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So You Can Be Free by Thianna
 
6
 
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Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

Chapter 6

Buffy sat quietly by herself in the Bronze by the bar. She didn't have to be alone. Willow and Tara had offered to go with her but she just didn't feel like being with any of the Scoobies tonight. Everything just didn't seem to make sense and she really didn't have anyone to turn to. She knew that either Dawn or Willow were more than willing to listen but somehow she never felt that comfortable telling them about her true feelings. She had to be strong for them. That was why she ended up confiding in Spike.

It was funny that the one person she had been trying to kill, was the only person she felt could understand her. But now, even that comfort was gone. And yet, she still wondered why it hurt not having him around.

“You're delusional Buffy. He only liked you because you were unattainable. He's a glutton for punishment. He says he loves you but he just did that to get in your pants. He admitted it himself, right? ... But the spell... why did he have to cast a spell? Can something evil and soulless really feel? Really love? Dru agreed with Spike about how vampires could love. But then again Dru was crazy.“ Buffy let out a sigh.

Why did things have to be so complicated? Angel left me when I needed him to be here. Riley couldn't deal with the fact that I was the Slayer ... That I was strong. I needed him too but his pride got in the way. Maybe mine did too. But Spike? It was just physical right? Just so that I could feel like I belonged in this world. But I can't love him ... never love him because he doesn't have a soul. My little mantra as Spike would call it. But it's true ... right? Buffy let out another sigh when she heard the familiar mellow voice a few paces from her.

"Two beers, mate."

Buffy glanced to her left and groaned in disgust. It was Spike. She so did not need this tonight. She didn't feel like fighting or insults. She just wanted to get everything straight in her head.

"I saw that, Slayer. And before you start fucking accusing me of stalking, let me tell you I wasn't. My whole world doesn't revolve around you!"

"But it used to", that thought popped into her head. Where did that come from? And it sounded like she was whining about the fact that she was no longer his world. "I wasn't going to say anything.”

"I don't see the Whelp or the witches. Seems like the bird is flying solo tonight." he said taking a drink of his beer.

"Yeah. Everyone's a bit busy."

"Ah. Well don't bother passing by Crestwood, San Rafael or Shady Hill tonight. I already did a quick sweep. Bagged me a couple of nasties." he said somewhat proudly.

"Oh. Uhm ... Thanks, I guess."

"Didn't do it for you, you know."

"Sheesh! Learn how to accept some appreciation."

"Don't know, Slayer. That's a pretty foreign concept coming from you."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Look, I don't need this from you."

"Just saying it how it is. Look, I should just go." he said walking passed her.

"Spike... wait."

He turned around acting a little annoyed. "What now?!"

"You don't have to go. I mean, I could use the company."

He raised an eyebrow. "Me? You sure about that Slayer? ... I mean especially after what's happened between us?"

"Yeah ... we could go play some pool."

"As you wish." he said turning his back to head for any empty pool table.

Buffy followed him, placing her soda down on an empty table beside the pool table he picked out.

"So what's on your mind?" he said racking the balls then breaking them.

"Slayer-wise? I feel like ripping some nerds a new one."

"No argument about that one from me. ... And none Slayer-wise? It's your turn. ... "

Buffy took a shot and then another one before stepping back to give Spike some room. "None Slayer-wise? Just lots of things going on that I can't make sense of."

Spike nodded as he watched Buffy take her shot. "You could have made that shot easily, Slayer."

"Huh?"

"The shot, you were aiming it just a little off."

"You giving me pointers?"

"Been doing it for some time now but you usually don't listen." he said chuckling.

But his words cut into Buffy as she realized he was right. Even when they were bitter enemies, she learned from him. The fights they had pushed her to train harder and become a better Slayer. She heard him say something but she couldn't make it out since she was remembering all the different times Spike was either helping her or inadvertedly training her through their fights. "Huh?"

