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Chapter 6
 
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    “You’re it?” Buffy asked Xander. The Magic Box was otherwise empty, and he appeared to be manning the store. “Where’s Anya?”

    “Entertaining some vengeance demon named Hallie,” Xander said.

    “Ugh!” Buffy threw the Doublemeat Burger down on the table and buried her head in her hands. “So much for my friends.”

    “I actually wanted to talk to you about that,” Xander said. “Buffy, what did you think you were doing, throwing Willow out?”

    Buffy glared. “She nearly got Dawn killed. Do you get that? I’ve got too many black marks on me, Dawn’s been taken away.”

    “But Willow needs you right now.”

    “Xander... don’t you get it? I can’t have anyone needing me right now. There’s no me left to give.”

    Xander sat down. “Buffy. I get that you’re in a bad space. I really... I really can’t understand what you’re going through. But I can see what you’re doing. And what you’re doing is self-destructing, and you’re taking all of us with you.”

    Buffy glared at him. “How is this my fault? I didn’t ask to be brought back.”

    “We were trying to save your life. You’re one of my best friends, Buffy. You’re alive. You expect me to be unhappy about that?”

    Buffy closed her eyes and tilted her head to the ceiling. “Why am I alive?”

    “Because we love you.”

    “No, because you all wanted me to take care of all your problems for you!” Buffy said. “I’m the slayer, I’m not Mighty Mouse. I’m made to kill vampires, not micro-manage finances that you and everyone else petered away, or analyze your romances before they implode, or baby-sit runaway witches and help keep them off magic.”

    “Willow’s moved in with Amy,” Xander said. “I think she’s back on the magic.”

    Buffy laughed without a trace of humor. “That was even shorter than the first time.”

    “I know,” Xander said. “That’s what I’m trying to say. Willow needed you to be there for her, and you weren’t.”

    “I needed all of you to be here for me!” Buffy said. “To be here, for me. Instead Spike dusts himself, Giles runs away, and you four decide you need me to play mother hen, so you ignore everything until I get back. What part of this is being here and taking care of the world for me? I died for you, for fuck’s sake!”

    “You died for Dawn.”

    “Yeah, and I’ve lost her, too,” Buffy said. “And now I’ve got this job, and these skeevy burgers. I just hoped some one of you could analyze the thing, ‘cause I–” Buffy stopped.

    “What? What’s so skeevy about it?” Xander said with his mouth full.

    Buffy stared at him. It was eloquent, this moment. The only scooby who actually bothered to show up... and he devoured the only thing she had. “You know what?” Buffy said. “Nothing. It’s just an ordinary burger.”

     Buffy sat back and watched Xander eat.


***
   

    “I’m telling you, you still have a soul, Buffy,” Tara said. “Honestly. I mean, you are a little different, but... that was the whole point of Willow’s spell. To call your soul back.”

    “But I am different? How?”

    “Just... kind of at a cellular level, you’ve got some strange shifts. Nothing that should be affecting your personality or anything. It changed some of your biometrics. Some changes in the energetic balances in your own electro-magnetic field. But nothing that should have broken you or made you less human.”

    “I’m still me?”

    “Yep. Still you.”

    “No. No, this can’t be me,” Buffy said. Tears were starting to well in her eyes. “This can’t be me. This isn’t me, I won’t believe it.”

    “What are you talking about?”

    “Tara... I killed a girl. Two days ago. I... I didn’t even care. There were demons in the woods, and time was all weird, and I hit her, and she went down... and I just looked at her, and I walked away.”

    “You killed someone?”

    “I killed... I’ve been killing all the time,” Buffy said. “Mostly it’s demons, but... but does that make it right? Some of them weren’t even attacking me! They were just... there.”

    “Um... you killed someone?”

    Buffy blinked. “I... I think I did. I didn’t mean to. I was trying to save her. The police... they can’t pinpoint her time of death. They think it was from days before, but... I know it was me. I saw her alive.”

    “Buffy, that doesn’t make any sense.”

    “I don’t make any sense!” Buffy wailed. “What am I doing? Why can’t I stop? Why don’t I care? Why... why I do I only feel like a monster?”

    “You’re not a monster.”

