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Chapter 21
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Buffy smiled at Spike, amazed at how relieved she felt being locked in the cell with her once powerful enemy.  In truth, it had been a long time since she could really consider Spike other than at least a friend.  At times, she had begun to think of him as something even more than that, but those were the days long past, when there had been time for softer emotions and possible futures.
 
“I think he wants to prove to everyone what a complete screw-up I am by being friendly with the enemy. Big eyes and big ears and more deadly than any wolf.”  She pointed to the cameras outside the cell that moved as they did to capture them in any location in the cell.  “Yup, that’s me, Buffy the Malfunctioning Slayer.  Until all this,” she waved her hands to encompass the whole of the Initiative, “I might have even agreed with Travers, especially about being friendly with you.”
 
“Thanks ever so.”  He raised his scarred eyebrow and frowned.
 
“I don't mean that as an insult; I know better now.  Back before all this stuff began, I kinda had the whole ‘human and soul equals good/demon and no soul is bad’ party line in my head too.  I didn't dust you because of the chip, even though I should have seen the parts of you from years ago that showed you were more than just a monster before the chip.”  She spoke softly yet did nothing to try to prevent anyone from eavesdropping. 
 
“Hey, still the Big Bad here,” Spike huffed.  “Doesn’t mean I can’t think or have layers.”
 
“Yeah, yeah, but I remember when you didn't want the world to end. You helped me defeat Angelus and kept Acathala from sucking the whole world into hell.” She smiled at him fondly and remembered how Spike’s approach had surprised but not shocked her even then.  “You were nice to my mom before you got the chip,” she reminded him.  “I had to know that, deep inside, you weren’t just some slathering beast out to kill.  I never took back your invitation.  I went off to LA and just took you at your word that you would take Dru and leave.  I never even considered that you might come back and attack my mom just because you could get in!  It’s like I always knew you wouldn't lie to me or take advantage of our truce to hurt Mom.”  She smiled brightly at him. “See, more than just a monster and that's a good thing.”
 
“Don’t kid yourself, Slayer; I’m still a vampire even if I’m leashed at the moment.  We kill, we drink blood, it comes with the package.” He knew that Buffy knew all of this, but he wasn’t about to pretend to be a tamed kitten when he knew the tiger still liked red meat.  “Yeah, I like this world.  It was in my interests to keep it spinnin’.  Not some altruistic, romance novel vampire here.”
 
Buffy snorted, “I'm not calling you a saint!  But then again, compared to some of the human guys I've run across while in here, you might just make the grade.” 
 
Spike couldn’t help but give her a half grin and a nod.  He had to agree that he’d seen some things during his time as a captive that would have even given Angelus a run for his money.    “So what’s this plan you think they have by puttin’ us together, not that I’m complainin’.”
 
“They’re watching every move, probably listening to every word too.  I think Travers wants to be able to prove that I'm too comfortable with vampires and demons to be trusted to kill them like a Slayer should.”   Spike guffawed as if the concept was clearly ridiculous.   Buffy continued, “He's got this whole line of crap about how slayers are coming out flawed and can't do the job.  He talks about Faith and how she took up with the Mayor and how she was okay with torturing and killing humans.”
 
Buffy sat on the single sleeping platform and closed her eyes. “Then there's my dating history with Angel.  I probably don’t need to tell you the Council was less than pleased with that bit of Buffy drama! Now there’s my friendship with you.  They know we’ve worked together.  They know you’re off limits for dusting,” she opened her eyes and smiled playfully with a twinkle in said eyes, “Unless I decide to do the deed one day.”
 
 “Travers wants a reason to end the whole Slayer line.  He says we're obsolete.  I guess it’s not enough to keep any kind of balance, he’s all hot to jump right to genocide on all demons so that there is no need for balance or a Slayer.”  Buffy looked disgusted.  “If the Powers had wanted to do that, they would have arranged for more than one teenage girl to be called to fight the ooglie-googlies.  I mean, it’s not like all demons and vampires are located in Sunnydale, California.   It’s also not like that’s the only hellmouth on earth either.  They must have had a reason not to try to wipe out all the creatures of the night.”
 
Spike had to agree.  He’d often thought about the inefficiency of the whole ‘one Slayer at a time’ system of fighting his kind.  “So this Travers wanker’s decided he has a better plan than the Powers to Be?  Must be some kind of megalomaniac.  Know the type. Lived with one for about twenty years once, seen a few in the years since.  It usually doesn’t end well for them.”
 
