Spike wished Angel would just go away. It was humiliating. Lying there barely able to move in that awful hospital gown while Angel stood over him. Spike couldn't help remembering the time he'd spent in a wheelchair. When Angelus had come and taken away everything Spike had worked for. How weak and powerless he'd felt.

Spike wasn't one to expect life to be fair, but still, just once couldn't Angel be the one to be maimed and incapacitated.

There was a quiet knock at the door. Then without warning she was there. Buffy, peaked in.

"Hey, how are you? Hey Angel. Do you mind if I. . ." she didn't seem to know what to say.

"Come in pet," he said hurriedly, afraid she'd go away. Suddenly all the pain was gone or at least not important. Buffy was here and she wasn't mad at him.

At the same time he was embarrassed all over again. He'd imagined a hundred different ways it could go when she found out that he was alive, from the good to the bad. But nothing he'd thought of had been as bad as this. Weak, helpless. And yet she was here and that had to be good.

She started to enter and close the door behind her when Angel crossed the room to her, blocking Spike's view.

"I thought we were the enemy."

Fuck, Spike thought. She was here to see him. She cared, at least a little, how he was doing and tall, dark, and brooding was going to bollox the whole thing up.

"Yeah, I don't get that part, since no one's told me anything. Is Spike working for you?"

"NO!" the two vampire's said in unison.

"See, not an evil lawyer, not the enemy."

"So you think you can just waltz in here after you're little, 'everyone's evil speech?'"

"Angel . . ." she opened the door to the room again and pulled Angel through, shutting the door on Spike.

Damn! She wasn't going to stay. He wasn't going to see her. He wasn't even strong enough to stand up and get her. Not to mention the fact that he didn't think he could turn a door knob right now. Luckily, it didn't seem to occur to either Angel or Buffy that it was his hands that got cut off, not his ears and with his vampire hearing he could hear every word they were saying just as if they'd stayed in the room.

"Look," Buffy was saying, "I know you're mad at me and we could argue more about this whole Wolfram & Hart thing, but honestly, I don't care about that. Spike's hurt and-"

"And what? You know, I didn't have to do this. I'm paying for this whole thing. I could have just left him there like that. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to have two arms reattached?"

'Bastard. No one asked you for your bloody help,' Spike thought.

"No. I don't. And thank you. You're right, you didn't have to. It's not that I think you're evil Angel. God, I love you, you know that."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. He wanted to scream, he wanted to kick things, throw them and smash them. How could she say that right in front of him. He knew it was true but hearing her say to Angel the thing she would never say to him. It felt like a knife had been stuck in his stomach and was ripping him open from navel to neck. He bit his lip to keep from making any noise. He was sure now that Angel must know that he could hear. He was probably grinning ear to ear. Lapping it up. Angel probably had Buffy against the wall his tongue down her throat rubbing against her.

Tears rolled down his cheeks, but he couldn't move his hands to wipe them away. He had stopped paying attention to the conversation outside but now he could hear that Buffy was still speaking.

"He's my friend."

There was a silence and then, "Fine whatever," and Spike could hear Angel's heavy steps as he left.

The door opened, and there she was again.

"Sorry about that. Oh God, you're in pain. Let me get a doct-"

"Wait. I'm okay, pet. Really."

"No, I'll get someone. It'll only don't take a minute."

"Please don't go." Fuck, could he sound anymore pathetic?

She smiled. She smiled at him. The pain was still there. The hurt from the words that he wasn't supposed to have heard. And yet somehow it didn't matter. She was smiling at him.

She came and sat gently next to him on the bed. Her leg was only centimeters from his hand, and he couldn't touch her. He wouldn't have. He knew he wasn't allowed, but it drove him nuts knowing that he wasn't physically capable of doing it. It seemed more than he could bear. Then suddenly she leaned forward, and her hands were on his face. Hot soft fingers wiping away his tears, and it didn't seem to matter as much that he couldn't touch her as long as she didn't stop touching him.

"Are you sure you're okay? You don't have to prove anything you know. I know how tough you are. There's no point in you being in pain."

He wanted to laugh, it was almost too much to bear. He was pretty well drugged, he could tell, and the pain in his hands was almost nothing. But there was nothing they could give him for the pain of her. Then again, with all the shamans running around maybe there was.

"Really, pet, I'm okay. They gave me lots of nice drugs."

She looked at him as if she didn't really believe him but was going to let it slide. She looked down at his left hand and gently began to run her fingers across it. He could see her do it but thanks to those self same "nice" drugs he couldn't really feel her touch. He wanted to curse, to get her to go back to touching his face, but he just watched her accepting the intention of her caresses even if couldn't properly enjoy them.

"I talked to the doctor's, or shaman's or whatever, before I came in. They say you're going to be all right. Good as new in fact. Not right away, but you know, soon. Which is good, cause I like your hands. I like what they-" she broke off blushing.

For the first time he smiled. Fuck Angel. She might love Angel, but he bet Angel had never really touched her the ways he had. The ways he might still again, but that Angel couldn't allow himself to.

"I'm kind of attached to them myself. And I intend to stay attached this time."

