"The Gift"

“Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me…” Seether (“The Gift” Karma and Effect 2005)


The L.A scenery raced by the car windows at a blinding speed. Lights, cars, buildings and signs all blurred together creating a hypnotic image of streaking colors. Angel gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white and the metal started to bend under his punishing hold.

He could not believe it. Here he was, CEO of Los Angelus’ Wolfram and Hart and Champion of the Powers That Be, and not only could he not full fill his duty but everyone was questioning his decisions. What right did they have to be questioning him? Then there was Cordelia. His dear beloved Cordelia. She had somehow come back to him and all she could do was attack him. After all he had done for her! She was his seer and that meant that Cordelia answered to him. To top it off, somehow Willow or one of the others had managed to put a barrier up against him that prevented Angel from entering Spike’s room. It was important to his mission that he make sure the threat that Spike posed did not come to pass.

Spotting the hypodermic needle laying on the floor board of the passenger seat caused a low growl to rumbled through the small confines of the car. The substance in that needle was supposed to finish the job started by the spell that Angel had had the mystics cast. It was important that it be administered before the end of the full moon’s cycle. Once given, it would permanently lock the recipient in a primal state. With the combination of the spell to bring forth Spike’s true nature, the substance would give Angel the opening he needed. Spike’s deception would be brought to light and Angel would then dust him. Unfortunately it had to be administered before the end of the full moon’s cycle and that only gave Angel two more days. He had to act fast and hope that his mystics could remove the barrier before his time was up. Angel did not understand how anyone could not see that getting rid of Spike was for the best?

Coming to a residential area, Angel slowed his flashy company car to a slow crawl. Quaint houses lined the well maintained street. Cars were arranged along the roadway or sat quietly in pristine driveways. A few houses had lights shining through their large windows and anyone looking in could see the occupants moving around or watching TV.

Pulling up across from a large well maintained house, Angel killed the engine and turned off the headlights. Taking a deep unneeded breath, Angel pushed all thoughts of Spike and his duty to the world from his thoughts. Tonight was a night for Angel to sit and relax. Troublesome thoughts had no place in this setting and Angel wanted to be sure to keep it that way.

Sitting in the comforting darkness, Angel watched as a family sat around a dining room table and laughed. One person in particular drew his attention. A young college aged boy sat with his family happily sharing a meal. He was excited about whatever it was he was telling his family about. His arms wove around the room and several times his sister had to duck out of the way so as to avoid being hit. A large smile graced his features making him seem younger. An air of innocence surrounded the boy and when he laughed again Angel had to fight hard to keep his emotions in check.

“He’s beautiful isn’t he.”

Shocked, Angel’s head whipped around to stare at the figure sitting next to him. She was dressed in a simple white sundress that fell to her knees and her lovely blonde hair rested softly on her delicate shoulders. She seemed ethereal. Her face and eyes were filled with a look of peace and love. Her voice was calm and serene, missing the silken merciless edge it used to hold. It flowed over him in calming waves and filled an ache in his dead heart Angel had had no idea had been there. Tears filled pain laced brown eyes and his voice came out in a rusty croak.

“Darla?”

“Hello Angel. It’s been awhile.”

“Darla? Is it really you?” Angel whispered. Reaching out a shaking hand, Angel leaned forward to gently caress her cheek. When his fingers came into contact with her smooth cool flesh a sob rose up in his throat. Barely able to swallow the lump resting there, Angel cupped her cheek and slowly drew her in for a soft delicate kiss. It only lasted for a brief moment but it conveyed every emotion he was feeling. Tears filled Darla’s unusually warm blue eyes as she smiled back at one of her beautiful boys. How she missed them terribly, but she had a mission to complete and could not allow her heart to get in her way.

“I see you still look in on our boy.” Darla smiled as she brought her gaze to rest upon the young man inside the house Angel was watching.

“He has everything I could never give him.” Angel answered, letting his eyes trail back to the inside of the house.

“And what is that Angel?” Darla asked.

“A normal life.” Angel said. He was confused as to why she was asking him that. Angel thought that she would know that a normal life away from demons and fighting was what their son deserved.

“What is a normal life Angel?” Darla asked, turning her gaze to the vampire next to her.

“It’s having a family and friends. It’s being loved and happy. He gets to go to school now and make friends. One day he will have a family of his own. That’s what a normal life is.”

“You forgot about his destiny.” Darla said, a soft sad smile gracing her face.

“He doesn’t have a destiny.” Angel growled, his eyes darkening.

“Oh, Angel.” Darla sighed. Placing a small hand on his cheek, she tenderly rubbed her thumb along his cheek bone.

“Our boy,” Darla said, “That beautiful boy you see across from us is destined to be a great champion and nothing you do can change that.”

“No.” Angel denied. “He’s supposed to grow up, go to school, get married and have a life!”

“And he can do all of that Angelus! But if you try to deny him his heritage you will be depriving him of his birthright.”

“He does not have a birthright!” Angel growled at the calm form of his sire.

“Dear boy, our son is special and that should make you proud.” Darla responded. “Do you not think it’s a bit strange that you are so insistent on Conner having no knowledge of our world?”

“No. It’s only right that Conner have the life he deserves. Why would you have me deny our son that?”

“I would not.” Darla said with force. “What I am saying is that it is odd that he not be allowed any knowledge of the supernatural or you. We both know that Wolfram and Hart can not be trusted. So why would they ever want to help?”

“But they have helped!” Angel insisted. “They gave Conner a new life and are helping me eradicate the threat Spike embodies.”

“And what threat could Drusilla’s hyperactive pup ever pose?” Darla asked, one delicately formed eyebrow raised.

“He claims to have been torn from heaven and has scammed everyone into believing he is my new seer.” Darla’s laughter was the only response Angel’s well thought out arguments garnered.

“It is true!” Angel cried. “He’s got everyone turned against me! Not even Cordelia trust me anymore.”

“My dear precious Childe,” Darla said, “Her heart simply got in the way.”

“Huh?” At his confused response, Darla laughed.

“Angel, when that thing came back in her body, you could not tell that it was not her. Then after your son killed it, you go and take the deal with Wolfram and Hart. When you ran off to Sunnydale, Cordelia felt like you were abandoning her for your beloved Slayer.” Darla said the last part with clear disdain. Her still heart actually felt sympathy for the brash seer. Darla was not completely over her boy killing her for that child so many years ago.

“I did not abandon her!” Angel yelled. “I made sure she got the best medical care Wolfram and Hart had to offer.

“Angelus don’t whine,” Darla snapped back, “It is unbecoming of any childe of mine.”

Taking a deep calming breath, Darla continued. “Think about it Angelus. Why was that bitch Lilah so eager to help you out with Conner? Why was Eve so insistent that William join Wolfram and Hart? Why did she suddenly change her tune and tell you that the Senior Partners were beginning to think that he would become a liability to your cause?”

Looking back inside the house, Angel sighed. Darla’s words began warring with the constant mantra telling him that Conner had to be kept away and that Spike had to be eliminated. For the first time in months Angel began to doubt all that he had believed to be true.