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CHAPTER 5
Trouble in Paradise


“So, let me get this straight.” Spike said to the waking girl who was stirring sleepily.

He was laying on the bed amongst abandoned playing cards and various bags of snack food. His back was propped up against a mountain of pillows that he had stuck behind him without moving too much since Buffy had chosen his shoulder as the best place for an afternoon nap. She was spooned against his side with her head on his shoulder, and yes, normally that would have been a dream come true, but right now, he was glad he didn‘t have circulation because after three hours of this, his arm might have fallen off.

“You get to see me in all my naked glory, but then refuse to agree to an innocent game of strip poker. And at the rate you were losing,” he added with a smirk, “You would have been starkers in about ten minutes flat. A bleedin’ shame, that’s what it is. Then, you make me watch… Princess Bloody Diary.” He spat the words as if they were poison.

“Hey, you enjoyed it.” Buffy mumbled sleepily, hiding her face in his t-shirt.

“And THEN,” He continued, ignoring her, “you fall asleep and drool all over my shoulder. Now tell me how the bleeding hell you consider this to be fair? I give you a free show and get nothing in return.” He concluded, pouting like a little boy.

“First,” she said while sitting up and stretching like a cat after a long and satisfying afternoon nap. “You got to enjoy my company. That should be plenty enough. Second, I did NOT drool! And… It’s fair because I’m a woman and women are always right. That’s why.”

The TV was still playing on mute, closed captions flashing regularly at the bottom of the screen. Spike had switched to mute when Buffy when she had fallen asleep after the competitive game of cards and a satisfying lunch. The late afternoon sunlight was streaming through a crack in the curtains, but otherwise the room was cast in peaceful darkness, the only source of light being the TV screen.

“How very not sexist of you, Slayer. I admire your fairness.”

“Well, you should. I’m more fair than any Slayer ever was before me.”

“Yeah, Queen Buffy, fair ruler of the Hellmouth.” Spike snickered. “Who goes bug shagging crazy on me just because I make a little joke by asking the room service guy what his blood type is.”

Buffy gave him a dark look, scolding him like a disapproving mother. “It wasn’t a funny Joke, Spike.”

“You don’t have a sense of humor, pet.”

“I do too! Just not when the victim of the joke looks terrified.”

“He was a pathetic Nancy boy.” Spike said dismissively.

“You looked at him like he was a juicy steak.”

He snorted derisively. “I’d hardly call him that. More like a dry piece of beef jerky.”

Buffy ignored the comment. “You LICKED your lips for God‘s sake. And I think I saw some fangs too!”

Spike couldn’t help but look pleased with himself. “Poor sod. The look on his face was just priceless. I’d bet money we’re not gonna see him again any time soon.”

“You know what? If next time we order room service nobody comes, you’ll have only yourself to blame. You can wait for those chicken wings for hours and I won‘t feel sorry for you, not one bit.”

“Did you happen to catch the wanker’s name, luv? I think I’ll ask for him personally next time. Maybe even invite him in for blood and crumpets. You know… to apologize for my incredibly rude behavior. What do you think, pet?”

She got up and stretched her arms above her head, then cracked her neck from side to side, a grimace on her pretty face. “I think that you don’t make a very good pillow.”

Spike looked offended at the comment. “Hey! I make a perfectly fine pillow. I can’t be held responsible for my rock hard pecs, now can I? It’s genetic. Next time you decide to fall asleep on me, I‘ll drop you on the bloody floor… see how comfortable that is.”

“Aww, did I hurt poor little Spikey’s feelings?” Buffy asked with fake concern. “I know I should be more gentle with you, but somebody’s got to downsize that ego of yours, and that job happens to be perfect for me. What can I say… I’m just so damn good at it.”

“That works out fine then because somebody has to annoy the bleeding hell out of you and… what can I say… I’m just so damn good at it.”

They grinned at each other, eyes locking for a moment that lasted just long enough to start getting uncomfortable. Buffy finally shook her head, effectively breaking the spell.

She grabbed some clothes from her suitcase and made her way to the bathroom. “The sun is almost down, I’m gonna go get ready for dinner.” She stopped, her hand on the door knob. “…You’re coming to dinner with me, right?”

“’f course, pet.”

She hesitated, than nodded with a small smile on her lips. “… I had fun today, Spike. Probably more fun than I would have had all by myself on the beach anyway.”

She didn’t wait for an answer, disappearing in the bathroom and leaving Spike to ponder her words. Which of course, was a bad idea. Too much thinking never leads to anything good.

When she reemerged from the bathroom half an hour later, all glammed up in a pretty baby blue satin sundress, her blonde hair tumbling on her shoulder in shiny waves, Spike was sitting on the edge of the bed watching TV. Just one look at him and she could tell that his mood was considerably more somber than it had been when she had left the room. Still standing in the bathroom’s doorway, she frowned in confusion and waited for him to finally look at her.

“Everything all right?” She asked when he looked up.

“Sure.” He answered dismissively, his eyes going back to the TV screen. “Looking good, Slayer.” He added, almost as an after thought.