She looked up. He expected her to tease him about the bad joke but instead there were tears in her eyes.

"Oh god, Spike, I'm so sorry. I never meant. . . This is all my fault." she broke down sobbing.

"Shh there, there." The need to scream and break things hit him again full force. He wanted to put his arms around, her, to comfort her. But he was too drugged. He couldn't move. "Don't know what you're talking about. None of this is your fault. I'm the stupid git who bit off more than he could chew."

Sniff "But it is my fault. I did this to her. I made her a Slayer. I made her a killer. Those people she killed, I gave her the power to kill them, to hurt you."

"Hey. This isn't your fault. Those people would have died months ago if you hadn't made the potentials into Slayers. Along with all the rest of us I might add. You saved the world. You did what you had to do. None of this is your fault."

"Yeah, I saved the world," her eyes were still teary, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "I saved the world by killing you."

"All right that's enough, pet. You didn't kill me. I made my own decisions. And I wouldn't change a thing, not even if it meant that I stayed dead. Now stop this."

Suddenly she sat up and wiped away her tears. "God look at me. Here you are in the hospital, in pain, and I'm crying all over you. Expecting you to take care of me. Self absorbed much?"

"Buffy, it's okay, luv. I don't mind. Cry if you need to. I wouldn't have, shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm just frustrated since I can't hold you. Comfort you all proper like. You know, just when I was getting used to touching things again."

"Huh?"

"Oh right, guess no one told you about my Casper days?" she just stared at him confused. "When I came back I was ghost. Or something like a ghost anyway. That's how I ended up here in L.A. The amulet belonged to Wolfram & Hart and just sort of found it's way back.

"Thing was, I was stuck to it, or to Wolfram & Hart. They owned the amulet and it owned me. So for several months there I had nothing to do but haunt Angel. But I couldn't touch anything, at least not without all sorts of concentration. Anyway, didn't get all corporeal again until about a month ago." he shrugged and was rather proud of himself, it was the most significant movement he'd made yet.

"A whole month, huh? And that whole time you couldn't find a phone?"

"And call what number? Not like I could check with the Sunnydale post office for a forwarding address and find out, say what country you were in."

"Please Angel knew how to. . . Okay, so I admit Angel probably wasn't going to give you my number. But still, I find it hard to believe that you couldn't find a way to contact me. I mean you're Spike. You could find all the pieces of the Judge, that ring of vampire invulnerability, not to mention your soul, and you couldn't find my phone number or forwarding address? It's just. . . it hurt you know. Seeing you, knowing that you were back, and you didn't tell me. It hurt."

"I'm sorry luv. You know I'd never hu. . . never MEAN to hurt you."

"I know." she reached over and ran her fingers through his hair. "So being a ghost not the fun it's cracked up to be?"

"Please. Not much fun to be had when you pass through everything. Not sure this is really that much better. When I was a ghost I couldn't touch anything, but then again there was nothing to touch."

"Huh? Just because your body wasn't solid doesn't mean everyth. . .Oh," she blushed as comprehension dawned on her. "Well, don't go thinking I'm going to be doing you any favors. I don't feel that guilty," she tossed her hair back over her shoulder.

He couldn't help but give her his cocky grin. Between the hair, the blushing, and the way her eyes had momentarily traveled down his body, he knew she wasn't as opposed to the idea as she was trying to seem.

"Why, pet, I would never imply you do anything of the sort. . ." he waited till she gave him the look that said that she didn't believe him for a second, "here. Look in the corner behind the telley."

She looked and spotted the security camera.

"I guess you do have reason to be camera shy."

"It's not that. I hadn't even thought about THAT. It's just, where do you think Angel went when he left here? I'd be willing to be bet you almost anything that he went to security. No, I have no intention in letting him get off watching you suck my cock."

"Please, Spike. YOU might do something like that, but Angel wouldn't. Not to mention I'm pretty sure that me giving you a blow job is not high on his list of turn ons."

Spike laughed.

"I'm not saying it wouldn't piss him the hell off, but trust me, he wouldn't be able to look away. He'd be able to block out most of it. All he'd see is you mouth around a cock, and he could imagine it was his. Besides, he likes to watch. He used to watch me and Dru all the-"

"Ewww, okay that's enough. We are not having this conversation anymore. It's ridiculous. How do you even come up with this stuff?"

"Suit yourself, pet, but if you don't believe me, go to security. Fourth floor, left out of the lift. You can't miss it. They keep a log at their front desk. Angel's the boss so they won't have made him sign in, but they'll have written his name in."

"And you know all this how?"

"Hello, ghost, here, three months. Not like I had much to do, especially with the forced celibacy," then his voice dropped, now he was serious, "He's got no clue you know. What goes on here. He says 'jump' and they say 'how high?' but only the ones he sees. He thinks he runs things here, but there are a dozen division heads, and the only ones he knows are Wes, and Gunn, and Fred. This place works without him. Goes on about it's business. He's got no clue what goes on here."

"Miss Summers?" one of the nurses stuck her head in, "Mr. Spike really needs his rest. You can come back later."

She nodded, and kissed him on the forehead. "I'll be back later, I promise, rest okay? Get better."