God knows I don’t own anything. Joss owns all. Except the song which I suppose belongs to Michelle.

Title: My Shooting Star
Complete
Rating: PG-13 because of mention of rape attempt.
Song: Goodbye To You
Artist: Michelle Branch
Buffy reflects on her feelings about Spike when he leaves after trying to rape her. Set to Michelle Branch’s Goodbye to You.

~*~
Of all the things I believed in
I just wanna get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
~*~

The part that hurt the most was how much she had trusted him. She had known for a long time that he wasn’t a monster. She had defended him in her head against their accusations. She had believed in him, believed that he could be something more. Sure, she told herself that she didn’t, but really when she thought about it, she did. And for so long he had proved himself worthy. He had been there for her whenever she wanted or needed him.

He had been different in that way. Angel had been there when the chips were down, when she had no one else to turn to, but never when she wanted him. Riley had tried been there whenever she wanted him, and then some, but he had never been there when she needed him. He couldn’t have been, it really wasn’t his fault. But then there was him. Whenever she had thought she couldn’t go on he had held her and given her strength. Whenever she had wanted to feel alive he had been there to make her feel. Whenever she had wanted an equal he had been there fighting beside her. Hell, when she wanted a punching bag he had let her hit him, and hit him until he could barely speak.

It was true, she had trusted him. She had trusted him with her thoughts, with her body and in more than one way with her blood. She had trusted him with Dawn, more than she trusted anyone else. She had known that he would never hurt her sister. She had known that he understood her sister better than anyone else. And then there were those nights… she shivered to remember those nights when he would bite her so gently and lick the drops of blood from her neck. She had never let him truly drink, she told herself she didn’t trust him that much, but truth be told if he had asked, she would have caved. She couldn’t help but trust him.

She had felt it that night as she walked along with Riley’s beautiful new bride. Sam had switched between praising her abilities and talking about just how in love she and Riley were; a combination of admiration and fear of Buffy’s ability to take her husband from her. She had listened to Sam talk about just how she felt about Riley, the way her heart sped up when he looked at her, the way one look from him could make her melt inside. The way she wanted to be with him no matter what, the way she would follow him to the ends of the world. Buffy could tell that Sam and Riley were in love. It was sweet, although Buffy couldn’t help but feel some pride in the fact that she felt something so much stronger for her bleached vampire. That was when it hit her. She needed to end it. She couldn’t have this happening, because God and heaven above knew what happened to men she loved. With that she had told Sam that they needed to part ways and smashed her way into Spike’s crypt intent on hearing him say the words she craved just one more time before she went back to remembering that he was a monster.

~*~
I’ve been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I’m hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I’m starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said…
~*~

Buffy hadn’t realized until now, standing in his long abandoned crypt that she hadn’t been in love with Spike. When she was in love with someone she could be out of love with them. Buffy realized that her mission to remember Spike’s evil status had been doomed from the start. She could remember he was a monster, but monster or not it just didn't matter. Buffy couldn’t be out of love with Spike. Every emotion she felt toward him came back to love. That wasn’t to say she didn’t feel other emotions. Still, when she loved Spike, she loved him. When she was angry with Spike, she loved him. When she wanted Spike she loved him. When she was happy with Spike she loved him. When she sent Spike away, she loved him and when she hated Spike, and it was often that she hated Spike; she loved him all the more.

It explained why she was standing here now. Why even now she couldn’t hate him. Even now she missed him. She knew he was a monster, an evil soulless creature and she couldn’t hate him for it. Everyone else managed, even Dawn hated him after Xander told her about the near rape, but Buffy couldn’t. She knew exactly what he was and she accepted it, the same way he did her. With him she had no secrets. He could look into her eyes and he knew everything about her. Almost everything about her. The only thing she ever kept from him, she did so only by hiding it from herself. Maybe that’s why he had left; he had seen it in her eyes that night.

~*~
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
~*~

She knew it was selfish of her, but it had been worth his pain to ensure that he didn’t leave her. It was worth only seeing him in passing to know that she would, at least, still see him in passing. She knew the moment she said, the moment she admitted that she felt those three little words that he would leave her. It was all that had ever happened. Angel, Parker, Riley, even her father. Once she loved men they left her.