    “I am.” Buffy was crying in earnest now. “I’m a killer and a murderer and a monster.”

    “You’re trying to help people,” Tara said. “Really. It was your calling, to kill demons. It’s okay.”

    “It is not okay!” Buffy sobbed. “Don’t tell me I’m okay! Don’t tell me this is me, don’t tell me I’m normal! Don’t forgive me, Tara! Please! Please don’t forgive me, please! Please!” She fell into the young witch’s lap and sobbed uncontrollably. Even though she’d kind of known this before, it had never hit her quite like this. She was a monster, all by herself. All the death and the sin and the evil... all of that was on her soul.

    She would never get back to heaven. Never, ever again.
    

***


    “Um... happy birthday, Buffy.”

    “Dawn... why?”

    Dawn looked at Buffy through the glass. “I don’t know.”

    “Was the foster family that bad?” Buffy asked.

    “No. Not really. I mean... they’re kind of cold and impersonal, and they were really strict. They made me go to church. But they weren’t why I started stealing.”

    “Why did you?”

    “I don’t know,” Dawn said. “I’ve been doing it ever since Mom died.”

    Buffy blinked. “Why?”

    “I don’t know! I mean, Spike and I broke into the Magic Box to steal Giles’ notes, ‘cause I knew you were hiding something from me. I guess that’s how it started. But then after Mom died I stole the books to try and resurrect her, and then Spike and I stole the egg for that spell, and... I don’t know. It just got to feel like stealing stuff was... doing something. Something to make things better.”

    Buffy sagged. “How much have you stolen?”

    “You mean, all in all, or... or what they’ve caught me on?”

    Buffy closed her eyes. “Both.”

    “Well, I... I kinda lost count, of everything.”

    Buffy swallowed a groan.

    “Some clothes and make-up and art supplies and stuff. But it’s just the ring they got me on, now. I mean, I’ve been caught on some other things before, but it was all petty stuff. But the ring was diamond. I thought it was just rhinestone or something...”

    “Dawn, tell me the truth.”

    “The others were just misdemeanors,” Dawn said. “The ring was technically grand theft. The sentence is a year Buffy!”

    “Well, at least they’re just charging you as a juvenile.”

    “Yeah, but a year in juvie? It’s not fair! Can’t you get me out of it?”

    Buffy stared at Dawn in disbelief. “How?”

    “Couldn’t you just pay a fine or something?”

    “With what money?” Buffy asked. “I killed the demon at the Doublemeat, but they weren’t gonna hire me back.”

    “Well... yeah, but... you’re the slayer! You can do anything!”

    “Dawn... I can’t, baby.”

    “Sure you can. You help everyone with everything, and you won’t help me?”

    “Dawn, what did you think was going to happen? You steal things, eventually you’re gonna get caught. And this wasn’t a one time deal. You’re telling me you’ve been doing this regularly for over a year. You’re already in foster care, that’s one mark against you, and–”

    “And I’ve got you for a crazy sister,” Dawn said with poison in her voice. “That’s gotta be another ten.”

    Buffy was hurt by her words. She kept wishing she’d get too numb to feel pain, but... no. The hurt kept coming. “I can’t do anything here, Dawn,” Buffy said. “You made your bed. You skipped school, you stole, you freaked out all the time. Congratulations, you made it where you were heading.”

    “And you won’t help me?”

    “Help you what? Break out of juvie?”

    Dawn paused, and then shrugged. “You’re strong enough, aren’t you?”

    Buffy lost her temper. “You want me sharing a cell beside Faith? What world do you live in, Dawn? I can’t just snap my fingers and make it so you’re not trapped in there. Not in this world. You’re a criminal. If you get out, you’ll still be a criminal. Call Willow, maybe she can help you become an escaped convict. Hell, you’re a key – unlock your own damn cell!”

    “That wasn’t really what I wanted,” Dawn said, miffed.

    “It sure sounded like it!” She stood up and glared at her sister. “I have enough problems, Dawn. I may end up beside Faith yet. Maybe you’re better off in there.”

    “That’s mean,” Dawn said. “You’re my sister. You’re supposed to help me.”

    “Well,” Buffy said, fighting back the tears. “Maybe you’re better off without me, too.”

 

 
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