Note: There are two poems here. The first one is “The funeral” by John Donne. The second one is “Les feuilles d’automne” (“The autumn leaves”) by Victor Hugo. There’s a translation at the end of this story in case you want to read it.
Thanks: to Melissa for all the corrections, the tips and the lovely words. And for the translation as well.
Second note: Andrea P., this is for you.
Third note: It’s time to post this one after what has happened!!! ;)


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IN THE DARK


Have you ever been lost in the dark? It’s a maze, you see. A dark maze where somebody, hidden in the shadows, straight ahead, silent like a whisper, turns off the lights as long as you walk along the damp corridors. Sometimes a web, delicate as a dream, caresses your cheek with a furtive finger, cold and elusive. But that’s all what that is. A web. The fine, well-built, beautiful house of a predator. The spider is there too. Waiting. It’s got all the time in the world. And infinite patience. And the knowledge that, sooner or later, the prey will fall. And it’s going to be food, and joy, and warmth. Because, life is that. Always that. And the only sound you can hear is the buzzing of a dying fly. Annoying and teasing, trying desperately to escape in a useless attempt to survive. But it struggles, as we all do, and the spider looks at it, listens to it, still waiting, with a smile shining in its eight eyes.

I used to be the spider. Wrapped in the darkness, sometimes venturing far from my web, sometimes swinging on it whistling a furious tune. They fell down, prey I mean. They always fell to my feet. I don’t know why but I know for sure it was as warm as the forgotten sunshine. When they fought back… oh! That was bliss. So ignorantly disposed at first, so frightened in the end.
Never expected it to change, though. Never expected that it’d only take one little girl jumping and dusting useless minions in a dark alley. Never expected I was going to be so blind not to notice it. Covered in her I was and I never bloody knew it. The web frayed and faded and I collapsed to the ground with a resounding thump. No darkness can save me now. The sun is out there, waiting to burst my body into flames. I can feel it and it’s a water spring, fresh and intimate and I’m terrified. Me! Terrified! Curled in this corner, the blackest and wettest I could find. Wrapped in my duster, a shield that could protect me from those frightening words seeping from a dream. My legs are stiffed, my arms ache and my fingers want to run away from my hands just to touch her, just to brush past her gleaming golden hair… If I were a pathetic human I’d probably be sitting on the edge of some bed staring at the drawer in which I hid a loaded gun. But I’m not a pathetic human. I’m a pathetic vampire instead. So I guess I should be gawking at the point of a stake. I tried once but couldn’t do it due to those sodding “always sticking our noses around” friends of hers and, who am I kidding anyway? Talking big, as usual. Well, maybe not talking but showing off. Only for myself. Self-pity and everything. ‘Cause you can’t go around being half a thing. Either you’re complete or you’re nothing. Want to be evil? Go ahead mate, at full blast. Want to be one of those bloody boring goodies? Better for me, in my old days I mean, but do it at your best. If not, it’s not worth it.
Frankly, listening to Harmony snoring makes me fancy that stake. I should get myself a coffin to sleep in just not to listen to her. I wonder why we don’t sleep in those boxes. We’re dead after all. Too uncomfortable I guess. Restrained as if you’re clad in a wooden suit. Imagine that! Rambling on here and I’ve drunk only one sodding bottle. I’m out of fags, though. Maybe that’s the reason. I should go out and get some but… The sun is out there. The woman clothed in the sun… Oh, sod it! I need to smoke and another bottle wouldn’t hurt me. OK, let’s make them four bottles. Or the whole night at Willie’s. I can sleep under the table if the occasion comes.


