~*~

Chaos reigned in the Summers house when the scream rang out from Buffy’s room. Buffy shoved Giles out of her way and took the stairs two at a time in her urgency to get to Spike. She slammed open the door to her room and took in the sight of Spike writhing on the bed in obvious pain, his eyes shooting out an eerie glowing light.

"God! Spike! Shit, shit, shit! What’s going on? Will, help!" Buffy shouted as she rushed to Spike’s side.

The glowing gradually stopped and he lay unconscious on the bed. It didn’t look like there was any physical damage but whatever had happened couldn’t be good for the recently recovering vampire.

Willow, Tara and Xander collided in the doorway, eager to help in any way they could.

"Buffy, it’s okay. Spike will be fine. It’s okay", Willow said, trying to calm her friend.

"What did you do", Buffy asked, her voice hard. Her eyes glinted like steel as her gaze pinned her friends, demanding answers. "You seem to know something about this. What did you do?"

"B..B.. Buffy, Spike agreed to it, really. He’ll be fine. He probably just needs to sleep for a while and then he’ll be fine, I promise. You know I like Spike. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him, none of us would", Tara hastened to reassure the distraught Slayer.

"I’m only asking one more time. What. Did. You. Do", she demanded.

"We gave him his soul back", Willow replied.

All color drained from Buffy’s face as her mind went back to the horror of her time with Angel and his removable soul. She went to the bed and sat next to Spike, taking his hand in hers, trying to make sure he was truly all right.

"Why?" she asked. "I just had this discussion with Giles. Spike doesn’t need a soul. I don’t need him to have one. Why did you do this and why didn’t anyone tell me what you had planned?". Her face showed betrayal.

"Spike agreed, Buffy. It was the only way to be sure that he’d be safe, you’d be safe", Willow said. "Now Giles can’t keep planning to stake him.

This is different, Buffy. There’s no loophole that would make him lose this soul. You won’t have to worry about him changing because he loses it. All goldfish are safe". She had hoped that the fish joke would lighten Buffy’s mood a bit, but her friend still looked like she wanted to hit someone.

