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Chapter 36
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"A word if you will, Buffy."  Giles had on his concerned Watcher face.
 
"Sure, Giles, but can't it wait?  Spike and I want to set up quarters down by the loading docks, get the windows painted before next sunrise."
 
Giles looked uncomfortable.  He'd downright squirmed at hearing the words 'Spike and I'.  "Actually that leads me to the subject I wish to discuss."
 
And there it was!  Buffy looked at her Watcher, mentor and surrogate father and could see the wheels spin.  His Slayer, his girl, falling for yet another vampire.  All the old memories of the disaster that had been Angel/Angelus must be screaming inside of him.
 
"Giles, you know I love you, but I'm a big girl now and any mistakes you think I'm making are mine to make."
 
"Some mistakes have lethal consequences, my dear, as you well know.  I would be remiss in my duties not to point them out to you."
 
"That's fine, Giles, but number one, I learned from my mistakes and won't be repeating them, and number two, Spike isn't Angel.  He's not even Angelus and that would be a more accurate comparison since he doesn't have a soul."
 
Giles removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.  He hated treading into these waters with anyone; it went against his reticent British nature.  Still, it was Buffy and the girl had already suffered far too much in her short life.  With Joyce gone it fell to him to try to offer the wisdom of age and experience.
 
"Buffy, I cannot in good conscience stand by and watch you risk that kind of hurt again."  He saw the set jaw of his charge and conceded what he could.  "I agree that Spike is nothing like his wanker of a grand-sire.  I will go so far as to admit that Spike has proven his worth as an ally.  He has been rather startling in his ability to choose good; I admit to being impressed.  Nonetheless, he is a vampire."
 
"I had noticed," Buffy snarked.  "Kinda my job description to see those kinds of details."
 
"Yes, yes, I meant no dismissal of your skills or commitment," he sighed.  "Sometimes events occur that can cloud our thinking.  This applies to humans in a general sense as well.  I might have the same misgivings were Spike a human male for that matter.  His being a vampire merely compounds the potential disaster should the worst case prove true."
 
Buffy leaned against the desk and let Giles get this off his chest.  She knew well what happened when someone let fears and concerns fester within.  Better to get it all out in the open and air it out.  "I'm listening."
 
Giles was silent, clearly gathering his thoughts.  He'd half expected Buffy to reject his input altogether.  To have her willing to listen had taken him enough by surprise that he wasn't totally prepared.  Giles was struck anew by how much his girl had matured during the course of events of the past year.  He was still adjusting to the change. 
 
"You see, wartime has traditionally seen people cling to one another.  Even total strangers can become involved.  The acute nature of life and death issues seems to make people want to bond.  There is a reason that wartime romances are fairly cliché.  Marriages are entered into in haste on short acquaintance. Liaisons take place that never would under other circumstances. There is a good reason for the large increase in births post war."
 
Buffy giggled, "Well, that's one issue we don't have to worry about.  Spike's not likely to get me pregnant...unless whatever Power That Be caused Angel's swimmers to go active and father Connor gets involved.  If the Powers are meddling, you'd think there are other issues they'd get involved with instead of seeing me get knocked up."
 
"Yes, well…," Giles cleared his throat, face paling to a ghostly shade.  Discussing the subject of Buffy's reproductive possibilities had made the red of his blush more pronounced against the whitened countenance.  "Aside from those rather personal details that, and I beg you not to discuss with me in any detail, there are emotional considerations to...erm...consider."
 
Spike had stopped at the office door, mesmerized by the sound of Buffy giggling and not wanting to intrude.  He was also not willing to walk away and not hear the conversation that had so tickled her.  He had caught the tail end of her comments and wondered why the Watcher was suddenly concerned with his ability to procreate or when Giles had decided it was his business.
 
"I deal in life and death moments all the time, Giles.  I have since I was fifteen."  Buffy stopped herself from adding a well-deserved eyeroll.  "My life is wartime and will be until I die.  I've accepted that."
 
"I'm so sorry, Buffy.  I'd change that for you if I could."
 
