Title: 2 AM
Author: Goddess Hecate
Song: 2 AM
Artist: Anna Nalick
Beta: Immortal Beloved

I don’t own anything, that shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone.


~*~

May, he turned 21 on the base of fort bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain’t been sober since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
But my god it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him, but maybe I’ll just sing about it.
‘Cuz you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button boy
So cradle your head in your hands

~*~

“I’m gonna go ahead and assume she told you about us, yeah, luv?” Tara had been shocked to see the bleached vampire knocking at the door to her dorm room.

“Was it the lack of shock at your compromising position or the comment about icing cramps that gave me away?” Tara responded, opening her door to allow the vampire to step into her room. Spike smiled softly at her, his blue eyes twinkling in the dim hall lights.

“Look, I’ll be straight. I need to ask a Scoobie’s help for something, and seein’ as you’re all in the know, I figured you were my best bet.” Tara nodded. Spike looked at her expectantly. “It’s kinda private, so if you could invite me in…”

“Oh! Of—of course. I’m sorry, Spike. I’m used to you coming and going as you please. Come in, please. Sit down.” Tara gestured to her bed. Spike sat, his bleached hair and black outfit contrasting awkwardly with the earth tones of the bedspread.

“Thanks, luv. I know it’s late, but my little sun allergy makes it harder to come in the day,” Spike stated by way of apology. Tara glanced at the clock on her nightstand. It read “2:00” in bold numbers. Tara couldn’t help but notice the irony. Spike took out a flask from a pocket in his duster and took a long swig. He held the flask out in offer, and Tara gently refused. “Find myself drinking a hell of a lot more since this little thing started with Buffy and me.” Tara nodded understandingly, watching the love swirl with terror in his aura. Spike stared off into space for a moment.

“What’s on your mind, Spike?”

“I just—I just need to know…” Spike looked at the ceiling. He closed his eyes and seemed to be collecting his thoughts. “You love Red. I can see it in every look you two share.” Tara waited, not sure where this was going. “You let her go. You thought that would be better for her. You knew it would make her cry, but you did it anyway, yeah?” Tara nodded sadly. “I just need to know. I’m used to following my blood, which with the Slayer around doesn’t tend to flow toward my brain. Not to the more selfless parts of my body, yeah?” Spike gave her a pointed look, and Tara nodded, blushing softly. “I need to know if… Should I let her go? I know she’ll cry, and I don’t want the Slayer crying, but I know I’m killing her now, too. I know she hates hurting me.” Spike paused and looked into the distance, his brow furrowed. “Actually, she really, really enjoys hurting me, but not emotionally. I want to make it all about bodies and hormones and blood flow, but I’ll be damned—again—if I don’t feel blood flowing to my heart when I see her smile. I just—I wanna make her happy. I know I can for now, but…” Spike looked up at the ceiling again, his ocean eyes sparkling with unshed tears. He swallowed hard. “I need to know that her life is better with me than it would be without me.” The room was silent for a moment as Tara considered his question.

“Why don’t you ask Buffy?” Tara asked softly. Spike smiled.

“Buffy doesn’t know what she wants. One moment I’m a monster, the next she wants me.” Spike snorted gently. “Needs a little monster in her man,” he laughed as though making a joke. Tara couldn’t help but to notice that he was a beautiful man. “The point is, Glinda, that she will tell me one thing and then do another. I tried listening to her words, but they change, too. She doesn’t want any of the Scoobies to know, but then she goes and tells you. Would have thought she’d tell Red if she was gonna tell anyone. No offence.” Tara smiled.

“I—I don’t think she meant to tell me; it just sort of spilled out. She was… embarrassed about the kinds of things that you were doing together.” Spike smiled devilishly. Tara glared at him, and he had the grace to look down, embarrassed. Tara sighed softly. “The question is, why are you doing this? I think I know, but you need to be sure that you do.” Spike looked serious.

“I do this because I love her, because I can make her feel good for a little while, and I think that doing that helps her to survive. Everyone else depends on her; she has no one else that she can depend on. I want to be the one that she can depend on, the one that she can count on. I know that she wants it to be just sex, that she doesn’t want to depend on anyone, but she needs to know that she can.” Spike looked down, truly embarrassed. Bloody William was rearing his poncy little head. “And because I’m taking advantage of a helpless girl,. ‘s what I do, being evil and all.” Tara nodded, smiling gently.

“You do help her. I won’t lie to you, Spike. It hurts her to hurt you the way she does, but you’re right. She needs to have someone she can depend on. She’s just afraid that, if she depends on you, she’ll lose her other friends.” Spike gave an incredulous snort.

“If they’re her friends, the witch, the whelp and the watcher will let her be happy.” Tara smiled in agreement.

“I think they will, but she is terrified that they won’t. They are her family. I think that they want her happy, but they want her happy in their way. If they ever found out, eventually they would come around, but, in the mean time, Buffy’s life would be hell. She can’t deal with more hell than she’s already going through.”

“So I’m guessing it’s not really fair for me to be pressuring her to tell you lot then, eh?” Spike said, a grim expression darkening his features.

“It’s completely fair to you, but it’s not fair to her. Your interests won’t always be aligned. It’s the fact that, for the most part, your interests revolve around making each other happy. That makes it love.” Tara grasped Spike’s hand gently.

“That’s how I can tell she really doesn’t love me, innit?” Spike asked with a wry smile. Tara sighed, leaning against the wall as she considered Spike’s question.

“She’s so … so broken, Spike. I really think she’s doing the best she can to keep it together and keep you around and keep everyone safe and keep herself safe. There’s something broken inside her. It didn’t break with her death, or her mother’s. She was broken long before Riley left. Whatever happened, it happened before I met her--“

“Bloody Poof.” Spike’s growl cut through the gentle witch’s words. “I saw him break her. With Dru, he was content to break her sanity, but the git knew Buffy was too strong for that. Instead, he broke her heart. Even when I came back that one time, I could see it. She acted like things were fine, like they were friends, but I could see it in the way they moved, the way they fought. She didn’t trust him. Bloody bint hasn’t trusted anyone since.”

By now Tara had figured out that Spike was referring to the infamous Angel. She had heard horror stories about Angelus’ reign of terror over the young Slayer. How he had humiliated her, rejected her love for him at every opportunity.


“Then you have to teach her how to trust.” Spike found the resolve in Tara’s voice striking.

“What if I can’t?”

“What if you can’t? Can you still stand to be around her even if she can never love you?”

Spike paused. “I have to be around her no matter what. Without her, I don’t exist. She is everything.”

“Then, with time, you can teach her.”

And just like that, for the first time ever, someone had told Spike that he had a chance. Emotion overwhelmed him, and before he knew what he was doing, Spike laid his head in Tara’s lap and tried desperately to choke back his sobs.

~*~

And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe

~*~

“It’s ok, Spike. Just let it all out, Sweetie. Just take deep breaths. Just breath.”