"Get out. Leave us alone. I want to be the only one he has to deal with when he comes to. If he’s not the same guy I love, you’d better be prepared with some bit of magic to undo this. He’s always said magic has consequences. There better not be any bad ones for him ‘cause I’m finished with all this manipulation of my life by anyone who thinks they know what’s best for me", Buffy said in a low voice.


~~~

In the kitchen, Giles had tried to follow Buffy as she rushed from the room. He had stumbled over the fallen body of Angel, however. Angel was not in any pain or injured in any way that the Watcher could see, but was most assuredly knocked out. "Good Lord, whatever has happened here?"

Angel regained consciousness soon and seemed as clueless as Giles concerning the reason for his fainting spell. "One minute I was hearing Spike scream like the hounds of hell were on him and the next I’m waking up on Buffy’s kitchen floor", the vampire explained.

"Do you feel quite normal? Are you injured in any way?", Giles asked. Quite frankly, any sudden change in Angel was cause for alarm with the Watcher. It rarely boded well where this vampire was concerned. "Are you in need of anything? Blood perhaps? Water?"

"No, I’m fine. Think I’ll go help Buffy with whatever new mess Spike’s fallen into though", Angel replied.

"Yes, quite. Perhaps I should join you", Giles said. He discreetly put a stake in his waistband in case it should prove necessary or useful. The Watcher may have known both vampires under Buffy’s roof for years, but that still didn’t make him feel at ease with either of them, much less both.

The two men were intercepted by the three friends descending the stairs. "Don’t think I’d brave it, Giles. Buffy might just murder you both. We barely got out with our skins. I think she’s going to need some serious cool-down time. Maybe Spike can talk her down", Xander warned.

"Whatever are you gibbering about, Xander?" Giles demanded.

"Well, we sorta didn’t tell Buffy before we did it. It was okay though, ‘cause Spike agreed to let us", Willow said in a rush.

"Buffy’s pretty pissed. I hope she cools down before Spike wakes up. I think he’ll be having enough problems without Buffy going off on him", Xander added.

"This have anything to do with me kissing the kitchen floor a few minutes ago, Will?", asked Angel.

"Um, why don’t we go into the living room and we can explain it all", suggested Tara.

"Yeah, don’t worry, Giles, Angel. It’s all good. I promise no vamps were harmed in the production of this little miracle", Xander quipped. "Once Buffy thinks about it and Spike’s back to his old annoying self, she’ll be okay with it, too."

The group went into the living room and took seats. Giles and Angel looked from Scooby to Scooby waiting for someone to start explaining what had just happened to Spike and Angel, and why the Slayer was furious.

"See, I had this idea...", started Xander.

"Why am I suddenly nervous?" remarked Angel.

"Hey, you weren’t part of MY plan, Dead Boy. That was all Tara’s idea", Xander said with a glare.

"We knew you were worried about Buffy and Spike being, you know, together, what with his no chippiness. Xander came up with this great idea that maybe I could put together a spell or ritual to sorta give Spike his soul back", Willow explained.

"YOU WHAT?!" bellowed the Watcher. "Willow, that is how you started down the path towards disaster before. You haven’t yet recovered from the dark magics!" he exclaimed in horror. "Tara, how could you allow this?"

"No, no! It wasn’t dark magic and Willow only figured it out, I’m the one that did the ritual", Tara hastened to reassure the Watcher. "It’s not like the curse the gypsies used on Angel, it's white magic. It's kind of like healing because it reunites what was taken from him, makes him whole. And Spike can’t lose the soul either, it’s permanent. Willow even figured out how to make Angel’s permanent too. That must be why he passed out", she finished. Tara looked at her love with obvious pride in her abilities.

"You mean I don’t have to worry about Angelus coming out again?", Angel asked. He hardly dared hope. In one instant his entire existence had changed for the better and he hadn’t even known it was coming. He couldn’t wait to share the news with Cordy.

"And you are saying that Spike agreed to this?" Giles asked. He was clearly dumbfounded at the idea.

"Yup. Well, he had some worries. Didn’t want to wind up some Angel clone, all broody and boring, but said he’d do it for Buffy. We talked and Spike knew that you and the Council would never just leave them alone with him all ‘goodbye, Mr. Chips’", Xander explained.

"Did Spike know you were going to anchor my soul, too?" Angel asked in amazement. "I just can’t imagine him jumping for joy about that. He liked to taunt me with the ‘no happies for you, sire’ crap. I can’t believe he’d ….. WOW, Spike with a soul and mine not going anywhere!", Angel said. He began to smile. The Scoobies looked on in amazement at the new facial expression on the vampire.

"Careful, Angel. Don’t want that face to crack. Not used to more than one expression on that mug", teased Xander.

"I suppose I won’t be needing this after all", said Giles. He removed the stake he had been wearing and placed it on the table.

"Are you sure Spike is all right? That WAS him screaming wasn’t it?, asked Giles.

"We’re really sure. I’m guessing it was just all that guilt hitting him at once. Don’t think you can really prepare for anything like that", said Tara.

"Yeah, I remember", Angel said and shuddered. "It’s kinda crushing. Don’t envy Spike that experience. At least he’ll have all of you here to help him out. I just had Darla, Dru and Spike--not exactly the best cheerleaders for the newly souled team member. I should stick around for a little while, see if I can help out, too", Angel said.

It was clear from his face that he hadn’t been planning to stay in Sunnydale for any length of time but felt it was the right thing to do for his fellow souled vampire.

~~~

Buffy watched Spike sleep. He was obviously having some nasty nightmares, because he twitched and moaned, and not in a yummy way either.

"Hang on, baby. We’ll get through this. Just don’t change into someone I don’t know, okay", she whispered to the sleeping vampire.

Spike was deep in sleep, nightmares to be exact. Faces long forgotten, indeed barely noticed at the time of their ill-fated meeting, crowded around him. Old faces and young, from more countries than most people could recognize. All of them had accusing eyes turned upon the vampire. This time HE was the helpless victim of a vast crowd of predators. A babble of languages screamed curses and accusations at him … a deafening howl of protest over his treatment of them. Spike writhed in an agony of impotence. There was nothing to be done for them now, they were beyond his ability to help. He couldn’t undo his bloody past.

On some level Spike realized that the witches had obviously worked some magic that had reunited his long-missing soul from the rest of him, the part that had committed the crimes. Spike was now standing in the midst of the carnage he created. The docket was too long to ever be read, the list of charges too horrible to contemplate. Spike trembled, not really in fear so much as loathing. He was the judge and his verdict was "guilty as charged". He pronounced himself the very things he had denied being to Buffy. Evil! Monster! Killer of the innocent! Reveler in destruction and mayhem! God, how had Angel stood it?