Have I drawn the curtains well? Why is that moonbeam playing on the bed, then? Get off!
Don’t you see I’m trying to think here? It’d be better if I’d sleep off the thoughts but I’m terrified. I mustn’t close my eyes. He’s there waiting for me like the moon, as a flash of black and gold and gleaming teeth. Oh, yes, glistening teeth and he’s jumping on me and my panties getting all wet… I wonder if Riley found out… Probably not, wounded and fighting Miss “oops I’ve no cell brains left”. Better, I would die of embarrassment if he even suspects I… Shhhh! Why! We’re alone here and it’s so ink-black that I can’t even see my own hands! My hands… wanted to grab his T-shirt and never let him go.
I feel so lonely sometimes… Maybe it’s the darkness. Loneliness grows in the dark like a poisoning plant, creeping under the carpets, spying through a crack of the closet doors with golden eyes. No, no golden! Red, that’s it. Red huge eyes waiting to bite fiercely at your veins, draining you silently… What’s going on with metaphors and me tonight? Can I find one more that is completely unsuitable? This unsatisfied longing… No, no, no. Not unsatisfied. I mean, there’s Riley and he’s big and broad and handsome and… I can’t stand him sometimes. Have I said that aloud? Anyway, I think I should go to sleep. It’s so cold that even my knees are crackling. This damned blanket is of no use at all. Maybe I should have let Riley stay for the night. Warm me up, turn me on… Turn every single light in the room on as well ‘cause God knows I don’t want tricky images leaping from this dirty brain of mine. Isn’t him supposed to be cold? Icy and freezing. He should be that and not warm and firm and… Don’t dare to say it! He’s not! He’s disgusting! But, oh, how he knows the wise skills of kissing! His tongue was a washing tide bathing every inch of my mouth. And those long fingers climbing along my back while Giles was as blind as a bat…
That’s past and it’s buried in the “never going to happen again” archive. You promised not to dig it anymore. Can’t help it! I should go out. Stretch my legs; see if I can find something to kill. You know, a good spot of violence. What? He’s right about that. It works, really. But… the moon is out there. It’ll catch me in his… its eye and... Oh, fuck it! I need to clear my head and a good fight won’t hurt me. OK, maybe a lot of good fights. I can even skip one cemetery and I’ll probably get back so tired that I’ll fall asleep on the porch.


Oh, I’m so going to kill her! Blow her brains out with this little thing and I’ll eat them afterwards. I’ll drink her blood directly from the hole her head will leave. Like a fountain, yeah. I’ll bath myself in it as if I were in a bloody Italian fountain. Throwing that money at me in that way… Who the fucking hell does she think she is? I’m going to teach her who is beneath. She’s going to be so beneath they will have to dig till China to find the remaining parts of her body. Oh, my God! Unlife smiles at me again! Waiting for me, love? Sitting in the backyard just for me to… Cry? SHE is crying. Well, I never expected she’d be capable of such a thing being so… What are you doing, wanker! No, don’t leave it there! Use the gun, use the gun, use… I wonder what happened. Nibblet? No, she wouldn’t be sitting here if Nibblet… Wish she let me hug her… Wipe away her tears. Bet they are as warm as her skin… Bollocks! Sod off to your crypt mate. Sod off… I can’t leave her like that. Let’s be quiet for a moment. She’ll talk, eventually. Her heartbeat is breaking my ears, though. Patience is a virtue they say. I used to have it, back in the old days. Used to have too many useless stupid virtues. Guess it won’t hurt if I try… and get closer to her thigh just to feel her a little more… Inhale, yeah. Oh, she smells so good! GRRRR… Soak my T-shirt, pet. Lean your head on my shoulder and let me protect you…


What is he doing here? What is he doing wandering around with a GUN? And why in God’s name is he sitting by my side? Patted my back! He has patted my back as if he was… comforting me? Too much for one night. I wish he just leave. Better not. It’s good to be with someone. I don’t really want to be alone and… He’s not someone! He’s a thing and… I don’t see anybody else here, soothing you, consoling you. Where is Riley? Too busy with those stupid pals of his, maybe underground again and he thought he’d do my job in that Rambo way… He’d probably be gibbering just to soothe me without even noticing that would only make me feel worse. Why isn’t HE speaking? Isn’t it his trademark or something like that? Wish I could lean my head on his shoulder… Bet he’d know the exact words… No! Stop with the sighs! Every time I inhale… He smells so good! Of course I’ve always known that, since those days. Not again! I forbid you! Anyway, are you completely out of your mind? Don’t you remember why you are out here? I’m more relaxed now.
Having him near has helped it seems. Oh, that’s so wrong! Go now! The sun is just there. Get out of my sight!


