Chapter Nine

Willow had everything set up. They’d rearranged the living room so that Spike was sitting opposite Buffy, with Angel sitting next to her. Angel had that angry look on his face and Willow was certain he was going to put a damper on the spell. He’d insisted that Buffy was not to go into Spike’s mind alone. He would be there at all times. Willow instructed them that they must keep “contact” at all times or one of them could be pulled out without the other. Angel had pulled Willow aside and made her promise that if he signaled she would pull them out.

They mediated for almost an hour before anything happened. But Buffy and Angel now found themselves in a dark void.

“I always knew Spike didn’t have a brain in his head,” Angel quipped.

Buffy gave him a withering glare. “We have to find him.”

As suddenly as they found themselves in the void, a room full of people appeared. Men, women, and children, hundreds of them, all looking decidedly dead to Buffy. Some mangled, some simply bleeding from their necks or arms, all of them staring at Buffy.

Angel pulled on her hand, guiding her through the masses as the people continued to stare at her. They walked on for what seemed like days. Suddenly everyone started shouting at her. High pitched, horrible, agonized screams that burned in Buffy’s head like a hot poker. Buffy tried to cover her ears, but Angel held firm to one of her hands and continued pulling her. Buffy wondered how many people were inside Spike’s head, and how he could remember each one.

Then they were in an alley. Buffy recognized it as the one by the Bronze. And there was Spike. Buffy started to run to him, but Angel held her away. Buffy saw herself standing in the alley. She remembered this scene. It was the first time she met Spike.

“What happens Saturday?” Her other self asked him.

“That’s when I kill you,” Spike answered with a smile.

Now they were in the old high school. Spike was taunting her to come out. That he would make it quick. Buffy could have sworn she saw Spike looking at her and his face seemed to regard her a moment. Then he was gone. They seemed to be going through every time Spike ever tried to kill her. As fast as the scenes appeared, they disappeared with dizzying confusion. Angel’s grip seemed to be getting tighter and tighter each memory they came to.

Now they were standing on Glory’s tower. Dawn was directly in front of them and they were all looking at Spike. He was being held by the strange little man who’d cut Dawn. The little man drove the knife into Spike’s back and as Spikes voiced his fear that he had failed, the man threw them him off the tower.

“Spike!” Buffy had yelled and started to lunge, but suddenly they were on the ground. Spike was rousing and turned to look up and started shouting, “BUFFY!” Buffy followed his eyes to see herself falling into the portal. She watched with sick fascination as she watched her other self convulse and finally cease moving. As her lifeless body fell to the ground she felt Angel stepping backward. Buffy looked at him and saw the tears streaming down his face. His eyes closed, as he could no longer watch the nightmare Spike was reliving.

Buffy glanced around to see Giles; Willow holding up Tara; Xander carrying Anya; and Dawn coming down the stairs, all crying and staring at her broken body on the ground. Then she saw Spike. He was weeping into his hands.

“Oh god,” Buffy whispered to no one, watching the weeping vampire in front of her. “I didn’t… wouldn’t… believe back then, but it was true. He did love me.”

Buffy had blocked out the next scene from her mind, so it almost shocked her when it came. The bathroom, they were in the hall bathroom. She watched as that fated night played out again. She heard an angry growl from Angel and she felt him step forward, but Buffy held firm to his hand. He turned and stared at her in disbelief. His eyes went wide with realization at Buffy’s soft expression.

“You forgave him? You want him back after he...” Angel couldn’t even bring himself to say the word.

“Angel, *you* of all people can ask me how I forgave him?” Buffy softly chided.

Angel looked up into the endless darkness above them for several moments. “Point taken,” He mumbled. “But I can’t watch this,” he added turning to gaze behind Buffy. She saw the pain in his face and started to say something but the scene changed again.

Now they were in her bedroom and Buffy blushed at the sight before her as Angel quickly hissed in a breath and glanced away. It was her and Spike. Their bodies moved together in ancient rhythm, their mouths tenderly mimicking the movements of their bodies. It must be from her birthday. It was the only time they had been in her bedroom. But the tender scene in front of her didn’t make sense. It didn’t fit with the other things she’d seen in Spike’s mind.

“I don’t understand, why this?” Buffy asked aloud.

“In his mind, this is when he killed you,” Angel said, looking into Buffy’s eyes. His other hand came up to gently sweep across her abdomen. Buffy immediately understood. And then they were back in the room filled with people screaming. Buffy waited patiently as the scenes all flew past her again and again. Buffy started trying to talk to Spike each time she saw him in the scenes, but he never responded.

Finally Angel said, “This isn’t going to work Buffy. We need to go. The longer we stay here, the harder it will be to get out.”

“No,” Buffy answered firmly. “I’m not giving up on him.” She looked up at the darkness above them. “Spike! Spike I know you can hear me. Damn it face me. If you killed me then come face me you spineless, peroxided, coward!” Buffy shouted.

Suddenly they were back in the dark void. Buffy and Angel stood there for a few moments and then Spike was there in front of them.

