It's Not Enough
By:  Morrigan


A/N:  Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, to whoever nominated this fic for Best WIP at the VK Awards!  I am flabbergasted!  Thank you, also, to all who reviewed.  Please keep it up.  It makes my day!

This one goes out, again, to my wonderful beta, Blacknblue2, who helped pull a big pitfall out of this chapter.  Thanks again, girl.  I don't know where this chapter would be, without you.


Disclaimer:  All characters belong to Joss Wheon and ME.  I still don't own anything...  But, I guess I can live with that, as long as I get to come over and play!



"Hey."  Kennedy's voice was barely audible over the thumping of the old washer and dryer.

"Hey," Willow copied back.  They stood there, for a while, no sound between them, except for the whirring and thumping of the old laundry machines.  Kennedy was the first to break their silence.

"You ok?"

"No," came Willow's reply, then,  "I... I mean, yes!... Or, rather..."

Willow rolled her eyes to the ceiling, frustrated with herself for taking back the words she knew she had to say.

Turning her eyes, once more to Kennedy's she finished, "No.  I'm not."

"Oh..."  Kennedy pursed her lips and frowned, then, a slow smile began to form as she started walking closer.

"Well, I've done a lot of thinking, since last night...  Life sucking magics... Not so cool.  I get it now.  I guess it's my bad, I didn't believe you.  But, I know you weren't yourself, right then."

She reached Willow's side, and ran her fingers down her arm, tracing invisible patterns on her skin.

"So," she smiled, into Willow's eyes, with flirtatious confidence.  "I forgive you.  We're cool, Babe.  Let's just forget it."

Willow pushed Kennedy's hand away, as she turned to fully face her.

"You don't get it, at all, do you?  The last thing I need to do is forget!  You forgive me?  Fine.  Thank you.  Because... because, I hate that I hurt you.  But... you are wrong, when you say that I wasn't myself."

"But, Willow..."

Kennedy's words stopped short, as Willow kept on with her revelation.

"Because, that's the real deal.  The bottom line, Kennedy.  And that's what you don't see."

Willow shook her head as she searched Kennedy's eyes for an inkling of comprehension.  Finding none, she continued, somewhat, sadly.

"That is who I am."  It's not a game, or a front.  That power... it's inside of me, and I was more myself, last night, than you have ever seen!  What you are looking at, right now?" She gestured to her face, pointing to her eyes, "This?  This is the front!

Kennedy wasn't used to this sort of assertiveness from her girlfriend, and was taken aback by it.  She didn't understand, however, that what Willow was telling her was nothing but the truth. She continued to stare at her, in confusion, and, finally, decided that it must all be some sort of fabrication, created to protect herself, out of guilt for what she had done.

"Look, Babe," she began, "It's o.k. I'm not hurt and I know you.  And, you don't have to be afraid.  I won't let you lose yourse.."

"No!"

Willow interrupted her again, this time, taking a step back from her and pointing.

"No, you don't know me at all.  You only know what I allowed you to see!  But yeah, I am afraid of losing myself."

Her focus turned away from Kennedy and back to the room.

"I'm afraid that I have been for a while... Denying who and what I am.  That's probably why the power takes control.  Because I have been telling myself that's what would happen."

Kennedy thought that Willow was talking more to herself now, than to her.  And because of that, for the first time, she started to feel very uncomfortable about this whole conversation.

"Hmph!" Willow smirked, at her realization.  Magic is funny, like that, you know?  All this time, I've been terrified that I wouldn't be able to control it... and I've been controlling it, all along.  I've been telling myself that's it's bad, because inside, I must be, too...  And so it has been! I can't believe I didn't see it before now!  But then..." she looked back to Kennedy,  "I've been distracted, lately."

Willow brought her hand up to frame Kennedy's face as she looked into her eyes and smiled softly as she said, "I can't be with you, anymore."

And before Kennedy could think of something to say, Willow was up the stairs and gone, leaving her to finally understand what had happened.

Willow was in control...  And had just dumped her!


*  *  *  *  *


The dust filled her nose, causing her to sneeze.  Her body frozen, she watched, eyes widening in shock, as it settled down in a pile on the grass.

"I got him!" Amanda cried out to her fellow potentials, as they whooped, hollered and exchanged hi-fives like by-standers at a high school football game.

Buffy looked on from a few yards away, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, as she watched Amanda's peers surround her in a massive group hug of congratulations.

"They're gonna, bloody well, wake the rest o' the dead with all that ruckus!"

Spike's voice floated up from behind the tombstone upon which Buffy was leaning.  As if on cue, two vamps appeared, some distance away, from behind a mausoleum.

"Oh, Lookie!"  One of the girls pointed to them, for the rest to see and then they were off.  Thier confidence bolstered by their first victory of the night, they charged after their next two un-suspecting
victims, with stakes held high.

"If it's too loud, your too old."  Buffy snarked.

Her smile grew wider as she listened to the low curses Spike was emitting behind her as she continued to watch the cat and mouse display.

Quickly seeing that the tables had turned, the fledglings had gone into hiding and the teens were creeping about, in search of them.

Buffy thought they looked much like a gaggle of children out on an Easter egg hunt!

"I feel rather sorry for them," Spike said, walking around to stand beside her.  He cocked his head to the side, quizzically, with a perplexed expression was upon his face as he watched the show playing out before the slayer and himself.