Buffy grinned widely, “We can only hope!”
 
“So he’s tryin’ to prove a point havin’ you here?”  Spike had already given Buffy a once-over, visually checking for any serious damage.  He could tell that she hadn’t had a day at the spa experience while in the labs, but she also wasn’t injured too badly.  That thought gladdened him.  “Who’s he tryin’ to prove it to?”
 
“Not sure.  I know that the Council wasn’t all behind him when this started.  My guess is he just wants justification for turning on his own Slayer and his sacred duty.”   Buffy looked into the camera speaking more to their listeners.  “Screw him.  By the time this is over, it won’t matter what he thinks about Slayers.  We’ll either be dead, along with a pretty large number of people and demons, or we’ll find some way to beat him and the world will know he was the biggest monster of all.”
 
Buffy reached over and tenderly cupped Spike’s face with one hand, “You look better than the last time I saw you.  I was afraid you weren’t going to make it.”
 
Spike was surprised.  He was more than half convinced his awareness of Buffy’s presence had been a hallucination. “You saw me?”
 
“Riley took me to see you. “ She shuddered at the memory.  “I made him let me touch you, but you couldn't know who I was, you were such a mess.  I was afraid to do more than brush my hand against you; you looked like one touch might turn you to ash.”
 
Spike ducked his head, more touched than she could ever know, “I knew it was you.  Gave me strength to heal.  Don't know how I knew, but I did.”  He trembled slightly and Buffy removed her hand from his face, feeling slightly awkward. 
 
“Thought my next sight would be the bowels of hell.  Just didn't know if it would be the kind the Vicar warned about with the hellfire and torture, or Angelus' promise of dancin' with the devil and endless parties,” he smiled at Buffy a bit sheepishly. 
 
The idea that Spike had been so without hope broke a piece of her heart.  She had seen him in all sorts of dire circumstances over the years, but he was always so confident, resilient.  If her coming to see him had given him that hope back, she was doubly glad Riley had given in. “Hey, I thought you liked this world.  I seem to remember you talking about racing dogs and soccer and Happy Meals on legs.  Why in a hurry for hell?”
 
“No hurry, pet, just expected it. I’m glad I’m still in this world--maybe not so much at the moment, but in the long term.”  He smiled and cherished the crumb Buffy had unintentionally given to him:  she had remembered his words from what felt like a lifetime ago.  He had to mean something to her if she recalled his words so perfectly.  He cherished the idea that she had listened and understood.  “Still love this world.  Got lots that makes it special: poetry, places so beautiful that even seeing ‘em only in moonlight can’t diminish the beauty.” He grinned impishly, “Some great American TV and junk food like that amazing bloomin’ onion the Bronze used to make.  Excellent European beers and chocolate—it’s not just America with a corner on the good things market.  Indian and Thai food, Russian ballet, the Great Barrier Reef that makes a vamp glad we don’t have to breathe so you can stay below as long as you like to look at all the creatures playin’ in the coral.”  Spike looked wistful, “Lots of things I love that are only available here.”
 
Buffy felt a slight stab of jealousy at all Spike had been free to experience and see in his many years of living.  She was never going to have that chance.  She’d be lucky to survive her current situation and if she did, the next disaster was always waiting just around the corner.  For a creature considered dead, Spike was the most alive person she’d ever met.  “Sounds like you’re right, there’s a lot to love in this world. What else?”
 
 “Art, for one.  Got a feeling art in hell would be more Hieronymus Bosch and Giger than Van Gogh or that bloody Kincaid bloke who paints all those landscapes you want to just jump into.  Brilliant music...likely a reason you never hear of the choirs of hell. Then there’s the perfect little things like flowers, ...you.”   He hadn’t planned on that slipping out.  Spike only hoped Buffy still had some lingering sympathy over his most recent injuries and that it would save him from a righteous fist to his nose.
 
Buffy felt her brain go into shock.  Did Spike just say he loved her?  Maybe he just meant the part about thinking she was perfect which was kinda nice actually.  Love?  She felt a slight swell of panic. She had to ask. “We've been friends for a while; um…when did you decide you love me?”
 
