~*~

"……….and then Riley and Sam showed up. I told you about that", Buffy reminded Giles. "Now we know that it was a set up. Riley had to have known about Spike and me before they got here. I had already sort of decided that I needed to break it off with Spike before one of us killed the other. After what I did to him in that alley…..

Giles, I can’t believe I was that out of control. He never once hurt me, even when I said and did awful things to him or hurt him. The chip wasn’t holding him back. Like I explained, it didn’t work on me at all. I knew I was safe, or maybe I didn’t care, I don’t know now", Buffy finished.

She had given her Watcher the Cliff Notes version of her affair with Spike, even admitting to being the one to initiate the
physical relationship.

"Now that he’s gone, I remember the good parts. How he always listened, always had my back". The pain was audible in Buffy’s voice. "I really, really miss him. I owe him an apology too, a couple at least. He earned better treatment from me, from us all really. I so want him back, and part of me misses him as a boyfriend. Oh, God, I’m such a sick person, Giles. Why do I only give my heart to vampires? The only two men who I ever really let touch my heart…Angel and Spike. I’m the slayer. What’s wrong with me?". Tears began to run down Buffy’s face.

Tara put an arm around Buffy and tried to soothe her friend. "Remember, I told you there was nothing wrong if you loved him, Buffy. He’s done a lot of good these last few years and doing it without a soul makes him even more remarkable. I think you fell in love with the being that he is, not because he’s a vampire. You fought your feelings because he’s a vampire. You aren’t attracted to all those vamps you dust on patrol. It was Angel and Spike themselves that you fell in love with".

Giles looked at his slayer gravely then nodded to himself as if he had made some decision. "Buffy, there is nothing wrong with you. I was never going to tell you this, but I suppose you should be told.

As you know, I’ve been spending a good deal of time at Council headquarters since I left Sunnydale. I found myself intrigued while reading the private journal of a watcher from last century and was surprised to discover that his slayer also had developed…um, feelings for a master vampire that she had come into contact with through the course of her duties.

The end result was rather tragic. The council sent a team to put an end to the vampire and the slayer was killed in battle soon after. She seemed to have lost her will to live after losing her lover. The watcher, Jacques Millier, began a bit of research that he kept secret from the council.

It seems that as slayers get to the point of sexual maturity, there have been more than a few who have drawn the attention of powerful master vampires and commenced love affairs. These older, more powerful vampires appear to be as attracted as the slayers and, much like Angel and Spike, assist the slayer. Needless to say, the council forbids such a relationship, but based on Millier’s account, it appears to be a natural, if somewhat rare, phenomenon. Of course, most slayers die before they reach maturity and there are not many master vampires around."

"Dracula said something about slayers’ origins being similar to vampires, but I didn’t believe him. Giles, am I some sort of demon or something?", Buffy asked, not really comforted by Giles’ tale.

"No, no, my dear. You are no demon. There is some truth to the origins of the first slayer involving a demon in some way. That story is lost to the ages, but you are no demon. No, the council knew of this..this.. attraction and that was the origin of the Cruciamentum test.

I did some more research after reading that journal and discovered that the Council had reached the same conclusions as Monsieur Millier about a half century before he did his research. The Cruciamentum was intended to ‘fix the problem’, as it were. Usually the slayer, now come to sexual maturity, would not survive the test and a new, younger slayer would be called. Those who did survive were generally so filled with horror from their encounter with the vampire that no other vampire was ever allowed to get close enough to form an attachment. Either way, the natural attraction was nipped in the bud. You had already developed feelings for a master vampire with Angel, so it did not affect you in that manner", Giles concluded.

"I don’t know if I should feel good or bad about what you just told me, Giles, but I’m glad you did. At least I don’t have to think I’m a sick person to feel the way I do. I always said it was the soul that made it okay with Angel, but Spike doesn’t have a soul and I couldn’t accept that I could feel anything real for him. Guess it’s just another Slayer thing", she said.

Tara spoke up, "No, not necessarily a Slayer thing, Buffy. I don’t think you are doomed to love random vampires. I think much of it comes from the particular vampires you have allowed yourself to get close to.

I mean I can see why any girl, not just a slayer, could love Spike. He’s complex and single-minded in his devotion, the way he loves you. And even if I am gay, I can see how attractive and sexy he is. You don’t have to be a slayer to see his good qualities".

"Evidently one must be female, however", snorted Giles.

Before any further discussion about Buffy’s love life could continue, Angel and Xander returned from their fact-finding mission.

"Well, any information from the usual suspects?" Buffy asked in greeting.

"No one at Willie’s had anything to add to what Clem told you. No one seems to know where this Argot and his brood went. No one’s heard of any demon with a tail that goes by ‘The Doctor’ either. I did find out that there are a couple of human doctors that have a practice treating the demon population here and one demon that studied with them and calls herself a doctor, but none with tails, and none claiming to do research with Ferrisite eggs", Angel answered.