“I’m sorry Slayer,” Spike quietly spoke. “All I wanted was to love you. Of course, all I ever did was hurt you. I know you can’t forgive me, not that it matters now, but I am sorry,” His voice trailed off as he turned around and started to walk away.

“Spike, don’t. You didn’t kill me. Spike I’m alive,” Buffy pleaded that he would hear her and turn around.

He stopped. After a moment he turned around and looked hard at Buffy. Then he looked at Angel with a puzzled expression. He hadn’t seemed to notice him before. After a long time of staring down, he looked back up at Buffy and gave her his sad little smile.

“You shouldn’t have come here, Pet.” He looked over at Angel. “Take her back. Take care of her. All I can do is hurt her,” He said.

Angel stared at Spike and then gave a slight nod. But Buffy saw it.

“No! I’m not going unless you come with me!” Buffy pleaded with Spike.

“Angel, get her out of here. Now!” Spike bit out. And Buffy felt Angel begin to pull her hand and step backward.

Buffy turned and faced Angel. “Wait,” She said. She reached her free hand up and stroked Angel’s face.

“A part of me will always love you,” Buffy smiled at Angel. “I’m sorry,” Buffy said, and then she let go of his hand.

Angel sank back into the couch for a second as he realized what had happened.

“Send me back in!” Angel pleaded with Willow.

Willow sat there in shock. Buffy had let go. She stared at Angel and shook her head. “I can’t.” Tears were clouding her eyes. “If I interrupt the link to put you back in, she could be lost forever.”

**************

“Do you know what you just did?” Spike seethed. He was staring at her, incredulous that she had let go. “He was your best way out of here.”

Buffy walked up to Spike and looked in his eyes. She smiled.

“I don’t want to leave. I want to be with you,” She said.

Spike just stared at her in shock for a minute. “You don’t want to be in here with me Pet. You haven’t even seen most of this place. Not a pretty picture, luv. I don’t want you lost in here with me,” Spike said reaching up and cupping her cheek with his hand.

“Then come back with me. You promised me once you wouldn’t leave me. Well, I won’t leave you either.” Buffy returned his gesture and cupped his cheek. “I belong with you. So, the only way I am getting out of this place...is if you come with me.”

“Buffy...” Spike started to protest.

“No. Before, I was stupid and… well, stupid. I know now what I want. What I need. I will be with you, forever, where ever you are. If you stay in here, then so will I. I won’t go Spike,” Buffy said firmly. “I love you.”

To say that Spike looked shocked by her admission would be an understatement. For long moments he simply stared at her, and she held his gaze, unwavering. Until finally she saw a measure of acceptance in his eyes.

“Forever’s a long time, Pet,” Spike said as tears began to fill his eyes.

“Then I’m glad I’ll be with you,” Buffy smiled and felt her own tears coming.

Spike leaned his head into her hand and stared at her with every bit of love he had for her in his undead heart. She loved him. She. Loved. Him. He let his hand slide down to hers and took it in his own.

“Let’s get you back,” He said as he led her through the darkness. Suddenly Spike found they were in a park. It was day. Everything was so bright and colorful. They were standing there in the sun. Spike saw two small children running through the park, laughing and shouting. A little dark haired girl and a little boy with much lighter hair.

“I don’t understand,” Spike said looking around. He didn’t remember any of this. This wasn’t part of his world.

“It will be,” Buffy said, guessing his thoughts. “I wanted to show you. That’s them Spike,” Buffy beamed. “That’s our children. I wanted you to see them,” Spike stared at the children and didn’t even try to stop the tears falling down his face.

“I will, love,” He said as he leaned down and gently brushed Buffy’s lips with his own as a bright flash of white filled the world around them.

****************

Buffy looked around to find herself back in her living room. Angel was sitting next to her with his head in his hands. Willow was watching her and nodded her head towards Spike. Buffy quickly looked at Spike. He was staring at her, that same look of love she had seen moments before on his face. Buffy launched herself off the couch as best she could, and into his arms.

She spared a quick glance to Angel and saw his head come up and the marks of his own tears there on his face. She quietly mouthed a thank you to him before he got up and left the room.

As Angel leaned on the counter, he swore he could feel his heart breaking again. But he would do this for Buffy. He reminded himself that the oracle had said she would need his love. He quickly swiped at his face to dry it, and then he pulled open the refrigerator and grabbed a blood bag. He heated a cup of water in the microwave and then the blood as the tea infused in the cup. He carried both cups into the living room. The sight that greeted him froze him to his spot for a moment.

Buffy was still on Spikes lap and both were fast asleep. Their arms protectively curled around each other. Angel quietly set down the mugs and carefully untwined the sleeping lover's arms. He gingerly picked up Buffy and set her back on the couch and covered her. She snuggled a bit into the blanket as he did so. He turned back to Spike and shook him lightly. Spike's eyes opened to see Angel with his finger held to his lips. Spike glanced at the sleeping Buffy and nodded that he understood. Angel handed him a mug of blood. Spike looked at it and realized it had been over 5 weeks since he had fed last. He spared a quick glance back at Buffy then tipped up the mug and emptied it.