Dawn had known instinctively that Buffy needed to be left alone. She had put fresh linens on the bed and the suitcase in the corner while Buffy was washing her face, then she held out a cup of tea and watched as her sister took it and retreated behind the bedroom door. The sobbing had kept her awake until after four that morning and Dawn staggered into the kitchen after noon to attempt a cup of coffee through bleary eyes. Whatever had happened, it didn’t look good. Spike had not come, had not called at all. Dawn had called Angel, who stressed that Buffy couldn’t go out alone. She had asked him what happened, but he wouldn’t say.

She poured herself a steaming cup, black with two sugars, then made Buffy a cup. She loaded it with sugar and cream and gently knocked on the bedroom door. “Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

Opening the door, she was shocked to see that Buffy was still wearing the clothing she had arrived in and her eyes were almost swollen shut from the amount of tears she had shed. The Slayer was sitting on the edge of the bed and Dawn wondered if she had sat like that all night. “I’d ask how you are, but I don’t need to.”

Buffy shook her head when Dawn held out the coffee. “I don’t want it.”

“Come on, you need to get something on your stomach.”

Bursting into fresh tears, Buffy buried her face in her hands. Her entire body ached, her ribs, her back, and most of all, her heart. The mere thought of sleeping somewhere other than their bed was intolerable to her so she hadn’t slept at all, hadn’t rested, had done nothing but cry and feel sorry for herself. She felt so betrayed, but after just one night away from him, she seriously doubted that listening to her wounded pride had been the right thing to do. It hurt all the way to her soul and she grieved for what she had given up, feeling sick with it.

Dawn sat next to her, putting her arm around her. “You wanna talk about it?”

“I think it’s really over.”

“Don’t think, Buffy. You haven’t even slept at all. You’re exhausted and you’re still too upset about whatever happened. Give it a while longer and then you call him or go see him, whatever you want to do.”

“I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with me.”

“Please! This is karma’s way of paying me back for all the puberty you had to watch me go through.”

Buffy smiled a little, then started crying again. “I miss him.”

“Then do something about it.”

“It can’t be fixed.”

“What did he do?”

“I can’t -”

“Fair enough. But I’m here if you need me. Oh! Except that I’m not really going to be here in about an hour unless you want me to be. Colin asked me to go horseback riding and I’ll cancel it if-”

“Don’t cancel. Go and have fun.”

Dawn kissed her on the forehead as the cellphone rang. She glanced at it, then showed it to Buffy, who shook her head. Dawn sighed and answered, “Hey, Spike.”

“Is she still there?”

“Yeah.”

“Is she okay?”

“Not even close.”

“Put her on the phone.”

Dawn held the phone out, but Buffy wouldn’t take it. She brought it back to her ear and said, “She won’t.”

“Bloody hell. That is it!” Spike growled, cutting the connection.

Two seconds later there was a pounding on the door and he shouted, “Buffy!”

“Don’t let him in,” Buffy told Dawn. “He’ll get tired and go away.”

“That’s Spike you’re talking about. He’ll either knock it down or set fire to it.”

“Open the door!” Spike shouted. “Now!”

Buffy stalked down the hall and out onto the balcony, bathing herself in sunlight and turning her back to the entrance. She didn’t want him to see her this way, swollen and puffy and tear stained. She would have preferred him to see her laughing and NOT CARING that her heart was broken into a trillion pieces. This would just add insult to injury. She heard Dawn open the door and could hear Spike banging through the house, checking all the rooms.

He didn’t have to speak to her for her to know that he was behind her a second later, standing just outside the reach of sunlight in the shadows of the doorway. Inching a little further into the corner, she refused to turn and look at him. She could feel his eyes on her and she took a deep breath, trying to steady her nerves.

“The sun *will* set, love.”

Buffy glanced down at the street below her. There’s was no way she could jump, no handy escape ladder that would appear if she tugged an enchanted cord. She had gotten a very fleeting upper hand by using the first thing she could think of to keep the devil at bay. “Please leave me alone.”