"Fire up the microwave. Movie’s ready to go, we just need the popcorn. Everyone ready for scary Liza Minnelli to sing and dance her way through Nazi Germany?" Xander asked. "Personally, I’d rather watch ‘The Producers’ with the Hitler on Ice skit or Liza in ‘Arthur’, but Clem said ‘Cabaret’, so there you go."

They popped a few bags of corn and headed for the Summers living room to watch the film, hoping some kind of clue would come from the time spent watching the classic musical.

Xander sat up straight as the club scenes began and he got his first look at the host. "Holy smarmy demon! Geesh, he DOES look like him, if that’s who I think. I don’t remember seeing him after the tower fall, but he survived me and Spike killing him before that".

"Just what are you talking about, Xander? Are you referring to the tower built for Glory?", Giles asked.

"Yeah, that’s the one. The demon, Doc, who cut Dawnie up there on the tower. The one that knifed Spike and tossed him off the tower, he’s Joel Grey, or at least looks an awful lot like him", Xander explained. "You don’t think Joel Grey IS a demon, do you?"

"Doc … Doctor! I pushed him off the tower before I had to jump. Didn’t you check to make sure he was dead?" Buffy was puzzled.

"We were kinda sidetracked, what with you dying and all, Buff. I guess he didn’t die then. That would explain his being pissed at Spike. I wonder how he fits in with Riley and Sam though?" It was Xander’s turn to be confused.

