Eighteen


Their eyes adjusted to the light and before them stood two figures. Both had dark brown hair, but that was where the similarities ended. The figure on the left was wearing white denim jeans and a white lacy top. She was voluptuous and beautiful and her hair was curly and short. The woman on the right had on a strict black Armani suit with pumps and her hair pulled back into a bun. She was attractive in a CEO way, powerful, and utterly dangerous.

They were standing in a white room with no walls. It was incredibly disorienting. Buffy and Spike stood in the middle of what seemed like an endless world of white, looking at the two women who would occasionally shoot dirty looks at one another.

"My name is Buffy—" The corporate woman laughed.

"Honey, we know who you are." She tilted her head, "I take it you don't know who we are though. Hmm. Interesting."

"Why is it interesting?" Spike said for the first time, looking the woman up and down. She smiled at him with pursed lips and completely ignored his question.

"I don't think we were ever formally introduced. My name is Lilah." She put out her hand. Spike smiled back at her with the same lopsided grin.

"Spike. It's a pleasure. Now how you are going to help us go back to normal." Lilah let out a peal of laughter. The vampire dropped the woman's hand. Her laugh sounded crooked. Tainted somehow, his eyes widened.

"Honey, that's impossible. You were never normal to begin with."

"That's rich, coming from a nonhuman!" He spat.

"Lilah shut up." The casual one stepped forward, "I'm Cordelia and I want to clear everything up."

"Good, cause I need some answers. Where are we and what is wrong with us?" Buffy asked Cordelia. The woman gave a sad smile and nodded her head.

"This isn't your world," Cordelia started softly. "This is a world that Spike has created out of his desire for you."

Buffy whirled her head around to look at an astonished vampire.

"This is YOUR fault." She started to walk towards him, "I am going to kill you! You told me you didn't do anything!"

"The girl is obviously daft, I didn't do anything!" He hollered. "Angelus sent us here, they have to be evil! They're not even human! You should be thanking the ground I walk on—"

"I will NOT thank you! This is totally something you would do!"

"This is SO amusing," Lilah giggled.

"Lilah, you talk one more time I will slap you so hard you will be singing along with the Backstreet Boys!" She snapped. "Buffy, you need to calm down. I want to show you something."

"Is it how to torture a vampire?"

"No. It's the truth." The Slayer looked into Cordelia's eyes.

"Alright."

"Let's hope this room has trash bags because you are going to need it." Lilah whispered.

Cordelia reached over and touched Buffy's forehead with one finger. A small spark, not unlike a shock, appeared at the connection. The blue shock made her head glow just slightly.

And then Buffy crumpled to the ground, sobbing. Cordelia looked sad as she watched the blond break down crying. Her body shook and convulsed as she caught her breath. Spike watched in shock. He had never seen Buffy this distraught or a reaction this devastating. It was if her entire world had fallen apart in one moment. He didn't dare touch her, though she looked so lonely. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the train wreck in front of him.

The blond little girl looked at him with her big eyes and said the most terrifying words he could possibly imagine.

"I'm dead."

And Cordelia touched Spike.


*************

It was three years after the Hellmouth closed when Buffy died. I wasn't there; I was sodding traipsing around in China killing off vampires; doing my thing, repenting for deeds done wrong and saving puppies. And every moment I was fighting the urge to go see her.

After Italy, when Angel and I went on a quest to find the girl, I had realized that the honorable thing was to let her go. I would never admit it but I was scared of her reaction. Anything besides her kissing me senseless would have been a disappointment. If you love a girl, then let her go.

So I decided to find trouble in China. They were digging up shit to build the Yangzee River dam, and finding loads of demons. I positioned myself there to save lives, half thinking that I would stumble upon an apocalypse as an excuse to call my girl. The signs were there; the eclipse of the sun, the volcanoes going off, earthquakes... but nothing too bad that I couldn't handle on my own. Little did I know that THE Apocalypse was coming, and I was in China, fighting the good fight, when I should have been in South America, saving the world...