“No.” Spike could tell from her voice that she had been crying and he felt worse than he would have thought possible considering that the previous night felt like an all time low. “I’m sorry I hit you.”

“It’s not the first time.”

“But it was the last.”

“That’s not why I left.”

“I know. But I’m still sorry it happened.”

It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him that she had hit him first and that it hadn’t *really* hurt, but she kept quiet. It was too painful at this point to even contemplate the night before. What she wanted was to turn around and walk straight into the arms that he would undoubtedly open for her, but she couldn’t. All night long she had replayed the conversation in Angel’s office in her head. They thought she wasn’t good enough and neither of them could justify their reasons why.

Giles had warned her about accepting a job at Wolfram and Hart, reminding her that it was an entirely different playing field and one that she had never practiced on before. From behind her rose colored glasses, Buffy had assured him that she’d be fine, that Spike would help her, but Spike had stepped out of the equation from the beginning, watching as she worked herself into a stupor and he hadn’t said a word to her to suggest that it wasn’t what was expected. If no one corrected her, then how could she be held accountable for her actions?

He stared out at her, aching to find the right words. “I can’t stand this. It’s only been one night. I can’t go two, Buffy.” When she didn’t reply, he went on. “I’ve never been a wordsmith. I used to think I was. Just like I used to think that no one in this world could love better than me. I spent years with Dru, taking care of her, catering to her needs, being her whipping boy, her lover, she was my life, and I thought that was what love was, but you showed me that I was wrong. Dru and I, we could have gone on for a million years, and a million more after that.”

“I don’t want to hear about Dru!”

“I’m getting to the point. Forever for me and Dru was forever, infinity and beyond. For you and me, forever ends when your heart stops. I’ll still love you and want you after you’re gone, but I won’t have you and nothing will get that back. I think of that every single time I look at you lately. Is today it? Is it tomorrow? Losing Miles the way we did made me realize that you’re only human. I love you for that, despite that, because of that ... I don’t know. I do know that one day you’re gonna leave me and never come back. Please don’t waste our time.”

She could feel the resolve she had been adamantly clinging to beginning to crumble, but the wound was still too fresh to let her succumb to the voice in her head that was begging her to go to him. “I need you to leave.”

“I can’t.” Cursing the sun that kept him from going to her, Spike sat down and leaned his head back against the doorjamb, chuckling a little. “You’re punishing me pretty good. This is torture. You do know that, right?”

She snorted. “Torture is having the man you love do the exact same thing to you that he knew your friends did to you, especially when the man you love saw what that did to you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Sunnydale!” She spun around and glared at him, not caring that she was a mess and making it worse by crying all over again. “They all told me that I wasn’t a good enough leader! They made me give Faith the reigns and brushed me off! You don’t seem to want to remember how fucking pissed you were at all of them! You and Angel did the same thing yesterday. *That* is what I’m talking about!”

Spike slowly got back to his feet, realizing for the first time since the whole thing happened where she was coming from. She had talked to him for hours about the pain that she’d gone through after Sunnydale, the feeling of loss and abandonment, the feeling that she was no longer necessary, no longer a vital part of the Scoobies. It hit him then, complete understanding. She had gone overboard because she felt like she had to prove herself, prove her worth. She was still running from the reminders of what her friends had done to her, no matter how much she thought she had moved on. “I didn’t think-”

Her throat screamed in pain as she sobbed out her response. “Do you have any idea what it’s like for me to know that *you* of all people don’t have faith in me? The reason I believe in myself is because you once told me that I was ‘the one” and every single time I face a demon I hear that in my head. I am human. I’m not immortal like Dru so I can’t give you a million lifetimes, but I wanted to give you this one. You ruined that!”