I’m such a dope! As if she’s ever going to thank me! Only wanted to open her bloody eyes, that’s it! She’s always running after that bugger when he’s not worth a stroll in the park. Not worth to even get laid with some dumb ass as Harmony. She had to know… I did the right thing and… she was naked… She was in that comfy, warm bed, naked. ALONE. He was getting himself bit by a whore when she’s naked and her skin is searing and her taste is so damned powerful… I DID THE RIGHT THING! It’s nothing to do with jealousy. Or maybe yes, but what the hell? He asked for it! Taking advantage of a cripple… Wish I’d found him in the old days. Sodding duffer wouldn’t have last two seconds. I would have drained him in a minute. No, I’d drink enough to make him weak and then I’d have pulped him till I roll in mincemeat. Oh, sod it! Where’s my bloody bottle? Forget it; let’s go somewhere instead.


Why has he done such a thing to me? TO ME! I kill those things! He knew it… I thought I knew him and look now… I was lying here, naked, expecting him and he was… He was out there betraying me and what’s sacred and… I was naked and… he was standing there, asking stupid questions and I swear I could listen to his dirty brain shooting porn slides in a row. I wonder if he peeped when I ordered him to turn round… Oh, I so hate him! For doing this to me, showing me the truth… I had to open my eyes, though. Sooner or later I’d find out… Why has he done this to me…?


Can a bloke be such a jerk? Everything was going on so well! Okay, maybe that word isn’t the suitable one but… I didn’t need to spoil everything by SAYING it, right? What had I expected after all? She all happy and melting in front of my very eyes, crying and weeping and a shining smile bouncing on those perfect lips of hers… No, missing the point again here. I’ve become a sodding pansy. A worthless worm not useful enough to express my own feelings for her to fall to my feet. Hey, that isn’t as crazy as it sounds! Tons of chicks fell to my feet in the former days. One smile and they were eating from my hand… No, wait. I was eating from their necks but that isn’t important here. The significant point is I SAID it and she flatted my nose with a door and now I can’t erase the words even after three bottles of Jack and… Heavy head mate. Not going anywhere here. Hit the road and bye, bye, love. What if she changes her mind? Not gonna happen. Why not? ‘Cause she’s still all moody for that sorry excuse for a boyfriend, that’s why. Frigging soldier’s not even worth to lick the floor she walks on. Yet, who’s in her bed all this time? GRRRRR……… Stop, you bloody nit Jack or whatever is your name! Go to your crypt, find Harmony if you can, put off the candles and shag her brainless. PHHHHHH… Even more? Ok, to your crypt, turn off the candles and knock yourself unconscious. “The only chance you had with me…” Bollocks, what is it with words tonight? Jumping out from the glass, leaping from my shattered undead heart… Need to sleep. Need to… Need…


We have something… I must be dreaming here ‘cause, otherwise, why am I rolling in my bed, with sheets strangling my waist and the pillow in which I am drowning… in you. Drowning in you… I’m in your life… So wrong, so wrong ‘cause you’re a bloodsucker and Riley’s getting bit by that slut and I remember now how it felt… How it felt as her fangs sank in his wrist, and his fangs sink in my neck and he whispers the words in between licks and gasps…
Shit, shit, shit! You should see him naked…Wake up, wake up! You’re not supposed to dream about such a monster nevertheless enjoy it. But it feels so… it feels so… NO! My back is arching and my fists are clutching the sheets and this silent and satisfied shriek escaping from my parted lips while I sink in deep blue eyes... water. Cold and burning and I’m not embarrassed… I’m not but completely and undeniably fulfilled as if… as if his fingers were just here… Back to sleep, drink some water and back to sleep. Where I’m more or less unconscious…


There’s not an inch that doesn’t hurt. Oh, Christ! That blithering hideous bitch has beaten seven kinds of shit out of me and not even the kiss has alleviated the pain. Not even her words had erased the humiliation. Being caught with that stupid robot! When had I turned in such a failure? I’m the Big Bad, for Christ sake! Never needed an extra device to perform my deeds. Had killed and maimed for over a century and I always got what I wanted. Succulent little girls who wriggled under my body with overwhelming satisfaction. Flesh and bones and blood. Warm, tasty humans, screaming and panting under my touch and… Oh, God, wasn’t unlife great? Now, there’re only bruises everywhere I look, everywhere I turn. Outside, inside, everything is a nasty blue with some tiny touches of violet and yellow as those expressionists’ pictures I liked so much. I should have been a painter… her all naked lying on this sarcophagus while I work with my brushes… Oh, the possibilities… I had to choose pens instead. Oh, but, the possibilities… Writing on bare skin as in that film… Don’t remember the name and probably it’s better. Lay down mate. Allow yourself to heal. Will I ever…?


