Chapter 16—Condition Grounded

Condition grounded but determined to try—Pink Floyd, "Learning to Fly"

They gathered around the table in Buffy's dining room. It was strangely comforting and familiar, the books dotting the table, heads bent over research, notepads filled with a number of scribbles. Buffy looked around, and her stomach clenched in memory. This was home.

Spike sat next to her. Since they had made their peace with one another, he was never far from her side. She knew that in the past he wasn’t one for reliability, but it seems that with all that had happened, he had changed.

He reached over and took her hand, massaging it gently to relieve the cramping from all the note taking. Anya had requested and been granted access to D’Hoffryn’s entire library. She had returned from Arashmahar with three stacks of dusty tomes, and she said there was more when they needed them. Almost every single one was written about the Powers, the stewardship, and the Key.

Tara stood, stretched, and moved toward the kitchen. Buffy thought of her as the mother of them all. She fed them, made sure they had drinks at hand, and just cared for them overall. She went into the kitchen now, and Buffy could hear her in there preparing food again. How many meals was that? Too many, without her help. She smiled at Spike, silently thanking him, and followed the blond witch to the kitchen.

Tara was silently stacking sandwiches on a plate and adding them to a tray with fruit, cheese, olives, pickles, and other assorted snack items. Two mugs stood off by themselves, and Buffy knew before looking that they were filled with blood for Spike.

Buffy had never been at ease with Tara. The whole lesbian thing kinda threw her a loop, plus the fact that she was her best friend’s girlfriend put a hamper on their relationship. Being in heaven had forced her to rethink a lot of the things she did, especially in her personal relationships.

It was hard now that she was back. Hard to remember all that she had learned, both about herself and others. Hard to remember how peaceful she was there. If she had learned nothing else, she knew that she was the hub of this particular wheel. She drew these people together. It was her job to keep them together. For some reason, it seemed important.

“Busy day, huh?”

Tara turned and nearly dropped the teakettle. “Yeah. Busy.” She busied herself, wishing desperately to be ignored, but Buffy wasn’t playing that game anymore.

“Tara, how are you doing?”

Her blue eyes wide and startled, the blond stared at the Slayer. “F-fine.”

Buffy circled the island, and put her arm around Tara's shoulders. “You don’t have to pretend, Tara. You’ve been through a lot in the past few days. And now with Willow….”

Tara ducked her head, but Buffy was wise to that trick, and raised her face to the light with her finger under Tara's chin. “No, don’t hide it from me. We’ve all hid too much from one another, and that’s done. How do you really feel?”

Tears began streaming down Tara's cheeks unheeded by either woman. “Guilty. Horribly guilty. I feel like I did this to her, Buffy. Like there was something else I could have done, but didn’t. I can’t get over this…darkness inside me. It’s affecting everything I do right now.”

Buffy squeezed Tara's shoulders, then released her. “Tara, I know that you know this, but I had to learn it the hard way. We all make our paths in this life. Choices. Willow made her choice a long time ago, starting with her ‘will be done’ spell. She wants things easy, and doesn’t have the time or patience to work for anything. Magic made it easy for her. What happened was not your fault. She was playing with things that were too much for her, and she has to pay the price.”

Tara nodded, and Buffy continued. “Remember the threefold rule? You’ve told her, I know, but do you remember? What you do, whether good or bad, comes back on you threefold, in this life or the next. This was her own doing, Tara. No matter how much I wanted to come back, she took it upon herself to make the decision for me. What if I wanted it to be over? Wanted the chance to rest, knowing my job was complete? I would still be here now, because I wasn’t given the choice. Instead of grieving, she was Miss Instant Gratification, and wanted the pain to go away, so she figured out a way to magic me back.”

Tara nodded in understanding. “That helps, Buffy, but I shouldn’t have meddled with her magic. If I hadn’t….”

“If you hadn’t, you could have very easily been killed. All of you. That spell was too much for a group of witches to perform, much less a pair of witches, an ex-demon, a vampire, and a man.”

“They didn’t want Spike there.”

Tara's quiet admission stopped Buffy in her tracks. “What do you mean?”

“I think that Willow was using compulsion to keep us from talking about this to anyone, so one night I put a protection crystal on. When I remembered what was said, I came here to Spike and told him everything. He wasn’t happy about it. Said there were consequences.”

Buffy had to rein her temper to a halt before it exploded. “I see. And what about the rest of you?”

“Well, I can tell you that part.” They turned, and saw Anya standing in the doorway. “You were taking an awful long time, so I came to see what was keeping you,” she offered, shrugging off their puzzled looks.

“So the rest of you….” Buffy prompted.

