Disclaimer: Not mine, but I like to play with them anyway.
Thanks to LisFayte for betaing. Please review.



As you want it

“Jus’ thought you should know, I’m leaving.. Pfft! Who am I kidding, she won’t care. Why should she?” Spike said, continuing to pack his clothes in a duffle bag. He salvaged what he could from the destroyed ‘basement’ of his crypt, sighing each time his eyes found something he associated with Buffy. The remains of his big bed where they had made love. No, not made love-shagged-that time she was invisible. The tattered remains of the oriental rugs where they had almost had a conversation. Some melted candles in a corner, which reminded him of the candles she had thrown at him that time Dawn went missing.

He decided to not let it bother him, choosing to ignore the voice that told him he was already bothered by it. He packed the rest of his things, slung the bag over his shoulder and left the crypt.

*******************

He saw her on his way out of the cemetery, fighting two fledges. He sighed at the sight of her and ignored the urge to go and join the fight. He didn’t want to let her see him leaving, so joining the fight, or even watching it, was out of the question. He sighed quietly, a pang of sadness running through him at the thought that he would never see her fight again, seeing as she was bloody poetry in motion. Instead he headed towards the cemetery gate, where his car stood parked.

After taking two steps he felt her behind him, but he didn’t stop. The wind blew her scent towards him, the scent of her herbal shampoo, lavender and pure slayer aroma. Mix it together and you would have her scent. He inhaled it quietly, realizing that this was probably the last time he would ever smell it. He continued walking, knowing that if he stopped, he might not be able to leave.

“What are you doing?” her melodious voice asked, halting him. He was a little surprised to hear her sounding curious, when he was so used to hear her talking to him with a resigned or angry voice. He closed his eyes when a painful pang went through him. Would this be the last time he heard her voice? He stood perfectly still, before he answered her without turning around.

“I’m going. Leaving,” he said, looking at the ground in front of his feet. He couldn’t turn around, fearing the look of disgust she so often directed his way. When only silence answered him he frowned lightly. When he suddenly smelled salt in the air, coming from her direction he turned around. He was shocked to see her hazel eyes wet with tears. The hazel eyes he expected to show hate now shone with despair, and it shook him to his core.

“You’re leaving? You too?” She asked in a small, trembling voice, and his heart broke at the sound of it. When he had turned he had briefly met her eyes, before letting his gaze fall to the ground. He just couldn’t face her.

“Yeah, nothing here for me. Here I’m a soulless monster, and I’m treated like dirt. There’s only so much I can take.” He said in a flat voice, not looking at her. He couldn’t face her, he knew he would crumble if he looked her in the eyes. He knew he was right, except the last part, which was an outright lie. He’d take anything to be near her. He knew he would take her beating and her words any day, just glad to be near her.

“I’m nothing to you. Less than nothing.” He said in a strained voice, as if fighting tears. He looked up at her face, yet he avoided her eyes. At his words she closed her eyes, a tear rolling down her cheek. She sunk to her knees and buried her face in her hands.

“I’m sorry.... So sorry.... Didn’t.... Sorry.... Don’t.... Don’t want you to leave.... Everybody I care about leaves... They always do....” She sobbed, looking at him with red, watery eyes. He was shocked by her words, shocked that she cared about him and that she didn’t want him to leave. His thoughts quickly flashed back at her words, realizing that he had just joined the category of all the other men in her life. Angel, leaving her ‘for her own good’. Riley, cheating on her with the vamp whores then leaving her standing at the helicopter pad. Giles, her father figure and Watcher, leaving her ‘for her own good’. He knew her father had left her too, but the details around that one was fuzzy.

“Maybe you care, but... I won’t.... I can’t go back to being your dirty little secret. I jus’ can’t.... “Spike said, looking into her eyes. He felt like weeping when he saw the look of anguish in her eyes. He knew that if she said she wanted him to be her dirty secret, he would, his pride be damned. He could rant and yell all he wanted about it, but that didn’t change the fact that he was love’s bitch.

“I’m sorry, love.” He said, closing his eyes to hide the tears that wanted to emerge. She sat on the ground a few feet in front of him, tears rolling softly down her cheeks. He opened his anguished blue eyes, but didn’t meet her eyes. She looked so lost, like a little girl, and he had to force back the tears.

“Sorry, didn’t... Shouldn’t... I ... Didn’t mean to... So sorry...”She sobbed quietly, looking at the ground. Spike hurried over to her and sat down in front of her, taking her hands in his. He expected her to flinch back from him, and he nearly sighed in relief when she didn’t. He didn’t give it a thought though, his focus on the woman in front of him.

“Hush, love. You did nothing wrong. Don’t cry. You have nothing to apologize for.” Spike said, wanting nothing more than to take the petite slayer into his arms and comfort her. But he didn’t, fearing her rejection, again. He’d been rejected so many times, he wasn’t sure he could take any more.

“Please.... Don’t... Don’t leave..” She begged him, flinging her arms around his torso and hugging him tight. He was lost as he felt her cling to him, her tears dampening his black tee-shirt. He knew he would never leave now, having seen and heard her beg him not to.

“Never, love, never.” He said, closing his eyes.

End