She had hidden it, buried it. She had called off their relationship, if you could call it that, once she began to realize that she was loving him. And it wasn’t as if he hadn’t done a marvelous job. Just when she thought it was getting too hard to remember that he was a monster he had reminded her. And she had been able to hate him again. Except she had mucked it up all over again. She had still loved him. Maybe he was right, she was in love with the darkness and the pain, but that love was what allowed—what forced her to love him. She had tried to hide it, be as angry as Xander was. But she just couldn’t, and she still trusted him. She had gone that night to leave Dawn with him and she knew she still trusted him. And she still loved him. That was why he wasn’t there when she arrived. She had loved him and he had left her. She couldn’t blame him, that was what always happened.

~*~
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can’t live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But its not right…
~*~

Buffy stepped through the doorway to his empty crypt. Memories flooded her senses. She remembered his eyes, the way she felt when he was around. She remembered the way she didn’t when he wasn’t. She remembered the blinding lights she had seen when his touch brought her back to heaven, if only for a moment. She couldn’t hate him.

Buffy climbed down to the bottom level of Spike’s crypt. She saw that he had done very little to clean up after she destroyed it. Feathers, papers and bits of debris still scattered the floor. She bent down to pick up a particularly clean looking peace of paper. She recognized his handwriting, it always struck her as odd that the vampire who seemed so rough could have such beautiful, delicate handwriting. She supposed that it came from life as an upper class brit. There in his perfect beautiful cursive was written a little verse:

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto

~*~
It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what’s yours and I want what’s mine
~*~
Spike rocked himself slowly back and forth. He hurt her. There was no way around it, not excuse. He had hurt thousands of people. He had tortured and killed them, left them for their families to find. But none of it even compared to the fact that he hurt her. The ones that loved her always hurt her, and now she could add him to that list. He had sworn that he would protect her. He would never lie to her, never make her cry, he would make her see that he was the one she was meant to be with. That he could be worthy of her. But he hurt her. He let her trust him and then he hurt her.

When this all started he told himself not to let her trust him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he had worried he would hurt her like his grandsire had. He never admitted it. He was nothing like his grandesire, but now he was just like his grandsire, except worse. He knew he had to hide. He had to keep himself away from her because if he saw her he would want her. He knew he had no control, so he would stay away. No sooner had he thought that then she appeared in front of him. He gasped and scrambled to get away from her.

“Come here Spike.” Buffy commanded softly.

Spike shook his head. “C- can’t. Can’t hurt.”

“You won’t Spike, come here. I want you, I need your help.” Spike’s eyes glossed over as he remembered how he had pushed her down that night. How he had tried to kiss her, pushed her robe down, trying to make her feel him. Trying to make her feel the burning for him that he felt for her. Spike looked up at Buffy. “It’s ok Spike.”

Spike stood. “C-can’t, can’t, can’t hurt B-buffy,” he whispered. “Can’t hurt the girl.”

“I love you Spike.” Spike looked up. For a moment his eyes shone with hope before he cocked his head to the side.

~*~
I want you
~*~

“The girl who isn’t you.” Buffy stepped back, surprised before she sighed and shifted into Spike.

“You always hurt th’ girl.” The first said. “It’s the way she likes it, innit? It’s the way you like it too. Go find the girl, make her feel.”

Spike glared at the clean cut image of himself. “Stay the hell away from her.” He growled. The image laughed.

“You’ll try, but eventually you’ll hurt her.” Spike growled louder breaking the leg off of a wooden chair and throwing it at the heart of his image. The image disappeared and Spike shrank back into his corner.

~*~
But I’m not giving in this time
~*~

“Never again. Can’t, can’t, no!! Won’t hurt her, the girl. I won’t hurt Buffy.”

~*~
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
~*~

Buffy stood and sighed. She needed to get home. Dawn was starting at the new Sunnydale High school tomorrow and Buffy needed to go with her. She just didn’t trust that spirits didn’t linger near the Hellmouth despite Xander’s assurance that he hadn’t seen anything unusual. Buffy didn’t even know why she had stopped by the crypt. She had known that she wouldn’t find him here, but something had pulled her here. She could feel him somewhere around her. She had to be losing her mind. Buffy shook her head and sighed again as she climbed the ladder and walked out of the crypt closing the door softly behind her. Maybe it was better this way, him leaving. It didn’t matter now that she loved him. He wasn’t there, which made the issue sort of a moot point. Buffy looked up at the stars. One shot past the others leaving a sparkling trail for a moment before it disappeared. Buffy smiled slightly at her childish desire to wish upon it. With a shrug and a glance around to make sure no one would hear the slayer wishing upon a shooting star she whispered into the night.

~*~
And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You’re my shooting star
~*~

“Bring him back to me.”