Forgetting himself, he stepped out onto the balcony, reaching for her. He didn’t even feel his flesh catch fire until she lunged forward, pushing him back into the house and slamming the door behind her. Ignoring the smoke that billowed from him, he pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. “Buffy, please. Come home.”

“You really hurt me. Worse than anyone has before,” she mumbled against his shoulder. Seeing him engulfed in flames had been a cruel reminder of losing him in Sunnydale. Her heart couldn’t take it, wouldn’t let her pull away from him. Hugging him, she whispered, “Don’t do it again.”

Dawn watched from the kitchen, peeking around the corner with a smile on her face. She held Buffy’s suitcase out to Spike as he led her sister towards the door, giving him a thumbs up as he took it.

*~*

“Feefee!”

Buffy drew up short in the hallway as a little bundle of arms, legs, and floppy curly hair came charging toward her. She bent down in time to grab the child as he flung himself at her, hugging her tight and planting a wet kiss on her cheek. Smiling, she held him at arms length and looked at him. Without the blood and gore he was a handsome little boy. His hair was light brown, streaked with blond and he had the biggest, greenest eyes that she had ever seen. His smile was playful, full of mischief and he had dimples on his cheeks to match the one on his chin. “Hey, Jameson.”

As he looked at her, his smile faded and he touched his little hand to her face. “Why you cry?”

Buffy recalled how swollen and splotchy her face had been when she had seen it earlier in the mirror. She gave him a small smile and said, “I was sad, but I’m okay now.”

The boy glanced up at Spike and the smile reappeared. “Hi.”

“Hello.” Kneeling next to Buffy, Spike held out his hand and the little boy shook it. “I’m Spike.”

“Spike,” Jameson repeated. “I hiding from mommy. Shhh.”

“Where is your mom?” Buffy asked him, taking his hand in hers as she stood.

Pointing down the hallway, Jameson stifled a giggle with his hand when someone called his name. He was practically hopping up and down with glee when Melissa came around the corner and put her hands on her hips. Sqealing with laughter, he let go of Buffy’s hand and ran down the corridor, peeking back around the corner. “That child will be the death of me,” Melissa snapped, but she smiled when she said it. “Hey, Buffy.”

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

“That guy Angel came and told us that we may have been marked by whatever group orchestrated the bombing at the airport and said we should come here for protection.” Melissa shook her head. “It’s all too weird for words.”

“Do you make it a habit of going places with complete strangers?” Spike inquired, studying the girl closely. She was attractive, but plain and she had a far off look in her eye that he didn’t like at all. And she should have been keeping better watch on her son.

Melissa didn’t appear offended. She was busy perusing Buffy. “He sounded sincere enough and said that Buffy was here and incidentally, Buffy, are you okay?”

“Rough day?” Buffy shrugged a little. “This is my boyfriend Spike.”

Melissa shook his hand, then sighed when Jameson called out that she better find him soon. She made apologies for rushing off, then darted around the corner. The little boy shrieked, clearly not expecting her, and his footfalls were loud as he ran from his mother. Spike stared behind them, listening until their voices faded. “She’s got her hands full, that one.”

“I wonder how Angel convinced her to come here so easily?” Buffy moved out of the way so Spike could unlock the door of their apartment.

“He probably pulled the ‘tall, dark, and pathetic’ routine.” He moved aside, nodding for her to enter ahead of him. “Or he could have used this powder that Fred’s lab cooks up that makes people do what we say.”

Buffy felt odd coming back home, like she had been gone longer than one night. She noticed a couple of garbage bags in the hallway and could tell that the pieces of the broken lamp and some of the debris from the computer desk were inside. The look on Spike’s face when she hit him flashed through her head and she turned, glancing back at him. He paused, suitcase in hand and tilted his head to one side, questioning. “I’m sorry I hit you, too” she told him.

“Watching you leave hurt worse.” He closed the distance between them and set her suitcase down. He was unsure of how she would receive him, but he lowered his head, kissing her softly on the mouth. “I love you.”