“Love’s not somethin’ you decide, pet.  Love happens.  Can't pick where or who.  Don't know for certain when, but the whole reason I came back after Dru dumped me was to prove her wrong.” Spike decided he might as well lay it all out there.  Really, what could he lose?  He was in a place designed for eventual death, might as well die honest.  “Dru knew.  Told me I wasn't hers anymore, but yours.  Said you were all around me.  Said I was covered in you and in the light and I’d never be demon enough for her again.”  He hazarded a glance at Buffy, who was looking anywhere but at him. “I thought I'd come back, kill you and prove her wrong but all I proved was that Dru's pixies were right, like they always are.  I couldn't leave, not then, not knowing.  Went for that gem partly because I thought about just being with you in the sunlight.   Had to go and posture, of course, try to make you think I got it to better kill you.  Instead I let you pull it off my finger, nearly burned.”
 
“Why?”  Buffy looked confused and a little scared, “Why would you love me?  I’m the Slayer, Spike, designed to destroy you? Why would you love me?”
 
“God, Buffy, don't you have any idea of the woman you are?!  You’re fierce, strong, powerful, and bloody righteous.  You’re a livin’ Valkyrie, a goddess who can burn me with just a look.  At the same time, you're tender and loving.  Kinder than anyone deserves and you forgive those you love even when you shouldn't.” His heart was in his eyes and once Buffy’s locked with his she couldn’t look away. “You're everything good and beautiful.  Effulgent.”  He smiled at her shyly, “All that in the most gorgeous package I've ever seen.  You never staked me, but you slew me from the start.”  He shook his head as it to shake loose a memory. “I think the first time I watched you at the Bronze the fire was lit.  Each meeting only added to the flame. “
 
Buffy stared at him in silence.  At least it didn’t look like it was in horror--shock maybe, but not revulsion.  Perhaps he hadn’t made a terrible blunder letting her know.  “Ever wonder why I never killed you?”
 
Buffy snorted and came out of her shocked stupor, “Cause I’m a great Slayer and wouldn’t let you?”  She laughed, a sound utterly foreign in this place of anguish and pain.
 
He nodded, “That too, you're the best I've ever seen.  Still I had you to rights more than once.  Remember that Halloween, you in that godawful dress?  Coulda drained you easy, but got caught up in how beautiful your eyes are, how much I wanted you.  Lots of times I had my chance and let it go because the thought of the world without you in it was unthinkable.  Wouldn’t be a world worth savin’without you.” 
 
Buffy tried to wrap her mind around Spike loving her.  She knew he could love; it wasn’t that.  She had long ago had to admit to herself that Spike was capable of love.  She had seen it in his care for Dru.  She remembered how quickly he had turned away from an easy win, a chance to drain her dry with little or no effort, in that weird vampire-lovin' nightclub full of misguided kids.  One threat to Dru and he’d made all the minions stand down!  She’d seen a form of love directed at her mother and Dawn too.  “So it’s lust?”
 
“No, Buffy, it’s love.  So much love it spills over and even wound up covering your nearest and dearest.  First your mum and little, sis but also--and I WILL kill you if you ever say a word--that band of misfit toys you surround yourself with too.  That’s another part of your power...you make even a monster like me want to be a man and a good man at that.”  He drew in a shaky breath.  “Not like I can manage it, but you make me want to try.”
 
Buffy let the idea swirl around a bit and found that she was not as uncomfortable as she would have expected to be.  She hadn’t really considered what she felt for this particular vampire.  She knew she preferred the world with him in it.  He made her laugh, made her think.  He surprised her in a good way more times than she could count.  She looked forward to patrol when he went with her; he made it fun.  She liked discovering little things about him that he liked to think were hidden, like his intelligence and sensitivity.  She’d known for a long while that she didn’t hate him and it was clear that she was far from indifferent, but love?  She remembered how she felt when she had seen him a few weeks earlier, all damaged and defenseless.  She cared, no way to deny that. But how could she possibly explain that with mere words, without giving false hope or dismissing him out of hand?
 
She took a deep breath and endeavored to explain. “I don't love you, Spike--well, at least not like that.   I don't know what I feel or what it might turn into.  I know that when I knew you were in here, I was scared for you but also comforted knowing you were close.  I know that I feel stronger with you at my side.  I know that when I saw you after Riley...just the thought of you hurt badly--or worse, dead--was unbearable.”
 
Spike’s voice was barely audible, “What's that mean?”
 
“I don't know.  Maybe it’s because of all the stuff goin’ on otherwise.  You might not have noticed, but we're prisoners of a bunch of well armed lunatics and the whole world is being turned into scorched earth.  I'm supposed to keep the balance and I can't even keep one vampire that I care about from being so badly hurt that my heart breaks.” She threw up her hands in frustration, “Why bring love into it now?”
 