Buffy smiled at Giles, "I know that.  I kinda don't mind anymore.  It used to really bug me, but not so much now.  I'm not planning to go down easy or soon," she shrugged.  "Besides, no one knows what their time-stamp might be.  I always expected my mom to live to be ancient and hoped Dawnie would give her a ton of grandbabies and great-grandbabies to spoil before she...left.  Instead she died before she was even fifty.  I learned that you can't let things like when you're number is up make your choices for you 'cause you never know when it will happen."
 
"Of course that is true," Giles nodded.  "It also does not make my points moot."
 
"Yeah, I get that.  Wartime romances are of the bad.  But still, what's wrong with a touch of gentle when everything is harsh?  What's bad about reaching for some joy, a ray of hope?  It seems to me that having something, someone, to hold onto in wartime is of the good."
 
Spike felt the gaping maw of pain devour his recent joy at hearing his Slayer's words. 'That what it was?  I thought it meant more to her than just some stolen moment of good in the middle of all the bad.' 
 
Spike thought to himself, ‘If that's what she needs, I'll still give it to her.  That's what I get for expectin' more.  Why should Buffy love me after just a few years when Dru couldn't with a century?’  He turned and headed back to the tunnels to continue packing up what was left.
 
"I understand, Buffy, but there is much more at stake with your...involvement with Spike than just any wartime relationship.  What will he do once we achieve peace and you move on?"
 
"I never said that's what it is with me and Spike!"  Buffy finally did roll her eyes.  "You're putting words into my mouth and I've got plenty of my own in there already."
 
"But you just said--," Giles began only to have Buffy cut him off.
 
"I just said there were good things about wartime romances. I never said that was what was happening with me.  Spike and I had started to be friends long before this stuff started!  Yeah, I was dating Riley, but we were having trouble and it was ending on its own.  Some of that was probably because a part of me already liked Spike's company more than Riley's.  We were headed for more than friendship no matter what."  Buffy started to pace, frustrated that Giles still had a scowl that indicated he wasn't taking her seriously.
 
"Yeah, I'll grant you that our being in a cell together might have speeded things up, but that's ALL it did.  I was already attracted to him and he was already in love with me." 
 
She stopped her pacing right in front of Giles.  "Remember Willow’s ‘Will Be Done’ spell right after Spike got chipped?"
 
"How could I forget?" Giles shuddered at the memory.
 
"Her will for me was that I marry Spike, not that I love him.  Lots of people get married who aren't in love."  She looked directly into Giles' eyes as if willing him to follow the dots.  "BOTH Spike and I were in love, Giles.  LOVE.  We weren't just going to get married but were head over heels in love.  I remember how that felt.  That didn't come from her spell but from somewhere in our subconscious."
 
"I suppose you could put that slant on it."
 
"Not a slant, Giles, a revelation!  Do you seriously think I haven't thought about the path that led me here?  Giles, I'm gun-shy.  I'm not afraid of much; I can't be and do my duty as Slayer. After what happened with Angel, I'm terrified of my emotions, scared of making another horrific mistake that leads to a lot of dead bodies.  I have no confidence in my choices, not until now.  I had time to think in there...lots of time.  When I started having feelings beyond friendship, I put on the brakes.  I took out every feeling, every encounter and put them under a microscope.  I tried every way imaginable to logic away what I was feeling, what he was feeling.  Guess what?  All it did was make everything really clear."
 
"Clear in what way?"
 
"Clear in that I lo…care about Spike and he loves me.  It's not some wartime thing.  It's not obsession.  It's not desperation.  It’s been building for years."
 
***     
 
“This is great!” Willow was busy setting up her com center, or nerve center as she liked to call it.  “The caves were fine and I’m so glad Spike thought that far ahead but, you know, I prefer living above ground, not like a mole.”
 
“Yeah, I’m starting to feel like a Troglyte from Star Trek’s Cloud Minders and I’ve only been down there a few weeks!” Xander’s inner nerd agreed.
 
“Nonetheless, the caves and tunnels have served well and will continue to do so,” Giles reminded them.  “Now we will have more room for stockpiling supplies for further forays against the infrastructure.”
 