The food is ogling at me from the dish. What, I’m not hungry here, so? All I can see is a mess of vegetables, deep green surrounding a flat brown toasted meat, beaten enough to remain still in my plate. Oh, awful thought, get lost! Beaten, silent. Awesome and touching. I’d to restrain myself just not to hug him and soothe him after those appalling confessions. Only a kiss, soft as the touch of a ladybug. I can’t care that much. So what if he did one good thing for a change? Willow told me about the bunch of flowers… He cared enough to bring a bunch of flowers for my mother… I’m sighing again and that’s not good. Back to the bad things then… He chained me. I love you… He poked me with that lightning rod. He saved me from Dru… You’re in my guts… That bitch! Black beauty my ass. If she’s got something remotely beautiful in her I’m the Queen of… What do I care if she looks attractive to him? I don’t give a damn! So blue and violet and yellow he was… My heart skipped a heartbeat at the sight of him like that. Who is going to cure him? Who is going to…? He’s strong! He heals fast. He’s a vampire, damn it! So why do I want to run to his crypt with gauzes and bandages and the complete nurse uniform to… MMMM… Naughty thoughts… I can’t! What if they find out?


Easy, easy, pal. Inch after inch and it won’t hurt that much when you finally find a suitable position and don’t move ever again. Two bloody days and I’m still broken. Nobody came to see if I still breathe… Well, I don’t breath but… Not even Nibblet. I wish she’d showed up. Somebody to talk to instead of these bare stony, stinky walls that look at me as if they want to crumble and bury my sorry ass forever in a pile of debris. Probably would be better. Nobody would ever miss me… I’m starving but the fridge is in Mars right now. Maybe I could let myself starve to death. I bet it wouldn’t be as painful as this hole in my chest. She dug in it as a pirate looking for an old treasure. As if I could have something valuable inside! Not made of gold here. Gold as the sun… She glowed in the sun. Her hair was gleaming under the rays and I’ve got only one eye… Cyclops with no strength to kidnap her and never let her go. Cradle her small strong body in my arms, lean my head on her shoulder and her hand caressing my hair… Gentle as the touch of a mermaid. Smells like the sea… Fresh breeze and her eyes stealing the stars and the moon in her flat stomach and the tip of my tongue savouring the soft skin, her skin quivering and squirming as a little seahorse… Stop being such a Nancy! Think of something else. Recite the whole Shakespeare work aloud if it’s necessary but stop pining over useless matters. Okay, here I go… Ouch! Three broken ribs, probably a lung stabbed by one of them, a keyhole burning on one nipple. I could spy my buttock through it if I could bend my neck enough. One swollen eye and what do I care if there’s nothing to see around? Not even myself. Ha! Hilarious or maybe I’m delusional. Can’t be ‘cause that would take a fever and I’m dead, gone, passed away, deceased, non-existing, lifeless, nothing. At least they could have come for my funeral. Never had an appropriate one with flowers and tears and… “Whoever comes to shroud me, do not harm nor question much…” That’s it. I need a stake. Quickly. “Since you would save none of me, I bury some of you” That’s so much better! I will, I swear. I’ll bury you no matter how. I’ll bury inside of you and remain still for an eternity just to feel you beneath me, just to hold you, just to inhale your scent of wide skies and daffodils and green… Oh, somebody stake me!


