A/N: Thank you everyone for your reviews.  This is my first fic and I’m really nervous about it.

 

Joyce , you were confused about: ** Giles’ voice from long ago echoes in my head: I don't understand. Who did this?**  In Chosen Giles asks Buffy this when they all come out of the bus to look at the Sunnydale crater. Buffy just remembered it because that day too she had fought a losing battle and won (because of some timely help).

 

DoS , thank you especially for your contribution to this chapter. All the parts you changed/added made it a great deal better. You’re the best.

 

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 “Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt , it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?” – Meredith Grey

 

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I didn’t know the name of the restaurant I was sitting in, but I did know that I was eating soup, chicken soup – or maybe it was sweet corn.

 

Okay, so I didn’t know much at the moment.

 

I couldn’t even remember if it was Willow or me who had ordered it. Needless to say, my thoughts were elsewhere at the moment. We were about to have one of those bare all talks we used to have. We had had them all the time in high school, and had had a few in London – but we had never had one about Spike.

 

Where should I start? What was my first “Spike secret”?

 

“I kissed him.”

 

“Well, kissing does tend to be a major component of a secret illicit affair.”

 

“No, I mean when I went to his crypt after Glory tortured him.”

 

It was easier to go on after that.

 

I spoke about our last conversation before my second death, and the first one after my resurrection – getting drunk, kissing him, denying it, bringing down the house, the terrible morning after, naked pushups, the breakup, the hurt of seeing him with Anya…

 

I had finished my soup by the time I got to that horrible incident in my bathroom. Willow ’s reaction of no real surprise proved the theory I had held for quite some time already -- Xander had already told her. Angry flared up briefly, because Xander had no right to go around telling people a tale that was mine alone to share (or not share).

 

I was eating ice cream by the time I got to the part about my confusing, tentative relationship with souled-Spike. Hurt, confusion, need, compassion, fear – so many different emotions evoked by his return. During those months when he was gone, I’d wished that he would never come back – and prayed that he would.

 

I was supposed to be mad at him, to stake him upon sight – but instead I felt compassion for him. I wished he’d get over his insanity, partly because it’d be easier to be angry with him then – but mostly because seeing him like that was breaking me. He was supposed to be my shoulder to lean on; he wasn’t allowed to be fragile. He was supposed to say comforting, loving words – you know, and the occasional insult. Anyway, insane babble was not allowed.

 

That year he was my strongest warrior, my best friend, my most trusted ally, my champion. All that he was to me, nobody else had ever been, and none can ever be again. The role was tailor made for Spike, and Spike alone.

 

“When did you fall in love with him?” Willow interrupted, then added quickly before I could say anything to protest. “Don’t deny it. ‘Why does everyone think I’m *still*   in love with Spike?’ Ring a bell?”

 

“No clue,” I admitted with a sigh. “But I know when I figured it out. When Holden told me Spike was his sire, I knew. It was like my heart had stopped beating…just the thought of having to dust Spike…and when he took me to his cellar, the one where he had buried all those people – he was so devastated when he remembered what he’d done. I forgave him right then. As he sat there, so torn up, asking me to kill him – I forgave him.”

 

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She didn’t say it but I know she was thinking it.

 

How could you just say ‘I don’t want to to be the one,’ after a speech like that?

 

  I’ve asked myself the same question over and over again, almost every night – but I’ve never yet found the answer.

 

“You know what’s ironic? He used to keep saying that I loved him, and I used to keep denying it, but when I finally told him – he’s the one who denied it. And then he died, and came back, but conveniently forgot to tell me. It hurt to find out from one of Ti’s ho-bags, of all people. It made me so angry. Maybe if I hadn’t been so angry, I wouldn’t have done something so stupid. I was so close to him, Wills. I should have hugged him, kissed him, just stared at him for hours – but damn my ego! I ignored him, fawned over Angel and his new found humanity. I wanted to hurt him, and I succeeded – but I didn’t plan on his leaving. He never left, Willow , no matter what I did – but he left then.”

 

By this point I was in tears, though I was past the worst of it, so I pressed on with the story. Willow was being so quiet, and I just couldn’t seem to stop talking.

 

  “So then I got caught in the Angel/Cordelia/Buffy love triangle after that. I’ve always known Angel would pick Cordy – hell, I wanted him to. Maybe a part of me hoped that jealousy and hatred for Angel would bring Spike back. I had one of Holden’s superiority-cum-inferiority moments after Angel’s wedding. I sat there thinking how I’d hurt Spike. How all I ever do is hurt him. I mean, he’s no prince and he dishes out plenty of hurt himself, but when I became all non-dead he was so…so…I don’t even have a word for it… I’ll never forget the expression on his face when he realized I was really alive and back. He’d been counting the days while I was gone, taking care of Dawn, fulfilling his promise to a dead woman. I should’ve understood then. He was scared that I’d reject him, that’s why he didn’t call. Every minute of it must have killed him; he probably destroyed half the phones at Wolfram and Hart.

 

“So here I was thinking I didn’t deserve Spike, and that’s the moment he decided to come. He was so concerned, offering to kidnap Angel and beat some sense into him. It was still all about me for him, and it overwhelmed me. I wanted to do the right thing, so I let him go, told him to move on, to be happy. Well, that wasn’t the right thing, it was the stupid thing, and I knew it the moment I shut the door in his face. I looked for him that whole night, but couldn’t find him. It was like he’d disappeared into thin air. Angel didn’t know where he was, and Giles couldn’t find him either. I tried to move on, even almost got married. Didn’t work. Nothing worked.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve done a locator spell, or…”

 

“Rosa did one for me while you were in Mongolia on Council business.”

 

“Rosa ’s an amateur; she probably got it all wrong.”

 

“She’s better than you think, and it did work. It’s just that Spike didn’t want to be found. He’d used a cloaking spell or something. I wanted to respect his decision. Spike always hated magic, so if he was actually resorting to it to hide from me…well – all I can think is that he must – he must really be – through with me, Will. He must not want me anymore.”

 

That was when my tears finally reached the point where they outnumbered my words – and Willow came around the table to put her arms around me.

 

Have I mentioned yet how much I’d missed these best friend talks?

 

 

 

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We are going to find Spike. Willow promised me, and she has become really good at keeping promises these days. We are going to look in every crypt, every basement, every possible place that could serve as a vampire lair. We would’ve started last night but we talked late into the night, and had early shifts at the hospital this morning.

 

I can’t wait for this day to end!

 

I have a vampire to look for but instead, I’m sitting here listening to this crazy man who claims he has Bird Flu but so far has only talked about his muscles, his car, his money… This is a hospital people, not a dating service! I’m so going to prescribe this guy rat poison if he doesn’t shut up. Wait -- am I even allowed to prescribe medicines? I forget. How can I forget? I’m supposed to remember this -- I know I am.

 

  Being a doctor is no fun. I hate it, hate it, hate it!

 

“A word, Miss Summers.”

 

Now I hate it even more. What is Dr. Candish doing here? He should be in London .

 

“It’s Dr. Summers.”

 

“We will see about that.”

 

One eyebrow raises at that, as I follow him to Dr. Khan’s empty cabin. He motions for me to take a seat and I oblige – but when he speaks, a single, stunning word, I almost wish I hadn’t.

 

“Resign.”

 

tbc
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