“And for hiding people as things get worse.”
 
“Indeed.  Is that all of our equipment?”  Giles looked around the warehouse office space and began to mentally divide the area.
 
“Think so.  We’ve got power now,” Willow cheered as she brought up her computer.  “Took all my latent geek skills, but we’ve got net connections and cell phones get better reception up here.”
 
“Just like in the big city…without the big and the city parts of course,” Xander teased.  “Looks like something from Mad Max out there,” he peeked out the small window pane that looked outdoors.
 
The non-sunlight-sensitive members of the group appreciated the small openings to the outer world.  Of course, those small panes would be heavily covered at night so their lights wouldn’t show that there was anyone in the long abandoned warehouse.
 
“Got a while before Angel’s group checks in about their operation up North.   Hope they had as much success as we did down here.  Joe Perkins coordinated their targets and he was always great with explosives, so I’m expecting good news.”  Xander missed his friend and remembered learning all about explosive placement from the older man.
 
“It’ll be even longer before we hear from the Devon Coven and the European groups reporting in.”  Willow yawned widely.  It had been a long day of moving.  “I’m going to set up my sleep area now that we’re up and running.  I claim dibs on the alcove next to the bathroom.”  She was chipper again with the success of their first big operation and the move above ground.  She still missed Tara terribly, but now that things were looking up, so were her spirits.  Besides, she hadn’t lost the ability to chat online.
 
“I can’t believe we let the vampire appropriate the sofa bed for their room by the docks,” Xander groaned.  “Ratty as it was, it beat the sleeping bag on the floor we’re stuck with.”
 
“Perhaps in good time we can find a way to add some bits of comfort,” Giles mused.
 
“Or this can finally be over and we can all go home,” Willow sighed wistfully.
 
***
 
“Why are you all Silent Vamp all of a sudden?”  Buffy set down her end of the sofa bed and glared at Spike.  “I thought you’d be all happy after last night.”
 
“Last night meant everything to me,” he emphasized the last word just enough that Buffy easily caught the implied accusation.
 
“What?  You think it was nothing to me?  I told you I’m not Easy Buffy.”
 
“Not sayin’ you are,” Spike shuffled his feet and looked a combination of hurt, angry and nervous.  Not a good look on him, if you asked Buffy.
 
“Spike, I didn’t plan last night; you did.” She saw his body stiffen defensively.  “I didn’t mean it like that!”  She put a soothing hand on his arm.  “I just meant it took me by surprise, a good surprise, a better than good surprise, that’s all.  Maybe I’m not so good with first morning afters and you didn’t just get it, but last night meant more than I can say to me too.”
 
“So you’re down for a wartime romance then? “  His voice dropped to a whisper, “What about after?”
 
“Wartime…?” She flinched backward.  What was it with the men around her that they …  “Wait!  Did you overhear me and Giles earlier ‘cause gotta say eavesdropping…not your friend.”
 
“Yeah, I heard,” Spike huffed while trying to look anything but hurt.  “Well, heard enough anyway.”
 
“Apparently not,” Buffy argued.
 
“Look, pet, I’m no bloody Milton Warden and got too many sunlight issues to be rollin’ in the surf while the music soars,” he started to pace, clearly agitated.  “I’m the borin’ guy who sticks around till I’m tossed to one side or get replaced.  I’m the one stays there for the fightin’ and for the makin’ up, good times and terrible.  Not some bleedin’ chick flick leadin’ man that can’t really last.
 
“I know!  I never thought you were.  I don’t want some ‘From Here to Eternity’ fantasy and, yeah, I got the reference.  I kinda like my eternity to be more literal.  I want a guy who stays!  I’ve never had that.  I know you, Spike.  I’ve seen you and how you are when you care.  You give everything to the woman you love, sacrifice anything.  It’s almost scary.”
 
“I scare you?”
 
“No, I scare me!”
 
Spike looked puzzled at her admission.“I don’t know if I can love like that.  I can be pretty self-absorbed.”
 
“That’s not how I see you, pet.”
 
