Disclaimer: Joss would never do this to any of his characters, I’m evil that way, cause it’s fun.
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Chapter 3: The ‘Humiliate Angel’ Road trip

Spike followed Carlos back to the limo, and slid in next to him. The mail room boy seemed extremely eager to get in good with Angel the boss man. Spike suspected a slight crush from the boy in the broody one’s direction.

“Firstly I need to get some colour into this wardrobe of mine,” said Spike.

Carlos nodded eagerly. “I know just the place Mr Angel.”

Spike leaned over to check the limo’s stash of booze, and was pleasantly surprised that it had been restocked.

Uncorking the decanter, Spike had to admit that the poofter did have excellent taste in whiskey.

The limo pulled in front of a very loud men’s store. Spike smiled sinisterly. This was going to be fun.

An hour and a half later Spike emerged from the place with Carlos in tow, sporting the most outrageous lime green suit Spike had ever seen, with an orange shirt and white dress shoes. The clerk at the store had said that it suited his complexion very well. Spike just hoped that when Angel got the pictures back he was there to see his face.

“To the stylist Carlos,” ordered Spike with a gleam in his eye.

When Spike emerged from Carlos’ stylist, Spike, well Angel actually, was sporting neon pink hair.
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The next stop in the humiliate Angel’s body road trip was a place called “Need another Hole?” It wasn’t the classiest of joints as piercing parlours went, but Angel’s body was a vampire body and was not susceptible to those nasty germs and bacteria that would kill a human being.

He listened intently as the man with the piercing gun told him all the pertinent information about keeping the piercing clean and free from infection.

Spike nodded absently, planning other delights for later.

Spike removed his shirt and sat back in the chair. He had chosen a medium sized silver hoop for Angel’s left nipple, and a silver barbell for his right ear.

Spike hadn’t had a piercing since the 70’s, it was unfortunate that on vampires piercing hole just grew back as soon as you took out the stud.

“Come on then, let’s get this over with,” said Spike, “Carlos? You got the camera ready?”

The mail room boy nodded. Spike had contracted Carlos to take pictures of the road trip, providing endless hours of fun, and blackmail.
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“Where to next boss,” asked Carlos.

The sun had at last gone down.

“Take me somewhere I can dance Carlos,” ordered Spike.
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Buffy stepped off the plan nervous and anxious, but ever so glad that that horror was now over. Of course this also meant that she had had to take out the ear plugs and now she had to listen to Andrew.

“I have valid points too you know, you can’t just dismiss me! I am a valuable member of the team. To the mission,” whined Andrew, ineffectually lugging his large suitcase behind him.

“The mission?” asked Buffy sceptically. “To escort Xander to the doctors? Just how are you a vital member of the mission team? Why do you even need to be here?”

Andrew shrank back.

“He’s here for the comic relief, Buffster. This is a traumatic time for me, more so than the losing of the eye. I could have the eye of a murderer or something stuck in my head,” offered Xander.

“I’m sure that’s not going to happen Xan. But if you feel that Luke Skywalker here is useful, who am to complain, just a slayer, one among many.”

The two men stared at Buffy for a few seconds.

“Who said that only the guestage could whine?” said Buffy, grabbing her suitcase and walking out of the airport, swaying her hips.

“She needs to get laid,” whispered Andrew.

“In the worst way,” agreed Xander.
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The bar that Carlos picked out was one that Spike knew that Angel would have a hard time believing he was ever in. The bouncer at the door was in drag and was undressing him with his eyes.

Spike resisted the urge to punch the drag queen’s nose, instead he motioned Carlos to take a picture of him and the bouncer.

“You don’t mind do you?” Spike asked the bouncer, who was smiling dumbly up at Spike.

Spike wrapped his arm around the bouncer and pulled him close, raising his leg up. They smiled for the camera.

The bouncer even had the gall to slip Spike his number. Spike just smiled and thanked the man wearing the dress. Maybe Spike could make Angel a little scrap book.

Spike looked closer at the number.

The bouncer’s name was Percy.

Spike and Carlos entered the club and headed straight for the bar.
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It seemed to Buffy that she had been doing an extraordinary amount of waiting during this trip. Cause now she was waiting outside Angel’s office waiting for Angel to show up. He was supposed to introduce Xander to the doctors that would be doing his operation.

It was official she was bored. Harmony had told her that Angel was out, but he was expected back any time.

