"Down In A Hole"

"Bury Me Softly In This Womb
I Give This Part Of Me For You
Sand Rains Down And Here I Sit
Holding Rare Flowers
In A Tomb.....In Bloom

Down In A Hole And I Don't Know
If I Can Be Saved
See My Heart I Decorate It
Like A Grave
You Don't Understand Who They
Thought I Was Supposed To Be
Look At Me Now A Man
Who Won't Let Himself Be

Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Losin' Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied

Down In A Hole And They've Put All
The Stones In Their Place
I've Eaten The Sun So My Tongue
Has Been Burned Of The Taste
I Have Been Guilty
Of Kicking Myself In The Teeth
I Will Speak No More
Of My Feelings Beneath

Oh I Want To Be Inside Of You

Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Feelin' So Small
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Out Of Control

I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
Alice In Chains ("Down In A Hole" Dirt 1992)

“No! That is impossible! You were in hell! I know it!” Angel growled. His eyes flashed yellow and his demon snarled inside his head. If Buffy hadn’t been standing shell shocked in front of him, Angel would have given Spike the beating that he believed Spike deserved.

Buffy’s hazel eyes filled with tears and her heart dropped to her feet. She knew that pain reflected in Spike’s eyes. She had seen it often enough that first year she had been back. That year Buffy had been emotionally dead inside, seeking shelter with Spike since she could not bare to be around her friends. Buffy had used him rather badly that year just so she could feel something again. Now, Spike was experiencing the same agony and she had let her hurt pride dictate her actions. If she had only listened to her heart then she could be the one helping Spike adjust to life back on earth. From the look in his eyes, Buffy could clearly see that her cruel treatment had finally succeeded in killing any love Spike may have had left for her. Buffy fervently hoped that she could some how make things better and fast. Spike had always forgiven her in the past, so why not now?

“Spike…” Buffy’s voiced cracked. She quickly bit off the rest of her words at the icy looks she was receiving from the group sitting near Spike. Even her own sister was looking at her in complete disgust. Spike simply started straight ahead, a lost look filling his tearful gaze.

“Spike?” Wesley called softly. Kneeling so that he was eye level with the seer, Wesley gently continued his question. “Where exactly were you after you died?”

“Heaven.” Was the softly spoken answer. Tears ran unchecked down pale cheeks as emotional barriers broke. Hiding his face in his hands, Spike simply broke down, crying silent anguished sobs. His shoulders shook and his breathing hitched. No one spoke as most of the crowd was ushered from the office by a silent Lorne. Once the door was closed, only Dawn and Fred remained inside with Spike.

“Man that is harsh.” Gunn said rubbing a hand over his face. Little pieces of information began to fit into place. Looking back it was now glaringly obvious that Spike had been miserable since returning from the dead and Gunn was ashamed to realize that only Fred and Lorne seemed to have noticed. Before Wolfram and Hart, before the lawyer upgrades, Gunn would have recognized the signs of depression right off. Now he had to scramble to think of some way to make things easier on Spike.

Wesley had a pensive look on his face. It seemed that he wasn’t sure how to handle the news they had just been given. He couldn’t believe that he had not noticed. Even if Spike had been in hell and simply had not remembered, there would have been obvious scars that would show case his time spent there. Instead, Spike was quiet, when not around Angel, and often seemed lost in trying to reconnect with the world around him. Thinking back to his dream, Wesley realized what some of it had meant. The room he had met Spike in had represented the realm that Spike had previously been in. The feelings Wesley had felt afterwards had been mere shadows of the pain that Spike was going through. Instead of researching Spike’s resurrection like Angel had wanted, maybe Wesley could help Fred and Lorne make things go a bit smoother for Spike. First would be getting Spike set up with identification. Then seeing if they could find him a place to live. Spike could not keep staying at Fred’s but that move would only come when Spike felt that he was ready to go.

“I’m telling you it’s impossible! There is no way Spike could have gone to heaven!” Angel ranted, refusing to believe the evidence being presented right before his eyes.

“Angel, man, you heard the guy.” Gunn said, trying to get his boss to open his eyes.

“No! There is no way Spike of all things went to heaven. It’s obvious he’s up to something and I’m going to find out what.” Angel said, determined to walk back into his office and force Spike to admit that he was lying. A small but powerful hand stopped his movement. Turning, Angel was surprised to find himself looking into a pair of pain filled hazel eyes.

“Don’t Angel.” Buffy whispered. “He’s not lying.”

“It’s true Angel.” Lorne said, finally breaking his silence.

“You knew?” Wesley asked.

“I knew because that poor boy is radiating pain at anyone willing to look.” Lorne explained. “He didn’t have to sing for me to know. I just have to be in the same room with him.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Though he was facing Gunn, Lorne still addressed the crowed gathered around him.

“Because that is not something you spread around. If Blondie had wanted us to know he would have said something. Now that everyone knows I suggest not pushing him to talk about it or to just get over it.” Giving them all rather stern looks Lorne turned and walked back into Angel’s office. Someone he considered a friend was hurting and Lorne was going to do everything in his power to help.

“Spikey was pulled out of heaven?” Everyone turned to find Harmony standing behind them holding Angel’s mug of blood. Looking at the group with tear filled eyes, her bottom lip began to shake.

“And you all were so mean to him! You should be a shamed of yourselves!” The blonde vampire scolded. Pushing her way past the stunned group, Harmony stalked into Angel’s office taking his blood filled coffee cup with her.