Buffy smiled softly.  She wasn’t wordy girl, but maybe this was the time to try.
 
“Look…I’ve had time to think lately and I actually used the time to do just that.  Back before I moved to Sunnydale, I dated a guy.  Funny enough, his name was Pike; must have been an omen,” she giggled as she shook her head.  “Anyway, he was the first guy I dated after I got called.  He was fine with me being the Slayer, too fine.  He tried to fight at my side until he decided he was holding me back.”
 
Spike sat on the sofa and gave Buffy his full attention.  They’d talked a lot while in the cell, but Buffy wasn’t one to open up on emotional issues.  He knew the importance of what was happening.
 
“Then there was Angel,” Buffy noted his frown and low growl.  “What can I say?  It happened and it changed everything, at least for me.”  Spike tried to school his features to not show his jealousy and his disgust at the thought of his Slayer and Grandsire’s ill-fated love story.
 
“I was so young, even younger than my years when it comes to emotional stuff.  I didn’t even give Angel a second look for a long time.  He was this kinda creepy older guy who skulked around and popped up with no warning, dropping hints and vague warnings.  I remember I called him Cryptic Guy.  I could see he was handsome, but that was all, really.  I was more interested in the cute guys in school and that was before I even knew he was a vampire.”
 
“Should’ve gone with those first impressions, love.”
 
Buffy smiled as she gently swatted his arm.  “Yeah, well…anyway…  Eventually things with the guys at school proved to be disasters and Angel started batting those cow eyes and making romantic poses and before you know it he switched from Cryptic Guy to mysterious and nobly tragic.”
 
Spike snorted and shook his head.  “Outside of the nobly tragic part of the act, it sounds like standard Angelus Stalking 101.”
 
Buffy looked surprised that any part of Angel was like the creature Spike had known so well as Angelus.  It took her a short pause to continue.  “Well, you know how well that turned out.”
 
“Some of it, yeah.  Be willin’ to hear it all one day if you want to share or need to,” Spike offered gently.  He knew whatever the details might be, they had left deep scars.  He’d wager that most of Buffy’s romantic problems could be traced right to Angel’s door.
 
“That takes us to the mistake known as Riley.”  Spike felt his skin crawl at the reminder of his recent torturer.  Come to think of it, both her main exes had taken delight in torturing him.
 
“Never did understand that one.”
 
“He was my attempt to go for that normal everyone told me I should want, that I convinced myself I wanted.  Something other than another ‘freak show’,” Buffy shuddered at some memory.  “That’s what Angel called what we had.”
 
“Got that right, but not ‘cause he was a vamp, just 'cause he was a wanker who never learned how to love proper.”
 
“At any rate, you were there for the whole Riley thing.  I just couldn’t be what he needed.  I never was able to open up completely to him, let him in.”  Buffy thought back over her most recent disaster and felt the guilt rise.  “I think I drove him a bit crazy.  You know better than anyone what he’s turned into.  I’ll always think that if I’d only loved him better…who am I kidding…if I’d actually loved him,  maybe he would never have turned into a monster.”  She laughed bitterly.  “Great track record.  I love Angel more than I should and unleash a monster.  I can’t really love Riley and unleash another monster.”
 
“Not you, love, just the men you tried to build somethin’ with.  They were monsters in masks before you ever came into their lives.”
 
Buffy wasn’t too sure about that but let it go for now.  She was pretty tired of baring her soul and wanted the comfort of baring something else now that they seemed to be on the same page again.  Time enough for deep meaningful sharing another day.  It hadn’t been as hard as she had expected.  Spike was surprisingly easy to talk to.
 
“I won’t say the words you want to hear until I know I really feel them the way you deserve.  I’m tired of having them not mean the real thing.  I don’t know if I can ever love the way you do, but until I’m sure I can love the way I believe I can, real and pure, I won’t say those words.  But just because I don’t say them doesn’t mean that what we have now doesn’t mean anything or that I’ll never say them.  Are you okay with that?”
 
“Better than okay.” He gathered his girl into his arms and held her in love’s silent embrace.