That was an hour ago.

You don’t leave Buffy Summers waiting for an hour.

“Harmony, I’m going in Angel’s office to use the phone,” Buffy stated.

Gathering up her purse and leaving Xander and Andrew playing gameboy Buffy breezed past Harmony and into Angel’s office.

Setting her purse down on Angel’s desk, Buffy grabbed the phone and started dialling Giles’ number. She had gotten to the 7th digit when she looked over into the far corner of the dark office....and fainted.
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Buffy woke up to see Harmony hovering over her, muttering to Xander and Andrew, Wesley and a few others she didn’t recognize right away.

Then she saw him.

Looking past the whole congregation, she locked her eyes on his piercing blue orbs.

“Spike?” she whispered.

Angel rejoiced that he could be seen. He wasn’t thrilled that they thought he was Spike, or that he couldn’t talk or touch things, but it was an improvement.

Angel smiled at Buffy and shook his head. “Angel, Buffy, I’m Angel,” he said loud and slowly, trying to make her understand.

Buffy wasn’t paying attention. She was up off the floor in an instant and moved towards him, trying to hug him, but passing right through him.

“What happened to you?” she asked tearfully.

Angel shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh God Spike, I missed you so much, and after all this time, I can’t even touch you!”

“Not Spike, Angel!” shouted Angel, even though no one could hear him.

At last Buffy saw that he was trying to communicate.

“What about Angel, Spike?” she asked. “Did he do this to you?”

“I’m Angel!” said Angel frustrated. “God,” Angel threw his arms up in the air. “You can’t hear.”

“Perhaps Angel knows what happened here,” said Wesley seriously. “It might be best if we found him as soon as possible.”

“Yes!” said Angel clapping his hands together. “Excellent idea Wes.”

Wesley walked over to Harmony’s desk and leaned over menacingly.

“Have you had any luck locating your boss?” the ex watcher asked.

“As a matter of fact... His limo is parked just outside the Purple Banana.”

“The Purple Banana?” asked Gunn, “Isn’t that a drag bar?”

“I’ve never been to one of those before, should be exciting don’t you think?” said Fred eagerly.

“Ooh, agreement!” said Andrew.
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Buffy, Wesley, Andrew, and Fred entered the Purple Banana keeping an open eye out for Angel.

“There’s a lot of people here,” said Fred. “Maybe we should split up?”

Buffy nodded her agreement. The bar was a crowd of scantily clad men, men dressed in outrageous costumes and men dressed as women. Buffy didn’t think she had ever seen so many sequins.

She couldn’t imagine Angel even in such a place.

Across the room Wesley walked towards the back of the bar. He too couldn’t believe that Angel was in this place, unless it was for a client meeting.

The music was pulsating, lights were flashing. Fred thought it was the most deeply happy place she had ever been to. She loved how the lights reflected off the disco balls and scattered light every where. Instantly her mind stopped to remind itself of the physical properties of light.

Andrew was dancing with a cute blonde in a red dress.

Buffy stalked towards the stage, where various men dressed in nothing more than g-strings were shaking their asses along to the beat of the music.

Buffy scanned the group on the stage for Angel, she knew that he would never be caught dead on that stage. But it didn’t hurt to check. There was only one Brunette among the men and he was thin and definitely not the same build as Angel.

However as the line of men on the stage turned so that the audience had a full view of their backsides, Buffy spied Angel’s tattoo on the back of one of the men.

“Angel?” gasped Buffy as she took in the figure who was sporting Angel’s tattoo.

He had pink hair and was wearing a g-string with green feathers.

Buffy couldn’t help it. She started to laugh.
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Spike posed for another photo by Carlos, shaking his arse for the camera. He didn’t even remember how he had got dressed up in this get up, or how he managed to get up on stage. He was sure the bottle of tequila and bottle of JD had helped with that.

Spike turned once again, facing the audience to see Andrew dancing with some floozy of a drag queen. Spike called Carlos over and told him to bring him Andrew.

“The cute one dancing the one in the red dress?” Carlos asked, appreciating the way Andrew moved against the other man.

Spike nodded slowly.

If Carlos liked Andrew so much, maybe he could play match maker, Spike chuckled to himself.

But if Andrew was here....

Spike took a moment to scan the crowd.

Sure enough, there in the very front of the stage, laughing her ass off, was his slayer, his goldilocks, his Buffy.
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tbc...