Spike shrugged and looked at her with an endearingly tilted head and hope in his eyes.  “A bloke keeps bein’ taken to the edge of dust, he starts to think about all the things that are important.  All the people, all the dreams, all the chances not taken, all the words that didn't get said.  Suppose I just couldn't not say it.”  He looked at Buffy and saw her start to retreat behind one of her walls. “Not askin’ anything from you, Buffy.  Told you how I feel, don't expect anything back.  Be a bloody miracle if you did feel somethin’ for the likes of me, and there’s not usually a miracle for monsters.  Haven't got the best track record when it comes to gettin’ the response I want when I love anyway.”  He gave a rueful laugh, “Just don’t make fun of the lovesick vampire, yeah?”
 
Buffy could see his heart on his sleeve as clearly as if it were literally there. “I wouldn't do that.  I've seen how you can love.  I get that your emotions are real.”  Part of her wanted to immerse herself in this unexpected situation filled with a plethora of possibilities, but another part, the Slayer part, couldn’t let herself be sidetracked from the mission, the bigger picture.  She sighed, “This isn't really the best time or place for this kind of discussion, even though I get why you said it. By the way, you’re not a monster; you haven’t been in a long time.”
 
Spike whispered, “So there’s hope?”
 
Buffy let out a small laugh of her own, “For the world or for us?”
 
“Both?”
 
She might not know what she felt towards, Spike but one thing she did know: she didn’t want to add to any hurt.  “No promises.  I think we have a much better chance of surviving this and getting out of here in one piece now that we're together.  We've saved the world together before and I don't count us out this time either.  About the emotional stuff…I really don't know.  Spike, I'm pretty screwed up that way; I have been since Angel.  I don't know if I CAN love, even if I want to.”
 
Spike scoffed, “Sweetheart, you ARE love.”   Buffy looked at him sharply. “You got burned and learned a lot of wrong lessons.  You were young and fresh and wonderfully open and giving and you had a master of emotional torture twist all that. “
 
Buffy felt her hackles rise as they always did when she went into protective mode regarding Angel. “Angel isn't like that!”  She wasn’t nearly as angry as she would have expected. 
 
“Angel is exactly like that.  I lived with the wanker, remember.  No soul…soul…didn't matter, same basic character. “
 
Buffy crossed her arms in front of her like an angry schoolteacher.  “You knew Angelus!  He changed completely with the soul.”
 
“Knew him after the soul too, pet.” Buffy looked surprised.  She thought Angel had parted with the others right after the curse had forced a soul on him.  “He stayed with us till the Boxer Rebellion.  Got that soul in 1898, so he traveled with us a couple of years after that.  Only thing different was he fed on people he decided were worthless.  Didn’t see much different in him otherwise.  In fact, didn’t know about the soul till after.  Next I saw him was on a submarine with a bunch of Nazis and the origins of this group of rotters.”  He gestured around them, implying the Initiative in general.  “Had that soul then too, but it didn’t stop him from sirin’ this dyin’ American sailor who clearly didn’t want any part of that kind of eternal life.”
 
Buffy looked shocked.  Obviously there were stories that Angel hadn’t thought to share about his background.  ‘Why does that not surprise me?’
 
“Liam was always drawn to innocence and beauty.  Liked to corrupt the pure, even as a human.  Had a pretty predictable M.O. too: stalks and plays the mystery man, gets their attention.  Hands them partial truths and outright lies when it best suits him, gives sentimental gifts.  Likes to pulls you close only to push you away as soon as you start reciprocating.”  Buffy couldn’t help but recognize the beginning of her relationship with Angel.  If Spike was right, it was no different than Angelus on the hunt.   She felt a chill.
 
 When it looked like Buffy was listening and not immediately gong on the defensive, he continued, “Difference was Angel with a soul wanted to possess you, consume you in a different way.  Angelus, no soul, wanted to possess you like he did Dru...make you his great masterpiece, total corruption of all that innocence and you forever in his power.  You bein’ the Slayer was icin’ on his cake.”
 
“Angel, all soulful, left you, told you it wouldn't work, but he never really let you go.  Always making sure your heart stays his, that he possesses you even if he can't have you completely.”  He caught her jaw taking on a firmness that should have alarmed him.  “Know this makes you angry and I’m not sayin’ it to rile you.  You say you can’t love, blaming yourself for that whole disaster. Darling, you were played by a master then left to feel that the fault was yours.  He was the one a couple of hundred years old, the one who never anchored that soul or even tried to later when he got it back again.  He's the one who should have known he was doin’ the same to you he always did as Angelus.  All you did was love the soddin’ bastard with your whole innocent heart.”
 
