep breath, sighed again. "Looking back on it, I was just living in denial-land, again."

"Not my story to tell," murmured Buffy. "Xander has been saying that, a lot. I gather he's been running interference for me while I've been settling in here, right?"

"Yeah," said Willow.

"I get the impression that there's a really fine line between 'not my story to tell' and 'I will keep secrets for someone'," said Buffy.

"You're right," said Willow, "you're so right. And, I mean, sometimes keeping quiet is a good idea, but this time? Really not. And I am sorry," she added.

Buffy sighed. Of course she was. Willow pretty much always meant well, after all. "So I take it that's the bad thing," she said. "And, I still haven't hung up yet. You said there was a good thing?"

"Ooh, yes, there so is," said Willow. "Or, at least, I think it's a good thing. I think you'll think so, too." Buffy heard a slurping noise. "Sorry, drinking tea," said Willow. "Um, so anyway. I got this phone call from Dawn, and she was all, 'hey, have you heard from Buffy, I'm really worried,', and that's when I realized, wow, Wills, Buffy totally walked out on Giles over this, and you're doing the same thing he did… bad thing, you've gotta make things up to her, right? And I thought about what all Giles said, and I got this idea."

Willow and her ideas, thought Buffy. This was bound to be interesting.

"See, the thing is, we all thought Spike died underneath Sunnydale, right?" asked Willow. "Only we were wrong, and he came back in LA. And then Giles told us that he died again, in that mini-apocalypse thing, which, gotta say, he really should have told us about that beforehand, you know? So I got to thinking, what if we were wrong again?"

"Meaning…" prompted Buffy.

"Meaning, what if the rumors weren't accurate? What if our information was wrong? So… I did a spell," said Willow in a rush. "Not to bring anybody back or anything, 'cause, so learned my lesson there. Just… I wanted to see if I could maybe find Angel or Spike, or maybe both. I couldn't look for the others because, hello, close to seven billion people on earth right now – but there are only two vampires with souls out there, so I figured, they should be pretty easy to pick up out of the background noise, right?"

"I think I follow you," said Buffy.

"It's just," said Willow, "I know you were close, to both of them, and I mean, I was denial girl for awhile, but I figured out that you were really lonely, you know, and I just, I thought if I could do this for you, find out if they were still out there, then maybe if they were, maybe you wouldn't feel so… sad."

Sad. Buffy shook her head. Yeah, that was a good way to put it.

She didn't say anything for a long moment, until Willow asked nervously, "Um. Is that okay?"

She smiled, touched. "Yeah," she said. "Thanks. So, you did a spell to find them?"

"Just to see if they were still alive. I mean, undead. Whatever," said Willow.

"And… what did you find out?" asked Buffy.

"I – well – I know this is hard to believe, but – I think Spike is alive still. Or maybe again," said Willow. "Or it might be Angel, but I'm almost positive it's Spike. It's only one of them, either way. Um. Sorry about that part," she said.

Buffy's eyebrow quirked.

"I wanted to do something to make it up to you, going along with Giles like that," said Willow, "and I thought, if I could figure out whether or not the rumors were true, that might… well, it might be a start, anyway. And I don't want to get your hopes up or anything – I haven't done a locator spell, I can't do that without something that belongs to either of them, and there's no way to know what kind of shape he might be in…" She stopped, took a breath. "But yeah. I'm about ninety percent sure that it's Spike, and that he's out there somewhere."

"Wills, that's…" and again with the not quite finding words. Anger and hurt, weariness, and yet, and yet, she really wanted to just let the whole thing drop. Moot point, just like she'd figured earlier. How much to tell her? "I'm… really touched, I guess. Okay, that didn't sound very sincere."

Willow huffed a little laugh across the phone line. "I know what you meant," she said. "And I'm just glad you don't hate me."

"I don't," said Buffy, "but I gotta say… I mean, I don't plan to ever speak to Giles again. Not just because of this, there's a whole lot of stuff he's done to wreck my trust, but… this hurt me, Wills. A lot."

"I know," Willow said with a grimace. "I shouldn't have – I just – it really made sense at the time, you know?"