There was no easing his newly awakened conscience by thinking how differently he slaughtered than Angelus. The fact remained that he had slaughtered. Did it really make him better if some of his victims had been given a fighting chance? Was it more noble that Spike had not taken pride in torture, going for the fight and the kill when left to his own choosing?

No, Spike looked upon the faces of the lives he had taken and realized that each one represented countless other faces whose lives were forever altered as he had capered in glee.

He had once been a man, much as many of his accusers were. He had prided himself on being a man of refinement and culture, a GOOD man with noble tendencies. How far that man had fallen in the mad dance with his dark princess. He had embraced the hunt and kill with the same enjoyment and enthusiasm as he had making love to his dark angel. There was no special circumstance to plead when faced with the trail of tragedy he was personally responsible for leaving.

And now, to appease those whom his love treasured, Spike wouldn’t even have the blessing of keeping those ghosts at bay. His life was joined to theirs as surely as their blood had once fed his undead body. The temptation was strong to submerge himself in the madness that would buffer the guilt, to let insanity wash over him like a cleansing wave. Maybe that Bugger, Virgil, would just escort his sorry ass back to hell and give him company on the journey again. But no, he could not do that to Buffy and he didn’t deserve the relief madness would bring.

He could hear Buffy even now, murmuring words that he couldn’t hear over the din of his companions. He didn’t need to hear the words, he knew her. She would be trying to lend comfort. That was the kind, GOOD woman he loved. There was no comfort to be had, however, not to a serial killer, as she had once called him. No longer fit to wear the title of man, he was a thing, an evil thing just as she’d said.

Buffy began to worry as Spike, obviously in some sort of horrific pain, began to cry. Not the tears that she had spied coming from the emotional vampire on occasion in the past but deep, heart-rending sobs. Her heart ached for whatever agony he was experiencing. Buffy was terrified that through her friends’ attempt to make things safe for them to be together, she would lose him again instead.

How long had Angel suffered like this before he could function, she wondered. She remembered him once telling her that it had taken decades to begin to cope with the guilt. She didn’t have decades to wait for Spike to make those strides. It would be the most unfair irony of all if her friends had destroyed any chance Buffy would have for a life with Spike by the very act intended to aid them.

Buffy remembered how tenderly and lovingly Willow had cared for Tara when Glory had stolen her sanity. She could still hear Willow’s resolve voice promising her lover to never leave her, never stop caring, never stop loving. Buffy was terrified she didn’t have the same capacity to love selflessly as her friend had. What if she couldn’t love Spike enough when he so obviously needed her to stand strong? She had just learned to accept that she could still love at all, much less love well enough.

"Angel! Please come here, now!", Buffy yelled. She wasn’t sure what he might be able to do to help Spike. Angel was, however, the only other creature on the planet that had any idea what Spike might be going through and how to survive it.

He was through the door before Buffy could think to call for him again. "The soul, Buffy, he’s got all that guilt and remorse. You need to help him deal some way. Damn, I wish I had an easy answer. With me, it was just a matter of time, avoiding people-- brooding, lots of brooding. Don’t ever tell anyone I admitted that, okay? Finally it got to be manageable when I started helping you. Maybe reminding Spike how he’s already been helping will keep him from wallowing. Don’t mollycoddle him. Put him right back out there fighting the good fight, give him a purpose. Remind him that you need him, that he can help keep you alive. It might be enough to keep him from cracking", Angel advised.

"Okay, but what the hell can I say? I mean I’m buy-a-clue girl here, Angel", Buffy said.

"At first, I ran to Darla. I thought she could help me deal. You can imagine how well that worked for me. Darla wasn’t interested in even trying to help me cope. Course, she didn’t understand the guilt. Said I was a vamp and vamps killed for blood, why feel guilty? Said it was stupid, like humans grieving for the cows that died to put brisket on the table. I came up with compromises to stay with her. Felt even more guilt then, traveling with the three of them and trying to be as much of a vampire as I could be.

I guess I was functioning a little better then, at least, around those I knew. When I left, I was alone for ages, Buffy, it was the only way I could be sure humans would be safe. I couldn't trust myself at all. I think I would have eventually gone
as crazy as Dru or thrown myself back into full vampire mode in time if Whistler hadn’t come along to give me a project.

The worst thing you can do is isolate Spike, or let him withdraw into himself. Maybe if you push him into the light he was already headed towards, he’ll make out okay. I’ll stay a while and try to help", Angel promised.

