Title: 2 AM
Author: Goddess Hecate
Song: Breath (2 AM)
Artist: Anna Nalick

I don’t know anything and everyone and their mother knows it.

~*~
2 AM and she calls me ‘cuz I’m still awake
‘Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season’
Yeah, we walk through the door so accusing, their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you’re all here for the very same reason
~*~

The first thing she noticed upon opening the door were the puffy red eyes that greeted her.

“B-buffy!” Tara could not think up a more intelligent response. This was not the visitor she had expected at two o’clock in the morning. Taking in the tear-streaked face and broken body language, Tara opened the door further.

“Thank god you’re here! I’m sorry, I know it’s late, but I didn’t know where else to go and I needed to talk to someone and I just- Oh god, Tara- I don’t mean to bother you but, please, you’re my only hope now.” Buffy was sobbing into Tara’s arms within moments. Tara gently closed the door before guiding the slayer to sit down on her bed.

“Anything you need Buffy. What’s wrong? Is this about … the thing?” Tara paused, looking around conspiratorially. “Is this about you and Spike?” Buffy nodded weakly.

“I’m so sorry to bother you with this, but you’re the only person I can talk to. God, I’m sure I woke you up. I’m so selfish. I should just go. I’m sorry.” Buffy rose to leave.

“Buffy please sit down. I was reading anyway. Tell me what’s wrong,” Tara said, placing her hands on the Slayer’s shoulders to gently push her back down. Buffy looked at Tara, unsure. Tara nodded gently and Buffy took at deep breath as she gathered her thoughts.

“Tara, you have to help me stop this. Please I just can’t do it to him anymore. God, I keep telling myself, telling him that he doesn’t, but I can see it in his eyes. Damn Vampire! His eyes are the windows to his goddamn soul.” Buffy paused in her tirade. “Which is impressive if you think about the fact that he’s not so big with the soul-having-ness. Anyway, I can’t keep doing this. It’s gonna destroy him. Which really should make me happy, if you think about it, because hello, not like he hasn’t tried to destroy me before. Me: Vampire Slayer. Him: Slayer of Slayers. We should be beating the crap out of each other. Still, I don’t want him dead or gone, I just… I just want him. Which is not the same thing as loving him, you know. That’s the whole problem, I can’t, but he does. I don’t know how to make him stop. And every time he gets so hopeful. I don’t know how to make him see that I’m just using him. I need his body - what he can do to me - but I don’t need him,” Buffy concluded. Tara continued to watch her. For a moment Buffy had the uneasy feeling that Tara saw things within her that Buffy didn’t see or understand.

“You don’t need him, but you keep going back to him.” It was almost a question, as though Tara couldn’t quite follow all of the details of Buffy’s story, like something didn’t fit. “Why not try other methods of…” Tara trailed off, blushing profusely. “There are other ways to get… satisfaction.” Buffy looked at her blankly for a moment.

“It’s not the sex. I mean it totally is, ‘cuz, hello, that’s all we ever do. But it’s more than that. I have to know that he’s gonna be there. He makes me feel, and he does it reliably. Its not that he’s the only one who makes me feel, but he’s the only thing in this whole world that is totally reliable. Whenever, wherever I want him, he’s there. He just doesn’t understand. If it becomes more than that, he’ll leave.” Buffy caught Tara’s confused look at this comment. “They all do. I care and they leave. I mean, really, I’m amazed he stuck around after the first round, ‘cuz, really, he’s the one who told me I must not be worth a second go. But then he fell in love. Dipshit. Who the hell falls in love with a Slayer? I mean, come on, we’re disposable.” Again, Tara looked shocked. “Maybe not in your eyes, but in the eyes of the council, there will always be another one to take our place. I’m just *the* Slayer for this generation. In the grand scheme of things, I’m just another Slayer. He should know that better than anyone, having killed two. God this wouldn’t be a problem if he weren’t so damn stupid. Falling in love with a Slayer, come *on*!”

“I’m sure if he had a choice in the matter, he’d just be in it for the sex too.” Tara couldn’t help but chuckle sympathetically. “It’s not a matter of logic or what he knows. It’s a matter of what he feels. He can’t help what he feels for you - just how he acts. Put yourself in his shoes; how would you act?” Tara paused; Buffy seemed to be deep in thought. “It’s a matter of heart, not head.” Buffy rolled her eyes.