"Yeah," said Buffy. "I can imagine." She sighed. Made her decision. "People make mistakes. That's not the same as deliberately manipulating me, which is what Giles did. So… yeah. Hurt, but I don't feel any need to cut you out of my life or anything." She paused, picked at a stray thread on the blanket. "But you can't, you really can't, do this to me again, Willow. I've taken all of it that I can, from pretty much anyone who comes along ever, for the rest of my life."

"I understand, and I won't – I swear," said Willow. "And, you know, whew. About not cutting me out of your life, I mean." A nervous laugh. "'Cause, gotta tell ya, I kinda wouldn't have been surprised if you did."

"Xander and I have been talking a lot," said Buffy slowly. "We've kinda figured out a bunch of stuff about how the Scoobies operated, back in Sunnydale. And there's stuff Xander doesn't do anymore, now that he's back from Africa, and stuff I won't put up with anymore either."

"Stuff like this, huh?" asked Willow.

"That would be it," said Buffy. "As long as you're on board with – well – I've been calling it growing up, because for me it's been about learning not to defend my choices to you guys or Giles. But yeah. As long as you're okay with not doing that anymore…" She shifted, pulled the thread tight and watched the blanket lift off the bed. "Friends don't do this, Willow. It's taken me awhile to figure that out, but I finally have. If you can be my friend, and just – let me make my own choices, I guess – then I can try to keep trusting you."

There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment.

"My teachers in the coven have really done a lot for me, this past year," Willow said eventually. "Kinda, smacking me on the nose with a newspaper, sometimes. I've wanted to talk to you about all of it. I mean, I know I got so busy with them partly to hide from you and Giles and all that mess, but… I've still missed you."

"Well… maybe you can come visit us, along with Dawn?" Buffy asked. "I'm apartment hunting, and I've got it narrowed down to two or three places that I like. We could… I dunno. Catch up? See where things go?"

"See if you can trust me anymore?" asked Willow in a small voice.

Buffy sighed. She was in the right, she knew she was, so why did she feel so bad about this? "That too," she said quietly.

"I'd love to," said Willow. "I can get with Dawn, see if there are any seats left on her flight and we'll come in together. And," she added, "if you wanted, maybe we could figure out a way to track down Spike for you, while I'm there?"

And, it was time to drop the other bombshell.

"No," said Buffy. "I, um. Okay. I wanted to hear what your big thing was, before I told you my big things, but yeah. One of them is that Giles is out. The other one? I won't need your help trying to find Spike, because… I kinda already did." She took a deep breath. "Great minds think alike, I guess."

"Wait," said Willow, "you mean I decided to find out if he was alive, and you decided to look for him too?" Another slurp of tea, somewhere in England. "That's… really kinda cool."

"I didn't exactly decide to look for him," said Buffy. "Not at first. Long story." She shifted on the bed, crossed her legs. "Can I tell you all about the freaky deaky messages and things, once you and Dawn get here?"

"Ooh, there were messages?" said Willow. "Like, you guys are meant to be, messages?"

And Buffy felt her shoulders drop even further. "Sounds like you approve," she said. And damn it, why was she still so eager for that?

"Hey," said Willow. "Xander's been workin' on me, too, you know, not just my coven. Who you're with? As long as he's not hurting you, or keeping you away from quality shopping time, not really my business to judge. See? Learning, here." She giggled a little, then Buffy heard a creak as she shifted in her seat. "Besides. I know what Giles said, and I remember what I saw, and they don't match. Spike? Kinda good for you – after he got his soul, anyway. Maybe even before that, but I guess I wouldn't know."

Buffy smiled. "Thanks, Wills," she said. "I mean… I'd still decide to be with him even if you didn't like it, but… it means a lot that you do."

"I'm glad," said Willow. "That you still want my opinion, even after all of this."

"I do," said Buffy. "I'm still hurt, but… yeah. I really do. Besides," she added, "who else would I go shopping with, if I didn't have you?"

The conversation got a lot less serious from there, which was totally fine as far as Buffy was concerned.

They had nearly a year's worth of gossip to catch up on, after all.

---