Having been flushed out of their hiding place, the vamps were now,fleeing for their un-lives, as the seemingly insane girls advanced upon them, grinning madly.

"Over what?  Those guys?"  Buffy's gaze flicked from the scene, to Spike's, then back again.  "Puh-leeze!  Our girls SO have them beat!"

Spike shook his head as he watched several of the slayerettes overtake the smaller of the two demons.  He went down screaming like a pathetic girl.

"I was talking about the vampires," he corrected her.

They stood there, side by side, for a moment, watching the potentials, both of them thinking about their first battles in their prospective callings.

"It's strange," Buffy said.  "These girls didn't ask for this.  Just weeks ago, most of them didn't even know vampires existed.  But here they are, learning, fighting, because someone else chose for them.  Someone chose... and now they are hunted and they don't even have slayer strength... yet.  But they have each other.  They share the burden...  Sometimes, I envy them."

Spike hopped up to sit on top of the stone adjacent to hers and smiled wistfully.

"Really, not so grand, love...  The big group thing...  They'll never be much of anythin' so long as your alive n' kickin.  And if, somethin' were to happen, they wouldn't know what to do wi' themselves.  Not a one of them knows how to fight on their own.  

"But it doesn't really matter, does it?"  Buffy asked him, "I mean, if I don't find a way to fix what I've done?  There won't be any need for slayers in the running."

Spike just raised a brow at her.  It had only been a few days since the portal adventure, but her depression was wearing him a little thin.

"What?"  Buffy quipped.  "What are you looking at?"

"I'm not sure."  He snorted, "It's not like you to be all sulk, no action."

Buffy returned his previous look.

"I'm serious!  You've got to snap out of it.  I'm not fancyin' the idea of bein' dust m'self, you know.  If you're so sure we're all goin to hell in a bucket, then let's try and stop it!  You want to go portal jumping again?  Fine!  No?   That's fine too.  We'll find another way.   But enough with the brooding, already!  Your starting to sound like bleedin' Angel, for buggerin all, he's worth!

Buffy felt the blush creeping up and around her face, while he ranted on, at her.  She was both angry and embarrassed about her behavior, and his voiced opinion of it.  It didn't even matter to her, that he had used this as an opportunity to get in some Angel bashing.  He was right.  She had been a real morale sucker.  But she had no idea how she could stop this horrible thing from happening, save one.  And it wasn't like she could just jump back into the portal and say 'Hey, sorry! I was just kidding, you wanna help me out now?'  There was no way, it could be that easy, could it?  She shrugged to herself, thinking, 'I guess there is only one way to find out.'

Spike had hopped off of the tombstone, and was smoking another cigarette.  Apparently, he had still been talking away, but she hadn't heard the rest of what he had to say.

"Thank you," she interrupted.

"Huh?" He was looking at her as though she had a monkey on her head.

"For what?"

"For helping me make up my mind... Again."

"Well...  You're welcome.  Always here to...  Hey!"

"OW!"

Buffy felt a sharp blow connect with her head.

Disoriented, she fell from the tombstone.  She felt as though she was falling in slow motion and was aware of dust raining down all around her.  Some of it got into her eyes, causing her to squeeze them tightly shut, on her way down.  Was it Spike?  Had someone dusted her vampire?  She prepared herself for the, all too familiar, pain of hitting the cold marble base at the bottom, but instead, found herself caught, tangled in something just as cold, but far more yielding, as her consciousness began to slip away.

Strong arms were restraining her.  No... holding her.  Enveloping her in the scents of whiskey, leather, smoke and earth which, strangely, made her feel vulnerable and protected, all in one.  Scents which brought to mind other things, as well.

Alabaster skin...  Fingers running through her hair...  Cool caresses in the dark...  Soft, wicked laughter...  Those eyes...  No one else had eyes like...

'Spike!  Her mind screamed out,  Oh, God!  Spike!'

Buffy clawed her way back into the waking world, rubbing at her eyes, furiously, causing them to burn and water, in an attempt to clear them and see what had happened.  As she did so, gentle hands met hers, and began wiping away the tears and dust on her face and she blinked up into the concerned, liquid blue depths that hovered before her.  Her breath hitched in her throat.

'Those eyes!'  She thought, again, 'No one else has ever had eyes like his.

They turned from her then, slowly, a low rumble sounding from his chest, as they landed on the pack of worried and embarrassed, dust covered teens, standing a few feet to their left.  Buffy could hear them mumbling sorrys and other apologetic terms, and she understood that it was their over-emphatic slay-play that had caused her throbbing headache.

"I think," he spoke, carefully, "it's fair to say the party is over."  The color changing from blue to green, yielding flecks of glowing yellow that hinted at the demon behind them, causing a few squeaks from the girls, and a collective squirm among all of them.  They knew, he was pissed and they were in trouble.

Buffy watched all this, albeit through blurry eyes, with a new fascination.

In a matter of seconds, he had elicited emotions of relief, trust, care, scolding and fear, all with those incredible eyes.  And all for her.  And as they found hers again, blue once more, she became aware of the fact that, even though she was sitting up now, he was still holding her close.

Despite the awkwardness of the moment, and the splitting headache, she found herself captivated by them.  Holding her, unbeknownst to him, in complete and total thrall.

'Oh damn!'  She thought.  'That, really, was some fall!'