“He keeps saying that, but come on. It is a matter of brains too. I can do it. I mean, I loved Angel, but I killed him to save the world. That had nothing to do with heart, just cold hard facts. He needed to die, didn’t matter if I loved him; I put it aside. That’s what Spike needs to do, put it aside. He must know that it would never work.”

“Why?”

Buffy looked shocked for a moment.

“Well, you mean other than the obvious; we all know how Romeo and Juliet ended? Because my friends and watcher would never approve,” Buffy answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I approve,” Tara said simply. “I think Dawn would too.”

“You’re right, but that’s only two of five.”

Tara cocked her head to think for a moment. It was true, Giles would be horrified. It would be his responsibility to be horrified, he thought of Buffy as his daughter. What kind of father wouldn’t try to chase off a bleach blond punk, not to mention the vampire aspect? No, she couldn’t really fault Giles for his assured disapproval. But then there was the issue of Willow and Xander.

It angered Tara to think that Buffy was willing to throw away Spike’s love for fear of her friend’s rejection. It wasn’t as if Buffy was floating in options. Normal men would never understand her need to leave for a few hours each night and come home caked in mud and bruises. Even men who understood that were likely to be put off by a woman who was so much stronger than they were. Tara had a very clear memory of overhearing Willow and Buffy discussing ways to avoid Riley trying to spar with her. What in the name of the goddess was Willow thinking? Xander too, for that matter - but Willow had been the first of the original Scoobies to see Spike’s love. Tara remembered lying beside Willow discussing whether or not to bring Spike and Giles in on their plan to resurrect Buffy. There had been no issue with Dawn, it wouldn’t have been fair to bring her sister back only to kill her if she hadn’t come back right. Giles would not have approved, but they needed Buffy. That had left Spike. Willow thought it might be helpful to have their strongest ally on their side. She figured he could be look out while they preformed the spell, ensuring that nothing came and interrupted them. Tara disagreed. Spike loved Buffy too much to put him through that. After much debate Willow had come to the same conclusion that Tara had; Spike loved Buffy. Spike loved Buffy in the romantic follow her to hell and back kind of way, and they couldn’t afford to lose his help if they had to kill a resurrected Buffy creature. Willow knew that Spike loved Buffy, knew that he had the potential to make her happy. Still, Tara knew that Willow would never allow Spike to get close to Buffy, let alone encourage Buffy to be happy with him. And Xander was another whole issue. He had hated the vampire from the beginning, as near as Tara could tell. Something about blaming the bleached vampire for breaking up a former relationship. Tara knew Xander hadn’t been all that fond of the other vampire in Buffy’s life either, so it could just be prejudice. It struck Tara just how hypocritical is was of them to disapprove of Buffy’s association with Spike, given Xander’s engagement to a former vengeance demon and Willow’s experience with a werewolf. What was wrong with them? Why couldn’t they just allow their friend to try to find happiness?

~*~
‘Cuz you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl
So cradle your head in your hands
~*~

“What am I gonna do, Tara?” Buffy’s question cut through Tara’s thoughts.

“What do you want to do?” Buffy stared at Tara as though she couldn’t understand her question.

“I want to stop hurting him, but I can’t. I’m so addicted to him. I want to be able to move on and find love… and I want him to do the same,” Buffy answered deliberately after a long pause.

“He has found love, Buffy. Spike loves you. Everyone knows that, even Xander and Willow.” Buffy looked up at the blond witch with tears flooding her eyes.

“But I can’t love him. I want to; God knows it would make life simpler. But I can’t. I’m not allowed to love him. I can’t even be nice to him. I’m so afraid to see him loving me, I can’t stand to see that and not be able to love him.” Buffy let her head rest in her hands and started to cry softly. “I can’t stand to see his heart break every time I leave, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t afford to lose the friends I have, I really need them, but I can’t afford to lose him either. I couldn’t stand it if he stopped loving me, but he has to stop so I can stop hurting him. I’m such a self-centered bitch, but I can’t stop it!” With that Buffy began to sob in earnest.

~*~
And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
~*~

Tara pulled to sobbing slayer into her arms and held her as her body shook with sorrow. Whispering softly, Tara simply reminded Buffy to breath.

Thanks so much to Slaymesoftly!