"What’s he going to be like, Angel? I mean, Angelus was nothing like you are. Will Spike even really know me? Will he still love me? Will I recognize him? God, Angel, what if I don’t even LIKE him? Who’s going to help ME?", she wailed. "I’m just getting over the whole, ‘I was in heaven and didn’t even get a lousy t-shirt’ stuff and now I have to learn how to be psychologist to a guilt-ridden vampire."

"What if I mess up and break him even more? I mean, I’m no good at this emotional stuff. Give me a pointy piece of wood and point me at something and I’m your girl … help a broken or hurting friend, not so much", she continued in panic mode.

"Look at Willow! She was turning into Darth Rosenberg the magic junkie and I was clueless! She’s one of my oldest friends and I love her like a sister, but the best I was able to do was box up all the magic stuff in the house. There aren’t even any boxes for what Spike’s dealing with. I seem to only be good at fighting or running.

I’m not like Spike. He never ran and never backed down no matter what I did or said."

"Well, Buffy, maybe that’s the way to go with this. Just try to figure out what Spike would do or say if the situation was reversed. Remember when he first came to Sunnydale? I warned all of you that once Spike decided he wanted something he never stopped until he got it? Well, maybe you need to make SURE of what you want and then do like he does, don’t stop until you get it", Angel replied. "I know with you in his corner he’ll make out just fine. You just have to let him see you’re there in that corner."

"As for what he’ll be like ...", Angel continued, "I don’t really know. You’re right, Spike was never like me. Still isn’t. I never met him until Dru had turned him. I don’t know what kind of man he was before. I know he had a lot of rage and hurt that he took out on the puffy bastards he used to hang out with. He got the name Spike for a reason. And I do know that an awful lot of the man he was never went away. All those things you saw in him that let you love him, trust him … that’s from William. If I had to guess, I’d say he’ll probably be a lot like he’s always been, only it’ll be easier for him to make right choices. As for who’ll be here to help you? Well, I’m not going anywhere for a while and the Scoobies are here for you, too. Probably here for both of you, actually."


~~~


Once Spike woke up, some changes were obvious. He didn’t look anyone in the eye except Angel. He was quiet, too, in voice and body. He had always been hyper, like a kid with ADD. It was weird to see him so still. It was even harder to look into his haunted eyes and wait on HIM to start a discussion. He didn’t, though, except a few brief comments to Angel.

Spike moved to the Summers basement soon after waking to his new self. He started to avoid Buffy and all the Scoobies, withdrawing into himself. To give them all the credit due them, the friends made it a point to drop in to talk to him, chattering about unimportant events and silly subjects.

Spike wanted to leave and return to his crypt, but Buffy threatened to cuff him to prevent his leaving until she felt he was ready to be by himself. The truth was, Buffy feared Spike would leave Sunnydale altogether unless she was able to keep him right there in her home. When she told him being all alone in the basement probably wasn’t the best choice at this point, he began to laugh. As much as Buffy wanted to hear him laugh, this particular laugh raised more goosebumps than hopes. It was bitter and infinitely sad.

Buffy couldn’t know that her basement was one of the most crowded places on earth, at least to Spike. He would likely always carry around his inner entourage. They weren’t quite as loud after he adjusted to their presence, but the looks they gave to him spoke volumes.

More weeks had passed and it looked like the famous vampire healing wasn’t going to do a thing to help in this arena. Spike wouldn’t let Buffy touch him at all. She was angry with him when he said, "Don’t dirty yourself", and jerked his hand away from her touch. She snapped back at him in anger, telling him he was more of a brooder than Angel ever had been and that he needed to just get over himself. Spike only looked at her with those sad blue eyes and said, "No, pet, YOU need to get over me."

Giles had left a few days after the re-ensouling . He promised Buffy that he would monitor the doings of the Council and make sure they didn’t decide to interfere with her love life, or Spike’s unlife either, for that matter. He had no advice to offer about how to help Spike save for agreeing with the suggestions Angel had given. "Well, Buffy, and I cannot believe I am truly saying this, you might remind Spike of all the good he has done over the past few years, how many lives he has likely saved, including my own", Giles suggested.

When Buffy came home bloodied and bruised from patrol one night a few days after Spike’s move to the basement, she told him the least he could do was watch her back as he had been doing before everything had gone to hell. Spike began to go on patrol with Buffy from that point on. He fought as well as he ever had done, but was as silent as the graveyards they patrolled. He was like a great black ghost, present, yet not really there.

Buffy cried herself to sleep more than once, mourning her smug, talkative love. Even Xander’s attempts at insults had been met with either silence or some polite comment meant to push Xander away.

"Geesh, Spike, you feel bad about all the stuff you did in the past and we get that. Hell, I even agree you’ve got lots to be all ‘remorse boy’ over, but enough is enough! You’re breaking Buffy’s heart here and the whole point was to give her a happy", Xander said in disgust.

Willow was more understanding. Her brief indulgence in the dark side had made her realize that darkness lay in all of us and we have to fight it one decision at a time. She still felt guilty for her obsession with power and magic, running to Rack for more of both and putting Dawnie in danger.

Even though Tara had forgiven her, Willow still bowed to the memory of having manipulated her lovers’ mind and
driven her away for such a long while. She also knew that forgiveness had come more from Tara’s sweet nature than any earning of it by Willow herself.

She tried to bond with Spike, citing their similaries, only to be met with Spike’s reminder that SHE hadn’t killed entire villages during her evil spree.

The closest Spike came to confiding in Buffy was to tell her that her assessment of his worthiness had been on the money. "Buffy, all the blood I’ve got on my hands…I don’t understand how you can stand to even be in a room with me, much less not dust me. I’ll never wash clean, love, and only get you bloodied."

It was a sad bunch of pandas that sat around the Summers dining table one morning months later. They were having their first official Scooby meeting since the successful rescue of Spike.

Spike had returned to his crypt the night before, supposedly to gather a few of his better weapons. They all knew he was actually seeking to avoid them and their well-meant pep talks. Buffy had only relented in her insistence on Spike not going to the crypt again when Angel volunteered to go along with the morose vampire.

"Maybe if you just put it all on the table, Buffy… Let him know that you really do get that he’s feeling megaguilty and why", Xander suggested. "I mean we’ve all walked on egg shells around him. From the looks of things, none of us could say anything to him that he hasn’t already said to himself a thousand times. Maybe we need to acknowledge that yeah, he DOES need to be forgiven and then find a way to let him know he deserves it, too."

"Wow, when did you grow up, Xander? I mean really, I’m impressed", Willow said to her age-old friend. "You’re right, he wouldn’t buy that he doesn’t NEED it. We have to show him that we all need forgiveness."

Buffy decided to try this plan as soon as Spike returned home.

