“Would?”

“Know Me Broken By My Master
Teach Thee On Child Of Love Hereafter

Into The Flood Again
Same Old Trip It Was Back Then
So I Made A Big Mistake
Try To See It Once My Way

Drifting Body Its Sole Desertion
Flying Not Yet Quite The Notion

Am I Wrong?
Have I Run Too Far To Get Home?
Am I Gone?
And Left You Here Alone
If I Would Could You?” Alice In Chains (Would “Dirt” 1992)

Sitting quietly in Gunn’s office, Fred, Lorne and Gunn had no idea what to think. Their returned memories swirled inside their heads on an endless horrific loop. They remembered Conner as a sweet innocent baby. They remembered the shock and pain of losing him. The joy they had felt at his return was soon eclipsed by the hatred Conner seemed to feel towards them and his father. Fred and Gunn both remembered the betrayal they had felt when they found out that Conner had lied to them about Angel’s disappearance.

Charles for some reason felt more relieved then upset. Thoughts and feelings that had been plaguing him for some time finally made sense. He could remember how he felt learning of Wesley’s actions and how angry he had been when he found out Conner had lied to them about Angel. He could look back and see how the chaos of the last year had driven Angel to make a desperate decision in order to save his son. Gunn may not agree with every decision Angel had made but he could see how he was stuck in a lose-lose situation. With the upgrades Gunn had been given he was able to see the problem from both sides. Now he only wanted to focus on the problems at hand. Solving the mystery behind Angel’s odd behavior was a top priority for him. He wanted to know why his friend would do such a terrible thing to someone who did not deserve it. Spike may be brash and crude but he seemed like a pretty cool guy and Gunn wanted to help in anyway he could. Gunn had a feeling that Angel was entrenched with Wolfram and Hart even farther than Angel himself realized.

Lorne felt violated. He was an empathic demon and so his talents lay inside his mind. To have his memories tampered with cut deeply. Lorne considered Angel to be his friend, despite having been responsible in one way or another for destroying his club. Now with everything out in the open, they not only had to deal with past issues, but they also had to save Spike from Angel and save Angel from himself. It was a daunting task and Lorne really wished that he could disappear inside of a Sea breeze for about a week, but he knew that was not possible. If he was hurting as badly as he was then he knew the others were feeling the same or worse. Putting his head in his hands, Lorne tried to figure out away to not only save his friends but their friendships as well.

Fred especially felt bad. She remembered being hurt and torn by Wesley’s actions and then by Angel’s. She understood that Angel had a right to be angry. His son had been stolen from him. Even if Wesley had meant well, that still did not change the facts. Fred understood a bit about were Angel was coming from. She herself had tried to kill the man who had betrayed her. Fred would have followed through with her revenge if Gunn had not stepped in and done it for her.

What she could not understand was were her handsome man had gone. Angel had saved her from Pylea. He had given her a home and a purpose. Then he took her memories and tried to kill one of her friends. Fred did not understand how Angel could justify his reasoning. He kept telling everyone within earshot that Spike was nothing more than a vicious killer and could not be trusted. When she had confronted him, Angel had brushed her off. He claimed that Angelus was a different person and that he could not be held accountable for the things he had done without his soul. When she had pointed out that Spike too had a soul, Angel claimed that Spike had only gotten it for selfish reasons. Fred still could not wrap her head around his reasoning and with her memories it was even harder.

Looking at Gunn and Lorne, Fred voiced the question they were all thinking.

“What are we gonna do now?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the past year , Wesley could see that the group had not been able to reconcile their issues. Conner had betrayed his father in his misguided anger and Cordelia had gone missing. When she had supposedly come back and the group had begun to interact with each other again, it had been one crisis after another. They soon had a seemingly unstoppable Beast to kill and then found out that it wasn’t Cordelia who had come back to them. Old hurts and wrongs had been put to the back burner for a better time. The wounds may have been covered but they had not healed, only festered despite the memories not being there.

Even with the privilege of hindsight, Wesley did not know how he should feel. He felt betrayed and violated. He wanted to scream and rage. A part of him demanded to ask what right Angel thought he had in playing god with their lives. Another part of himself wanted nothing more then to fall to his knees and beg Angel for forgiveness, for some way to try and make things right.

Taking a good long drink from the bottle of Scotch before him, Wesley began to wonder if with the return of their own memories, that maybe his friends would turn their backs on him again. The sting of their rejection hurt almost as much as when Angel had purposely tried to kill him. He had needed them then and they had turned on him. The only person he had to turn to during that dark period had been Lilah. Wesley still hated her just as much as he loved her and through a chain of horrific events he had lost her. Wesley felt that that was one more event he was at fault for.

What really hurt was that Angel did not seem to want to work through their issues but instead chose to wipe them away with one carefully placed spell. Wesley was no fool. Despite the anger and pain he felt at Angel’s actions towards himself, he understood. He was trying to protect Conner and had ended up costing Angel his son. It did not seem to matter that the prophesy was a clever fake. Wesley felt he should have been able to find someway to protect his friend and his son. Looking back, Wesley could easily see any number of ways to achieve his goal. It reminded him of a brief conversation he had overheard between Spike and Dawn. They had been discussing the confrontation that had taken place in Angel’s office when Buffy had first arrive. It seemed a painfully accurate metaphor for his own problems.

“Every night, Bit.” Spike had said. “Every bloody night that summer I saved her. I could see a million different ways I could have done it too. Could have been stronger, faster…..could have taken that tosser with me when I fell. I told her this too, after she came back. Her reaction to seeing me the other day makes me think. Did she ever think back to that last battle? Did she ever wonder how she could have saved me?”