“Willow and Xander knew that Spike would object to the spell, so they made the decision to keep him and Dawn in the dark. Spike was the only thing that went right the night we brought you back, Buffy. He was—it was important for him to be there.”

“I had no idea.” Buffy's voice was soft in the quiet kitchen. “There was so much…God, I blocked so much out of my mind, ignored so many of their comments and pokes.” Sensing Spike, she turned to see him standing a short distance behind Anya. “How did you ever tolerate it? Mine, theirs, Giles—I don’t think that there was a single one of us who was ever nice to you. Why did you hang around?”

He smiled, and the love radiated from his face. “Had to, pet. I couldn’t leave you.”

“We all let this get too far, didn’t we? Willow's magic. Xander's bigotry. We let things go, let them slide for so long, they thought they had the right. They were my friends.” The words tasted bitter in her mouth now where they used to be her lifeline. “With friends like that, who needs vampires?”

“Hey!” Spike was by her side in a heartbeat. “Take that back!”

“Okay, I need vampires. If nothing else, it gives me a job.” Giles cleared his throat, and they all turned to see him behind Anya in the doorway now.

“I looked up and you were all gone,” he said simply. “Speaking of your job, Buffy, when are you going to patrol again?”

Buffy looked at the others, and grinned. “See? That’s why I keep him around. He keeps me grounded with the mundane crap. I’ll start patrolling again tomorrow night, Giles. I think we’re about researched out tonight. Let’s eat, then we’ll catch a few zzz’s and regroup in the morning.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy refused to let Anya return to her cramped apartment. “You’ll stay here with us.”

“That’s really not necessary Buffy. I can go back to my place.”

“Anya, you don’t need to go back there. You can stay here. We have plenty of room.”

“Where? Giles has the couch, Dawn's in her bed, Tara has your mom’s room. Where will I sleep?”

Tara looked at Anya and ducked her head. “You can sleep with me. I won’t….”

Anya flipped her hand in the air. “Oh, I’m not worried about the lesbian thing. I’m accepting of all lifestyle choices and lesbians do provide many satisfying orgasms. I wouldn’t mind sleeping in the same bed with you if you don’t mind. I snore.”

“Willow did too, so maybe I’ll sleep better.”

Everyone laughed, and the tense moment passed. They retired to their respective rooms, and Buffy went around the house, methodically checking the doors and windows. Spike watched her closely, waiting until she went into the kitchen to approach her.

“Pet, I’m going to sleep in the basement, okay?”

She turned to him with a pout. “Why? Did I do something?”

He ran his hands up her arms, and pulled her to his chest. She leaned against him, resting her head against his shoulder. “Why do you want to stay in the basement?” she murmured against his tee shirt.

He caressed her back through her clothes. “I don’t think that I could keep my hands off you, sweetheart. ‘Ve waited so long….”

She raised her face to his. “Do you really think I can? Remember, I watched you….” She let her voice drop to a seductive drawl, and the vampire blanched slightly, remembering drunken wanks that ended with him sobbing her name and covered in his own spunk.

“Slayer…I didn’t mean…it wasn’t out of disrespect….”

She cupped his jaw with her impossibly soft, warm hand. “Spike, please. I know that.” She ran her hand up his jaw and tugged gently on his ear. “I was flattered.” She dipped her fingers into his curls and moved closer, her mouth scant millimeters from his. “I wish I could have been there with you. Hey, I am now.” She moved closer, whispering against his lips, “Let’s not waste another minute of our unlifes.”

He was tense, every muscle coiled and ready to spring. She brushed his mouth with the lightest of kisses, and he neither moved nor twitched as she hovered over his mouth. Her breath was sweet with unspoken desire, and he could smell her blood swirling sensuously beneath her skin, beckoning him closer.

She looped her thumbs in his back beltloops and pulled him off-balance, and he threw his arms over his head to brace himself against the wall behind her. The position left him open and vulnerable, and she took full advantage of it, stroking him with one hand while the other kept him unbalanced and unnerved.

Her mouth still brushed his, and she took advantage of that as well. “I don’t know that I made this clear to you, Spike, but I belong to you. Heart, mind, body, and soul. Buffy isn’t a little girl anymore, she’s a woman who knows what she wants and how to get the job done. And sweetie, what I want is you. In my bed. With me.”

She yanked him just a tad harder, and he fell forward, his mouth pressed to hers. He moaned and reached for her, lifting her into his arms and carrying her up the staircase.

Giles watched the kissing couple go upstairs, and took his glasses off. “Dear Lord,” he muttered, and prayed that they weren’t the noisy types.