"I said I can show you how you should have done that shot." he said walking over to her. He leaned down on the table beside her and demonstrated what he was trying to say. Buffy tried to follow. "No." He set his stick against a chair, then made his way behind her. "This way." He carefully leaned close to her, moving the cue stick with his right hand to the position it should be in. Being this close to her sent, he felt an unwanted feeling down to his crouch. His body remembered that scent ... that warmth and the feel of it. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

Buffy felt the slight breath on her neck and it sent shivers down her spine. It made her body move back slightly, landing gently against his chest. Neither of them moved as both of them found a familiar comfort being this close to each other. The touch triggered a memory in both of them. Of a time they were here. Well not exactly in this same spot. They were up in the catwalk. They were in the darkness sharing a brief moment of bliss. Spike leaned down, sensing her blood throbbing beneath his mark. He moved his head ever so slightly closer, his nose trying to make sure the marks were real. He was trying to see if they were really his. His lips moved of their own accord, planting the lightest of touches on the top of her shoulder. That touch and the feel of his soft breath on her brought her back to the present. Embarrassed at the thought that she was imagining they were back up in the catwalk, Buffy tried to push herself away from him but was held captive by the cue stick which was still in his hands.

She placed her right hand on his, trying to pull it away from the hold he had on the cue stick. Still somewhat lost in his memories, Buffy had to apply force to his hand. On instinct, his right hand released the end of the cue stick but clamped down hard on her right arm.

The sudden pressure brought both of them back to that dreaded night in the bathroom. Buffy gasped in horror and Spike’s eyes seemed to be glazed with guilt.

He quickly let her go. Taking two steps back from the Slayer. “Sorry!” he blurted out with his eyes plastered to the floor. He was afraid of what he would see on her face. It wasn’t because seeing it would hurt him. It was because seeing it would trigger that memory all over again.

Spike could hear that she was taking in deep breaths to calm her down. This was a mistake. How stupid was he to think that everything would just be fine now that he didn’t feel for her? Maybe that was the problem. He felt nothing, absolutely nothing, for her.

Years ago there was the need to see her suffer – to maybe hear her cry, sense her heart beating faster as they fought and he pounded his fists into her body. There was the promise of her blood and the knowledge that he had bested the Chosen One. Then the bloody chip buried itself into his brain and the violence and blood was stripped away from him. So what did he have left? Anger .. . frustration. He clung to those making do with his life until he could find a way to rid himself of the damn science experiment in his head. But being stripped of his ability to feed led him into an existence closer to the Slayer’s since he needed an outlet for the violence. He ended up fighting by her side and the next thing he knew his dreams were filled of her. His thoughts always finding a way to her. But now there was nothing and he didn‘t know how he should be acting around her.

"I better go." Spike said turning around without even looking back at her.

Buffy looked up to once more see his figure moving away. She hated remembering that day. There was so much hurt in the air between Xander, Anya, her and Spike. And then things went down hill.

Why did it always have to be this way? She was in his arms again, though this time it was pretty innocent. She felt safe like she was where she was suppose to be. Then her naughty brain had to interject with the little fantasy about what they had done on the catwalk, and then the painful memory. Why did it always end up that way? She found comfort in him then she would hate herself for using him that way and they'd end up fighting. Why couldn't they just stay in the comfortable phase of it all?

"Because he's really dreamy and he knows just how to touch you?" she thought.

That was true. She was definitely attracted to him, but that ended up mucking up any kind of true relationship they could have built together. Did she just really think that? If the sex wasn't in the way, could they have built something together?

She knew he was gone. He would be walking down some street, most probably on his way back to his crypt. She had this feeling she had to apologize this time. There was no malice or lust in his actions and she did ask him to stay. With a sigh she made her way to the exit and thankfully he was still by the streetcorner smoking. She walked up to him, somewhat embarrassed but she knew she had to do this.

Spike felt her coming and rolled his eyes. Wasn't it enough? Why wasn't he moving to get out of here to avoid the lecture that he knew was coming?

"Spike ... I ... "

"Save it, Slayer. Don't know how many more times I have to say sorry. I didn't mean ... "

"I know. I came here to apologize. I made you stay with me then I pushed you away. I know you were just trying to show me something."

Spike opened his mouth as if he was going to say something. His brows furrowed slightly in thought then he closed his mouth again, not sure what to say.

"Look Slayer, I know it's getting late. I can go finish off patrol and you can go home. God knows I can use a few more nasties under my belt tonight."

"Me too. We can go together." the words came out before she even fully thought about the possible complications. Well you're a little off with everything going on. Best to have back up. Right … back up.

"You sure about that? Remember what happened last time?"

Buffy instinctively touched her neck. "Well if you try that again I'll have a good reason to stake you." she said with a grin.

Spike raised an eyebrow. "As if you could."

Buffy playfully pouted her lips then started laughing. "We'll see." She stuck her hands into her jacket pockets and headed for Restfield.

Spike took another drag from his cigarette while he stuck his right hand in his duster pocket and fell in step with Buffy.


 
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