~*~
CHAPTER 6
~*~

_____________________________________________________________________


Looking back, Spike would have good reason to be grateful that the Concorde was no longer in service. It took enough time to get from London to L.A. for Buffy to cool down a bit and even begin to think.

"Why, why hadn't he even called?", she asked herself again and again. Yeah, yeah...she got that Angel had yammered to him about possible danger and too many questions, his purpose and all of that, but, geez since when did Spike listen to Angel?

Somewhere over the Atlantic Buffy drifted off to a troubled sleep. Dreams, not of the slayer type, yet every bit as disturbing, kept her from getting any true rest. "Scenes from an affair" she would have titled them if they were a film rather than dreams. Vague relived memories of their incredibly disfunctional, secretive affair soon after she had died then been whisked away from heaven and her reward.

Buffy realized with a start that now there was one more thing she and Spike shared. Both had died as heroes only to be brought back against their will. She only hoped that he had been someplace as wonderful as she had
been, even if only for a short time. He had earned it. Maybe, after she finished knocking him senseless for not contacting her, she would ask him.

Buffy had booked whatever flights would get her to L.A. in the least amount of time yet the hours dragged on for what seemed like forever. She changed planes in Atlanta with only the shortest of layovers. Her skin felt like ants we crawling under it as her nerves worked overtime in anticipation and anger. Part of her wanted to kill him and the other part just wanted to touch him again, make sure he was really there. He had always made her feel so many jangled emotions....always this intense too.

Back in the air again, she tried to relax and get some rest. More troubling dreams of things, words and events that Buffy had hoped to never revisit replayed in her mind and stayed with her on waking.

Spike's face, so frequently bruised, battered and bloody stared at her from over the last few year. So often he became a punching bag either on her behalf or by her own hand.

She remembered the first time, that turning point in their relationship, when Glory had tortured the soulless vampire almost to the point of no recovery. She had told him she would never forget what he had done for her. Yet within a year she, herself, had beaten him nearly as badly.


She heard her own voice, so harsh in her own ears, as she repeatedly called him evil, disgusting, a "thing". "God, how could he have continued to love me through that?, she asked herself in wonder. Yet, he had. He so
very clearly did love her, all the way to the point of death. No matter which Buffy he had to deal with, he still loved. And, unlike Buffy, he loved unashamedly and without restraint.

If she had ever wondered if he had a false image of her that he actually "loved", his speach to her the night when she'd been driven from her own home had proved to her that he did know her and loved all of what he knew.
How many women could ever hope for that?

Finally, Buffy remembered their last moments together. Her surprise at realizing just what her feelings really were for this man. "Yes, man!", she deliberately repeated to herself. Her horror in realizing that she had run out of time was still crystal clear. Her fear filled voice as she finally said the words that she knew were more desired by him than anything in this life. The admission of love returned that she had denied to herself and to him until it was too late to matter. Words she knew he had craved more than even the blood he needed to survive.
She had cheated him to the end.

She had cried many nights, when she knew herself to be alone, over his reaction. He had still looked at her with endless love for her shining out of his eyes and told her that he didn't believe her! She could hardly blame him,
given their history.

God, she had been such a fool clinging to a memory of a faerie tale first love that wasn't even real. Yes, she HAD loved Angel, or at least the image she had of Angel. She had idolized him, had a vision that no one could live up to. That was who she had truly loved. That and the dewy eyed memories of 16 year old girl with the first rush of attraction and romance. Poor Angel, their great love wasn't even about the man he really was. He deserved that at the very least. No wonder they didn't have that perfect moment of dangerous happiness! THAT Buffy and Angel had been gone long ago, if they had ever really existed at all except in imagination.

Maybe she already knew why Spike had stayed away when he resurrected. What could he have reasonably expected from her? "Hi, Buffy, guess who's not dust anymore.", he might have said. "And what would I have said back to him?", she asked herself. Well, she probably would have said the right words, "Oh, I'm so glad", and all, but, would she have run TO him, or headed for the hills with one excuse or another?

It had been a year and 8 months since that battle, since she had watched as he began to burn to his death. She'd had time to grieve, to get honest with herself and to grow up.

Hey, she had just finally put the whole "Buffy 'n Angel 4ever" baggage to rest after all this time. No, maybe it would have been of the bad for Spike again if he had called or come.

Maybe, once again, he knew her better than she knew herself. Maybe she finally wore him out as she had nearly broken him once before.

Well, at least now she was in a place where she could talk to him as he deserved. She had been given enough time to think, to remember, to admit some hard truths to herself. Maybe she'd surprise him with this new, improved, Buffy.

She was pretty sure he'd still love her 'cause he always seemed to "get her", yet love her anyway. Besides, look how long he had loved dizzy Dru. No, her Spike was the very definition of long haul guy.


_____________________________________________________________________