Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

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A/N: Thanks to Amarysso for betaing.

CHAPTER 19 – If I Pass On

… Fall 1999


Buffy was fumbling with her keys trying to find the right one to open the front door. There were too many things on her mind and she knew she needed to get inside her house real quick before the tears that she’d been wanting to shed burst forth from her. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know exactly how to feel at the moment. Somehow she found the right key and turned the door handle quickly, rushing into the house and up the stairs to the safety of her room. She felt really small and helpless. Her Mom was in the hospital and the prognosis didn’t look good. They found a tumor in her brain. The doctors tried to assure both of them that it was most probably benign and that surgery would take care of it, but Buffy had her doubts. There was just something inside her that was telling her this wasn’t going to end well.

Buffy knew how to fight demons and slay vampires. In the past year alone she had wrestled against a werewolf, fought a mummy, gone against some angry conjured spirits and pretty much fought back against every single nasty that had any plans of taking over, using or opening the Hellmouth. She could do all that but she didn’t know what to do about one small tumor that was causing her own Mother so much pain.

Joyce Summers was putting up a brave front for her daughter and even urged Buffy to go home for a few hours to rest. But she didn’t want sleep. She wanted the tumor to go away. She wanted her Mother to no longer hurt. She wanted the possibility of maybe her mother dying to disappear.

In the comfort of her own room, nestled between a pillow and her stuffed pig Mr. Gordo, her tears started to fall and they kept on flowing until she felt that familiar touch on her shoulder. She turned to see Spike, his hair a tangled mess of curls, his eyes tired from lack of sleep. Nothing needed to be said between them. He shed his still smoking leather duster, ignoring the pain he felt when leather brushed against his burnt left hand. He pulled his boots off and climbed onto the bed beside her, wrapping his arms protectively around her.

Buffy let out a sigh and leaned her head against his shoulder. She let the faint smell of cigarette smoke and whiskey wrap around her just as surely as his strong arms were holding her tight. She closed her eyes and relaxed trying to let all the worry and tension of the day melt away. Spike always had that effect on her and she knew this was better than any nap.

“I’ll be here pet, go ahead and rest.” He cooed in her ear.

“No, I want to feel you against me.” She said absently running her fingers up and down his forearm.

Spike winced when she accidentally brushed against his burnt hand.

“I’m sorry Spike. I didn’t mean to call you. I should have shielded … “

“Shhh ... none of that luv. You needed me and I came as fast as I could.”

“But you could have dusted.”

“I’m more careful than that.”

“But your hand …”

“It’s nothing. Just a little burn. My hand will heal.”

“I wish it was just as easy for Mom. I don’t want to lose her Spike. I don’t know what I’d do if she … “

“I know pet. I know what you’re going through.. I wish I had the power to make everything better”

“I can fight everything else. I was chosen to fight everything else that people don’t even know exist but the one person I owe almost everything to I can’t do anything about.”

“Are they sure it’s going to be bad?”

“They said I shouldn’t worry but I don’t know Spike. There’s just something telling me that I should be ready for something much worse. I don’t want to lose her. I can’t lose her.”

Tears were streaming down her cheeks once more and Spike held her a little bit tighter. “I know luv.”

“How?”

Spike closed his eyes. “I’ve seen family and slayers move on. Some I guess felt like they left me, the others I felt like it was my fault. I’m not going to tell you that everything’s going to be okay. I’m not going to sugar coat it. It hurts. It will hurt but I’m here. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”



**

… a month or so later …

Spike woke up alone and though the smell of Slayer on the sheets and pillows surrounded him, it wasn’t comforting because he knew his mate was sad. It had been almost a week now since the funeral. Mrs. Summers died due to complications in surgery. Buffy hadn’t been the same since her mother’s death. Merrick and Caden stepped in, helping out with all the necessary arrangements giving Buffy time to properly grieve. Though she didn’t seem to need it. After the funeral she plastered on her sunshine smile and went about like nothing was wrong. Spike knew better but she had closed her emotions to him and he was giving her room by not prying. But she was tight-lipped about the whole thing. She wouldn’t bring up anything about her mother, acting as if she didn’t exist or as if she most probably was out on of her art buying trips. Spike knew it wasn’t healthy and he needed to talk to her, but his girl was smart. It was still a few hours away from sunset and Spike couldn’t track her down.

He waited patiently for her, though somewhat agitated that they weren’t together. Spike had temporarily moved in ever since the doctors decided that surgery was the best option for Mrs. Summers’ condition. Now though, Angel had decided that it would be best if at least two of them stayed at the house to look after Buffy all the time. Spike wasn’t sure if his Sire’s intentions were just to make sure he wasn’t alone with his mate or if it was just genui9ne concern for the Slayer’s safety. Now though he was thankful that at least Niko was here. The dark haired vampire was trying to ease his worries

“Spike will you sit down. She’ll be fine. It’s just about two more hours.”

“But … “

“You know she’s not helpless. She just needs time.”

Spike just nodded.

Both vampires couldn’t wait for the two hours to be up. Once he knew he could risk it Spike was out the door to look for Buffy. Niko was happy to see his friend go so that he could finally get some much needed sleep that Spike interrupted with his temporary brooding.

Spike went around town looking for Buffy but didn’t find her in her usual stomping grounds. As the sky finally darkened and stars started appearing he remembered the one spot Buffy always went to after patrol. It was sort of a cliff and had a great view of Sunnydale. He hurried to her special spot and sure enough Buffy was there, sitting against a large tree looking at the scenery below her.

“I thought I’d find you here.” He said moving closer towards her.

She wiped her cheeks trying to remove any evidence of her tears. She took a deep breath to calm herself before speaking. “How did you know about this place or did you track me down using the claim?”