"I don’t know, but I’m going to find out. I owe this demon for what he did to Dawn and making me have to die. If he’s involved with what’s happened to Spike…… he’s going down this time. I’m going to get all the information he has and then kill him. Slowly, I think. He’s not coming back from this, even if he turns out to be Joel Grey", vowed Buffy.

~~~

Spike lay on the dirt floor of his cell. He was bleeding from places that hadn’t been violated in over a century. The soldiers who had tasered and removed the Mh’Crejshamroyken from him had tossed a thin blanket over the barely conscious vampire.
His wrists were bleeding, too, from his struggles against the attack. A few of the stitches had come loose from the vivisection as well. All in all, Spike was certain he had been dragged into hell and his years of evil as a vampire were now being punished. He wondered idly just how long it would take before his mind closed down and eternity didn’t matter.

Finn hadn’t put in an appearance and that surprised the vampire. He would have expected him to be there to gloat at Spike’s inability to fight off the hulking demon that had raped him.

Slowly he sank into the blessed unconsciousness his pain and blood loss had created. No ancient poets spoke in his head this time, no dreams of moving from hell to purgatory gave hope even as he realized the visions were not real, just darkness taking over the weary captive.

In time, Spike opened his eyes and saw her. His Buffy. She was smiling at him and gently pushing the hair off his forehead. He couldn’t understand how she had found him, but he tried to smile in greeting. "Buffy, love, you shouldn’t be here. Finn and his troop of bastards will grab you, too. You have to get out of here", he said urgently.

"Spike, you’re safe now. I’ve come for you and I love you. I’ll never let you get hurt like this again. I’m ready to give you my heart now. I’ll help you heal and we’ll always be together", Buffy said softly. She was gleaming in the light from the hallway. The look of love pouring from her eyes was such that Spike had never even dared dream she would have for him.

He remembered what had just happened to him and his inability to stop the beast that did it. Spike was filled with shame. Buffy could only want someone as strong as she was. He had failed. He should have killed the bugger before it got a piece of him, not be laying here bleeding, hurt and violated. Buffy would be sickened at the thought and disappointed that he hadn’t stopped it. She wouldn’t love him, not now.

"Pet, I’m no good for you. I’m not worthy of your love. I’ll never be man enough now. I’m dirty, like you said. Dirty, and weak on top of that. I couldn’t stop it, couldn’t fight the bastard off", he turned his head from the girl and felt himself weep silently. ‘Great! Just what I need to add to my reputation, crybaby’, he reproached himself.

Buffy continued to smooth his hair and listened to him as he struggled to deal with what had happened. "I tried, I fought, but the blood loss is bad, Buffy. The stuff they’ve been feeding me isn’t the best and I’m healing so slowly. I haven’t fed much because it’s drugged and I need to keep my wits, you know?

My wits didn’t help this time. Big Bad Spike got tossed about like a fledge and…… I just couldn’t fight him off. Finn said I deserved it when he brought it in here. Said vampires kill and rape all the time and I had it coming.

Buffy, I never did that. I never forced myself on a woman, didn’t have to. Dru wanted me, so did Harm, even you. I was faithful to the women I loved, Buffy. Aside from Angelus and his power moves, I never……" Spike’s voice trailed off.

Buffy turned his head to face her, "Spike, you didn’t deserve this. No one does. It was just your body, not you, sweetheart. You weren’t touched! Not the ‘you’ that matters. Your body is all. It wasn’t your fault that you couldn’t fight. They weakened you first and had you chained on top of that. You’re still strong. And mine, Spike, you are mine."

She began to kiss him ever so gently, her soft hands caressing his face. Somehow the manacles were gone and he was able to touch her as well. Spike’s trembling fingers worked through Buffy’s hair as he began to kiss her in return.

Buffy deepened the kiss, thrusting her warm tongue into his mouth, seeking his tongue in response. They caressed each other with hand and tongue for what seemed an endless time. Spike was moaning in pleasure and need as she ran her hands over his body. He didn’t feel any of the pain that had been his constant companion before she arrived.

Buffy removed the thin blanket and gently touched his cock, running her fingers up and down the hard shaft. At the base, she moved her hand to his balls, lavishing attention on them as well, before moving back up to his eager cock.

She broke off the kiss and worked her way downward, raining kisses from his jaw to his neck and chest. Her tongue soothed the line of stitches that ran from his chest to his abdomen. Her hands followed the same pathway, caressing and teasing. One hand paused on his right nipple and began to rub small circles on and around it, flicking the hardened nib. Her kisses followed a downward path, making him feel afire at her touch. Buffy had never been so loving, so eager to give him pleasure. She was all that Spike had imagined, all he knew she could be.

Her hot, moist mouth arrived at the place just below his stomach and she kissed and teased the hallows there where his legs joined his body. Spike was squirming in need and desire.

While Buffy was exploring his body, Spike had begun to loosen her top, opening first the blouse and then the front closure of her bra. He palmed her breasts and finally dipped down to take her left nipple in his mouth while he continued to kneed and caress the right one.

Buffy sighed in pleasure at his ministrations but didn’t stop her own movements.

She moved her head toward Spike’s middle and dipped her tongue into his belly button, giggling as he squirmed. Then her soft mouth closed over his cock taking in first just the head. Her tongue rolled around the top, slipping into the slit that was wet with precum. Then Buffy lowered her mouth, taking in as much of him as she could. Her hand continued to play with his balls as her mouth moved up and down his length. She used just enough pressure to send Spike into deep shudders. Her tongue made delightful caresses while her mouth moved over him. Spike feared he would not be able to last very long with the sensations that were washing over him with her touch.

Buffy seemed to sense that he was too close and removed her sweet mouth from his aching member. She kissed her way up, quickly this time, back to his waiting mouth and kissed him with a passion he’d never felt from her in the past.

"I want you, Spike. I don’t want to hurt you, but I want you too much to wait for you to heal", Buffy said. "Turn on your side and I think it won’t hurt you", she ordered.

"Pet, nothing you are doing hurts. I’d lay in fire to be with you like this, you know that", Spike said, but he did turn on his side.

"I don’t want you in fire or pain. I’m going to make love to you now, Spike. It won’t be like before. I’m with you now, it’s about love, sweetheart. This is the way it will be from now on", Buffy said and kissed him once more.

She rose and undressed then slid down next to him on the floor.

Buffy lay along side of Spike, facing him. She lifted her right leg and put it over his hip while her hand directed his willing cock to her wet quim. He allowed her to set the pace, scarcely believing that she still wanted him, much less loved him. She pushed her hips down, enveloping him with her warmth. Spike began to push into his love slowly, loving the sensation as he encased himself in her tight embrace. When he was fully inside of her, Spike stopped all movement and just savored the feel of her body around him.

He kissed her, all the love he felt showing in the way he worshiped her lips. He moved from breast to hips, loving her with his hands, mouth and tongue.

They both began to move together in unspoken harmony. Slowly at first, then with more force and passion. Spike felt Buffy begin to tense as she neared her first orgasm. The muscles contracting around his cock nearly brought him to climax as well, but he fought back the urge. He wanted much more than one orgasm for his love. Spike had given up hope of ever being with Buffy again, and never like this, loving and being loved. She wanted him even after he was damaged! It was too much to have ever hoped for.

He began to thrust into her with more force turning her on her back. Her legs went over his shoulders as he drove into her bringing her quickly to another orgasm that seemed to go on forever. He leaned forward and took her lips in another hungry kiss filled with all the pent up longing of a man in love. When he broke the kiss to let her breathe, Buffy looked into his eyes and said, "I love you, Spike".

Spike felt his own climax nearing when a sharp pain went through his side. The pain struck again and the room went black around him. He opened his eyes to find himself still on the dirt floor, manacled, with no Buffy in sight. The pain was from Finn’s boot as he repeatedly kicked the semiconscious vampire.
Spike growled in agony at having been thrust from heaven into the pit of hell that was his reality.

"Hey, Spike. Time to wake up. I’m feeling a need to work off a bit of aggression. Good thing I’ve got you to channel my energy, yeah?", Finn smirked.

Spike looked at the glowing eyes of the man who had taken on the task of punishing Spike for his many sins. Summoning strength he didn’t know he had, Spike used his left leg to trip the soldier. Riley hadn’t expected the move and went down hard.

Spike had a feeling he was going to pay for that move, but it felt so good he thought it might just be worth it.