Fucking cell phone reception.

I can remember that nightfall with excruciating detail, the sun was shining the first time in three days. Angel picked up the phone to scream at me for not getting my ass down to Argentina, and secondly to say that she was missing; in a demonic dimension somewhere. She had been fighting demons, there had been hundreds of thousands, a flash of light and they had all disappeared. The demons. Buffy. All were gone as of 4:14 that afternoon. *

My world as we know it, collapsed, but the trouble didn't start there. I remember putting down the phone in shock, sitting down on that rock hard bed, and looking at nothing until it was daylight. That was a big mistake when I realized that I couldn't go anywhere until dark. I didn't believe the news and wanted to get out of the fucking room after feeling what it would be like to loose her.

So, I trashed the place so that not a square inch of wood or plaster remained. In my opinion, it was an improvement. At sundown, I threw down all my money to pay for the room and ran into the sewers. I couldn't cry. I had to find her.

I immediately went to the local know-it-all demon stuck on a mountain and went through trials. I was used to the pain, which was bloody horrific, but I needed to know where she was so I could rescue her. In my mind, I would come in, swooping down like a knight in armor. In my actions, I would tell her how much I loved her and finally convince her that I was worthy of her love.

But most importantly I wanted to see her again. I went away so she could be happy, but I was never happy thinking that we could have been more. More than just lovers. I wanted to touch her to tell her I loved her once more. And hear, for the first time, that she loved me. I needed that.

The last thing she ever told me was that she loved me. And I had told her that she didn't... not in the way I wanted to be loved. And this was my second chance. If I could prove myself to her, then I could be with her. This is what fueled my fire. This is what lit my world. This is why I could get through the pain.

Two days went by though it seemed like years, and then the trials were done, I was only given one answer. That she was bloody well gone. And apparently, that's what started the true pain. That Buffy died. Again.

Angel got the same answer after doing the same thing in Los Angeles, so I figured it was time to get drunk. Pissing drunk.

The only problem was that I got pissing drunk in the middle of the local Vengeance Demon hangout. Who knew they liked the middle of nowhere?

"Another sir, if you please." Spike said with slur. He slammed the whisky tumbler down upon the sticky bar table. The place was busy with fifty drunken demons who didn't speak English except for the bar tender and this other guy...

"Listen, if I put a lit match within a foot of you, you would go up in flames." The bartender said in his fantastic English. "This is a bar, not a fire station."

"Where did you learn your English?" Spike demanded, "You sound just like heaven. I've been speaking Chinese for months now, if... if I had known that you spoke what I spoke, then I would have been here earlier." The bartender gave him a dirty look.

"I have blond hair, blue eyes, and a crew cut. I am six foot three and tower over the crowds. I've been mistaken for Johnny Depp too many times to count." He shook his head disgustedly, "I would think that a Billy Idol wannabe would know to look next door to his apartment."

Spike shook his hand at the man cleaning glasses.

"You didn't answer my question—"

"We're neighbors, idiot."

"Give the man another drink," the demon said next to him. "The love of his life just disappeared."

The bartender snorted in aversion.

"I know that... you know that I know." The bartender said in an irritated tone, "I've been working here all night, you have been here for three hours, telling me the story of your life. I got the movie rights. I fuckin' swear."

"Just one more?" Spike whispered.

"Fine. One more." The bartender poured him another glass, "I pity you. Because my girl ran off on me too. Right after I fucking turned her so we could be together forever. Bitch. However, I'm warning you. If a cigarette comes by here, you are paying for damage."

"Deal." And he drowned half the glass in one gulp.

"So about this girl," the demon said, "why don't you just get over her?"

"Piss off you buggering w... wanker!" Spike swerved around on his barstool, lost balance, got his balance back, and then pointed at the demon straight in the face. "She's not the type to get over."