“I didn’t want to use the claim. I didn’t want to intrude but I’ve known about this place for some time now.”

“How? What, you’d follow me after patrol?”

When Spike didn’t answer Buffy’s eyes grew bigger. “Ewww… stalker much.”

“Hey! I think protective would be a better word,” he said taking a seat beside her. He turned his head and studies her closely. He could smell the salt of her tears and the blood that came from her lower lip which he knew she bit when she was worried or deep in thought. He urged her a bit forward then moved his body to take a seat behind her. His legs were on either side of her hips. He leaned against the tree and wrapped his hands around her waist, gently pulling her with him so that she her head rested his shoulder.

“Spike?”

“Yes luv?”

“I was powerless to save her. I’m the Chosen One and I can’t save the one person that loved me and gave me life. I haven’t exactly been the best daughter either. Do you think she knew I loved her?”

“She did pet. Mother’s know those things. And you were with her. You were by her side when she needed you. I’m sure that meant a lot to her.”

Buffy could hear the sadness in her mate’s voice. “What happened to your mother?”

“I… I wasn’t there for my Mum in the end. I watched her strength wane and no magic nor medicine could cure her. Once I even thought about turning her. She was a beautiful woman and I adored her. She ..,” he let out a sigh. “This woman that had cared for me since I was a babe didn’t deserve to die weak.. She deserved life and on more than one occasion I really wanted to turn her. I wanted to give her that feeling of freedom, that sense of power. I wanted to give her a day where she didn’t have to worry about illness.”

“I can understand that. I wouldn’t blame you for thinking about it.”

“But I was being selfish. I didn’t really think things through. Caden talked me out of it. He told me that I wouldn’t be giving her life in that sense. I wouldn’t be giving her something that she might not want. So I watched her spirit break and her body consumed with sickness. In the end, when she needed me, I wasn’t there. I didn’t return in time to be with her as she passed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Long time ago, pet.”

Buffy nodded and snuggled closer against him. Nothing else really needed to be said at the moment. They both found comfort in just being close to each other.

“Spike, … itt’s beautiful here. I always thought it was beautiful here.”

“I know luv. I can see why you’d choose this spot.”

“It made me feel good when I look down there. It seems so peaceful and beautiful and I had a hand in that. Somehow I had something to do with how pretty it is down there.”

“You have a lot to do with it, pet. I don’t think either of us or anyone would want to find out what this place would be like if the Hellmouth opened or if an apocalypse did happen. You do that each night Buffy. You’re the reason people can sleep well at night and why children don’t have nightmares.”

“I hate them.” She said bluntly.

Spike tilted his head to get a better look at her face and it was hard, etched with anger and obvious hatred.

“I hate them because they go about their lives without a care in the world. They go about complaining how life is so hard but they never realize that they’re the lucky ones. They go around blind to everything else in the world except their own petty problems. How many apocalypses have we averted Spike? How many have you helped quell? And still the world fights over stupid shit.”

“We all have a role to play in the world, Buffy.”

“Then why me? Why does it have to be me? Why did it have to be my mother that has to pass away? Is this my reward for helping the world? This shit? This fucking life which when you look at it means nothing in the end? I have nothing Spike -- no dreams to live for, no family to love.”

“You have me,” he replied sadly.

“I didn’t mean it that way Spike. But in the end wouldn’t I just end up causing you pain? I sneaked a peek into Merrick’s journal and I saw something that bothered me.”

“Wot?”

“Something I didn’t even consider before but… what would you do if I finally fulfill my destiny.”

“Destiny? Wot are you talking about?” In reality, Spike had an idea where this was going and he didn’t like her line of thinking at the moment.

“When I pass on, what would happen to you? What would the claim make you do? You were angsty earlier because I wasn’t there. I can only imagine … ”

Spike shook his head. “Do we have to think about something like this now?”

“I’m curious. Indulge me.”

“Truth? I don’t think I’ll be able to exist without you. I would want to be where you were.”

“Spike … don’t. When the time comes I wouldn’t want you sad. I wouldn’t want you to follow me. I want you happy just like you want to see me happy. And there will be another Spike. Someone will love you just as much.”

“Don’t talk like that Buffy. I don’t want anyone else. I claimed you for a reason. I want you and only you.”

“But I won’t last forever and it would make me sad if I passed away and you cling to my memory and only my memory. You’re all I have now Spike. But if I go, I hope that you’ll be able to find someone that can love you just as much as I love you.”

“I don’t like this talk. Nothing will happen to you Buffy. I promised to love and protect you always.”

Buffy leaned back and snuggled against him. “I miss her so much Spike. I miss her so much it still hurts. Will the pain ever go away?” she said changing the topic for his sake.

“Eventually. The guilt will pass, pet. So will the regret.”









**

Angel sat quietly in the bar area of the Bronze, sipping his drink slowly. Niko came in and walked towards him with a smile.

“Well I got that taken cared of. Feel like hitting the cemeteries next?” he asked Angel.

“We might as well before it gets too late. Caden said he’ll meet up with us at Willy’s in about two hours.”

Niko nodded and made his way towards the exit. Angel looked up at the bartender and placed a few dollars on the countertop to pay for his drink when he turned and out of the corner of his eye he saw someone familiar. It was a pretty brunette talking to two guys at the far end of the bar. Angel shook his head to clear it. Logically he knew it wasn’t who he was thinking it was. That would be impossible since that girl died almost two centuries ago. He knew for a fact that she was dead because he knew exactly who killed her. That thought brought a frown on his face as he slipped out of the Bronze.

The girl looked up feeling that she was being watched for a moment and a devilish grin crossed her lips.