When I’ve become such a coward? Two days at that door and I was never able to kick it opened. Only my hand on its cold surface and I had to go and close my eyes and picture him beneath my touch… I cried this morning. I was having a bath and suddenly tears were running down my cheeks, competing against the shower and they won! I’ve got this hole in my chest the size of Alaska. I keep this smiling mask, though. Worried smiling mask. Smile, frown, vow, smile, frown, vow, as if I was that fucking robot. I’m a robot. Kicking asses, denying, punching faces, repressing and they’re all happy and isn’t that the point after all? All happy not matter what ‘cause champions or heroes are not meant to keep even a thread to themselves but die day after day in order to save happiness for the rest? For those who are going to grieve them when they aren’t around anymore; mourn for three months, four months till the pain recedes and it’s only a heart twitch once in a while? In the darkness I’m bolder. In the darkness my bed is the throne of wisdom. In the darkness I’m wrapped in black clothes and my nostrils expand to catch his scent, the leather and the booze, the cigarettes and his soft skin quivering under the tip of my tongue and I sail across his legs that quaver under my touch as luminous dolphins, along the hard muscles of his arms, within the depths of his blue oceans… In the darkness the door is locked and I’ve left the accusatory looks and the admonishing fingers and the world outside and I lay down on stone to be granted with a lavish display of handsome manhood.


Oh, bloody hell! I’m blind! One-eyed blind man. Silly bastard, it’s already night out there and you’ve spent the whole day passed out… Lack of food, that’s it. The fridge must be near Alpha Centauri right now. Oh, bugger it! Who wants to eat when surely as hell the blood will leak from this hole as if I were a cartoon? I should put a spigot on it. Oh, don’t laugh, you pillock! Just stay quiet…yes, like that, like that… Need a fag or maybe not. Same problem. I would probably look like one of those chimneys back home. Stop drivelling on! And don’t even giggle, you hear me? What if I do? I would shudder and shiver till all my remaining bones collapse within my body like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Hope somebody would have brought me a packet of fags at least. Don’t I deserve anything for having kept my mouth shut? I could have told her. I could, really. But I chose not to instead. It’s not that I expected some reward… I wouldn’t tell that bitch my last name if that were the case. But I’d welcome some chatter now, her smile as a river of spume sprinkling kisses all over me. Driving me mad, taking my mind away of this pain, of this void that grows in this pitch-black crypt of mine…


In the darkness I can sneak out of the house. In the darkness I can open my window and jump to the ground down there and run along the streets, across the graveyard, straight to his arms. I haven’t seen him in five days. He must be really bad. Maybe I could go with a silly excuse as “I was passing by. Bring you one of these silly onion flowers you like. You know, just to decorate this place a little…” Stupid! He must be really bad… Where are my sneakers? No, not this top, the blue one. Where are you, damn it? Leather pants, yes. Leather is perfect. Don’t squeak now, my tree, my friend. What are you doing? Dawn is sleeping there, alone! No, Giles is there and it’s going to be only a brief moment. A second, actually. I go, I check, I come back. I promise. Oh, I promise.


Who is there? Stop sniffling whoever you are! Frigging ponce! Wait till I get to my feet. Wait till I can find my feet. Stop snivelling I told you! Oh, my, it’s me. Oh, I’m so cold. Mum, couldn’t we just light a log, please? Only one ‘cause this dirt in which I’m lying is freezing my flesh and the wood is so tight. Sing me a song, please. Tell me of those marvellous days in Paris. I can speak in French if you want… Something you like… “Si jamais vous n’avez, à l’heure où tout sommeille, tandis qu’elle dormait, oublieuse et vermeille, pleuré comme un enfant à force de souffrir, crié cent fois son nom, du soir jusqu’à l’aurore, et cru qu’elle viendrait en l’appelant encore, et maudit votre mère, et désire mourir…” See, I’ve learnt. Little William has learnt pretty well! Light a fire, please. Take away this darkness; give me some water. Oh, thank you! Thank you, mum. I was so thirsty! Now I can feel my lips again and I can feel the warmth. Is it a fire? It’s the sun! A mirage, a mirage with green palms, green eyes, swinging in the sunset, in the flickering candles, and the sand, the hot sand, hot fingers that warm my skin…