"What do you wish?"

"She has the prettiest hair. Blond and shiny. You know, Angelus always loved blond hair. It was his thing," He said the last word with disgust. "I always liked the dark haired girls. They were mysterious and lovely and could keep your mind occupied for years. But she... she had all the mystery and bravery of a dark haired girl."

"But she left you."

"You know what... Hoffman? Hitler?"

"D'Hoffryn."

"Yes, D'Hoffryn. Have you ever lost a girl?"

"I've lost many girls."

"Did you kill them?"

"No... not directly." The demon sighed. "There was one who I loved particularly. She was constantly brave and creative. Always searching for her identity for thousands of years. And then one day, she found another man."

"Bitch." Spike muttered into his whisky glass. D'Hoffryn shook his head sadly.

"No. She wasn't. And neither was he. He made her find her own identity. And he changed her for the better. She's happy now."
"Is she in Connecticut? That's where all the happy people go." Spike hiccupped. D'Hoffryn chuckled.

"No. She's in another universe where she will be eternally happy."

"I know. It's like they're over there and we're over here. And there's an invisible wall between us that cannot be crossed." He took another drink, "Bloody hell I'm wasted."

"Yes you are."

"You keep askin' me what I wish for."

"Yes."

"Well, what do YOU wish for?" Spike sloshed.

"I would wish to see her." D'Hoffryn sighed. "She was very pretty and she grew up so quickly. I would just like to tell her something that I've never told anyone. And maybe spend some time together. Maybe another thousand years or so. "

"Tell me."

"No. Especially not you." Spike wiped his eye sentimentally while the demon downed the rest of his drink. "Now, I came here to grant you a wish. Your pain is so palpable that I could feel it from Arashmahaar. I know I got sidetracked talking about Anyanka, however, you were just about to tell me what you wanted."

"Anyanka? You had a fling with bloody Anya?"

"No. She was a daughter to me. Now focus before I become angry."

"Alright, alright. I've been thinking that I want the world to be like Buffy wanted. No moral grey areas, you know what I mean? It's no confusion, it just clarity. The polarity, positive and negative, black and white, good and evil. She hated being attracted to evil... to me. I want her to have what she wants. I want the world to be black and white."

"DONE!"


Fucking whisky.


************

Spike crumbled to the ground. His eyes were shut as tight as he could make them. He didn't want to see the look on her face. Reliving all his memories and feeling the especially raw pain of Buffy's death. And then knowing how badly he had screwed up. He didn't want to see the disappointment. Spike finally opened his eyes to look at the blindingly white floor.

"I am so sorry." He whispered. Spike then forced himself to look at her. Buffy was sitting on the ground. She just looked at him with sad eyes, knowing ones. They weren't disappointed, they understood and that made it slightly worse. Spike didn't dare touch her. Right now, he wasn't worthy.

"I am desperately sorry." He repeated.

"That's ok." She whispered softly, "You didn't know that he was a Vengeance Demon. Though you should know better not to make any wishes to strange demons."

"No." Spike's voice cracked, "I am so sorry that I wasn't there... when you died."

Buffy smiled slightly.

"That's ok. It wasn't bad. Just a little itchy going through the doorway." She looked at him and her lip slightly trembled. "I'm sorry we couldn't work things out."

"That's wonderful that you can reunite, etc." Lilah said sarcastically, "however, because of your wish, we've been here for a year. Yes, peoples, a year. Stuck with Miss Moral Fiber over here. So if we could say the spell and move on."





* Author's note: I wanted to tie this into "FRAY" a story about Melaka Fray, a slayer from the future. The story goes, that "a Slayer, possibly with some mystical allies, faced an apocalyptic army of demons. And when it was done, they were gone. All demons, all magic, banished from this earthly dimension," Yeah. Buffy. And this entire universe was created by Spike's reaction to Buffy's death.

Cool isn't it?

More tomorrow. And keep reviewing!