Wrapping her arms around him, she closed her eyes. “I love you, too.”

“Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday?”

“We need to, but I’m just too tired.” To prove her point, she yawned. “I didn’t sleep at all last night.”

“Come on.” He took her hand and lifted her suitcase again, leading her into the bedroom.

Buffy could feel the welts on his skin and glanced down, gasping. He had a nasty looking burn on the back of his hand and arm. While his cheek had done a good bit of sizzling in the sun, his arm had actually torched. “My god! Your hand.”

“It’ll go away as soon as I eat. You know that.”

“Then eat something.”

“I’ll have to get someone to bring up some blood from the supply. I don’t have any.”

Buffy chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. “If you took a little of mine then-”

“Not. Happening.”

“My blood would heal you faster.”

“It doesn’t hurt. It can wait.” He set her suitcase down in the floor next to the closet. “You want to take a shower or do you want to go straight to bed?”

“You wouldn’t have to bite me on the neck. No one would see it.”

“No, love.”

“I could cut myself and bleed into a cup.”

“If you cut yourself then you won’t just bleed from the cut. I’ll kick your ass.”

“You got burned because of me.”

Spike pulled her over to the bed and forced her to sit down. “This is the problem I have with you. You blame yourself for everything and then you try too hard to fix it. If you really want to make it up to me then promise me five days.”

She looked confused. “Huh?”

“The En Kindle only has six days to kill you and then their time is up. They can’t attack you again. Yesterday was day one. Give me five more, baby. They can’t get to you here.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’ll give you five days of me sitting on my ass doing nothing.”

He looked skeptical. “That was too easy.”

“I didn’t say you’d enjoy my company. You’ll suffer.”

“Still too easy.”

“It’s not like I have anything else to do. Like a job.”

“Angel put you on a temporary leave. You have a job, love.”

“I don’t want it.”

Spike sighed a little. He wanted to push the point with her, but he also knew better. “Later, then.”

Buffy was still angry, still too raw in her feelings to press the issue so she nodded. “We’ll have to buy a new lamp,” she said absently, glancing at the empty night stand.

“We’ll get a couple. I never liked these anyway.”

She looked back at him, where he was kneeling next to her and cupped his cheek. His lip still had a little cut on it, from her fist, and he looked even paler, more exhausted than she felt. Her heart skipped a couple of beats when he touched her hand, bringing it around and kissing it. She loved him. But sometimes that wasn’t enough. “Are we going to be okay?”

“I’ll make damn sure of it.”

“I don’t just mean with the En Kindle or with Wolfram and Hart, I mean with us. You and me. Can we do this? Because I don’t know if we can do this anymore and I don’t know if we can get back to how we used to be.”

“Things are bad right now, but I can count up a million times that they’ve been worse and probably predict a million more, but we’re in this together. Don’t ever doubt that we’ll fix what’s broken, whether it’s a lamp or your arm or us. We’ll fix it because we can and we’ll fix it because neither one of us can leave it. We may not be how we used to be, but why would we want to be? Everyday we’re closer, better, and understand each other more. I don’t want to go backwards when I have countless new things to see and do with you. Don’t look behind you, Buffy, look ahead.”

“I don’t deserve you. You’re going to realize that sooner or later.”

“You do deserve it. I’m a thorn in your side, I irritate the hell out of you, and I force you to rethink everything. Yes, you deserve every last bit of me and more.” He smiled at her. “Paybacks are a bitch.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Don’t.” He pushed her hair behind her ear and trailed his thumb down the side of her face. Kissing her again, he stood and pulled her with him, easing back the cover on the bed. Without a word, he lifted her shirt over her head and eased her pants down, leaving her in her panties. He would have loved to take her right then, to show her that she deserved the world and more, instead, he nodded at the bed and said, “You need some sleep.”

“Stay with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

A few seconds later she was curled against his chest, feeling relaxed and comfortable.

They both slept for hours.

*~*