Chapter 1 – Talk to me once before I leave




He had followed her for hours. She had moved from cemetery to cemetery with the grace of a panther and the instinct to match. Her hair shone in the moonlight, and for the first time in his unlife, he wished he could be with her in daylight. She would be effulgent.

Stupid word, effulgent, but it described her to a ‘T’. She held his heart in the palm of her hand; yet she did not know, or care. Her heart was still with Angel no matter what wanker she dated or thought she loved.

She would never look at him they way she looked at Angel. Never use that little breathy voice whenever she said his name. His name was too harsh on her tongue, too much like an instrument of death; which he was or had been.

This was the last night he would follow her. He had tried everything to be part of her life, and still she pushed him away. Now she thought she loved the initiative solder, but she was trying for normal in a life full of horror and pain.

The Desoto was packed and the tank filled with gas. He had money in his pocket, and even more in his account at Wolfram and Hart. He could disappear anywhere in the world and she would never find him.

She wouldn’t want to find him, of that he was sure now.

He had told the watcher he was leaving tonight, and was not surprised when his reaction had been a swift ‘Bye, don’t come back.’ His hope had been that Giles would tell Buffy he was leaving tonight and she would come to see him and beg him to stay. It did not take him long to realise that she did not care. He had helped them, fought for them, protected them and they still pushed him away.

The only one who cared for him was Nibblet.

He would miss her too. She had never been afraid of him and in her schoolgirlish ways; she had loved him like a brother. Leaving Nibblet would almost be as hard as leaving Buffy, but his heart could only shatter so many times.

Why had Red done the spell?

He had hated Buffy before the spell. If he was honest with himself, he had always wanted to fuck her. She had been the first slayer since New York who had challenged him. She had fought with him, bantered with him, sided with him and she had been the first slayer to kiss him.

Their kisses were carved into his brain. If he concentrated hard enough he could still feel her lips on his. Her wet tongue sliding against his as her hot little hands had played in his hair. She had rubbed her gorgeous body against him, and he had smelled her arousal perfuming the air around them.

His biggest regret of their short engagement had been that they had only kissed and held hands like teenagers. He had acted more like William than Spike during their short engagement, showing her respect. Christ, he could kick himself now. He should have fucked her into the ground and shown her how a man who loved her could make her feel.

Every night she came to him in dreams. Golden, beautiful, strong and his. She would never be his. He knew that and his heart cried for its loss. He had to leave, now, tonight, before he made an even bigger wanker of himself than he already was.

His eyes followed her as she started to disappear from view.

One more time, he told himself, talk to her just one more time. He would need something to remember on his journey into hell. Just the sound of her voice, just one more thing to add to his memories on long lonely nights.

He ran towards her, using all his vampire speed. Within moments he was behind her and stopped. She turned towards him; stake in hand ready to strike. Lowering the stake and sighing, she spoke.

“God, could you be more stupid, Spike. Running up behind me like that. I could have staked you, you stupid vampire.”

Her voice, her golden voice stopped him in his tracks. He tilted his head at her and smiled. She was pouting at him in annoyance and he had to shift his stance to relieve the bulge in his pants.

“What do you want, Spike? I want to get home sometime tonight. Whatever it is you want can it wait till tomorrow? I’m tired, covered in vamp dust and I have a test tomorrow.”

He could not speak. Giles had not told her he was leaving. He was not important enough to the Scoobies for the watcher to tell her he was leaving! Tell her now, his brain screamed at him. Tell her you’re leaving, you wanker, get it over with and walk away. Leave her before she breaks your heart again.

“Cat got your tongue, Spike? I normally can’t shut you up, yet here you are staring at me like a goldfish with its mouth open. Spit it out, Spike. I need to get home.”

Still he did not speak, he could not find the words to tell her he was leaving.

“Right, that’s it, you’re coming with me. When you go quiet I don’t trust you and I am SO not in the mood tonight to deal with your crap.” She grabbed his arm to drag him in her wake. “Move Spike, you can talk to mom and Dawn while I shower. Then we’ll get this sorted out.”

She was touching him. To be fair, her hold was rather painful, but she WAS touching him. Another piece of heaven he could take with him. He could say his ‘good byes’ to Joyce and Dawn and he would be done. Complete.

Pulling him through the kitchen door, she banged it shut behind them. She had not invited him in, yet here he was. It struck him then that she had never rescinded his invitation. She trusted him in her home, where her mother and sister slept. His undead heart swelled in his chest, and he fell in love with her just a little bit more.

“Mom, Dawn, I’m home and I brought a guest.”

Joyce and Dawn walked into the kitchen and smiled at him. His love encompassed all the Summers women and he returned their smile. Dawn ran to him and gave him a huge hug. Before he could stop himself, his arms were around her holding her to him. He would never be able to hold her again and he wanted to remember the smell of her hair and the feeling of love she gave him.

It would be cold comfort in the lonely days to come.

The kettle was boiling and four cups of cocoa were soon on the aisle. The little marshmallows he loved were floating in his mug as he looked down. His eyes filled with tears at Joyce’s gesture. She had remembered his love of marshmallows. It took Buffy all her time to remember his name.