“Well, that shows that I'm not a good enough judge to allow myself to love.  If I make a mistake, people die.”  Buffy wiped at an unwelcomed tear.
 
Spike was courting that broken nose again, he knew it.  Still, he couldn’t let this remarkable but damaged girl keep on blaming herself, shutting herself off.  Even if she never brought herself to love him, she was made to love someone.  To hold all that love inside, to not share it, would be a crime. “That pimple-faced playboy wannabe who hurt you last year was human, right?”
 
Buffy was still dwelling on what Spike had said about Angel and their relationship and had to think fast to catch up to what he was talking about. “Parker?  Yes.”
 
“That mistake rule out all humans?”
 
“No! “ Of course it didn’t.  She had blamed herself, but no one had died.  She’d tried again with Riley.  Her face crumpled at that thought.  Once more she had loved someone and they turned into a monster.
 
“Angel didn't deserve your love, but that shouldn't rule out all vampires.  We're not alike.  I'm not Angelus; William was no Liam. I'd love you better than Angel with that soul any day,” Spike vowed.
 
Buffy shared her latest realization.   “What about Riley?  He’s human, was a good guy, but look at what my love has done to him.”
 
Spike laughed, “You takin’ credit for the shortcomings of Finn now?  Buffy, he was no better than Liam.  Bein’ human’s got nothin’ to do with it and neither does your love.  He had character flaws from the start.  Couldn’t handle you havin’ the power, for one thing.  Didn’t appreciate the incredible woman you are. Always had a touch of the bully in him. Besides, I don’t think you actually loved the sadist anyway.”
Buffy resisted the temptation to agree, she was trying to make a point after all.  “That’s because I still love Angel.”  There, take that!
 
Instead of shutting up, Spike merely nodded, “I still love Dru. ‘Sides, doesn't that prove you can still love?”  He gave her the full head tilt and looked deep into her eyes, “Are you still IN love with him?  Still have dreams of some happy ever after with Peaches?”
 
Buffy knew that if she lied and said yes, it would end the conversation, but it would also hurt Spike.  Besides, they were being honest with one another, and in her heart of hearts she knew a yes would be a lie. “No, I know better.  I know we'd never make it and not just because of the curse.  We've grown apart. I don't know him now…if I ever did…and he only knows the 16-year-old girl in love for the first time.  I'm not her.  I still love him though, I always will.”
 
Spike swallowed and bit back on his frustration that Buffy was still seeing his grandsire as someone worthy of her time and love.  Still, he had to think of the girl, not his own issues.  “Makes sense.  He was your first…everything.  The word is ‘first’ though; that usually means others come later.”  He smiled at her with just a hint of mischief.  “I'm fine with that.  Don't mind him being your first love, first lover, as long as I've got a shot at being your last.  I don't leave, Buffy.”
 
Buffy remembered all the drama she had witnessed between Spike and Dru and thought about how many decades he had put up with her bad treatment.  “I believe you mean that.”  She felt her heart lurch as she realized she yearned for someone to love her with that loyalty and intensity.  “I wish I could be what you want, give you what you need.  I see things in you that my heart cries for...someone who will stay, who takes all of me and is okay with it, who can be my equal partner.  I just can't love, not again.”
 
Spike looked around and thought about their current situation, then closed his eyes.  “You can, but yeah, not now, I get that.  Probably shouldn't have said anything, but you never know when time is gonna run out.  It’s important to me that you know that no matter what… look, if you never feel anything for me but kindness and compassion like you already do, that’s fine.  What I want you to take away from this is that you are cherished, adored.  I want you to know that not everybody who loves you walks away.  Only thing that could make me leave is if these bastards finally do off me.”
 
Buffy felt bile rise along with her panic at the thought.  Her face showed her horror at the idea of losing him and it made his heart swell.
 
“Don’t say anything now, Slayer.  Let’s get clear of here, save the world, make it happy for puppy dogs and kiddies again as well as peaceful demons and their spawn.  I'm not asking you for anything, love.  I'm hoping; I can't stop that.  Meanwhile, I'll just love you, try not to push and wait for you to add another number to that ‘first’ that's holding you back.” 
 
Buffy bit her lower lip, “What if it never happens or if it takes me forever?”
 
Spike’s eyes sparkled, “I'm not getting any older, pet.  Got all the time in the world.  You're worth any wait.”

Buffy cleared her throat, “So…partner mine, any thoughts on how we might blow this popsicle stand?’
 
***