“Thanks. But I don’t believe you.”

That got Spike’s attention. He looked at her in confusion. “Why would I lie to you ‘bout that? You know you look bloody gorgeous. You always do.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “No Spike, that part I believed. That’s why I said thanks. I meant that I don’t believe the part where you said that everything is all right. You don’t have your ‘all right’ face. What could have possibly happened in the past half hour to make you go from happy vamp to sulky vamp? And you better not say it’s because it took me too long to get ready. I was speedy Buffy! I curled my hair in half the time it usually takes me.”

Spike sighed and turned the TV off. “It’s nothing. I was just out here, thinking, and…” He started fidgeting with the remote control in an uncharacteristic display of insecurity. “Look, forget it.”

Losing patience, Buffy put her hands on her hips and shot him her best ‘don‘t bullshit me‘ look. “Out with it already. I’m hungry, and hungry Buffy is cranky Buffy.”

“Me being here was a bad idea. I‘m ruining your bloody vacation, that’s what’s wrong.” Spike snapped.

“Huh? I’m sorry… What?” She finally managed to ask, not sure she heard him right.

“You’re supposed to be having fun, and instead, you feel bad for me and stay inside with me. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time and I appreciate what you’re doing. But don’t. You’re supposed to be outside enjoying yourself.”

Buffy remained silent for a few moments, not sure whether to yell at him for playing dumb so annoyingly well, or cry. Why couldn’t they have one good day without arguing over something as ridiculous as this? Finally, she settled for making fun of what he’d just said, hoping to lighten up the mood enough for them to go back to the easy banter they were so good at.

She took a small step forward, her hands pressed to her chest and titling her head to the side to observe him with exaggerated attention.

“Angel? Is that you, Angel? Oh, I would recognize that passion for guilt and self-flagellation anywhere! When did you and Spike switch bodies?”

Unfortunately, her little performance did nothing to snap Spike out of his dark mood.

“Yeah, you’re bleedin’ hilarious, Summers. I was being serious.”

“No.” She snapped, all good humor gone. “You were being ridiculous and I was trying to be funny to give you a way out before you started sounding even more like a dumbass.”

Spike looked stunned for a moment. “Excuse me? Did you just call me a dumbass?”

“You heard me.” She replied, chin high, cheeks flushed with anger. “I call them as I see them. Seriously, Spike, did you hear your little ‘self-sacrifice speech’? All that was missing was the violin playing in the background. I don’t know why you suddenly felt the need to ruin a perfectly good day by trying to come up with stupid reasons to feel guilty, but great job!”

Spike stood up and started pacing. She could tell he was desperately trying to control his impulsive tongue so as not to get himself deeper into trouble. Obviously, he lost the fight.

He came to stand in front of her and gestured wildly to the room around them. “A perfectly good day? Are you bloody kidding me?! This is the kind of day we have all the time back home.”

“And what the hell is wrong with that? Is my company so horribly boring? Are you trying to tell me that when we hang out together at home, you’re just humoring me when you say you’re having a good time?”

Spike snorted. “Now you’re the one who’s being daft, Buffy. You know how much I love spending time with you, so don’t go and twist my words around.” He took a deep breath to try calming his anger. “You know damn bloody well what I meant. This is Hawaii! It’s not soddin’ Sunnydale, California. It’s your chance to finally enjoy some demon free, apocalypse free fun. Work on your tan, go snorkeling, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do at the beach. Your chance to go out there and pretend to be a normal girl for a change.”

Buffy stomped her foot, getter more and more annoyed by the minute. “Yes. And it’s also MY vacation and I can do whatever I want to do. And contrary to popular belief, you are not my charity case. I was on the beach, I was bored, and I chose to come back to the room to spend some time with you. So sue me.”

“And we’re back to it’s my fault for being here in the first place, luv. If I wasn’t here, the thought would have never crossed your mind.”

“Argh! Oh my God, you are so infuriating! I just can’t believe you!! I thought I was joking earlier when I asked if you switched bodies with Angel, but now I‘m starting to wonder if you really did get a personality transplant. Bipolar much?”

“For once I’m trying not to be my usual selfish evil self and you’re cross with me for THAT? Well excuse me for caring if you ruin your bloody vacation you bloody bint.” He barked angrily.

Buffy snatched her purse from the armchair.

“Yeah? Well excuse me for giving a flying rat’s ass if you’re stuck in here all day by yourself. Next time, you can just rot in here for all I care!” She yelled before rushing out of the room and slamming the door shut.

Spike stared at the door for a second before calling after her. “Buffy? Come on, pet, don’t leave like that!”

He left the room quickly, hoping to catch up with her, but she was gone.

Turning around to get back inside, Spike was faced with a closed and very locked door. The shirtless, bare foot vamp growled and punched the door in frustrated anger.

“Bloody buggering hell! How did this day get so messed up?!”

His back against the door, he sank slowly to the floor. There was nothing he could do except to sit there and wait the half hour or so until sundown so he could go get a new key at the front desk. All he could do was hope that Buffy wouldn’t get even more pissed off when he didn’t come after her right away.

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