“Are you crying, Spike?” Buffy’s voice was harsh and cold. Why did she have to be cold to him now? He was leaving, could she not give him one kind word before he disappeared from their lives. The tears came faster and thicker than before, and he refused to hide them.

Dawn started to get upset at her friend’s obvious distress. Just once she wished Buffy would be nice to Spike. He was a great guy and her sister was too biased against the vampire. Rising from her stool, Dawn moved to comfort him.

His tears upset Joyce too. She really liked this gentle vampire who so obviously loved her daughter. He could never hide his feelings. Ever since she had known him, he had been in love. First with his crazy sire Drusilla, and now with her daughter. She could not understand why Buffy could not see how much he cared.

“Buffy,” her mother admonished her. “Go have a shower while Dawn and I sit with Spike.”

Buffy stared at her mother in surprise. She could not understand why both her mother and sister were comforting the crying vampire. It must be a trick to get their sympathy. The chip must have malfunctioned and he was lulling them into a false sense of security. She had to test him out before her mother and Dawn suffered at his hands.

“Spike, can we go outside for a minute?” she barked at him. She ignored the looks her mother and sister gave her. They did not understand just how dangerous Spike could be. For the second time that night, she dragged Spike by the arm.

Now they stood, face to face at the bottom of the porch steps.

“Hit me, Spike” she asked, her anger making her growl at him. “I think you’re putting on an act for mom and Dawnie with the crying and the snivelling and the ‘Poor Me’ looks. So hit me before I stake your sorry ass.”

For the first time since he had found her in the cemetery, he spoke.

“Why do you want me to hit you, pet? You know I’ll end up rolling on the floor screaming like a banshee.”

She looked at him for a few seconds before she replied. “Well that’s what I want to see, Spike.”

His heart fell to his boots. She liked to see him in pain; that much was obvious. Was he doomed to love impossible women all his unlife? Did he wear an invisible sign with ‘Kick the Spike’ written in bright red letters?

“Why?” was all he said.

“’Cause I think the chip has stopped working and you’re here to kill my mom and Dawnie.”

He couldn’t help himself as he laughed at her. How wrong could she be about him. Could he convince her without hitting her? He doubted it. Bracing himself for the pain, he swung his fist to her ribs. Even in anger he couldn’t mark her beautiful face.

Before the blow landed, he was screaming at her feet. Holding his head in his hands and grinding his teeth against the pain. Her mother and sister ran through the door at the sound of his cries. Dawn launched her body at her sister in an attempt to hit her for what she had done to Spike.

“Leave him alone, Buffy. Just leave him alone. He’s my friend and you always hit him. Leave him alone.”

Buffy stared in disbelief at her sister. Did Dawn not realise just how dangerous Spike was? Neutered he may be, but he had killed thousands in his time. If he ever lost the chip he would go back to killing in a heartbeat.

She had to calm her sister down and explain what Spike was. He was a vampire, a killer, a thing. He was not something you got upset about, you just slayed them and walked away.

“Buffy Anne Summers” her mother shouted. “Get inside now and take Dawn with you. I’ll deal with Spike”

Buffy opened her mouth to protest but closed it quickly when she caught the look in her mother’s eyes. Joyce was helping Spike up from the grass and holding him to her like a child.

“Move Buffy, before I lose my temper.”

Chagrined, Buffy led a still upset Dawn up the porch steps to the kitchen.

Joyce sat Spike down on the porch steps and went to her knees in front of him She took his hands in hers and waited for him to speak. He was staring at the ground between them as if it would give him all the answers.

“I’m leaving tonight, Joyce.” He ignored her indrawn breath and carried on. “They don’t want me anywhere near them no matter how much I help them. I keep trying to be friends with them but they all push me away. Buffy’s the worst and I can’t take it anymore.”

Tightening her grips on his hands, Joyce asked gently.

“How much do you love Buffy, Spike?”

Spike lifted his head in shock. How did she know? Was he that obvious? Was that why they wanted him gone from their lives?

“Spike, I’ve known you for two years now and I know you love Buffy. You’re supposed to be one of the most dangerous vampires on the planet, yet Buffy still lives. Why is that, Spike?” Her voice was gentle and comforting and Spike stared at her.

“Will I tell you why she is still alive, Spike. It’s because you protect her and keep her from harm. You fight the demons at her side, and on your own. You want nothing to harm her and would die for her.” She squeezed his hands again. “Am I wrong, Spike. Do you want to see her die?”

He could not speak. How did she know how he felt? All he could do was nod his head from side to side.

“She hates me, Joyce, and I can’t be around her anymore.” His eyes filled with tears. “It hurts too much, Joyce, and I’ve had too much hurt in my life. The only way I will get through this is to walk away. I don’t want to go, but if I stay I’ll start to live for the little crumbs she gives me and I can’t do it anymore.”

“Stay here, Spike, and don’t move. I’ll be back in a minute. Promise me you won’t disappear. Do you promise?”

He could refuse this wonderful woman nothing. He smiled at her and nodded his head. “I’ll stay here till you come back, Joyce, but then I’m gone.”

“Okay, Spike. I’ll hold you to that promise. I’ll get your cocoa and you sit here till I get back.”

Within moments, he was sitting with his cocoa as Joyce shut the door behind her. It was time she talked to Buffy.