Well, it was the least I could do so don’t get mad at me now! Who knows how many days he’s spent there starving! And he’s all delusional and I’m crying again. I can’t stop. Look at that beautiful face of his. Look at those cheekbones, not so beautiful anymore. Sink in his face they are as deep hollows carved by a sinister artist. I have to take him downstairs. There must be a bed somewhere. I doubt Harmony had ever slept on this horrible stone. Blood will work in a few minutes. After all, I’m the Holly Grail with legs. More than a Happy Meal, that’s for sure. I’d have sworn he was heavier. Lay down now and let me fetch some water and a cloth. A cloth to clean that dappled body of yours. Off with these stinking clothes and… you should see him naked…Bitchbot! Damn right you were! Oh, those feet! I never liked feet before… Hipbones watching over the entrance to Heaven… Use the cloth and open the golden gates… First his face. His eyes where I reflect myself better than in the finer mirror. His nose that wrinkles in that funny way when he’s ready to discard something. His lips, so wise, so full, so cold and so hot at the same time. His neck. I wonder what he would do if I bite him… His shoulders, so round and hard. Have taken the burden of more than one hundred years and they aren’t bent. Arms to hug me and never let me go. He would neither let me go nor ever leave me… Sturdy chest, the best of the pillows for me to drown in, to lean my head and forget the world, to sleep oblivious to all the dangerous things flying around ‘cause I know they won’t hurt me if I clutch to it… Supportive, strong enough to imbue extra strength in my heart. Taut stomach and the tip of my tongue travelling on it, tasting the water and his marbled skin, sinking in his belly button, lapping his ribs one by one and he tastes like the sea, salty and fresh and free. I’m free to go everywhere I want in this raft, in this wave, in this overwhelming ocean lit by the moon…


I’m a log in this colossal bonfire. Or I’m finally burning in Hell. Are you allowed to have breathtaking dreams in Hell? This Slayer’s blood flavour tinkling in my mouth, on my lips, running through my veins like boiling streams of magma… My entire body is made of molten rocks and gusts of savage wind are leaving thousands of welts on my ribs… The red dragon is breathing on my chest now, is wreathing my skin in blazing kisses. I’m a ship wafting over shaking waters, staring at the sunset. She is the sun and she is here. If this is hell I never want to leave!


In the dark I’m bolder… Maybe I should put out the candles… Are you mad? And waste this magnificent view display in front of your very eyes? Only for me, only me. And him, unconscious or not… The only chance you had with me… So full of bumps and crevices to lose myself in! I’m dancing among flames and the leather is so tight! Oh, that’s so much better! Electrifying skin. Mine against his and please, don’t open your eyes yet! A forbidden fruit. I’ll devour it till its last crumb. First one nipple and maybe the other one later when that hole is finally shut. Up to his neck, dominant as a Roman column and I’m biting it, I’m nibbling and I feel so powerful! Along the curves of his sinuous nacre arms till I reach his long fingers and I taste each one of them. The tip first, with only my teeth and then sucking at it as an aperitif. Which reminds me… Let’s go down the road.


Should I move? Will I ever move again? If I open my eyes and she disappears in the thin air I’d die again. My heart is a bell singing aloud. No, my heart doesn’t beat so… It’s the fury of my blood screaming in this wild forest of shining shadows. Still a bloody poet and yet not that awful after all. She’s my muse. Oh, yes, love! Taste me, devour me, touch me and hold to me till the world collapses! Sizzling mouth on my… Yeah! No, no, no! I’ll be finished without even starting! Come here. I’ll teach you good manners, lady.


Shit! Just when I was beginning to enjoy it! Liar! Those incredible eyes of his staring at me while his big strong hands pin mine to the mattress… His lips are made of kisses and my heart is a storm. He’s licking my breasts so slowly… as if they were a tasty juicy ripe fruit. I should raise a red flag now. Danger, danger! I’m going to explode! Slide inside of me now, before I drift away. Be my anchor. I’m spiralling in the eye of a hurricane. Faster, faster and… Oh, you were so right!


Have you ever stolen a moment, a tiny blessing night from fate? If you have, garner it up and never let it go. It’ll lend you a hand when walking among the shadows. In the darkness it will lit your heart enough for you to find your path among thorns and claws. It will ease the bitterness of everyday duties and will give a solace, a lot in which the sun will shine only for you. It will help you to jump to your own death ‘cause you’ll know they will always cherish you. He will always cherish you and he will light the candles on the worshiping shrine and black tears will water your grave. And you won’t be dead. Memories will keep you alive. By my soul, pouring from the sky, his flesh will be redeemed.

FINIS

Translation: “If ever you have not, at the hour when everything slumbers, while she sleeps, forgetful and vermilion, cried like a child by strength of suffering, cried out her name a hundred times, from evening to dawn, and believed she’d come by calling her again, and cursed your mother, and wished to die…”