~~~


Angel had tried to talk to Spike all the way to the crypt. "William, you aren’t accomplishing anything torturing youself like this. You are punishing Buffy though, with the way you’re acting. You may deserve it, but she doesn’t. I need to get back to LA soon. I’ve got a teenage son to bond with and a future to plan. You aren’t helping me this way either, ‘cause I can’t leave with you like this. Even if I didn’t care about you, I’d care about Buffy."


Angel wasn’t sure if he had gotten through to the younger vampire or not, but Spike lost some of the body language that just screamed, "I’m worthless". "Well", Angel thought, "even the longest journey starts with one step."

They gathered Spike’s better weapons, some clothes and personal effects only to discover the sun had made prisoners of them both in the old crypt. Angel noticed Spike watching him intently whenever he thought his sire wasn’t looking.

"Okay, I’ll bite. How do you deal with all of them?", Spike finally asked.

"You mean the ugly bastards in your head?" Angel asked. "You don’t deal. You do get used to them, though. And while you learn how to deal, you do some good in this world. You take it one day at a time. You stop making everyone that you love miserable, starting with Buffy. I hate having to say this, but the girl really seems to love you. She’s thrown her lot in with you and you need to take it someplace where you both can get on with life. Stop dragging her though your personal hell and put HER first".

"I’m patrolling. Told the Slayer that I’d do it for her, let her rest up a bit. She’s not having any of that, but I go with her. No nasty’s going to get a taste of her while I’m there to stop it", Spike vowed.

"That’s not what I meant and you know it! Yeah, Buffy needs you that way, but she needs you in other ways, too. She feels guilty that you had that soul put in.

She never wanted or needed for you to have it. Now she sees how miserable you are and feels like it’s her fault. Stop being a birk and snap out of it", Angel admonished.

"I’m not good enough for her", Spike said quietly.

"No shit? With investigating skills like yours, I could use you in LA! Dumbass", Angel said sarcastically. "May as well get some sleep while we wait out Mr. Sunshine. Maybe we’ll both get lucky and all our ghosts will hang together, trading notes and leaving US alone for a change", Angel quipped.

"You think?" Spike quipped back and actually smiled. Maybe that Dante bloke still had a prayer or two to offer and Spike could get some rest he thought.

Angel began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now if Buffy would just take the ball and run, Spike might just make it!